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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being unreasonable financially?

223 replies

Sadie74 · 03/02/2019 09:02

My OH moved in with me 11 years ago, into a house that I owned outright. We each pay half of all the bills and have separate accounts (both of us have had problems with previous partners abusing joint accounts). We had some building work done a few years ago which he contributed to. We worked out his contribution to the whole cost of the house is 10% of the value, so if we ever split up i would pay him 10% of the value of the house. I am happy with this, as is he. We have a child now as well. My family have offered us a big detached house to live in, while i will not technically own it, it is being left to me by my dad in his Will. I had a Will drawn up myself which was fully discussed with my OH, in which my current house will be left to my OH but the house from my dad will be left to my child, so that it is kept in the family. OH was happy with this as his main concern was he would be left without a home if i died. My intention is to rent out our current house when we move into the new house. The new house has been redecorated throughout, new kitchen etc. by my family however, there are a couple of things which we would like to change and a small bit of work to do still. These are put in gas central heating, a small bit of wood work and a different hob, oven in the kitchen, eventually we would like to redo the downstairs bathroom. My OH has said he doesn’t see why he should pay for half of any work, which he agrees needs done because the house will never be his. He has said if he does pay for anything he wants an increased percentage in the original house, which I’m not too happy about. It is written into my Will if i die before him although the house would go to our child, he can live in the house until he no longer wants to. He earns more money than i do and my family have helped us loads so I’m quite taken back by his attitude. He is more than happy to say what needs to be done etc but won’t help financially even though he is going to get to live in the house he has always wanted to live in. Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
champagneplanet · 03/02/2019 09:27

So why not use the money you make from renting your existing house to make any changes you want?

Why aren't you married? Do you trust him? It's all very what's mine is mine, presumably because there has been issues in the past with other people but you are carrying them over into your current relationship.

jacks11 · 03/02/2019 09:27

i think YABU to ask him to contribute to the renovations of the new house when he will never be able to have a share. So, whilst he would be ok if you died because he will inherit house one and be able to live in house 2, the bigger issue is what happens if you split.

Under your suggested arrangement he should contribute to a house and if you split he's just lost that money. Whilst you get 90% of house 1 and you get to stay in house 2, which he has contributed to. So, I agree with him that if he is to contribute substantially to upgrade of house 2 whilst never having a financial stake in it, that contribution should be reflected by an increasing share in house 1 if you were to split. Otherwise he will have invested money in a house and if you split could be financially disadvantaged.

I would give the same advice if the situations were reversed, by the way.

Fridaysgirl · 03/02/2019 09:27

What a sad way to lead your relationship.

You have a child together yet clearly don't trust each other.

Leaving the larger property to your child and not your partner will make their relationship very difficult if you were to die.

Hwory · 03/02/2019 09:28

Surely he has a large amount of savings from not having to pay rent or a mortgages for years or has he just been using it as disposable income?

minesasaugagesupper · 03/02/2019 09:28

According to your will you do realise that if you die tomorrow you DP will get all of your first house and your child will get nothing as you do not own the second house.

Surely it would be better to leave a percentage of the first house to your DP and the remainder to your child. That protects your child's inheritance in the event that your DP remarries and decides to leave everything to his new partner.

TokenGinger · 03/02/2019 09:31

If he earns more money, he presumably could have afforded his own property were he not contributing to your house(s)

He's contributing towards bills which he'd be doing in any property, but living rent free.

If he wants to invest in his own property, he should do that with all of the money he's saving living rent free in OP's home.

I'm with you on this, OP, and I'd be the same if it was a man. I'd think differently if he was paying towards a mortgage but given you own the house outright, I think his way of contributing towards "rent" should be to pay towards work that needs doing.

CandleWithHair · 03/02/2019 09:32

If you want to keep the overall arrangement as it is, then he is not being unreasonable about the second house. you need to make the investment in the changes for your own benefit and future.
You could, and probably should. discuss him paying some sort of rent, as he is getting the benefit of free accommodation + renovations.

Alternatively he gets a similar arrangement in house 2 as he does house 1, but As the property isn’t even yours yet I think you’d be on shaky ground promising him X% of something you don’t even own yet. Your dad May have to get involved?

