Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My brother wants to move in with me

224 replies

Eggstatic · 24/01/2019 20:17

DB is 19 years old, our mum passed away last September, he was living with her at the time and so since then he's been living with our other brother. Though he doesn't have the space and he's stuggling to afford to keep him there as DB doesn't have a job and honestly isn't really trying to find one. He's asked me if he can move in for a while, i feel incredibly sorry for him I really do but I can't really afford it either and I live hours away from the rest of the family. I want to help him but can't be sure he'll really be trying to get a job if he moves here and he's not been very specific on how long he's hoping to stay for. Part of me feels like I should just say yes but I know I need to think this through properly

OP posts:
Dvg · 24/01/2019 20:47

to be honest i would be inviting him to live with him BUT on my terms.. 6 months maximum with a review at the end and in those months he is too find a job and help out with the household chores and if he hasn't then he is out.. i think that's fair.

I would be guiding him in job searching, help him make a CV or point him to the direction of help with job searching/CV making etc etc OR maybe he wants to study? in which case he needs to be responsible in making that happen ..just guide him

SparklyLeprechaun · 24/01/2019 20:49

Yes. Explain to him that you are struggling financially so he'll have to find a job, but you can't turn your back on your brother. He's only 19 and he's lost his mother.

Hushnownobodycares · 24/01/2019 20:51

Clarify whether he will be looking for work (anything will do) and thus contributing and clarify how long he intends to stay.

Sounds like your other brother is bailing out. You don't want to end up being the sucker.

allgoodinthehood · 24/01/2019 20:52

I have a nineteen old ds and really feel for your brother. It has only been four months. Obviously put in some ground rules but show some compassion x

RomanyRoots · 24/01/2019 20:53

I would agree to a trial and after x amount of time he needs to have a job, saving for his own rent and paying his way with you.
I feel sorry for him and you can tell him it's his chance to sort himself out, unfortunately mum has gone and he needs to find his own way now.
So sorry for your loss Thanks

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/01/2019 20:54

Yes I would do it. He needs to find a job definitely. If you just let him move in with no conditions as you know he will doss. Yes it’s shit losing your parent young. I was younger when my dad died. This is compounded with not having a home to go to, which must be awful.

Where’s his father?

Mrsmadevans · 24/01/2019 20:54

I don't think it is a good idea OP for many reasons but mainly because he won't be near his family or his friends and if your Dbro hasn't been able to do anything with him then l doubt very much if you are going to be able to influence him positively. Sorry my dear you have all had it tough losing your Mum so young bless you Flowers

Chloemol · 24/01/2019 20:54

Yes you should support him, that’s what families should do. He’s 19, just lost his mother and needs support. Ok set some ground rules, but what will happen if your brother says he can’t live there will you be prepared for him to be on the streets? What would you want your family to do if you were in that situation? Step up and help him f8nd a job, live with you and support your family

SciFiScream · 24/01/2019 20:56

The three siblings need to agree a plan together. After the death of a parent you'll all be hurting and you need each other.
No one here can really tell you what to do. You must decide for yourselves.

SciFiScream · 24/01/2019 20:56

The three siblings need to agree a plan together. After the death of a parent you'll all be hurting and you need each other.
No one here can really tell you what to do. You must decide for yourselves.

nicoala1 · 24/01/2019 20:57

I've been the provider of a room for a relative in similar circumstances. I think if you can do it at all OP, please try. I am one of life's optimists and hope that if you do this for him, you might also be able to help him (in time) straighten his life out a bit.

If after six months it doesn't look like it's working out, then Plan B....

Which may not be applicable/affordable in your case I don't know.... but I paid the deposit for a room in a house share for my relative. She was ready to go by then, I'd say I am not easy to live with sometimes, but I did my best!

Was mum's house rented? Seems like it was, and your brother was not on the tenancy agreement.

