Am i being unreasonable financially?

[Sadie74]

My OH moved in with me 11 years ago, into a house that I owned outright. We each pay half of all the bills and have separate accounts (both of us have had problems with previous partners abusing joint accounts). We had some building work done a few years ago which he contributed to. We worked out his contribution to the whole cost of the house is 10% of the value, so if we ever split up i would pay him 10% of the value of the house. I am happy with this, as is he. We have a child now as well. My family have offered us a big detached house to live in, while i will not technically own it, it is being left to me by my dad in his Will. I had a Will drawn up myself which was fully discussed with my OH, in which my current house will be left to my OH but the house from my dad will be left to my child, so that it is kept in the family. OH was happy with this as his main concern was he would be left without a home if i died. My intention is to rent out our current house when we move into the new house. The new house has been redecorated throughout, new kitchen etc. by my family however, there are a couple of things which we would like to change and a small bit of work to do still. These are put in gas central heating, a small bit of wood work and a different hob, oven in the kitchen, eventually we would like to redo the downstairs bathroom. My OH has said he doesn’t see why he should pay for half of any work, which he agrees needs done because the house will never be his. He has said if he does pay for anything he wants an increased percentage in the original house, which I’m not too happy about. It is written into my Will if i die before him although the house would go to our child, he can live in the house until he no longer wants to. He earns more money than i do and my family have helped us loads so I’m quite taken back by his attitude. He is more than happy to say what needs to be done etc but won’t help financially even though he is going to get to live in the house he has always wanted to live in. Am i being unreasonable?

kindlyplay I'm not sure why you find it strange the op doesn't trust her oh to look after their son, he has told her outright he won't, he said himself he plans to remarry and leave new spouse 50%, that's why she doesn't trust him

Unrelated to what the OP is originally asking, but don't wait until your dad dies and leave you the house in his will you'll be hit with tax massively. Have him put the house in your name before he dies and you will avoid any tax

I'm not sure why you find it strange the op doesn't trust her oh to look after their son, he has told her outright he won't, he said himself he plans to remarry and leave new spouse 50%, that's why she doesn't trust him

Perhaps I find it strange that she is still married to a man she doesn't trust to do right by his son. I just didn't word that well.

Your agreement sounds fair if you die first.

But he has no way of starting again if you split. I think if he is investing in either property his 10% should increase. Hopefully it will never matter, but as he gets older getting a mortgage will be more difficult. I wouldn't want him to feel trapped.

OP forgive me but it seems to me that you're approaching this from the wrong angle.

I get that you were both fleeced by previous partners and that in the early days of the relationship, when you didn't know where it would go or how it would turn out, you both wanted to protect your assets. But that was 11 years ago and since then you've got married and had a child, but the attitude to finances that you both had at the beginning are still entrenched. Isn't it time you forgot (for now) the wills specifically, and sat down together for a serious discussion about family finances more generally? Because it sounds like after all this time you still don't trust each other or see each other as partners in a long term relationship.

Is your marriage otherwise solid? Do you love him? Does he love you?

The thing about making a will is that it has to be drawn up as if you were going to die tomorrow. You might well hope it won't be needed for many years to come, but you can't write it for what you want to happen in 20 or more years. That's why you revise them as circumstances change.

This goes beyond houses and wills, to the heart of your family set up. There's obviously still a lot of issues around money, and unless you address them the resentment, and resulting rift is just going to grow and (imo) make divorce more likely.

Why do people get married when they don’t trust eachother and don’t share? I know people who have got married to protect the other person via life insurance but this is the opposite.
I hope you can come to a resolution op.

Why would he get the value of what he puts into the previous house, but not this one?

That's it really. He's already taking the risk that you'll stay together forever (without marriage). If you split up, he'll have to start over with just 10%. If the roles were reversed, people would all be demanding that you got a fair share for your financial input! So why not him?

But they are married. If they split up, he'll be starting over with potentially 50% of the current house, at least, whilst having lived rent/mortgage free for years.

He should pay towards the work because the value he gets is the enjoyment from using it now. As opposed to there eventually being a return on his investment, if you split

You are not being unreasonable. Your spouse sounds rather tightfisted to me. He is not willing to improve a house that his wife and child will be living in? He is not really contributing much to the family, is he? Any decent man would be prioritising their family home over "shiny things".
As for the difference in terms of ownership of the two houses, you could see him as perhaps marrying well in regard to the first house, and quite keen to not lose out on the benefits of the second house. He certainly has an eye to the main chance, or so it seems. Like previous posters, I know people who have seen all their Mum's hard earned assets go to wife no 2's family. All it takes is for the Dad to not make a will.
It sounds like your Dad is pretty clued up, though, and it is interesting that he is not handing over the house right away. Does he have any concerns about it being yours in the event of marriage failure/death? He could be thinking long term about his grandchild's security.
I hope you don't take this suggestion the wrong way. I am old and cynical, and have 2 ex-son in laws!

I would take out a small loan against the first house to pay for the works and pay it back interest only if possible just to spite him.

But they are married.

I don't they can be. Otherwise the question about getting 10% when they split up wouldn't arise. He'd be entitled to rather more than that.

Maybe the Op could clarify?

