My brother wants to move in with me

[Eggstatic]

DB is 19 years old, our mum passed away last September, he was living with her at the time and so since then he's been living with our other brother. Though he doesn't have the space and he's stuggling to afford to keep him there as DB doesn't have a job and honestly isn't really trying to find one. He's asked me if he can move in for a while, i feel incredibly sorry for him I really do but I can't really afford it either and I live hours away from the rest of the family. I want to help him but can't be sure he'll really be trying to get a job if he moves here and he's not been very specific on how long he's hoping to stay for. Part of me feels like I should just say yes but I know I need to think this through properly

How much extra is it realistically going to cost here to have him there? All she needs to do is stretch out meals to include one more. He can sign on as soon as he gets there and contribute out of that while he looks for a job.

Some 19-year-old men can eat a lot, use quite a bit of leccy and gas if they came a lot and/or take long showers or baths, there's his washing to consider. There's a reason why people qualify for child benefit, after all.

'Signing on' is now UC. There is a wait of at least 5 weeks for any money unless you borrow against it, which you'll have to pay back, thereby reducing your benefit later on, and he'll need to show he's spent 35 hours a week online looking for work. He needs a computer or phone to use for that and transport to and from the Job Centre (if he can't walk to it) and to any work placements.

If you are on the breadline already, it's a big thing to take on another adult.

Well yes he'd probably be better off just getting a job than all that hassle, but he's not ready just yet. It might be a wait of 5 weeks, but it's backdated surely? Course he SHOULD get a job and move out of his brothers right now but real life isn't quite like that.

Blood is thicker than water.

He’s 19, that is very young. Brains don’t stop developing until 25. He’s very young.

He’s lost his mum and his home, and neither you or your brother want him. Poor guy. I wonder if your mum want this for him? What do you think?

That you and your brother even thinking if not taking him in disgusts me.

What are families for?

Some 19-year-old men can eat a lot, use quite a bit of leccy and gas if they came a lot and/or take long showers or baths, there's his washing to consider. There's a reason why people qualify for child benefit, after all

He'll have to accept that food might be a bit less for a while, he can't game constantly and he's only allowed quick showers. He has to give and take too.

'Signing on' is now UC. There is a wait of at least 5 weeks for any money unless you borrow against it, which you'll have to pay back, thereby reducing your benefit later on, and he'll need to show he's spent 35 hours a week online looking for work. He needs a computer or phone to use for that and transport to and from the Job Centre (if he can't walk to it) and to any work placements.

Everyone that is out of work has to do this too, why should he be any different? The job centre have phones & computers to use, as does the library. He's going to have to put himself out in all of this too. He could look for a cheap bike on ebay or freecycle if the job centre is a little bit further away. If UC doesn't kick in for 5 weeks and he hasn't got any work in that time maybe he could register with a GP there and tell them the situation and see if they will refer him to a food bank so he can bring some food in that way.

If you are on the breadline already, it's a big thing to take on another adult.

It would only be temporary, and if not, if he doesn't get a job then he's had his chance and OP will be within her rights to tell him to leave.

He sounds lost
He needs support and a place home to live in, but he also needs structure & purpose in his life

Grieving for 4 months without having any routine or aim can send him deeper into depression

Discuss with him and your other DB how this can work for everyone
He has to agree to a structured plan - and you both need to help him carry that out:

1. Make sure he agrees to get benefits and help him through the process Also he agrees to make a Standing Order for a fair amount that covers the extra food & utilities, but leaves him a little weekly pocket money and a small fixed sum, even a fiver per week, that he uses to build up his savings.

and to some pp:
NO, not everybody can stretch their food budget to cover the amount a 19-yr-old man will eat, or the water etc he will use
Some people are already stretched nd the OP doesn't want to cut down on what her DC get.

2. You agree about chores, e.g. that he does his own laundry, looks after his own room, changes his bedding etc
   Maybe he can babysit his nephews & neices once a week, to let you do errands etc
   You teach him to cook a few things, if he doesn't know how - he needs this knowledge for the future.

3. He goes to counselling if he needs this
   You try to find a counsellor near you with time available

4. If he is able to work, agree a plan to look for and apply for jobs
   You need to help him with this search and teach him how to make applications

Are you on benefits? Would having him to stay impact on your claiming?

