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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being unreasonable financially?

223 replies

Sadie74 · 03/02/2019 09:02

My OH moved in with me 11 years ago, into a house that I owned outright. We each pay half of all the bills and have separate accounts (both of us have had problems with previous partners abusing joint accounts). We had some building work done a few years ago which he contributed to. We worked out his contribution to the whole cost of the house is 10% of the value, so if we ever split up i would pay him 10% of the value of the house. I am happy with this, as is he. We have a child now as well. My family have offered us a big detached house to live in, while i will not technically own it, it is being left to me by my dad in his Will. I had a Will drawn up myself which was fully discussed with my OH, in which my current house will be left to my OH but the house from my dad will be left to my child, so that it is kept in the family. OH was happy with this as his main concern was he would be left without a home if i died. My intention is to rent out our current house when we move into the new house. The new house has been redecorated throughout, new kitchen etc. by my family however, there are a couple of things which we would like to change and a small bit of work to do still. These are put in gas central heating, a small bit of wood work and a different hob, oven in the kitchen, eventually we would like to redo the downstairs bathroom. My OH has said he doesn’t see why he should pay for half of any work, which he agrees needs done because the house will never be his. He has said if he does pay for anything he wants an increased percentage in the original house, which I’m not too happy about. It is written into my Will if i die before him although the house would go to our child, he can live in the house until he no longer wants to. He earns more money than i do and my family have helped us loads so I’m quite taken back by his attitude. He is more than happy to say what needs to be done etc but won’t help financially even though he is going to get to live in the house he has always wanted to live in. Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 03/02/2019 09:04

The house will go to his child not him, is that right?

MyHomeworkAteMyDog · 03/02/2019 09:08

I can understand his view point, should you ever split up he will have invested money in a home you will continue to live in.

Coldilox · 03/02/2019 09:08

In that case charge hi rent

Coldilox · 03/02/2019 09:08

*him

Original poster
Sadie74 · 03/02/2019 09:08

The first house will go to him, the second house will go to our child but he will have a lifetime interest in it

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 03/02/2019 09:09

Nope you yanbu, I always understand people not wanting to put money into a house that's not theirs, which is totally fine when they are paying rent, but he's not even paying rent, he's just sharing bills, if you die he gets a free house too, talk about having your cake and eating it.

Start charging a fee like you would a lodger, change your will so your child gets both houses and he gets his 10% and pay for everything that needs doing out of your rent

WinkysTeatowel · 03/02/2019 09:10

But if you split up he will only get 10% of the original house and nothing to represent his financial input into the renovations to the new house.

IceRebel · 03/02/2019 09:10

so if we ever split up i would pay him 10% of the value of the house. I am happy with this, as is he

Was the the previous arrangement and now the new will says he will get all of the 1st house? Or do you still only intend to give him 10% of the first house?

Fairylea · 03/02/2019 09:11

You’ll get a lot of replies saying you’re right, I’m sure. Mumsnet seems to love a woman keeping everything separate on here. And fair enough, but I couldn’t live like that. I am in a very similar situation to you - lots of inheritance/ money in property and when dh and I got married we just went all in together, half of everything. Joint accounts etc. The works. Maybe out situation is a little different in that dh works and I don’t, so in effect he is pouring money into the properties now, in effect paying for his share. We’ve been together a long time now and have two dc, and we both give ourselves equal spending money from the family pot. We are very much 50 / 50 in everything. I couldn’t imagine doing everything the way you have.

Before anyone leaps on me, I have already been through a difficult divorce where my now ex dh left me high and dry financially (lots of debt, had to downsize etc) but that’s not put me off doing things like this. For me personally marriage is very much what’s mine is yours and yours is mine and I wouldn’t be happy doing it any other way, especially where children are involved.

Original poster
Sadie74 · 03/02/2019 09:11

If we ever split up he would get 10% of the first house. I by the way don’t own the second house and won’t until the desth of my dad which hopefully won’t be for a long time.

