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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My brother wants to move in with me

224 replies

Eggstatic · 24/01/2019 20:17

DB is 19 years old, our mum passed away last September, he was living with her at the time and so since then he's been living with our other brother. Though he doesn't have the space and he's stuggling to afford to keep him there as DB doesn't have a job and honestly isn't really trying to find one. He's asked me if he can move in for a while, i feel incredibly sorry for him I really do but I can't really afford it either and I live hours away from the rest of the family. I want to help him but can't be sure he'll really be trying to get a job if he moves here and he's not been very specific on how long he's hoping to stay for. Part of me feels like I should just say yes but I know I need to think this through properly

OP posts:
Wordthe · 25/01/2019 21:55

He clearly needs help and support, my concern would be that would be too easy for him to not pull his weight if he lives with his sister

brizzledrizzle · 25/01/2019 21:59

I’d have to say yes. It was such an awful time, and 19 is pretty young to have to deal with that loss.

^ This. Yes, there may be issues with him not contributing but 19 is no age to suddenly have to support yourself unexpectedly. Family need to work together in this situation.

MortyVicar · 25/01/2019 22:10

OP you've answered the question I was going to ask, which is what was he like before your mum died. I think given your answer it's not as simple as a young adult who's lost his mother and needs support while he comes to terms with it.

You'd be reasonable to say that as he's moving so far and won't know anyone, he has to have a job before he moves in. The problem with setting conditions for after he's moved is obviously that he'll agree to everything, knowing that you're in a very difficult position if he doesn't stick to his side of the bargain.

But it would be better if you could talk to your other brother, come up with a plan and present a united front. Starting with finding his own place to live.

Wordthe · 25/01/2019 22:54

I would be very worried that he will just lay on my sofa for the rest of his life
he needs help to help himself but it would appear that he has always been unwilling to help himself?

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/01/2019 23:25

What would happen if you don’t take him in.

Would he end up on the streets

Yearofthemum · 25/01/2019 23:51

Treat him like an adult when he gets to you, and have high expectations of him. His mother's death will have been a rude awakening about the lack of safety net, and I would assume he may be more willing to sort himself out now.

Wordthe · 26/01/2019 00:04

The problem is that it can turn into a game of brinkmanship and it sounds as if he has form for that

AWishYourHeartMakes · 26/01/2019 00:10

It’s hard being 19, even before factoring in losing your mum. If you feel you can welcome him without impacting your own mental health I would give it a try. All with the understanding that he must get a job by x date or find somewhere else to live. Good luck its a hard balance the sibling/semi parent role.

Lisabel · 26/01/2019 00:50

Aw your poor brother- he's only 19- he must be so lost at the moment.

If this was me I would take him in, establish house rules and ensure he was claiming JSA or ESA and could contribute towards shopping etc.

user1457017537 · 26/01/2019 00:59

Ffs people who are saying she can’t afford to feed him she can share her food with him! Ditto her home. I despair I really do. Whatever happened to helping the poor and needy.

BeachtheButler · 26/01/2019 00:59

I wouldn't have him if I were you. Getting him out again may be more difficult than you think (should that become necessary).

BirdieInTheHand · 26/01/2019 15:02

All you saying no way is that what you teach your DC?!

No matter how much my DC fight I reinforce that they are each other's biggest allies and that in future they need to look out for each other. I'd be devastated if one was abandoned by the others.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/01/2019 15:17

I know people who advocate kicking 18 year olds out because they are 18 and adults.

Funny thing is when their children reach 18 they couldn't do it to there own

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/01/2019 15:21

Could the way your mum died have anything to do with the way he is. Did she have an illness before hand.

I know my DC are unsettled as although everything appears fine DP tries to hide any issues and unless you live with him you wouldn't guess anything was wrong.

Even before a family member dies from an "unexpected" heart attack those close could sense something wasn't right for months before

MartaHallard · 26/01/2019 15:39

Ffs people who are saying she can’t afford to feed him she can share her food with him!

So if op currently buys sufficient food to feed herself and three children, that same amount of food will somehow magically become enough to feed op, her children and her brother? If op's children are small, her brother might eat more than all three of them put together.

