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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brother wants to move in with me

224 replies

Eggstatic · 24/01/2019 20:17

DB is 19 years old, our mum passed away last September, he was living with her at the time and so since then he's been living with our other brother. Though he doesn't have the space and he's stuggling to afford to keep him there as DB doesn't have a job and honestly isn't really trying to find one. He's asked me if he can move in for a while, i feel incredibly sorry for him I really do but I can't really afford it either and I live hours away from the rest of the family. I want to help him but can't be sure he'll really be trying to get a job if he moves here and he's not been very specific on how long he's hoping to stay for. Part of me feels like I should just say yes but I know I need to think this through properly

OP posts:
Newsername · 24/01/2019 23:30

I don’t understand how a sibling would turn another away, of course unless they had drug problems or were a danger to their kids. Thinking of money and asking an online forum before using your fucking brain to give your brother emotional support and help to find a job/get on his feet, is quite frankly disgusting.

happytits2019 · 24/01/2019 23:32

Yes of course, he may need some guidance and support in finding motivation.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 24/01/2019 23:43

19 years old lost his mum and his home 4 months ago and his siblings dont want him. Jeez if my kids ever behave like that I will come back and haunt the buggers. The lack of compassion and empathy on MN astounds me.

mobyduck · 25/01/2019 01:44

19 years old lost his mum and his home 4 months ago and his siblings dont want him. Jeez if my kids ever behave like that I will come back and haunt the buggers. The lack of compassion and empathy on MN astounds me
He sounds like a NEET deadbeat who will stay forever. You have him.

TheCounter · 25/01/2019 04:18

If the streets are his only alternative it wouldn't even be something I'd have to consider.
He would be looking for a job tho...
and be expected to look for a more permanent arrangement in the medium term when financially secure.

treaclesoda · 25/01/2019 04:38

He sounds like a NEET deadbeat who will stay forever. You have him.

He sounds like a very young man who is reeling from having lost his mother. It's pretty common for people to go through a bad patch when they lose a parent so young. It doesn't mean they'll never work in their lives, it means they're struggling.

There's a far higher chance of him ending up permanently unemployed and struggling if he finds himself homeless at 19.

tryinganewname · 25/01/2019 04:56

He is a 19 year old who's lost his mother.. of course you should let him come. Yes, he should be looking for a job but he's probably dealing with a lot of issues and won't have much headspace for job hunting.

Give him ground rules, help him look for a job (or a college course/apprenticeship/further training) and give the poor boy some stability. Is he entitled to any benefits that would help with cost?

My dad lost both his parents within a year at 19, if his older brothers and sisters hadn't been there to help him out, who knows what would have happened.

user1457017537 · 25/01/2019 05:06

Of course you should help your bro.

He has asked for your help, help him!
All these people who lack the slightest bit of compassion for him losing his mum and his home 4 months ago. Beggars belief!

BeardedMum · 25/01/2019 05:07

19 is very young. You need to support him.

EngagedAgain · 25/01/2019 05:21

Not rtft but I think you will regret it if you don't do it. At least give him a chance. If he messes up that be his fault. As I not rtft I will assume he's generally decent, which at least won't cause you any problems as such. Presumably you mean September just gone? So it's only been a few months, that's no time at all. Have you still got your father? You have a future as a family together and doing something like this will cement your relationships. Also, you never know one day you might need his help. Encourage him to get a job, even part time to start with, and give him time. I'd give it up to a year goal so to speak, to work towards him settled in a full time job first then his own place.

flumpybear · 25/01/2019 06:24

Yes, of course, but put boundaries and rules in place he needs a job, he can stay til he finds one and sorts out a deposit - set timelines and goals for him

He needs this for his life .... using the phrase that fits this situation, don't do what your other brother has done and just give him a fish, give him the fishing rod he needs to get on in his life by himself and stop trying on others

But he's only 19 he needs this support and shove towards a goal -- that's really helping him

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/01/2019 06:39

Poor lad . 19 is too
Young to lose a Mother

I would grit my teeth and take him
BUT with conditions attached

He gets bereavement counselling if he is struggling
You write up house rules , you are not his mother Sad he needs to support the household
He provides plans for his gainful employment
He gets some
Mentors

I am assuming your mother didn’t leave much behind financially to support him

Sorry OP Flowers it’s not just the loss it's the mess it leaves behind

Iused2BanOptimist · 25/01/2019 07:22

Like others I'm shocked at the lack of compassion here.
What do you think your mother would want OP? I think she'd want you to step up and help in her absence. He needs time to grieve and adjust. There is lots you could do to help. And you could consider it a chance to get to know your brother better and be close and for your children to have an uncle. You can play on that and get him to do a bit of babysitting. Wink

Regarding jobs you don't say if he has passed any exams or has any talents or interests.
The army or other forces could be a possibility, many young men like him get a stability and family they don't get elsewhere and learn a trade at the same time.
My hospital offers apprenticeships in a range of areas such as IT or the path labs or the estate so there might be something to interest him there. Working in a hospital also has a sense of community and stability that he might find helpful. If he is a kind sort even while he is regrouping and thinking about things volunteering at his hospital with the Friends could be useful for him. I often see local teens doing the tea round, usually the ones that want to go into medicine or nursing , it's good for the cv, there's more to it than you may think - keeping the right side of the nurses, not giving a drink to a nil by mouth patient etc.
Again, a sense of community.
Also there are mentoring organisations that he might be able to access. Things like the Prince's trust.

