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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My brother wants to move in with me

224 replies

Eggstatic · 24/01/2019 20:17

DB is 19 years old, our mum passed away last September, he was living with her at the time and so since then he's been living with our other brother. Though he doesn't have the space and he's stuggling to afford to keep him there as DB doesn't have a job and honestly isn't really trying to find one. He's asked me if he can move in for a while, i feel incredibly sorry for him I really do but I can't really afford it either and I live hours away from the rest of the family. I want to help him but can't be sure he'll really be trying to get a job if he moves here and he's not been very specific on how long he's hoping to stay for. Part of me feels like I should just say yes but I know I need to think this through properly

OP posts:
Sirzy · 24/01/2019 21:55

If worst came to worse and anything happened to you wouldn’t you want your children to stick together and support each other?

Your brother is at a point where he is going to be exceptionally vulnerable. He needs someone to take him under their wing and support him in setting himself up on the right path.

FlawedAmazon · 24/01/2019 21:55

My brother moved in with our younger sister for a 'few months' and was still there 14 years later. Expected her to be his mother and cook and clean for him plus pay the bills too.

I'd think very carefully about it if I were you.

Parisetoile · 24/01/2019 21:56

Yes, have him if you can. As others have said, set ground rules. Tell him you can not afford to keep him, he must get a job, and give him a time frame. This will be reviewed in 4 months time etc...if you get on with him of course. If he's difficult and an impossibility then you can't. But...he does need some support. Give it if if you can.
And sorry for your loss. 🌺🌺🌺

Littlechocola · 24/01/2019 21:57

I’m sorry for your loss op.

I would.

MitziK · 24/01/2019 21:58

Condolences to all of you.

Yes, you should - but in a warm, loving 'Let's get you on your feet' way.

Help him plan what to do and how to get it - a college course, work experience, volunteering, get him used to doing a full part of looking after the home/his own washing/cooking/cleaning, whether or not he did those before (we don't know whether your Mum was sick for a while or whether it was sudden, so he might not know how to do those things).

It sounds like he's feeling lost. Which is understandable. And it makes sense to me that he needs family to guide him in a way that your Mum might have done (or might not), had she not died.

It's still early days for somebody young to 'snap out of it and get a job' - IIRC the job centre doesn't expect somebody to get a job for six months after their parent dies, and they're not the nicest, kindest organisation in the world, after all. It could also be that whilst living with your brother might have been essential at the time, he's missing the warmth of your mum.

He might also need to see the GP to ensure that he doesn't become long term depressed; if he's prepared to move to you, it sounds as though he hasn't got a girlfriend/boyfriend or a group of mates to give him support. Bereavement counselling might help him.

Trouble is, whilst it's a bit of a stereotype, older brothers tend to be more of the doing, getting on with things and not necessarily able to do the showing love that I hope he had from your Mum. He might have been very much still her little boy, especially if he's the youngest by a fair way. (He might also be a bit of a spoiled wotsit, but that doesn't make the loss any less painful).

If he comes to you understanding that you love him and will help him, it would be easier than if he thinks he's just sofa surfing until you get fed up. He's homeless. Renting a houseshare probably feels impossible (and he won't have the credit history, deposit or anything like it to make this achievable right now, in any case).

Give him a home to grow up from.

(ETA: I was fully independent at that age, but that was by choice, not through somebody else's death - and I knew I had places to go if something went wrong, so I wasn't completely alone - even so, I expect that I would have made far better choices, had I made the initial decision to do it with a home and loving support behind me).

HeebieJeebies456 · 24/01/2019 22:05

At 19 I'd ran away to London and moved in with my sibling, within 2 weeks of arriving i found a full time job and then moved into a houseshare.
So there's definitely hope for him.

Mind you i went out looking for part time work when i was 15 and found it so my work ethic is different.
Where is his money for living coming from right now?
Is he at college?
Has he approached his local council's homeless dept or been for advice anywhere else?

I get that he's devastated but he can't afford the luxury of wallowing in his grief - he needs to get proactive about his accommodation and job.

What kind of person is he in general and do you have a good relationship?

AWishForWingsThatWork · 24/01/2019 22:06

If you can, I think you should, as you are clearly older and settled and had more years of emotional and possibly financial and practical support from your family.

Your brother is 19, barely into 'technical' adulthood, and his mom is recently dead. He needs people who love him to step up and help put him on the right path.

Set the ground rules. Job or education or both ... and time limit ... and he has to contribute to the household. He can pay towards his keep , clean up after himself, and pitch in when necessary.

HeebieJeebies456 · 24/01/2019 22:09

Flawed
My brother moved in with our younger sister for a 'few months' and was still there 14 years later. Expected her to be his mother and cook and clean for him plus pay the bills too

Why did she put up with it?! [shocked]
I'd have thrown him out years before!