You are all grieving. And I am sorry for your loss.

needmorespace · 24/01/2019 20:58

I actually can't believe some of the hard hearted and cruel comments on here. I have a 19 year old dtr whose father died 3 year ago. She is still affected deeply by it and needs a great deal of support and she didn't lose her home etc.
I cannot believe some of these comments. He needs support and love which is unconditional at the moment.
The poor lad.

perfectstorm · 24/01/2019 20:58

I think you need to talk to the rest of the family about what happens going forward. He's a teenager whose mum has just died, so he does need support, but aimless ricocheting from his siblings' houses, all across the country, isn't going to help him long term. He needs to settle somewhere and start moving forward.

I think he needs to think about what he wants for the future, and where he wants to be in terms of work. Is there much work available, where you live? Are there prospects? And what has he been good at, or done - was your mum ill a while, and did that affect his chances to study etc? Has he qualifications; does he want to go to uni; has he any work history so far? Was he doing the caring for your mum, and has that impeded him? Does he need some help with grief counselling, maybe, and if so is there a charity that can provide it?

The problem with acting on emotion is you can promise more than you can actually cope with delivering, and then the thing breaks down. Honestly, young men without roots are vulnerable in a range of ways, not least homelessness. I think you all need to talk as a family about how best to support him in starting to build a future, and what you can reasonably do to help with that. It's going to be easier to unite to help him, than it will be each taking a turn until you find it gets too much. And it's not going to help him if he is shuttled around you all in turn, instead of starting to create his own adult life, either.

Finally, I'm so sorry for your own loss. Flowers

VioletCharlotte · 24/01/2019 21:02

He's 19 and he's lost his Mum. I really hope my siblings would take my 19 year old DS in if something was to happen to me. 19 is very young. I agree he needs to get a job, but I expect he could do with some support and guidance to help him work out what he wants to do.

Ilovechristmaslights · 24/01/2019 21:02

His Mum has just died, he’s a 19 yo kid. I cannot believe some of these replies. Jesus MN has changed.

Oxytocindeficient · 24/01/2019 21:02

perfectstorm such a good comment with excellent and kind advice. You’re right, it’s important this is worked out properly and that he is well supported.

Eliza9917 · 24/01/2019 21:02

Why wouldn't you have him stay? He's your brother. He's like at his mother, his home, and probably needs help with becoming independent.

Jesus Christ this place is heartless towards family.

Eliza9917 · 24/01/2019 21:02

Lost, not like at

ilmmaiss · 24/01/2019 21:03

Of course I'd take him in. You'll hate yourself if you don't give him a chance. But i'd take him in with a date in mind for him either getting a job and pulling his weight or having found somewhere new, then you both know where you stand. Help him settle down and sort himself out and this will just be a short stay until he gets on his feet. Condolences on the loss of your mother

Aridane · 24/01/2019 21:05

It would be a yes from me

Merryoldgoat · 24/01/2019 21:05

My mum does when I was 19. It was devastating. I had no dad as he left when my mum was pregnant.

My life wasn’t much fun before she died and it would’ve been one hell of a shit show if my family hadn’t looked after me.

I’d have him live with me in a nanosecond. Yes, he needs to find work etc. All of those things. But his mum has been dead for 4 months. I doubt he even knows what day it is.

BirdieInTheHand · 24/01/2019 21:07

I wouldn't hesitate to let my brother stay if he was 29, never mind 19.

I honestly don't know how people could even hesitate Shock

Butterflycookie · 24/01/2019 21:07

He’s only 19 :(. You should let him stay

aethelgifu · 24/01/2019 21:08

What perfectstorm said. And especially because you can't afford it. It really needs to be discussed. But you have to be able to say this? Can you?

aethelgifu · 24/01/2019 21:10

Look it can be done, but you need to be honest if you can't afford it and discuss it beforehand. I'd work to do the same but if I truly couldn't afford it, and there are a lot of people who can't, it needs to be talked about.