Leaving aside the knee-jerk emotional reactions, if the young man has always lived where he is living now with his brother, I'm not sure it would be a good idea for him to be completely uprooted to go and live in a strange place where he knows no-one. Better to support him finding a job and somewhere to live independently in his home town, with the help of some of the organisations suggested by pp.

aethelgifu · 26/01/2019 15:46

Ffs people who are saying she can’t afford to feed him she can share her food with him! Ditto her home. I despair I really do. Whatever happened to helping the poor and needy.

FFS, if she's poor and needy herself why not send her a PM and offer to pay for her brother yourself then? She may not have food to share, she's got 3 kids! She may not be able to afford to lose her single occupier council tax discount, his moving in may be a triggering circumstance and cause her to lose tax credits if she's on them and be moved to UC which could plunge her and her kids into poverty and rent arrears, she may already be living in over-crowded conditions. Some people are so poor and needy they cannot afford to take in another adult who's not working and can pay the difference and for their keep.

Is it that hard to understand?

And again, why not PM her and offer to pay for him rather than virtue signalling on the internet and scolding her for not being able to afford to keep an adult until he decides to go to work.

user1457017537 · 26/01/2019 15:52

I think the point is it is her brother, her blood. If you are cooking for four you can always get 5 dinners out of it.

Eggstatic · 26/01/2019 16:23

This is a familiar area to him, he lived here from around the age of 2 or 3 to 12. I was happy here and had my oldest DD by then so I decided to stay but he's been here many times since. Anyway I called him earlier today, we talked it through properly, discussed details. Made it clear he needed to be seriously looking and to try and get an interview, he could come and stay for a few days. If I know he's trying I won't have to worry as much about him not getting a job or not trying to. But he seems to have changed his attitude, look at some jobs whilst we were talking and found some he would apply for. The point of this is to offer him a place stay and a roof over his head whilst he works towards having enough money to be able to afford his own place but I can't force him to so it's about whether he's willing to or not

OP posts:
ADarkandStormyKnight · 26/01/2019 23:45

Good luck, OP. I hope things work out for you and your brother.

feministfairy · 27/01/2019 00:10

Well done OP. I can see the commitment given you have your children as well but hopefully it will help him so much.

Yearofthemum · 27/01/2019 12:57

Well done and good luck.

Drum2018 · 27/01/2019 16:11

Hopefully he will secure a job and then you can give him a timeframe to save for his own place. Or you might end up loving having him around. See how it goes but have a firm plan in place anyway for his sake - so he has something to work towards.

perfectstorm · 27/01/2019 17:00

Honestly, OP, it sounds like he was drifting for a few years before your Mum died. You say how can you persuade him when his mum couldn't - well, you love him and will help him, but you won't be a bottomless pit of understanding and forgiveness in the same way as a mum. So hopefully he'll be more proactive, because he knows his safety net is to some extent reliant on his stepping up now.

I don't think being a bit aimless at this age is unusual, and it may be that a year or two in the workplace, doing a dull job, will stimulate him to want to get back into education. He may even find he does an apprenticeship and enjoys it - plumbers and electricians need to be bright, after all, because the danger of screwups is so great. A sibling of mine dropped out, then after a time of pizza-delivering trained to be an electrician on an apprenticeship, and then went back to uni when he turned 30. Graduated with a 1st in engineering this last year. Life is a long time when you're 19. He's plenty of years ahead to consider what he wants, long term. Right now, he needs to find a way to support himself, and a structure to his life.

Glad you can see your way to helping him, and glad you're being level headed about it, too. It could be just what he needs - love and support from family, with clear expectations and boundaries. It'd be so easy to slump into a horrible depression in his shoes. He's been orphaned as a teenager.

Flowers hope the future is brighter for him, and you. And I'm also aware that your dad must have died when you yourself were very young, given he was a baby at the time. That must have been horrendous, too, and I'm so very sorry.

Littlebighorn · 27/01/2019 21:14

Thank you for your update, I truly hope you all have a better time ahead, and who knows, it could actually be fun having him around, to help out with his nieces/nephews too. I know I love mine when I was his age.

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