OP posts:
Dalia1989 · 03/02/2019 09:12

The normal MN rule for when women are in your OH's situation is that you don't spend money on increasingly the value of a property you have no rights in. I'm not sure if should be different for a man.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 03/02/2019 09:12

YABU. You are asking him to contribute to something he will never own part of. When it's the reverse on MN everyone rushes in to say to the woman get your name on the deeds etc.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2019 09:15

Any I vestments he has will be in your original house as he will benefit. However if you'd stayed there, would he have paid towards the mortgage? Are you still paying one?

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2019 09:15

Ah. Just reread the OP. Ignore last post!

IceRebel · 03/02/2019 09:16

If we ever split up he would get 10% of the first house.

That doesn't seem very fair. If you split you get 90% of house one, and all of house 2. He gets 10%, even if he pays for renovations for the new house.

I by the way don’t own the second house and won’t until the desth of my dad which hopefully won’t be for a long time.

But you know eventually you will own it, outright and will benefit from it, where as he will get nothing. I can see why he doesn't want to pay for renovations.

Are you married? As he could be entitled to a lot more if you are.

waitingfortherighttime · 03/02/2019 09:16

Why would he get the value of what he puts into the previous house, but not this one?

palmfrondisland · 03/02/2019 09:16

Is he feeling financially vulnerable? Is he able to buy a property of his own to rent out?
What does he do with his money if he doesn't pay any rent? Does he have savings?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/02/2019 09:18

He shouldn’t pay for renovations but he should be paying something by way of rent. I don’t think I’d be leaving him any houses. It would all be to the children with him having a life interest in one of them.

Why aren’t you married?

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 09:20

Is he offering to pay rent to live with you? He can't have it both ways, living rent free and not contributing to thr maintenance.

So for me, it is one or the other.

Justletmego · 03/02/2019 09:21

The whole situation just says “I don’t trust you” to me. You don’t own the second house yet, but you will eventually so improving it works to benefit you and your children.

If you leave him he gets 10% that worked okay when it was simple but now the balance is changing and so if you want such an adhoc arrangement must the arrangement as things change.

Holidayshopping · 03/02/2019 09:21

Yes, I think you probably are being unreasonable.

Original poster
Sadie74 · 03/02/2019 09:21

WinkysTeatowel
If we split up he would get 10% of the original house only. All of the work is done on the new house apart from a small bit of wood work costing about £500, we don’t have to do anything else to it but we have both said we would prefer gas heating and a different hob/oven and the bathroom sorted.

OP posts:
HollyGoLoudly1 · 03/02/2019 09:25

I agree with some of the PPs - if this situation were reversed, everyone would tell the woman not to contribute to the house if they are never going to own it.

I think more info is needed. He's contributed half of the bills for 11 years, plus half the building work but he only gets 10%? Assuming he'll be contributing half the bills for the new house too? If you rent out the old house, who gets that income? Is the rental income split 50:50 or will that be 90:10 too? If he earns more money, he presumably could have afforded his own property were he not contributing to your house(s)?

To be honest, if I was your DP, I would be wary too. If anything happens, all I end up with after 11 years of bills, maintenance + improvements is 10% of the smaller house? Financially, that's a big risk for him.

TokenGinger · 03/02/2019 09:26

If he isn't prepared to contribute to maintenance of a property he is living in, explain you'll charge him rent, which he'd have to do if he wasn't with you.

The CF has been living rent free, and expects that any contribution he gets is paid back in the event of a break up?!

YANBU. He is.

Valkarie · 03/02/2019 09:27

You are being unreasonable expecting him to contribute to works on a house that he doesn't and will never own. I would be annoyed if someone asked me to do that. However, you are also assuming that you will definitely inherit the house. If your father ends up needing long term or specialist care in old age it is his asset, so the council will use that to pay for his care. You could end up paying for works on a house you never receive either.