Original poster
Sadie74 · 03/02/2019 09:32

Hi All,

We are married, the Will was drawn up with his input, he says he doesn’t need a Will as he is happy to get the first house and a lifetime interest in the second and if he marries again at that point he might make Will and leave thr first house 50/50 between our child and his new spouse. I’m trying to protect as much as i can for our child. He doesn’t pay rent and says if i ask him for any he would move out! By the way we haven’t argued or fallen out about it, we’ll work it out but i wanted other people’s thoughts. If roles were reversed i would help towards the house but my husband and I think differently about money, i try to save it and accumulate it while he likes to spend his on shiny things (his words) Smile

OP posts:
sollyfromsurrey · 03/02/2019 09:33

He is benefiting from living rent free in a house he didn't buy. He is earning more than you. You say he earns more than you, if you were to split, what are you getting from him? Why is he living off you if he earns more? Why is he not seeing that he is the one benefitting financially from this arrangement? He should be sharing the costs of life and paying for things in the house in lieu of rent. You appear to be doing all the giving and sharing and he is doing the using and getting.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 03/02/2019 09:35

The CF has been living rent free

I had assumed half the bills included the mortgage for the first house, is this wrong?

sollyfromsurrey · 03/02/2019 09:35

He sounds a shit. He spends all his earnings on 'shiny things' whilst you beaver away putting yours into property etc but he feels like you are short changing him? He either needs to start contributing or kick him out. He sounds like a leech.

ChakiraChakra · 03/02/2019 09:36

I can see his point. I think there's also inequality in that he's not paying any rent, and also separately that he's earning more but isn't contributing more financially than you towards the household, given that your share a child.

How about if you pay for the work on the property, and he pays "rent" into a separate account for your child? Either one that you can both access for any additional expenses child incurrs above what's normal now, or in trust.

And/or he use the money he would pay in rent towards investing in a separate rental property, that you jointly benefit from, but if you ever split would be his.

grenadezombie · 03/02/2019 09:36

I’m trying to protect as much as i can for our child.

This is really worrying.

Most married couples have both parents wanting to do this for their child. Why do you not trust your husband?

HollyGoLoudly1 · 03/02/2019 09:36

He is benefiting from living rent free in a house he didn't buy.

But so is OP. It's not like he's saving money at her expense. And she has all the assets bar 10% of the smaller house.

Blackbear10 · 03/02/2019 09:36

He would be absolutely crazy to invest money into a house he will never own.

The 10% on the current house is a contact separate thing, I’m not sure why you are using that as some sort of bargaining chip on the new situation? Surely you want work done to house one, he paid part of the costs and now owns part of the houses, that’s an unrelated matter.

If he pays any money into the new house then of course he should get a percentage. What he does with that percentage would be up to him (although one would hope he would put it into his will for his DC)

Thecabbageassasin · 03/02/2019 09:37

He’s living rent/ mortgage free and just sharing utility bills, c tax with you ? He Should be contributing towards the renovations in leiu of rent

Podemos · 03/02/2019 09:37

Why are people suggesting he pay rent??? OP will have 2 houses which she will pay no mortgage on and people want her to make money out of 'allowing' her dp to live with her! Imagine if the sexes were reversed.

I think you need to forget about what's in place in your will, that all seems to make sense. It's if you split that there is a problem. He will have financially contributed to your family's home, you dump him, kick him out, move you other man in and he gets nothing (not taking about the first house- just this second one). Of course, I'm not saying you would do this, just that you completely could. As someone else had said, would a women on here be advised that this is ok?

Is there a reason you're not married? Does one of you not want to or is it a mutual agreement?

Blackbear10 · 03/02/2019 09:38

So many typos! Why can’t we edit posts Sad

bananasandwicheseveryday · 03/02/2019 09:39

Regardless of what your on should/shouldn't be paying towards improvements, or having/not having a financial share of the house, I hope you are protected in case your dad has to go into a care home in the future. My understanding is that as he still owns the second house, that could end up having to be sold to cover fees and you would then lose the money you've spent on it? Hopefully someone with a better knowledge of this will be able to offer advice.

puguin86 · 03/02/2019 09:39

You are married OP. If you are in the UK that makes the first house half his Hmm

Fridaysgirl · 03/02/2019 09:39

You are married!!
This is worrying.

IceRebel · 03/02/2019 09:40

You are married OP. If you are in the UK that makes the first house half his Hmm

I also thought this was the case. Happy to be proved wrong, but I thought the starting point was 50 - 50 for all assets.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 03/02/2019 09:41

If you are married, isn't this a different situation? genuinely interested in the answer here because I don't know enough about this. Isn't the home you live in the 'marital home' and in the event of a split he would be entitled to a share regardless of what you privately agree?

ChakiraChakra · 03/02/2019 09:42

Ooh think I cross posted with your update. Hmm. The spending on shiney things and moving out if you charged rent sound off to me. Would he really refuse to pay you any rent out of principal, only to go and pay rent to a stranger while inconveniencing the heck out of you both/breaking up an otherwise fine relationship where there's a child involved? That sounds like bluffing to me.

CalmdownJanet · 03/02/2019 09:42

Hold the phone, he's talking about leaving 50% of house one to his new spouse??? Look change your will, allow him to live there for a few years if you like but leave it to your child. He's a tight user, pay for everything yourself and charge him cheap rent, that way you both benefit and your child is well looked after.

50% to his new imaginary spouse while you are still alive 😂 he's having a laugh, more income, no rent and he's "happy with a free house and a lifetime interest in the other" we isn't he just fucking great

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