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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

‘Disgusting’ for pumping in public.

219 replies

TopazPearl · 04/02/2019 06:12

I was recently out for my best friends hen for my first overnight stay without my babyDD.

I’m breast feeding my baby so took my breast pump out with me

OP posts:
Beerflavourednipples · 04/02/2019 07:32

How did the MIL know you were expressing?

My friend has this super duper breast pump which is so discreet and quiet that sometimes I havent even realised she is actually expressing at that time. Not all pumps involve you sat there looking and sounding like a cow being milked.

I can't see a problem with what you did, especially as your friend said it was fine. The MIL sounds awful and grabbing you by the wrist is totally unacceptable.

Notmorewashing · 04/02/2019 07:36

I BF mine and it’s attitudes like this why I had to sit in a dirty train toilet to pump rather than sit in my seat on the train with a scarf over.

Some people can’t just “do it before you leave or get home” I was at work including commute for 10 hours and had to pump
Twice. If I left it it was extremely painful I also could not just get rid of a “small bit” that didn’t relieve myself. I wanted to keep the second bottle to use and put it in a cool bag as I was only an hour from home.

Such a shame women feel that it’s not acceptable what hope is there for society.

CountessVonBoobs · 04/02/2019 07:38

I've never done it sat in a bar, although sometimes I've been quite desperate (my pump is electric, so pumping in the toilets is tricky). But I don't really see that there's any logical reason why pumping in public should be any different to feeding in public.

I've had good luck asking bar and hotel staff for help - they can often find me a small room with a plug socket. Once the bar owner ran a cable for me from behind the bar and guarded the door to the disabled toilets while I pumped in there.

Anyway I think YANBU especially if you were surrounded by friends and no one could see anything anyway. I think it's unfamiliarity that weirds people out. I'd love one of those Elvie pumps you can just literally stick in your bra though.

AnotherPidgey · 04/02/2019 07:48

I had to pump in public. The brownies had a rare chance for an overseas residential trip for several days. DS2 was 1. The other leader a few months postnatal. So I went. I thought when signing up many months in advance, that DS would be most likely to be feeding morning and bedtime like his sibling. He was a total milk monster on my non-working days and still fed frequently in the day. I could last a working day, but on day 2-3 of the trip, the engorgement peaked. So in order to prevent yet another bout of mastitis (the previous one causing painful circulation problems), pumping regularly to relieve the engorgment was essential. That meant my pump was up my Guiding uniform on buses, on trams, around museums, walking around the streets. The children were vaguely curious at first, and I told them that I had to take away the spare milk that my baby would normally drink and they completely accepted it and moved on.

Disgust for something like BFing/ pumping is learned behaviour.

The problem is we don't see it to normalise it. We notice few BFers because it is more subtle than people expect so many people continue to be "digusted" that a mother makes her milk to feed her baby. Being in a position to need to pump in public is fairly unusual so isn't normalised. Then people who are critical about BFing often create fantasies about women getting some kind of pleasure for themselves about BFing (and they don't mean the sheer relief of not feeling like an iron like breast is about to explode) which adds to their "disgust" and moral outrage.

Pumping is very important as a source of breast milk to some babies, and at giving independence to mums. It's not dirty so shouldn't be hidden away in toilets. From OP's description, she's trying to be subtle anyway, and has been invited to stay where she was by her friends so was completely unreasonable.

I hope OP's friend doesn't enounter obsticles from the MiL when it's her turn to have and feed babies.

anniehm · 04/02/2019 07:51

Seems fine to me - a scarf as always is your friend in being discreet, I fed my daughter in all kinds of places and never went to toilets once, pumping should be no different

Cookit · 04/02/2019 07:52

To me it sounds like maybe the MIL was an angry drunk.

I’ve never seen anyone pump in public to my knowledge (maybe they are ultra discreet) but I can’t imagine it would bother me in the slightest.

