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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brother wants to move in with me

224 replies

Eggstatic · 24/01/2019 20:17

DB is 19 years old, our mum passed away last September, he was living with her at the time and so since then he's been living with our other brother. Though he doesn't have the space and he's stuggling to afford to keep him there as DB doesn't have a job and honestly isn't really trying to find one. He's asked me if he can move in for a while, i feel incredibly sorry for him I really do but I can't really afford it either and I live hours away from the rest of the family. I want to help him but can't be sure he'll really be trying to get a job if he moves here and he's not been very specific on how long he's hoping to stay for. Part of me feels like I should just say yes but I know I need to think this through properly

OP posts:
SaveKevin · 25/01/2019 10:41

Are you aware of how little support and benefits he’s actually entitled to being a young single man?
Whilst that clearly doesn’t mean you should put up with any old shit from him. But look into it and realise just what his life will be if you don’t step up.

ShodAndShadySenators · 25/01/2019 10:56

It's very difficult to say as the OP hasn't really given a lot of detail about her brother. It's concerning that he's not looking for work, but he might just need some processing time after the loss of his mother. We still don't know about his father but he's probably not in the picture.

I had my brother to stay in my house in a heartbeat, but the circumstances were not the same as my DB was not bereaved, employed (and always has been) and also shit-hot round the house, doing washing, cooking, cleaning and tidying. And we got on OK. He had asked to stay "for a bit" and he did stay only for "a bit" - I quite missed him when he moved out! But unlike OP we had grown up together, I knew what my brother is like to live with, and that does make a difference.

I would say yes but with conditions. As in perfectstorm's excellent post

Littlebighorn · 25/01/2019 10:57

This reply has been deleted

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RiverTam · 25/01/2019 10:59

Little I'm sorry for your experience here but I think that an awful post to write on this thread - you are implying that if the OP doesn't take her brother in he might commit suicide.

I think you should ask to have that post removed and take your beef with individual posters off this thread.

Parsleyisntfood · 25/01/2019 11:23

My dad died when I was 19. Different circumstances because my mum was alive. But I had to move in with my mum while he was sick. Did your brother have caring responsiblities for your mum? That fucks you up. And none of his friends will be able to support him with that.
I wanted at family connection at this point. Yes he needs to get a job or into education. He needs to sign on in the first instance. But so do thousands of people it’s not insurmountable.
Interestingly I didn’t get a lot of support from my mother when my dad was dying and then when he died (more than just her own grief) now my granny is beginning to go downhill she’s looking to me for support because it’s harder to be the one at home watching the decay and that trotting of to work.

badirene · 25/01/2019 11:37

OP I am sorry for the loss of your mum, I extend my sympathies to you and your family and hope you have support at this time too.

As for your brother I think before you say yes or no to him a few things will need to be put in order;

-Why is he leaving your other brothers home? Being kicked out due to behaviour or just feels his will fare better in your home?
-Does he have a solid plan for what he would like to do going forward, college, training or job prospects? An actual plan, as in he has followed up support/info rather than a vague notion of being or doing something.
-How long can you afford to provide for him financially, as realistically it will take time to get himself into training, or a job, can your family take the financial impact of that time supporting him.
-How will him moving in affect the rest of your household? Will he have his own room or will he be sharing with one your DC, or will the DC now share a room to provide space for your DB?
-What is his plan to contribute to your household if he does move in? Helping with childcare, school run, cooking, cleaning, whatever. You do not want a situation where he moves in and acts like another child that you have to care for.
-Is he willing to follow house rules, no parties, drinking or friends around at all hours, basically any behaviours that causes disruption to the routine you have for DC.
-Is there an older relative like aunt, uncle, grandparents that can provide guidance to him, someone that can have a firm talk if needed?

I think before you make any type of decision that you and both DB need to meet and discuss all these things before going forward, it is easy to say "of course move in" but without boundaries and a plan to set him on a solid path for the future it could do more harm than good and I type that as someone who lost their mother at 12 with no dad around and had to move about from relation to relation until old enough to live on my own, it was a horrible time having no real place to call home, no certainty and I felt very unloved and unwanted. Looking back what I needed was someone to have boundaries and be firm so I knew what was expected of me and that I could rely on someone. Being left to float about was harmful to me.

I wish you all the very best.

