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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brother wants to move in with me

224 replies

Eggstatic · 24/01/2019 20:17

DB is 19 years old, our mum passed away last September, he was living with her at the time and so since then he's been living with our other brother. Though he doesn't have the space and he's stuggling to afford to keep him there as DB doesn't have a job and honestly isn't really trying to find one. He's asked me if he can move in for a while, i feel incredibly sorry for him I really do but I can't really afford it either and I live hours away from the rest of the family. I want to help him but can't be sure he'll really be trying to get a job if he moves here and he's not been very specific on how long he's hoping to stay for. Part of me feels like I should just say yes but I know I need to think this through properly

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 24/01/2019 21:10

Nineteen is very young to lose his mum. I am sure is has been a huge loss for you all.

I would move heaven and earth to help my siblings. He maybe needs some counselling and bit of a nudge towards starting his adult life. But he’s very young and still needs his family.

I would let him move in, then try to encourage him to either get some more qualifications or get a job. Explain the financial reality of your situation - he is old enough to know life is expensive and he has to contribute.

I am so sorry for your loss

Drum2018 · 24/01/2019 21:12

Do you have space? Are you living alone or are there others in your house who need to be factored in? If you have space and agreement from any others you may live with then I'd allow it on the condition that he's not a freeloader. He'd have to pay his way. He'd have to do his own cooking, washing etc and not expect that you will be taking over the role of your mum in his life. It's a tough time for all of you. A family meeting might be an idea to sit down and talk it through. It may be worse for him to move away from friends and other family members but obviously your other brother can't continue to put him up.

Littlebighorn · 24/01/2019 21:12

Why are asking strangers and not your family or friends?

hmmwhatatodo · 24/01/2019 21:13

Very sad to read some of the awful suggestions here. I expect he will be quite affected by the fact that his own brother and sister are not overly keen on helping him.

LanaorAna2 · 24/01/2019 21:15

yes, but agree a leaving date before he sets foot over the threshold.

You can cancel it when he gets a job.

mobyduck · 24/01/2019 21:16

No, no , no.
My BIL stayed with us while his partner looked for a house to buy. The first few weeks were fine (my wife kept saying, just another week), after 3 months I got drunk and told him to fuck off. We still don't speak.
It is the small things- they have the TV remote and are watching something when you want to surf the channels, they are in the bathroom just as you want to go,etc.

Haffdonga · 24/01/2019 21:21

yes yes yes

Charge rent (whether or not he's working), set a time limit and set very strict house rules but he needs you right now.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers.

Oxytocindeficient · 24/01/2019 21:22

Ummm Moby, this is completely different. He’s young and his mum died. Wow.

SaveKevin · 24/01/2019 21:22

Absolutely. I was at school with someone who lost his mum and dad at 18. He was so lost, bounced from relative to relative. Never had a home, never had that unconditional support and feeling of being settled. Was just always lost and waiting with a bag half packed.
I don’t know what happened to him, I really hope he found his feet and grounding.

Give him empathy, love, space and a home. Treat him as an adult with regards to the finances, let’s face it sharing finances with you is going to be cheaper then going it alone.

smargolis · 24/01/2019 21:23

Oh, yes! Definitely. He would need to help with the chores, of course, but, if you can afford it, why not help him find out what to do with his life in the next months? Part-time work would be good but he could also study. You can be clear with your expectations, make sure he knows you don't appreciate someone just lazying around. He might still need some guidance on that and it's not good if people go all judgemental on him. Give him the chance to start from scratch, without being labeled a potential sponger, I think. ground rules from the beginning but also a clear signal he can count on you. If I could afford it, if I had the space, I would let my brother stay for free for about six months to one year... but, yes, making sure he's either studying hard or looking for work. He might be in that stage when he still needs a bit of support so he can blossom. My husband's brother was a bit immature for his age, didn't want to study... was just living the life, spending his money from jobs here and there.. Then he decided to study when he was about 24. Programming. We lent him the money for the university fees for two years and he complemented the rest. Guess what? He earns about 3 times what we earn as a couple today! At that time, it did feel we could be throwing money away. But he doesn't know that. I do think people live up to the expectations you present them with. Let them be high!! Good luck to you and your brother. Sorry for your loss...

Oxytocindeficient · 24/01/2019 21:23

’ can’t continue to put up with him’

Why are people being so insensitive to this young boy? I mean, really. What are family for if not this?

notangelinajolie · 24/01/2019 21:23

He is 19 and his mum has just died. You and your brother are all he has and neither of you wants him. I find that really sad.

NotTerfNorCis · 24/01/2019 21:28

I would help him. Where's he going to go if he doesn't have any money? He's not a mature adult yet and he hasn't got much life experience. If you don't help him things might not go well for him. (Of course they might - but it's a gamble.)

