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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brother wants to move in with me

224 replies

Eggstatic · 24/01/2019 20:17

DB is 19 years old, our mum passed away last September, he was living with her at the time and so since then he's been living with our other brother. Though he doesn't have the space and he's stuggling to afford to keep him there as DB doesn't have a job and honestly isn't really trying to find one. He's asked me if he can move in for a while, i feel incredibly sorry for him I really do but I can't really afford it either and I live hours away from the rest of the family. I want to help him but can't be sure he'll really be trying to get a job if he moves here and he's not been very specific on how long he's hoping to stay for. Part of me feels like I should just say yes but I know I need to think this through properly

OP posts:
Weezol · 24/01/2019 20:21

Hard no from me - purely on the basis that he doesn’t appear to contribute to the household.

If he was studying full time or picking up agency work that would be different. I understand he's grieving, but so are you and he can't float through life depending on good will.

Has he ever worked/been in post 16 education?

FawnDrench · 24/01/2019 20:25

No - he needs to behave like an adult and take responsibility for himself.
The family helping him out is just enabling his laziness and is totally counterproductive.

FevertreeLight · 24/01/2019 20:25

Hard no from me - purely on the basis that he doesn’t appear to contribute to the household.

He is a 19 year old whose mother has just died.

Kolo · 24/01/2019 20:27

Having been through losing my mum, I’d have to say yes. It was such an awful time, and 19 is pretty young to have to deal with that loss.

Sirzy · 24/01/2019 20:30

A fresh break in a new area may help him?

Give him some help and support to find training/a job?

Houseonahill · 24/01/2019 20:30

I would but on strict conditions, he has to get a job BEFORE he moves in, any job, pub, supermarket, McDonald's anything. And he has to contribute, work out how much it will cost you to have him there and he has to pay it. Sit down and explain why he has to -that he is an adult and you can't afford to keep him. Be nice but be firm.

YoureAMeanOneMrGrinch · 24/01/2019 20:30

I would say yes but set the ground rules. He can move then IF he looks for a job, and once he has a steady income he has to find somewhere else to live, just let him know you'll still be close by.

He's just lost his mum and his siblings don't seem keen on having him around, that's got to be hard at that age.

PoshPenny · 24/01/2019 20:32

Can you establish some ground rules, like he has to be working and pays his way rather than freeloading off you as you can't afford that? Poor boy must be hurting (as of course you all are) having lost his mum. What happens to him if you say no? Is there anyone else he can stay with?

bananaramaspyjamas · 24/01/2019 20:32

Could you make some kind of plan with him - that you do a trial period of a few months or whatever and during that time he starts to put in place plans for some work or study? Maybe he could get benefits to at least contribute something and they'll want to see evidence he's looking for work?
to you both

Holidayshopping · 24/01/2019 20:33

Have you got a spare room for him? Do you have a partner-if so, what do they think?

FevertreeLight · 24/01/2019 20:34

McDonald's anything

Mumsnet bingo.

Purpleartichoke · 24/01/2019 20:34

I would give him a place to live with the condition that he has to find a job, any job, ASAP. Eventually he needs to be working full-time. He also needs to help out with housework on some Agreed upon schedule.

Basically I would do what your mother would have done for him. Give him a safe place and structure to help him become independent.

Newsername · 24/01/2019 20:34

Ffs. He’s a 19 year old, just becoming a man and he’s lost his mother only 4 months ago. Cut him some slack, sit him down and help him focus and find a job. Can you imagine how his world has been turned upside down? To be living with your mum one day and then she’s gone, and he’s having to ask his own siblings to live with them. Honestly, things like this really make me emotional, I lost my mum at a young age and no one understood.

he can't float through life depending on good will. what shitty thing to say. It’s only been 4 months.

zippey · 24/01/2019 20:35

The recent death of a parent should swing my answer to a YES but with conditions.

Oysterbabe · 24/01/2019 20:35

Is his father around?

Rigamorph · 24/01/2019 20:36

Say yes - on the condition that he finds an (easy, part-time) job within given time frame (12 weeks?) in order to pay X amount towards rent. Go with him to job centre, take him to interviews, help him with his CV. Make it as easy for him as you can.
When I wanted my younger brother to move out by a certain date I arranged a series of visitors coming to stay every weekend so I had an excuse to need him to vacate the room. He got the hint and moved out. (We had lost a parent but we were late twenties, so different issue).

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/01/2019 20:37

Who else do you live with and how do they feel?

trooth · 24/01/2019 20:37

Thinking about my siblings and my mother, it would be an unconditional yes.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 24/01/2019 20:38

Poor lad. Could you agree with your older brother that you will have him for a bit and see how he gets on? Maybe a month, six weeks or until Easter. Then review.

Oxytocindeficient · 24/01/2019 20:39

As others have said, yes but with a big conversation about work and what he’s going to do to contribute etc I had my brother stay to help him out, much much older, and he sponged off us for months without paying a thing. This situation is different because your mother has died and he must be feeling extremely lost and alone. Be there for him now, and I bet you’ll form a close relationship that you’ll value later on. Poor kid. I’m sorry to you all for your loss.

StoneofDestiny · 24/01/2019 20:41

Tell him he needs to get a FT job first, then put a time frame on his stay

DianaT1969 · 24/01/2019 20:43

My brother is my rock and I couldn't imagine not helping him.
I hope you can help him get into work and eventually a place of his own. You didn't mention anything negative about him (drugs/crime etc) or anything about your own home that prevents you. So assuming no drip-feed, this is the time to help him. There will probably never be a better time to connect with him.

BeatNickBeamer · 24/01/2019 20:45

What benefits does he get? I would let him live with me but I would insist he gives me 80% of his benefit to cover bills and food. He'd then be left with enough for bus fair and basics.

User12879923378 · 24/01/2019 20:45

Unless there's something specific like a terrible relationship between you or some sort of longstanding issue that you would struggle to manage like an untreated drinking or drug use issue, I would say yes, at least in the short term.

bourbonbiccy · 24/01/2019 20:47

I would definitely let my brother move in with me in the situation even if it meant beans on toast for everyone, he's your brother.