19CLT92 · 24/01/2019 22:15

My mum passed away when I was 23 and my brother was 16, were both now 18 and 26 and luckily he lived with his dad, it's hard to lose a parent no matter what age, and family is family I beleive you should always try and help, but at the same time you cant put yourself in a sitation where you could get finacial worries. Possibly tell him, you really want to have him move in for a while, but you can't afford the extra bills, if some way he can contribute even if its half of his job centre money and he must get a job. Show you want to help, but put a few rules in to make sure he understands, Its horrible situation but you all have to look after one another. I hope this helps, and you come to an answer. x

Eggstatic · 24/01/2019 22:15

I'm 30 so quite a bit older, I moved out at 17 so we haven't lived together in a long time and for quite a few years we've lived at opposite ends of the country but we've maintained quite a good relationship though we aren't very close. Our mum was sick but not for a long time, it was quite sudden

OP posts:
DontPanic42 · 24/01/2019 22:17

Of course you should! It's really sad that you are even considering not, you are family, when your DCs grow up would you not want them to be there for each other when you can't be? What would your mum want?

FlawedAmazon · 24/01/2019 22:28

My mum had spoiled him HeebieJeebies456 and he expected it. He's an entitled little shit. When my sister was pregnant she needed the room for her baby, and he was so incensed at being asked to find somewhere else to live, he hasn't spoken to her since and hasn't even bothered with my lovely little nephew who's now 4 years old Hmm

MorningCuppa · 24/01/2019 22:32

I would op, he's 19 yes and can get a job but I couldn't say no, not in the circumstances of losing your mother.

MorningCuppa · 24/01/2019 22:33

Maybe if he likes it where you live he could put his name on the council list and if things do go wrong and you need him out at least he would be on the list and may get some help.

Wingedharpy · 24/01/2019 22:33

Realistically OP, what are his job prospects where you live?
Would he be moving from frying pan to fire? - though, anything is better than on the street.
Why has his older brother got fed up of him?
If it's a space issue, fair enough.
If he's getting p*ed daily, you are right to be cautious.

Sorry for your loss.

Jux · 24/01/2019 22:41

No no no no no no no.

waitingforthenextbus · 24/01/2019 22:45

YAbu! 19 and just lost his mum, a young adult who has also lost his home and he’s your BROTHER?? Of course you need to take him in FFS,

Tobermory · 24/01/2019 22:46

What kind of relationship do you have with him? Could you have an open and honest conversation where you explain that you would really like him to. Family and being together to help each other... but these are your concerns. Can he understand your concerns?

AlisonW1982 · 24/01/2019 22:48

I would not agree to this, in 99% of cases this will breakdown the relationship!

You can see the red flags galore!

OP has children
No financial plan for contributing to living costs
No agreed timeline for how long it'll be

I'm sorry but you should not enable him to not be independent, he's an adult. Bereavement or not this will only ever go wrong.

There's a huge difference between (say) a bereaved sibling coming to you and saying "I've got 2 different interviews lined up in your local area, can I stay for 4 weeks while I do them, and sort getting a rental in place once I've heard if the plan's doable? I'll pay X per week to cover costs"..... Vs.... "I want to stay at yours indefinitely but have no employment or accommodation ideas and haven't got cash to pay my way..."

Who on earth would think the latter is a good idea? It simply enables, at a huge mental and financial cost to OP and her DC in the meantime.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/01/2019 22:51

If your mum had been ill for a while, had your brother been looking after her? If she was still alive and well, would he be working or studying? I think there are some very smug, harsh replies on this thread - this is a teenager who has lost his mum; he's not long left full-time education - and 'A job, any job' is a bullshit concept anyway. Lots of jobs are shit and not worth doing - low pay, no security, shitty management.

I would have thought that he would be getting at least JSA if he moved in with you; you're a sibling not a parent so I don't think you're legally oblliged to support him financially. That might go towards feeding him: it would be a good idea to check all that out.

WH1SPERS · 24/01/2019 22:53

Yes of course you should take him in.

Just agree rules from the start, like you woduo with a flat mate.

Spelll out everything eg

Keeps own room tidy ( get a lock on his door )
Does own washing
Rota for cleaning shared areas
Whatever rules you agree about him having friends over / GF overnight / money / looking for job or college etc

It’s easiest to agree all these things upfront rather than let negative patterns become established. If he’s not in education or training, one of the biggest problem with be stopping him sleeping all day and then being on the x box all night while you and the kids try to sleep.

Singlenotsingle · 24/01/2019 22:56

The trouble that once he's there, living with you, it will be so much more difficult to get him out if the arrangement's not working.

Oxytocindeficient · 24/01/2019 23:03

Enables? Enables what? A teenager to grieve and receive support from a sister while he enters adulthood without his mother?

ConkerGame · 24/01/2019 23:08

I can’t believe some of the responses on here. Of course you should help him out - he’s your brother, he’s young and he’s grieving. I wouldn’t need to be asked, I’d be offering!

By all means ask him for rent from benefits, make sure he helps with house chores and push him to apply for jobs etc but you can’t just leave him with nowhere to go!

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 24/01/2019 23:19

For fucks sake where does he live? If it's anywhere near us he can move in, he's 19 , his mum has just died and his family don't want him. What a bunch of heartless bitches there are on this site, no wonder society has problems when people advocate making a grieving brother homeless.

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