I think you should definitely take him in, if you can. He needs support to boost his mood and confidence in himself/social situations so he can tackle starting his independent life and applying for jobs, knowing he has a safe base to go home to for now. It must be very scary for him. Of course, he should help you out as much as he can in the home while he is staying with you. I was terrified of going to find myself a job when I left school (at 18) and it took a lot of courage and family encouragement as I was rather immature and had no self-confidence.

I can’t belive people would turn away their 19 year old sibling, so soon after the death of a parent - because his only crime is he’s a bit lazy.

My dd is 12 years younger than the youngest of her 3 brothers. We have already had the conversation that if anything happens to us, they have to look after her. The youngest of the 3 boys is 25 and she is 12.

They absolutely confirmed that they would and we’re horrified to think otherwise.

What happened to the house he lived in with his mum?

I don't see how you can say no tbh. He's your little brother and he's just lost his mum. Who he lived with. I imagine he feels like the bottom has fallen out of his world.

But I also understand the need for some ground rules too. He helps around the house and seriously looks for a job. No lying around in bed all day or on the sofa.

He doesn't have many qualifications, he did his GCSE's but didn't pass many and what he did pass he didn't get great grades on. Which is a shame because he's really bright and had the potential to do really well if he had tried. He went to college but didn't pass the course and he doesn't want to go back into education. DM really wanted him to but he refused so she started encouraging him to find a job and this is the point he's still at now. It would have been a completely different situation if say he had only dropped out of college or stopped looking for a job after DM's death and I completely understand it's difficult for him. I'm worried I won't be able to convince him to look for a job if DM couldn't and she tried for years to help him get his act together. Just to add for those wondering where our dad is, he is also not around anymore, he passed away when DB was a few months old

I’m so sorry you are all dealing with such a massive loss, and as I have DC the same age range, I’ve been really touched by your situation.
I suggest you get some proper advice from your local CAB to find out about what your dB could claim whilst looking for work, and also find out about your local Princes Trust as they support young adults who have lost their way, or need direction. Some YMCAs do too.
www.princes-trust.org.uk/help-for-young-people/programmes
www.citizensadvice.org.uk

www.ymca.org.uk

You should be very afraid that he won't try to get a job, especially if you cannot afford to keep him and you have your own children to care for. On UC he can be sanctioned if the DWP deem him as not trying hard enough to get a job. If you receive any benefits these can be compromised. If you are single and he moves in you lose your single council tax discount.

If you can't carry him financially then you really need to think hard before he moves and you have to be strong enough to kick him out if he proves himself a professional dosser.

He is a teenager whose mum has died. Your own brother.

I can’t imagine a universe in which I’d say no.

He needs your support. Plenty of teenagers are directionless and lazy and grow up into hard working human beings.

Being left to sink or swim without support is a sure fire way to limit his chances.

Poor kid. I can’t imagine having no parents at that age and being turned away by the rest of the family :-(

he's technically homeless so he needs to go speak to his local council.
If he moves in with you he won't be classed as homeless or a priority and won't get the help he could otherwise have received to live independently.

How long has it been since he left college - a year?
Enough time to find a job any job...so what has he been doing all this time?
Where does his money come from?

It's all very well people saying you should take him in but that may not be the right thing to do here.

He sounds like a NEET deadbeat who will stay forever. You have him.

If it was my 19 year old DB who had recently lost both his Mum and his house I would without question. But then I would never describe a grieving teenager in such terms because I am sympathetic and understanding not a heartless bitch.

I would say yes but you and him need to sit down and make some sort of long term plan.

Does he need to go back to college to learn a trade, study, qualify in something.

Also I would let him know that you are only just managing so he will need to get a job of some sort. Even if it is stacking shelves or pulling pints.

At 19 to lose a parent is tough

I would hate to be related to some of the heartless people on this thread and i really hope none of you ever have a situation in your life where you could do with your families help.

Losing a parent is so tough and i dont think the first thing on his mind is to find a job after 4 months, which is understandable. I would definitely take in a sibling in these circumstances.

‘You can come only if you get a job, and you can stay only if you keep a job. I would love to have you, you would be very welcome here and we are all family always. I hope you will consider my offer’

What if he tries but can’t get a job? What if it takes a year?

Fucking hell. I’m with you Pinkii

FGS, she cannot afford to keep him for a year or however long he thinks he needs to get a job! She doesn't have the money to support another adult! What is she supposed to do, magic up a tocher of money?

Have you spoken to your other brother, OP? Can you work something out between you?

And if neither of you have him, are there any alternatives? What do you think is options are?