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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being unreasonable financially?

223 replies

Sadie74 · 03/02/2019 09:02

My OH moved in with me 11 years ago, into a house that I owned outright. We each pay half of all the bills and have separate accounts (both of us have had problems with previous partners abusing joint accounts). We had some building work done a few years ago which he contributed to. We worked out his contribution to the whole cost of the house is 10% of the value, so if we ever split up i would pay him 10% of the value of the house. I am happy with this, as is he. We have a child now as well. My family have offered us a big detached house to live in, while i will not technically own it, it is being left to me by my dad in his Will. I had a Will drawn up myself which was fully discussed with my OH, in which my current house will be left to my OH but the house from my dad will be left to my child, so that it is kept in the family. OH was happy with this as his main concern was he would be left without a home if i died. My intention is to rent out our current house when we move into the new house. The new house has been redecorated throughout, new kitchen etc. by my family however, there are a couple of things which we would like to change and a small bit of work to do still. These are put in gas central heating, a small bit of wood work and a different hob, oven in the kitchen, eventually we would like to redo the downstairs bathroom. My OH has said he doesn’t see why he should pay for half of any work, which he agrees needs done because the house will never be his. He has said if he does pay for anything he wants an increased percentage in the original house, which I’m not too happy about. It is written into my Will if i die before him although the house would go to our child, he can live in the house until he no longer wants to. He earns more money than i do and my family have helped us loads so I’m quite taken back by his attitude. He is more than happy to say what needs to be done etc but won’t help financially even though he is going to get to live in the house he has always wanted to live in. Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sophiesdog11 · 03/02/2019 09:42

Op, what if the second house never becomes yours? Does your father have sufficient funds to pay for care fees without it being sold - has that been thought about as a scenario? Are there any siblings that could lay claim to it? Is there a reason why your father doesn’t just transfer the house to you now? I know there could be tax and other implications, but you imply he is still relatively young.

In terms of you dying tomorrow, your father could then change his will to leave the second house to your child (a good will would already been written that way anyway - ours are - even though we are a long way from GC coming along) so probably not too much of a problem.

However, if your child could end up with nothing (can you be sure your DH would leave anything to your child on re marriage) then I would be looking to include your child in the will wrt the first house too.

SparklyLeprechaun · 03/02/2019 09:43

I can see his point. The will is a red herring.

If you split up next year he would have invested a substantial amount of money for no return.

Also, the life interest in the second house is worth nothing. The house does not even belong to you, you are investing in a property that may well have to be sold for care fees or whatever.

greendale17 · 03/02/2019 09:45

YABU. You are asking him to contribute to something he will never own part of.

^This. YABVU and you know it.

BIgBagofJelly · 03/02/2019 09:45

He's getting to live in the house for free so I don't see why he shouldn't contribute to doing work in it! He's getting a very good deal if you ask me.

CalmdownJanet · 03/02/2019 09:46

Also I hope your will is covered to protect your dc in the event you die before your dad, your oh has inherited house 1, house 2 needs to be sold for care fees and when your dad dies your DC is left with nothing

CoastalLife · 03/02/2019 09:46

Has he contributed to the mortgage for house 1?

grenadezombie · 03/02/2019 09:47

Has he contributed to the mortgage for house 1?

Line 2 of the first post states the OP had no mortgage.

CandleWithHair · 03/02/2019 09:48

Just read your update. This whole situation is ringing all sorts of alarm bells for me, in terms of the health of your relationship. I’d actually now recommend that you both meet with a solicitor to get some professional advice on how to deal with this. Firstly, it will make the situation a bit more black and white and less easy to disagree with, secondly it will ensure you are properly set up in the eyes of the law if when things go south...

Juells · 03/02/2019 09:48

He's been living rent free, and will be living in the new bigger house rent free.

but he will have a lifetime interest in it

I wouldn't do that under any circumstances, having seen the problems it can cause. Here follows a tale... A friend was one of two sisters. When their father died, he had various properties and money that he left as fairly as he could, having agreed it all with his wife beforehand. So one daughter was left money, my friend was left a house that the mother had a lifetime interest in, and the mother was left another larger property which was rented out. Once the father died and everything was sorted out, the golden daughter ran through the money she'd been left, and persuaded the mother to sell the rented property. Golden daughter then spent that money as well. Next thing, my friend was informed that the mother didn't want to live in the home she'd been in all her married life, and it was unfair that she was tied to it by the terms of the will. So friend and her husband had to borrow quite a lot of money to buy the mother out of her lifetime interest. Golden daughter then spent that money, and the mother ended up living in a local authority flat, the relationship with her other daughter (my friend) permanently poisoned. They never spoke again from then until the mother's death.

The moral of the story is that a lifetime interest in a property isn't necessarily the good idea it seems.

You're the one who is providing a roof, all the time. Your DH needs to contribute to the comfort of your living quarters.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 03/02/2019 09:49

You're married - so if you split he'll get 50% of everything as a starting position anyway.