LEMtheoriginal · 04/02/2019 07:54

Toilets in a naice resturant id pump in there. Toilets in a weatherspoons type place?? No thankyou.

I was quite an in your face breast feeder but never had the occasion to pump in public had no social life

StoppinBy · 04/02/2019 07:57

I would think it was a tad odd if I saw someone do it BUT if the only other option was the bathroom and your breasts were uncomfortable and it's done discretely then go for it.

I had such a hard time expressing, if I got a bottle it would have gone on ice, I think I would have cried if it had been tipped down the sink lol.

Toilets are for waste elimination and drunken proclamations of love to strangers (which I guess is almost the same as waste elimination haha), not collecting babies food and having worked in hospitality not all places have somewhere they would be happy for you to sit in private and express unless they do private functions and the room is free.

vroc81 · 04/02/2019 08:03

I haven’t read all replies but I beg to differ on this sort of answer ..

“Expressing in public is a bit 🙄 there's no need really is there, express before you go out. It's not like you're feeding your baby, you're just removing excess milk to dump it, so you'd need to go to the bathroom and bin it anyway why not just do the whole lot in the bathroom if you insist on expressing whilst out”

It’s exactly like I’m feeding my baby.. she couldn’t latch so I pumped for 18 months - was I supposed to only leave my house for three hour intervals or use a pump in the toilets which with all its parts is probably worse than feeding a baby in the loo...

I’ve done it in airports, on a flight when we got diverted (one I felt most awkward about) m and s cafe, Starbucks, the car a lot to name a few.. my pump ran off a charged battery and was much quieter than the noise in cafes so I don’t think there was anything wrong at all.. I had a cover I slipped over and got on with it in a corner if I was in a cafe... I think it’s sad the people on the table had to draw attention to it rather than just letting you get it done..

JinglingHellsBells · 04/02/2019 08:12

I thought you were talking about farting when I read your subject line.

Where I come from, my mum's generation call farting 'pumping'.

QueenieInFrance · 04/02/2019 08:17

in which the mother in law stormed into our bedroom at 11pm and grabbed me by the wrist

That was an ASSAULT. It doesn’t matter if the OP did something unacceptable/acceptable/unusual. The MIL shouod never have behave that way.
I’m ready for the ‘well she was drunk too’. Still not acceptable to assault someone when you are drunk.

FWIW the OP didnt do anything wrong. Even if you consider that pumping was an ill judged decision, she went away to the toilet to finish. She didn’t start the argument with the MIL. She didn’t engage with her. It’s the group of friends who then had a row with the MIL.

So I’m really struggling to see how its all her fault. All the other members of the party could have decided to react in a different way.

LaurieMarlow · 04/02/2019 08:20

This kind of language is especially depressing.

there's no need really is there, express before you go out.

if you insist on expressing whilst out

Like engorgement and mastisis aren't a thing. Women's health what now? Hmm

SurvivingCBeebies · 04/02/2019 08:25

So I express exclusively... and I've pumped in some strange places... although a bar isn't on my list... but I have been in public... and the expressed milk went directly to my baby...

Would any of you want your food prepared in a toilet?? I'm guessing not...

Does having a baby in tow make that much of a difference to those 'disgusted' people?

Judgemental assholes are one of the reasons that UK breastfeeding figures are so low...

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/02/2019 08:26

People's reaction to this is depressing.

How are you supposed to express before you go out if you're out all day on a hen? Why does it bother people so much? If as you say it was under your coat and you were discreet then what actually are people offended by? The noise? In a loud bar? The shape of your body under your coat? Even if I'd thought it a bit odd (say you had the opportunity to be in your hotel but decided to do it in the bar instead) I would never ever say anything

Mil has made herself look a complete dick
She sounds crazy. I think the one I feel most sorry for is your friend, you can at least avoid the Mil forever!

thegreatbeyond · 04/02/2019 08:31

The MIL is an utter weirdo and behaved completely unacceptably.