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 24/01/2019 21:31

I find mumsnet strange at times - the idea that young people once they turn 18 should be treated like fully fledged grownups; capable of making their own way in the world. This young man is barely out of childhood and has lost his mum. Of course he’s lost and lonely and not making much of a contribution at the moment.

I’d have him come to life with you if you possibly can. Set some ground rules and a timeframe if you need to. But don’t turn him away unless there really is no other choice.

NutElla5x · 24/01/2019 21:32

My heart is breaking for your brother. At 19 he is little more than a kid and he needs you right now. Explain to him that you are struggling a bit financially. so will need help with the bills etc once he gets back on the feet,but in the meantime you are happy to have him because you love him. I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

OnlyaMan · 24/01/2019 21:33

I would but on strict conditions, he has to get a job BEFORE he moves in, any job, pub, supermarket, McDonald's anything. And he has to contribute.
Now THAT'S a good idea. A job BEFORE he moves in! I wish I had thought of that myself-that idea should be widely disseminated.
In circumstances like these, a promise to look for/get a job may not work out, and lead to family rifts much worse than an outright refusal from the outset. It seems to me sensible from everyone's point of view, including the unfortunate brother, that he should "lift his eyes" and try to move on.
I would add, if the job ends prematurely, then a sort of "Ten Day Clock" should start until the next job.
Sensible for him, for the OP.

Original poster
Eggstatic · 24/01/2019 21:35

I have 3 DC but they wouldn't have a problem with it. I do want to help him, I'm only hesitating as there's the chance it could go wrong, if he doesn't find a job, I don't want to have to basically kick him out

OP posts:
MorningsEleven · 24/01/2019 21:38

I agree with PPs who say let him come but give him a deadline to get a job, make sure you're very strict about house rules and how you expect him to behave.

SandAndSea · 24/01/2019 21:39

So sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers

I would take him with a strict agreement in place. Or, I would help him find somewhere else, whilst liaising with other family members. He's very young and he's just lost his mum; I think the family should be rallying round to help each other.

Kahlua4me · 24/01/2019 21:39

I would help him if I was you too. He is too young to have lost his mum and without any work or money where will he go?

Perhaps have a long talk with him and explain that you love him and want him to live with you but there needs to be conditions, such as a job, training, career plan etc.

He has probably lost his way at the moment with losing your mum so need some love and kindness to help him on the right path.

By helping him you will also be helping yourself and your grief as you will be doing what your mum would want you to. My mum died a few years ago and I wouldn’t have coped with the grief without the love and support from my brother.

feministfairy · 24/01/2019 21:41

Excellent post from perfectstorm upthread. Practical, caring and compassionate. He does need some help and if all of you talk and plan to help him as suggested, it could help all of you as you deal with your grief. Flowers

itbemay1 · 24/01/2019 21:42

I would say yes. 19 is still young and it's only been 4 months since death of DM.

hawleybits · 24/01/2019 21:45

I would want to offer my sibling a home. He's still young and losing his mum, who had cared for him, will take some adjustment. My own DS is 18 and I know how he would struggle with this sad situation.

Smile19 · 24/01/2019 21:46

We had my BIL with us for a year when he was poorly and unable to work. We then had my brother for about 18m as he fell on hard times. In addition to that we let a room to friends who came back from travelling, as their parents had relocated so they didn't have somewhere local to stay. They were meant to be with us a year...they were with us 3 (they are very close friends, DH's bestie who married one of my school friends). We then moved house had 2 babies and my sister then needed somewhere to stay (with bf in tow) and guess what? We had them for 2 years - she moved in on the day we completed (!)

We have never had big houses, but what we've had we've shared when it was needed. We wouldn't now as we actually have downsized to a very small 3 bed and have 3 children so there is no more space and it's not the right time in our children's lives to share, but I would again if needed in the future.

My point really is YES I would have my 19 year old (or any age...) brother in your circumstance from the information you've given. I think you all need to work together as a family to support each other at this very difficult time. I'd help him get on his feet for sure and I personally wouldn't put a time limit on. The only reason we've asked people to move out is for others more in need. For example friends had to move out for my brother. BIL had to move out when we had our 1st baby (and he'd recovered and was back at work).

Good luck to all of you. Take care.

Lollypop701 · 24/01/2019 21:51

How old are you op? It’s very easy to say have him to stay but unfortunately he may need to stand on his own 2 feet. This is hard but you are not his parent and have 3 children. it may be that you cannot financially support him and he cannot expect that if it’s not going to happen. It’s awful he has to grow up so fast, and my sympathies to you all

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