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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being unreasonable financially?

223 replies

Sadie74 · 03/02/2019 09:02

My OH moved in with me 11 years ago, into a house that I owned outright. We each pay half of all the bills and have separate accounts (both of us have had problems with previous partners abusing joint accounts). We had some building work done a few years ago which he contributed to. We worked out his contribution to the whole cost of the house is 10% of the value, so if we ever split up i would pay him 10% of the value of the house. I am happy with this, as is he. We have a child now as well. My family have offered us a big detached house to live in, while i will not technically own it, it is being left to me by my dad in his Will. I had a Will drawn up myself which was fully discussed with my OH, in which my current house will be left to my OH but the house from my dad will be left to my child, so that it is kept in the family. OH was happy with this as his main concern was he would be left without a home if i died. My intention is to rent out our current house when we move into the new house. The new house has been redecorated throughout, new kitchen etc. by my family however, there are a couple of things which we would like to change and a small bit of work to do still. These are put in gas central heating, a small bit of wood work and a different hob, oven in the kitchen, eventually we would like to redo the downstairs bathroom. My OH has said he doesn’t see why he should pay for half of any work, which he agrees needs done because the house will never be his. He has said if he does pay for anything he wants an increased percentage in the original house, which I’m not too happy about. It is written into my Will if i die before him although the house would go to our child, he can live in the house until he no longer wants to. He earns more money than i do and my family have helped us loads so I’m quite taken back by his attitude. He is more than happy to say what needs to be done etc but won’t help financially even though he is going to get to live in the house he has always wanted to live in. Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 03/02/2019 11:30

My advice would be stay where you are and commit to marriage with your partner of 11 years and father of your child.

They are married.

hatethinkingofusernames · 03/02/2019 11:32

I wouldn't pay for a house to have work done when there's no intention of it ever being mine, he should pay rent and bills if living there but deff not renovations!

Original poster
Sadie74 · 03/02/2019 11:32

Actually he did said he would marry again if I died and he would make a Will leaving half of house to our child and half to his new spouse.

I understand from my OP he doesn’t come across well, I probably don’t either to some people. We’ll no doubt work it out eventually.

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
mummyhaschangedhername · 03/02/2019 11:37

I think your will is fair. But I do think if you were to break up more of his capital needs protected.

So can you not say he gets a 20% - 25% share in the original house for work Carried out on this house. He would then have a sizeable deposit to purchase something else.

Merrydoula · 03/02/2019 11:37

Personally I think he's got it quite easy, he's not having to pay any rent where he normally would have to pay for that too! His whole housing situation is via YOU. He should be happy to pay half for the work that needs to be done as not only is he living rent free off of your back, that an investment into a house hats going to left to his child!!

CanILeavenowplease · 03/02/2019 11:42

Did you contribute to the mortgage and upkeep/maintenance of the property whilst married?

Directly, no. Indirectly - by contributing to our family pot - yes.

Juells · 03/02/2019 11:44

he says he doesn’t need a Will as he is happy to get the first house and a lifetime interest in the second and if he marries again at that point he might make Will and leave thr first house 50/50 between our child and his new spouse.

So he gets everything if anything happens to you, and your child gets nothing until your DH dies at some distant date. If you die he'd have the first house to rent out, be a squatter for life in the second house, and your child gets sweet FA. All on the back of your saving, and your family gifts. No wonder he doesn't care about making a will. I wouldn't be happy with that situation at all.

Juells · 03/02/2019 11:45

I think you're quite lucky that this situation has blown up over the renovations to the second house, you're being allowed a glimpse into the future.

OhTheRoses · 03/02/2019 11:46

So instead of paying rent what has he been doing with his money then. I had a lot more than dh when we married which is why I had a prenup (28 years ago nearly). But whilst DH paid half the bills (at his insistence when he earnt a third of my salary), he also stashed every penny he could into savings/investments. When we sold my house and bought our house he had £40k towards the deposit (I had £150,000 but that's not the point) within a year of buying it his earning nearly caught up. We had a baby, I had 8 years off. He paid everyrhing, I supported his career. We became a partnership - everything shared. He has made millions. I was never greedy / nor was he. Bit tight perhaps but never independently greedy.

It sounds very unbalanced op and I started where you started.

CalmdownJanet · 03/02/2019 11:51

I think you come off just fine op, I don't think your marriage does though.

I think there's a few things here worth noting:

  1. The oh earns more than op and still splits all bills equally
  2. People are saying he could walk away with nothing, but he has been living rent/mortgage free for years, at this stage he should either have huge savings or could have bought himself and rented out another property but he likes shiny things and is a spender not a saver.
  3. Not charging your spouse rent is one thing but at the moment he earns more but pays less (his advantage, Op's disadvantage ), lives rent free (his advantage, Op's disadvantage), stands to inherit a house (his advantage, Op's child's disadvantage), doesn't pay towards bettering the house he will live rent free in (his advantage, Op's disadvantage) and has said if she dies he will marry again and give away 50% of the house he inherited to his new wife (Op's child's disadvantage)

Now tell me why any of that is fair?