Screamish · 25/01/2019 11:57

Fucking hell, do any of you smug "oooh no way, he is an adult" posters know any 19 year olds or how hard it is for young people out there these days?

I have a nearly 19 year old son, he is away at uni and fending for himself but he always has us as a safety net. The thought of him being motherless and adrift breaks my heart.

This lad lost his mum a few short months ago, have a bit of compassion guys!

Screamish · 25/01/2019 11:58

OP I hope it all works out for you both whatever you decide, sorry for your loss Flowers

RiverTam · 25/01/2019 12:02

screamish yes, that is true - but the OP and their brother have also lost their mum - but they don't get to put their lives on hold. If this young man had a job he would be expected to be back at work by now.

It is possible to be compassionate and supportive whilst also saying that life goes on.

Wordthe · 25/01/2019 12:13

He needs support, he needs a safety net, he needs an anchor
Someone who will be a constant steady presence, who will be there for him, who will give him unconditional positive regard

RiverTam · 25/01/2019 12:16

and in the real world, he also needs a job. Because neither of his grieving siblings can afford to take in an adult who can't pay their way.

Oxytocindeficient · 25/01/2019 12:22

He’s barely an adult. Of course he eventually needs a job, but as others have said, that’s no simple thing these days. Also, screamish was directing it at people who were not being compassionate at all. Not the people saying, help him to get work, that’s sensible and necessary. It’s the people saying don’t take him in or he’s a deadbeat that I think are being called out.

Wordthe · 25/01/2019 12:23

Yes definitely, he needs support from people but he also needs those people to not let him take the piss

Eliza9917 · 25/01/2019 12:24

RiverTam Fri 25-Jan-19 12:02:46
screamish yes, that is true - but the OP and their brother have also lost their mum - but they don't get to put their lives on hold. If this young man had a job he would be expected to be back at work by now.

HIS life as an adult hasn't started. He needs help to get it on track.

Screamish · 25/01/2019 12:29

Of course he needs a job too, I'm not disputing that at all!

PostNotInHaste · 25/01/2019 12:35

Shame this in in AIBU really as it attracts some of the utter wankers who inhabit that section and come on to be awkward and controversial at any opportunity .

OP it might be worth reposting this in Relationships and I suspect the time will be much more constructive and supportive and help you think through your situation.

aethelgifu · 25/01/2019 12:39

I'd like to ask all those who suggest she takes him in and gives him 'six months' or 'a year' how you think the OP should pay to keep him when she has already stated she cannot afford to!

She has said she can't afford to keep him!

It's all well and good, he's had a rough time but how do you suggest she magics up the money to provide for another adult when she's already got to support herself and her own kids?

aethelgifu · 25/01/2019 12:41

Orphaned young man chucked into the streets after his mother dies etc

Again, how do you suggest the OP magic up the money to keep him? She can't afford it!

Northernparent68 · 25/01/2019 12:45

This is the single most aggressive heartless thread I have ever read.

RiverTam · 25/01/2019 12:45

rubbish

Eliza9917 · 25/01/2019 13:01

aethelgifu Fri 25-Jan-19 12:39:23
I'd like to ask all those who suggest she takes him in and gives him 'six months' or 'a year' how you think the OP should pay to keep him when she has already stated she cannot afford to!

She has said she can't afford to keep him!

It's all well and good, he's had a rough time but how do you suggest she magics up the money to provide for another adult when she's already got to support herself and her own kids?

How much extra is it realistically going to cost here to have him there? All she needs to do is stretch out meals to include one more. He can sign on as soon as he gets there and contribute out of that while he looks for a job.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 25/01/2019 13:03

Maybe big brother could help with the cost until benefits/wages kick in?

WofflingOn · 25/01/2019 13:08

I can’t imagine asking the question,and neither can any of my siblings. Our children range from 6 to 28, and there’d always be a place for any of them in any of our homes. To refuse would be unthinkable. His keep could be minimal; food, laundry and not much else.

EngagedAgain · 25/01/2019 13:08

He would be able to get even the basic of benefits which will cover his food, which would be his biggest expense and the extra water. The OP shouldn't quite rightly cover his expenses, and I doubt she would have to.

EngagedAgain · 25/01/2019 13:14

Eliza, yes I see you pointed that out already. He can sign on when he gets there. My feeling is he will get work and get on. If he don't, at least OP can say she tried. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet sure, but I feel for his family to cut him out now will be bad for him.

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