To feel so jealous of SAHMs/part timers?

[resentfulandunreasonable]

I know I'm being totally and completely unreasonable here but I am just so low.

One of my friends has two children the same age as mine (3 and 1.) I earn a lot more than she does, and she works part time. Her parents look after her children when she is at work.

It's just such a nice life. Only in work for three days out of seven, no childcare bills to worry about, on Sunday night it's like having another weekend.

I know I'll get torn to shreds now.

If you’re on minimum wage with 3 children the vast majority of childcare costs covered under benefits system.

The problem with part time is that you earn fuck all, really. At least you're not highly taxed though. But a lot of people consider part time to be a waste of time.

I consider I have a good work/life balance but the flipside is that my meagre salary is eaten up by childcare costs. But that's my choice. I saw on another thread people saying that no way would they work if their salary was going towards childcare. Someone said "If all I have left is 50 quid no way am I working, for the sake of 50 quid I'll stay home and have this precious time with my children"

I have the opposite view. I consider it money well spent if I'm gonna have a pension and a career long after they've left this house. When you work part time you're never really gonna have some big important job but you are future proofing your own life at least.

So I may only have 50 quid left over but my job is my insurance against any shit that will inevitably happen in the years to come.

ClarabellaCTL

she said her wages are swallowed up by childcare fees so sounds like a choice to me. Although I appreciate there are other reasons to carry on working as mentioned by pp

Sometimes I fantasise about the blissful 2-3 hours some sahms have in the morning for getting themselves and the dc ready for the day and wandering in for the school run by 9am. I have no idea how some manage to be late with all that time!

Sorry? I'm a SAHM (well, I work part-time, but not a lot). I'm not sure why you assume we're all early risers. I get up at half seven, drag the children out of bed, throw some breakfast down them, dress them, brush their teeth, in the car by 8, at the big one's school for 8:15. We're never late though.

OP, YANBU. I used to work full time when DS1 was little and it's so difficult.

I understand OP. I’m mid 50s and sometimes I’d love to go part time. But I can’t risk it. Mortgage to pay, ds to keep.
I’d love to cut down on the stress and not be in a hurry all the time.

You can't help your feelings OP. I would probably feel jealous in your position too.

I am a single parent to two young children (3 and 4), technically working part-time but in reality 48+ hours a week. No family around or any help.
It is ok, I am really tired sometimes but manageable. If I had family nearby or another adult in the house to help things would be fantastic.
I envy SAHMs only in that it would be great if from time to time I could rely on someone else to pay the bills or step in when I am feeling under the weather.

OP take comfort from the fact you’re in a better position for career progression and pension.

I was fortunate to work just 3 days when my children were really tiny (though with 3 kids, everything I earned was swallowed in childcare costs for several years, so I feel your pain over that one.)

But the best thing I ever did was going back up to full time as soon as my youngest turned 4. My kids are now grown up and I’ve been able to advance my career and have a very good pension which gives me options. I know if I’d stayed part time and got too comfortable on it (which could have easily happened if I’d had days off once the kids were in primary school) i’d be regretting it now.

Also, although I would have loved to have free childcare from the financial point of view, it often comes with strings attached (just read the threads) and besides , I’d rather be paying for quality care in a nursery with lots of socialisation and good experiences rather than having a worn out granny caring for them just because it saves money.

The grass can always seem greener, but honestly, other people probably look at your opportunities with envy. When you’re working with young children it’s a case of playing the long game... you may feel knackered at times now, but before long you’ll be through the hardest most expensive part with your career intact

Before you had children, if that is the situation, you should have worked out the costs and whether you would have to continue to work full time / need paid childcare etc. Your choices. Other people's situations are nothing to do with you. Some people appear to have great lives, others not so but, other than unavoidable poor health, everything else is up to the individual to achieve what they want or compromise on perceived luxuries without being jealous of others' good fortune.

@speakout

I have been a SAHM for many years.

It has been utterly blissful.

My youngest is 18 and away at University and I work part time.
Gym 4 mornings a week, gardening, forest walks, photography.

I wouldn't want to work full time.

This time last year you were on lots of thread talking about how you are self employed and work from home

I work full time and I love my job. I'm lucky enough to have a lot of flexibility and a decent salary and I never wish I worked part time or stayed at home!

But I'm also a single parent, and I'm jealous of anyone who has a partner to share things with because outside of work I often feel alone. No one's life is perfect so we can all feel envious about things we want that others have. The trick is to remind yourself of all the things you have that others would think you lucky for

The trick is to remind yourself of all the things you have that others would think you lucky for

So true
On paper my life looks shit. Divorced. Single parent to two young children. No family support whatsoever. Both parents died in my twenties

BUT

I have a wonderful group of friends
I have a good well paid part time flexible job (the stuff of dreams)
I have a wealthy ex, which combined with my earning means I don’t have money worries
My children are healthy and happy

I have been where you are and understand how you are feeling. however, If you aren't happy with your life right now make changes where and when you can, don't let it get in the way of your friendships!