Who owns the second house now? If your dad does, there will be no guarantee he will be anle to leave it to you - it might need to be sold to cover care fees, he might change his mind - either way doing work on a house that isn't yours is not a good idea.

Notmyusual80 · 03/02/2019 09:50

Sorry, OP but I’m with Fairylea. I just cannot understand this mentality of separating finances to the nth percentage with the person you share your life and children with. Constantly having to arrange money/investments etc to prepare for the possibility of splitting up just sounds exhausting and depressing.

swingofthings · 03/02/2019 09:51

You're married? So assuming 5 years, if you separate, he'd get 50% of the house you currently own, to then be fought over if not agreeing.

The issue therefore is what happens if you dad passed away, then you. That's quite many ifs at this point.

Considering you would be leaving that house to your child, that is his own child too, I don't think it is unreasonable he also increase the value of what will go to his son. The issue I expect is this ultimately, at this point, he is asked to increase the value of a house that still belongs to your dad, who could change his will anytime without even you knowing. Still, considering this allows him to be housed for free, it still doesn't seem so unreasonable that he should contribute something, as long as it doesn't go into large amounts.

JustThePerson · 03/02/2019 09:51

If you’re married surely the 10%/ 90% split is pointless because he could get far more than 10% through the divorce?

I’m gobsmacked that you’ve been together 11 years and have a child together, yet talk about protecting your assets for your child? There seems to be very little trust in your relationship! I know people do things differently but I wouldn’t think twice about sharing with my DH.

I think the suggestion of charging him rent is ridiculous given that you’re married and have a child, however it goes both ways in my opinion. He shouldn’t see the house maintenance as ‘your expense’ for the same reasons that you shouldn’t charge him rent.

Missingstreetlife · 03/02/2019 09:52

You both need to get legal advice about what happens if you split. I understood you keep assets you had before marriage and inheritance but income in the relationship should be split, think about pensions etc. It does seem he should own a small part of house 1 and pay to maintain it, what will happen to the income? Can that pay for new boiler etc. He feels he would be in the gutter, you feel he's taking advantage, the truth is probably between, or one is because of the other. Get a professional eye on it for perspective

Sindragosan · 03/02/2019 09:55

If the rent from the house will be going to you alone, you should pay for the improvements. If you're going to share rental income, you should share upkeep costs.

Original poster
Sadie74 · 03/02/2019 09:55

Hi

I am aware that if my dad needs care the house would be sold to pay for this. Any monies i have are being left to our child. Perhaps it’s because we’ve both had bad experiences before with previous partners that we feel the need to keep our money separate. I am glad i posted as you have all given me food for thought, hopefully i can find a way forward where everyone is happy.

Thank you everyone
S

OP posts:
AWishForWingsThatWork · 03/02/2019 09:56

He's been living rent free for years, so presumably could have saved up a nice nest egg, especially with his higher salary, and he said he would move out if he had to pay rent. And he's already planning on leaving 50% of the house to a new wife should you die and leave him the house.

Wow.

I'd tell him he should be paying rent, like he'd have to if you two were renting or paying off a mortgage. And, yes, to you.

You don't own the second, bigger house yet. And, if something goes wrong and the house is needed down the line to pay off caring expenses, etc, you may never own it. Things change. So don't spend a lot improving someone else's house. Just like your DH didn't until he got a 10% deal of the value. It's just sensible.

Seriously. Your DH needs to pay towards the costs of living somewhere, even if it's a 'friendly' rate so you can maintain your house without his 'extra' input if he's going to be so ridiculous about the home his own child lives in.

Bouledeneige · 03/02/2019 09:56

When you are married the starting point is that everything is split 50:50 so your ageeement/wills are irrelevant.

CanILeavenowplease · 03/02/2019 09:57

If you split up, you may find 10% wouldn’t be enough and a court battle would ensue. It is unlikely he wouldn’t walk away with more.

You really need to consider the implications of your family needing care in their old age. It is very expensive - at it’s cheapest running into thousands a month. Unless your family has considered this, you will potentially lose your home.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 03/02/2019 09:57

Exactly how bad were the bad financial experiences you both suffered from more than 11 years ago?

CandleWithHair · 03/02/2019 09:58

Good luck OP

IceRebel · 03/02/2019 09:58

hopefully i can find a way forward where everyone is happy.

Your next step should be to see a solicitor.

catontherun · 03/02/2019 09:59

I think everyone is forgetting that you are actually married. He is your DH not just OH.

Wills are one thing but divorce is quite another. If you split up, you'll be divorcing and unless he signed a pre-nup (which is fast gaining ground legally in the UK at present although still not technically legally binding) he could walk away with a lot more than 10% of the original house. Neither of you own the second house so it wouldn't be included in any joint assets splitting exercise during divorce proceedings.

OnTheHop · 03/02/2019 09:59

Boilers are a depreciating expense and needed for the day to day running. Like a toaster but bigger. Yes he should share booker costs.

What happens to the rent for the current house?

He is getting a home for life from a 10% contribution to a house!

TearingUpMyHeart · 03/02/2019 10:00

You're married. He'll get half everything anyway if you divorce.

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