What is the problem with pumping milk? It's not dirty or unhygienic like nappy changing for example. Those of you who have a problem, why not simply avert your eyes? It's none of your business.

TopazPearl · 04/02/2019 08:33

@queenieinfrance completely, and this is what really shocked me as I did not engage with her at all.

Her mother also decided to pop her head into the room and say she wishes her daughter ‘grabbed me by the throat, not the wrist’ which was just mind boggling.

I’ve laughed since as just completely unreal! Although I mildly offended them I didn’t think they’d find a stranger so abhorrent they felt it necessary to take this kind of action.

Thank you for all the completely lovely comments on here too, can definitely take the criticism on board too (bit of a learning curve!) but some really warming things have been said which is a massive ‘pick me up’.

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 04/02/2019 08:33

I would have seen your behaviour as over the top and attention seeking, to no honest.

But the MIL sounds ridiculous. She went way too far. I feel sorry for the bride to be! She's marrying into that...

blueshoes · 04/02/2019 08:34

You asked whether pumping in public is as socially acceptable as breast feeding. I'd say no.

But in the circumstances you describe, I'd say it is fine and discreet and understand why you did it. Your MIL is a nut.

A baby is natural and fairly silent when feeding. But a pump is a mechanical thing and makes noise and calls attention to itself and very unnatural if someone has not encountered it. Presumably there is a also a lot more faffing around, unlike a baby who just pops on and off.

Unlike in the US, relatively few women pump in the UK. I would avoid having to pump in public like the plague because it is not likely to go down well with a large cross section of the public.

MarthasGinYard · 04/02/2019 08:34

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Hospitaldramafamily · 04/02/2019 08:35

I don't see anything wrong with what you did, OP, and I'm disappointed at the dismissive attitude of and people saying there's no need really and express before you go out Hmm It's not like a tap - you can't just skip one or two feedings or pumpings because your body continues to produce the same amount of milk as normal.

Your friend's MIL sounds bonkers and she was the one who disturbed the hen night, not you. It wouldn't bother me to see friends or strangers expressing in public.

DeaflySilence · 04/02/2019 08:39

Sounds like the MiL reacted rather badly, but I do think you were the one that was being unreasonable (and really rather entitled).

Don't think you are going to see that though.

Enjoy your new baby.

SinkGirl · 04/02/2019 08:40

People are so funny about pumping.

My twins were in nicu for ages being tube fed and they were never able to latch properly - I pumped every two hours for seven months, even with this my supply was dire.

At 8 weeks old one of my twins contracted whooping cough in nicu - he came home for a few days and then was admitted to the HDU for nearly two weeks. I had to stay with him the whole time and slept in a chair by his bed. My supply was really suffering. In the middle of the night, I had to pump - there were three bays in the room, both had the curtains drawn and had a parent asleep in each one. I was shattered and couldn’t be bothered to stand up and struggle with the curtains so I just pumped and covered up. A nurse stormed in and said “this is inappropriate - there’s a man in here!” (fast asleep with the curtains drawn) and angrily pulled the curtains shut. I was livid.

You were covered up, there’s no problem. Pumping is absolute hell, I hated every second of it - going and sitting in the toilet isn’t necessary if you’re wearing clothes that cover you up.

PentreBachCymraeg · 04/02/2019 08:41

I thought this would be a post about farting 🤦‍♀️

SinkGirl · 04/02/2019 08:41

Pumps are not that loud and you certainly wouldn’t hear it in a bar!

Menstruatrawr · 04/02/2019 08:41

Well, I can say if you pumped in a restaurant I was in I wouldn’t give a shit. Why on earth it’s icky I don’t know, it’s milk. I bet people were consuming dairy in the vicinity but wouldn’t drink cow wee. The ‘bodily fluids’ argument is ridiculous. Clearly fluids are different, some are waste and other nourish. We can tell the difference

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