We all make choices based on our circumstances and it's highly unlikely you know all of your friends circumstances.

It sounds like your job is the problem, or more specifically your boss so is a new job not an option?

child care fees when you are full time are limiting but in the scheme of things they wont last forever.

@aeonium No, this person actually planned the wedding in the first place and then changed there mind.
I wish I could afford luxury’s, childcare costs are £45 a day, £1000 a month that’s not including breakfast club for the older kids and I earn £1600 a month. I just try and think of the future and in 2 years time I will be saving approx £400 a month and know I’ve done it all off my own back.

I would feel the same if I was you, I am lucky enough to be part time and I know I would hate working full time with young children. Is it not a possibility for you to reduce your hours? As you say most of your wage goes on childcare anyway, if you worked a day or 2 less you’d also save on childcare and commute etc so it might be workable?

I’ll not working atm and juggling a mum in hospital, a brother in a care home and a son with disabilities. Wanna swap?

And also renovating my mums house.

Also, although I would have loved to have free childcare from the financial point of view, it often comes with strings attached

Yeah. Prohibitive though our costs are, at least I don't have to parent by committee which seems to happen a lot when GPs do a lot of childcare. That would be more stressful than anything to me!

I agree with you and understand why you feel this way. A lack of support can feel like everything is on you, and the back to back days of full time work demanding in the early years. Not to mention time with dc. But there are upsides. You are independent, financially solvent and do not rely on others for childcare. There must be some satisfaction from knowing you are providing, you are keeping the plates spinning and eventually you will be glad of your career when the lo fly the nest.
Yes it is brutal now maybe, but it won’t be forever.

@Tomorrowillbeachicken

I feel for you
But now add “and I work full time” in to the equation. There are people balancing those balls, plus working.

"I get up at half seven, drag the children out of bed, throw some breakfast down them, dress them, brush their teeth, in the car by 8, at the big one's school for 8:15. We're never late though"

But that's the whole point, I work Ft and Have 2 dcs and I get to work at half 7!! So the idea of having the luxury of just getting up then is insane to me. I remember it was my newlywed bday a few weeks ago. My dses recorded a video of themselves singing happy birthday to their cousin and I sent it at about 7am and my sil replied half an hour later incredulous that they were up and dressed (she's a Sahm)

It's really stressful working full time with DC - I've not done it since I had only one, and it was hard enough then. It's also soul destroying watching a huge chunk of your take home pay being eaten up in childcare costs.

I work part time now (I have an amazing set up, frankly), but... I'm trapped by it. Whilst the hours work really well for my family, and I'm paid well for when I'm there, I don't have any career satisfaction and I'm bored while I'm there. I'm not given any of the juicy projects or prestige clients as they need someone to be available full time, and I'm not considered for the next stage of my career progression because it's taking on more management and they need a manager who is there more than 38 weeks a year. Because of my contract set up, I'm paid for my leave; so I don't have ANY annual leave I could take - so I am either working or looking after my DC, there's nothing available for me to take time out. I get approached for interesting, lucrative roles that I would absolutely be into if I were working full time or in a position to go back full time but it wouldn't work for us right now. I have very much put my own desires on the back foot because it works better for our family. So it's swings and roundabouts :)

I've had a horrible virus for weeks and wouldn't mind working if it meant no screeching, baying toddler for a bit!

I work 4 days per week and it quite literally saved my sanity. I couldn't have continued working 5 days a week. Ideally I would work 3 days but that would be a step too far financially for us. It gets on my nerves when I get comments from colleagues about my day off. I think they forget I don't actually get paid for that day and I miss out on pension etc but, for me, its worth it. I know pension is important but not at the expense of my mental health now.

OP- another thing to remember is that while it’s easy to go from full time to part time (if you’re in a situation to do so) it’s really hard to go the other way.

Like i said, I (very fortunately) worked only a minimal number of years p/t and stepped back to f/t when my youngest was 4. Quite frankly if I’d got used to continuing p/t while the kids were in school, I’d have got too comfy and probably never put my foot back on the pedal again career- wise. I’m mid 50s now and I see so many women my age around me who have been stuck in part time jobs for years, often underemployed and not getting to do the more interesting things. There’s also the very real problem of pensions .... part time hours impact massively on this. I totally get how you feel because it really is tough but please don’t think the grass is greener. I am so so glad that Ive worked f/t for most of my career.