I would take out a small loan against the first house to pay for the works and pay it back interest only if possible just to spite him.

It's a good idea, but for the wrong reason! Don't make it a battle, try and agree a reasonable compromise.

I have been told that property or assets accrued pre marriage is not included as part of the financial negotiation. That only finances accrued whilst married are included. Also inheritance known to be coming when a parent dies is not included in the financial negotiations.

My EH is due to inherit absolutely loads. has a trust fund. None of that could be included.

I don't they can be. Otherwise the question about getting 10% when they split up wouldn't arise. He'd be entitled to rather more than that

Not necessarily if it's a pre-marital asset with no contribution from the other spouse.

This spouse HAS contributed to some building work, which is possibly what led the OP (or her solicitor) to attach the 10% figure to his share.

Jaxhog OP has stated they are married in a post.

YABU. Why would he put any financial investment into House 2 when if you split or you die he gets no share of that house...

Perhaps consider the money he will save by living rent and mortgage free? This would be an unattainable dream for so many people. He is happy to dictate what improvements should be done, but unhappy about helping out. Nice.

Have him put the house in your name before he dies and you will avoid any tax

Not necessarily true. He would need to stay alive for 7 years after giving OP the house, for her to avoid inheritance tax. If he dies before that 7 years is up, she'll have to pay some IT.

OP, neither of you should be putting money into a house you don't actually own. I don't understand how you can bequeath a property that you don't actually own either.

But you do need to change your will regarding the first house, if you want your child to inherit anything from you, until such time as you do actually own the second house. Then you can change your will again, to the original plan.

I used to see so many stories on another forum, where the mother or father's assets went to the other partner, who then remarried, died, and all assets went to the new spouse, with the children from the first marriage losing out.

Someone earlier in the thread asked why you would even think about splitting up, when arranging finances, that if you do consider it, your relationship is in trouble.
Well, actually, everybody should consider all possibilities, however unlikely they seem, or how strong their relationship is. It's prudent to do so, as many people here will have, at one time, never believed their partners would have an affair, only to find years down the line, that they're left for the OW.
So many relationships do end, so it's wise to plan for the worst, and hope for the best.
It's not a question of trust, or lack of it.

Actually he did said he would marry again if I died and he would make a Will leaving half of house to our child and half to his new spouse.

He said he'll move out if you try and charge him rent. He only put some money into house 1 after a contract was drawn up stating he'd recieve his investment back. Hes now said he won't give you a penny towards house number 2 even though the changes are something he also wants as they will benefit him. And you've left all house 1 to him in a will and a lifetime interest or whatever in house 2.
So he's taking a hell of a lot more out of this financial situation than hes giving. AND hes followed this up by already saying if you died he'd give half your house to his new wife after refusing to help you with the financial up keep of the houses at every turn!
I know this is just a snapshot of your relationship and he must have good points, but all that just screams shitty to me.

MrsHopey has summed it up pretty well.

Take care crossing the road because a lot could happen before your child inherits house 2, which you don’t own and neither does your child at present.

OP pay him off now. He's living on your family's wealth so kick him out to get his own house.
Freeloading git

Why not suggest that he sets up a savings account for himself, into which he puts the equivalent to local rent every month. He can save a deposit for a house that will be in his name with no strings attached.

1. He's being resentful of the fact that you're providing him with free lodging, and refusing to contribute towards both-of-yours comfort in the house you're moving into.

1. If you die he basically gets everything - lifetime tenancy in the 2nd house (if you've inherited it by then), full ownership of the house you own outright.

1. Your child will either inherit nothing for years if you die (and certainly won't get the good start towards housing that you've had) or your DH will offer to come to some agreement that allows your child to pay him a large sum in return for vacating the second house. The lawyers for my friend's mother worked it out this way... the mother could possibly live 20 years, therefore my friend had to reimburse her the equivalent of what would be reasonable rent for twenty years. That could be anything like £100,000.

1. It would be reasonable to leave one house, your current one, to your DH, accepting that he intends leaving it to his new wife, but it's completely UNreasonable to tie both properties to him, causing your child to lose out on family properties, that your DH has had no input towards.

1. In your shoes I'd be very careful and not allow your DH to contribute anything towards refurbishment of this next house, as that then gives him a claim on it. Get a loan and do the work yourself, and keep all paperwork proving he hasn't contributed.

1. He's proven that he wants everything to land in his lap for free, so you have to protect your child's inheritance. Imagine how your child will feel if you die and their father is left in control of two properties, while they get nothing.

Sorry for being so long-winded, but I'd want to protect my child's future inheritance. Your DH could easily save what he would otherwise be paying in rent, and buy a property of his own to add to the family pot. He's not doing that because he doesn't have to, your family is providing everything.

In your shoes I'd be very careful and not allow your DH to contribute anything towards refurbishment of this next house, as that then gives him a claim on it.

He will have a claim on it regardless of whether he pays anything, as it will be an asset of the marriage. If they divorce, he will be entitled to 50% of the value.

You have a life together, a child together and are happy? Stop with the T&Cs it doesn’t matter who has what or what is owned by who if it means that much to you that you own both houses and he has a house to live in you pay. Why would he improve houses he doesn’t own and youbbe frank you are making a big deal