It would be different if they were living together, he paid more bills as he earned more, appreciated how fortune he was and didn't plan on screwing over his own child on Op's death, and saved his own money rather than buying shiny things but that doesn't seem to be the case

BitOutOfPractice · 03/02/2019 11:52

It seems to me he's just renting while you get all the advantages of ownership

BitOutOfPractice · 03/02/2019 11:53

And if I were him I'd be looking to get in the property ladder myself.

Yabbers · 03/02/2019 11:54

He doesn’t pay rent and says if i ask him for any he would move out!
Really? And you agreed to that?

Juells · 03/02/2019 11:55

It seems to me he's just renting while you get all the advantages of ownership

But he's not renting. He's living rent free.

be47 · 03/02/2019 11:56

Yabbers
I'd leave too if my partner who lived in a house with no rent/mortgage to pay tried to charge me to live there when I was already paying my share of expenses. I'm not a way for them to make extra money!

Igotthemheavyboobs · 03/02/2019 12:00

So he gets everything if anything happens to you, and your child gets nothing until your DH dies at some distant date

Isn't this quite standard? If either of my parents died, I would expect the other to keep everything until their death.

ilovekale · 03/02/2019 12:05

If he is living in the property he should contribute to its maintenance. Especially given he isn't paying rent. My DH pays no rent to me but manages all the bills and food. All other properties I have and may have in the future are already in / going into a trust going straight to our DS and any future kids, and DH has no problem with this at all. it is his kid after all.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 03/02/2019 12:13

I'm not being goady, genuine questions:

  1. Married people paying each other rent - is this really a thing?
2 Is the marital home not joint regardless of who initially bought it/inherited it?
  1. If you die, does your estate not usually go to the spouse? Is this not quite normal?
marvellousnightforamooncup · 03/02/2019 12:15

I think your plan is perfectly reasonable. If you gave him everything in your will and remarried if you died your children might get nothing. Best option is to provide for your kids in your will if you can.

OnTheHop · 03/02/2019 12:19

“I'd leave too if my partner who lived in a house with no rent/mortgage to pay tried to charge me to live there when I was already paying my share of expenses. I'm not a way for them to make extra money!”

People in rented properties pay a proportion towards the maintenance and upkeep. The cost of boiler (new and repairs) , decoration, wear and tear, is built in.

He doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t pay towards the mortgage and doesn’t want to contribute to maintaining the fabric of the house that he and his child live in.

He wouldn’t ‘walk away with nothing’ he has the luxury of being married to a woman who earns more and had put her former money into equity in a house. He would walk away from a divorce with considerably more than he put in.

It is true the advice to a woman in his situation is do not put money into a property you don’t own, but the advice that goes with it is ‘make savings towards your own property’.

caroleB1 · 03/02/2019 12:20

No, you are not being unreasonable. Relationships can change drastically, so I would not give in to this demand. Stick with your guns, it is only right that the house be left to your child in the event anything should happen. I would get some sound advice from a solicitor and get anything you decide on put in writing and make it a legal contract.

OnTheHop · 03/02/2019 12:22

“3. If you die, does your estate not usually go to the spouse? Is this not quite normal?”

Maybe, but it has led to a lot of children seeing their mother’s property go to a younger second wife who lives longer than their Dad and spends it and leaves it to her own bio kids.

I have seen this happen to two friends of mine.

trulybadlydeeply · 03/02/2019 12:29

Be very, very careful OP. The fact that you are keeping finances separate is irrelevant if you divorce. The starting point will be 50-50. I know you have come on asking about wills etc, but you really, really need to think more widely about the financial issue. If you Dad died suddenly tomorrow (worst case senario), you inherit the house, you and DH live in for a time then separate, he will be in a position to try and go for 50% of that too. The fact that you agreed that if you spilt he will get 10% of the first house is absolutely irrelevant from a legal perspective.

Could you Dad not leave the second house to your DC instead? Perhaps allowing you all to live there as a family whilst your DC is young?

I think you all need some decent legal advice. In any case, I would strongly suggest getting advice about your position should you split. i know it's a horrible thing to think about, but currently you would stand to lose a lot of money, IMO & IME.

Butchyrestingface · 03/02/2019 12:34

Directly, no. Indirectly - by contributing to our family pot - yes.

Interesting, because as I say, I had been given to believe that the property would not count as a marital asset if the other party did not contribute to the mortgage/upkeep/maintenance.

Obviously I will be seeking cast iron legal advice on the matter before ever entering into unholy padlock!

kindlyplay · 03/02/2019 12:35

if you gave him everything in your will and remarried if you died your children might get nothing.

This is totally normal though. Most people's estate passes to the spouse not the children.

Best option is to provide for your kids in your will if you can.

Surely the best option is to marry someone who puts their own child first?

I find it so strange OP that you don't trust your husband to do right by his son.