Fowles94 · 25/01/2019 07:25

I would have to say yes as he must be slightly vulnerable atm and needs the support.

AJPTaylor · 25/01/2019 07:26

He is indeed a NEET. However, as someone who uses to run intervention courses to help NEET s get back on course I can say that having family looking to support is helpful in most cases.
Think of what your mum would want. Go speak to your local college

Iused2BanOptimist · 25/01/2019 07:28

Look on it as a opportunity, this is a life lesson for him your own DC. What would you want or expect them to do if something happened to you?

SlowDown76mph · 25/01/2019 07:32

Do you hate him?

It may go pear-shaped. It may not. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow.

TwoGinScentedTears · 25/01/2019 07:34

19? It's still so young. He's lost his mum and his home. And his normal life.

Poor lad. Could you have him on an au pair type basis until he's sorted?

It may take him some time to adjust to everything, so frank discussions about the medium term future wouldn't be unreasonable.

What are his alternatives?

averythinline · 25/01/2019 07:37

What were his plans before? was he at college school doing qualifications? did he help around the house ? how self sufficient is he
if you are long way away how will he stay in contact with his friends -

I think compassion may make you jump in and if its just you then that maybe what you would do....however with 3 dc you need to be practical - what does your dp/dh think or is it just you?
its a big change having another adult in the house- especially as you havent lived with him as an adult
you also need to work out finances ...
I would suggest you all meet up before and talk about what it is he wants to do ......at 19 he has lots of options but it can be tricky being forced to make big decisions if you havent been before .. having a plan and clear expectations all around may help - he owns his future - you can help in many ways even if its not with somewhere to live....

Bluntness100 · 25/01/2019 07:38

This is so tough for him, it's not just he has recently lost his mother, he's also lost his home and is now having to move away from everything he knows, so I'm sure he wouldn't be asking if he didn't need to.

In this instance I'd take him in.

PostNotInHaste · 25/01/2019 07:41

I have a 20 year old. They are still finding their way in the world at this point and a lot need substantial amounts of emotional support still. I’d absolutely take him in. Organise bereavement counselling, see what benefits are available and get him to a careers advisor to think long term about his future when he feels able.

It won’t be a quick process and will be tough, work with your older brother on this. The right help and support at this point in time could make such a big difference to the direction his life goes. You can’t do this on your own though, build a support network. Will be great practice for when your own DC are teens, you never know when it goes pear shaped and I have seen some children from very stable families go horribly off the rails. The one who lost her Dad age 11 and never got any real support is now aged 20 suffering so badly with anxiety she is barely able to leave the house.

Really sorry about your Mum, what an incredibly tough time for you all Flowers

Hwory · 25/01/2019 07:51

@BeatNickBeamer yeah because £11.58 would stretch to bus fares and food 🙄

WontShareMyAuPair · 25/01/2019 08:02

I'd go on the side of letting him, but with conditions attached. Explain to him that you'd love to have him stay with you, but finances are tight and you'd need money for extra council tax, bills, foods, etc - whether these come from work or benefits it doesn't matter he needs to contribute.

Talk to him about why he wants to move. Is it that db1 has asked him to leave and he's feeling like going half way across the country (away from all his friends and support network) is what he truly wants to do or is he asking because he's scared hell have no where else to go. If he actually wants to stay near his friends could you help to facilitate this?

Talk to him about your house rules - if you have young DC I imagine it will cause problems if he stumbles home late on a Friday night and wakes everyone up, or wants to play loud music

anotherdaygoesby · 25/01/2019 08:02

I wouldn't hesitate to say yes. He's a teenager that's just lost his mum. 19 is a difficult age emotionally as it is, he must feel totally lost and alone.

I would be massively disappointed if my children didn't look out for each.

Holidayshopping · 25/01/2019 08:14

Feeding another adult when you can’t afford it will cause stress, as your other brother has found out.

I would invite him up for a weekend to discuss matters. Things like

Where he could sleep
What job he would do
How he would pay to get back to visit his friends
How he works pay for food/bills

If there are no sensible answers and you reckon he just wants to play computer games all night in your lounge whilst eating your food, then I couldn’t agree.