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Original poster

My brother wants to move in with me

224 replies

Eggstatic · 24/01/2019 20:17

DB is 19 years old, our mum passed away last September, he was living with her at the time and so since then he's been living with our other brother. Though he doesn't have the space and he's stuggling to afford to keep him there as DB doesn't have a job and honestly isn't really trying to find one. He's asked me if he can move in for a while, i feel incredibly sorry for him I really do but I can't really afford it either and I live hours away from the rest of the family. I want to help him but can't be sure he'll really be trying to get a job if he moves here and he's not been very specific on how long he's hoping to stay for. Part of me feels like I should just say yes but I know I need to think this through properly

OP posts:
aethelgifu · 25/01/2019 08:17

see what benefits are available and get him

Universal Credit is what's available to him and they will expect him to be available for work and spend a lot of time looking for work so that might be a good thing for him because the OP has said she can't afford to keep him.

aethelgifu · 25/01/2019 08:20

Feeding another adult when you can’t afford it will cause stress, as your other brother has found out.

This. A lot of people on MN are pretty clueless about this, too, and genuinely do not understand that plenty of people really cannot afford to do this. It's all well and good saying 'I'd do it in a second, not even give it another thought!' but quite another when you're already on the breadline and have to watch every penny.

Also the whole 'set firm ground rules'. It's really hard to throw someone out once they're in your home.

So I'd have a lot of discussion first.

Yes, he's a teen and just lost his mum, but you can't magic up money where there is none.

Dillydallyingthrough · 25/01/2019 08:46

I would do it Op but encourage bereavement counselling. I genuinely understand what it's like to be on the breadline but he would be able to claim benefits. Just explain that you are struggling financially and would need some board, help with food costs, etc. He's 19 -my sibling was 22 until she sorted herself out, thank God my parents supported her, she now has a very successful career. Not everyone knows what they want at 18.

This thread's terrified me as single parent. My DD is an only child, I would hope that if something happened to me, my siblings would take her in as we have arranged.

MadameGerbil · 25/01/2019 08:57

Yes give it 6 months then review. Maybe try to get him involved in a National Citizen Service (NCS) local project if he is eligible to help him make friends, provide third party support for his situation and engage in local projects to find out what he might want to do in the future. Several of my relatives helped me out as a troubled.teen, i,'m now doing pretty well and return ing the favour now they are elderly by helping them out.

SewingBeesDontSting · 25/01/2019 09:06

Imagine if it was one of your children and their siblings were having this discussion?

I'd definitely take my brother in in similar circumstances. My dad died when I was 19 but I still had my mum and she was wonderful. I was the youngest and I can't imagine any of my older siblings not taking me in if I needed them to. In fact, when I split up with my ex, they were wonderfully supportive and had me visit each of them to cheer me up.

mobyduck · 25/01/2019 09:16

Take him but make it clear it is only for 12 months so he can get on his feet.

angieloumc · 25/01/2019 09:28

Wow some nasty people with no empathy on this thread particularly the poster who called the young man a 'deadbeat'!
I have a 21yo DS away at uni and a 14yo DD. I would find it pretty shocking if (obviously I wouldn't be here but you know what I mean) if their older DBS (30 and 28) wouldn't open their homes to them if anything happened to me.
I think you should help your DB OP. Though do lay down some ground rules. I am very sorry for all of you for your loss.,

Haworthia · 25/01/2019 09:31

Poor kid.

Eliza9917 · 25/01/2019 09:36

What do you think you'll do @Eggstatic?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 25/01/2019 09:37

Good god, what a sad indictment of society some of you are.

Yearofthemum · 25/01/2019 09:54

Yes, there are some really nasty people on this thread. I'd take him in too, but support him to come to terms with your mum's death and get on his feet.

I know someone who lost a parent at this age, and they were very lost that first year, failing exams etc. That person is now extremely successful, more than many of us.

crimsonlake · 25/01/2019 09:56

Please help him, sorry for your loss , but your poor brother is only 19 years old and has yet to make his way in the world. Please take him in he must feel so alone and lost right now.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 25/01/2019 10:08

Some of the attitudes on this thread truly horrify me. If you are able in any way to help him I hope you can.

Yes at the moment he is a 19 year old NEET but he is also a teenager who lost his mum unexpectedly 20 weeks ago and his whole world has been turned upside down.

I know in the past many young men his age married, had families and even went to war but society has dramatically changed along with the realisation of medical fact that young adults aren't fully matured mentally until their early 20's (even the prison system recognises this). As such we live in a time where we now treat young adults differently, some people may even say we infantilize young people too much but this is not his personal fault it is just how our society in this country has evolved.

This young man needs love, support and firm guidance. His current situation is not sustainable but with help and direction he can make changes that will hopefully set him up to lead a successful, productive life. He is at a critical stage in his life where he may either sink of swim.

Along with a roof over his head I would also recommend that he is offered the chance to access grief counseling if he wants it.

Clear boundaries need to be set with a understanding of what your expectations are. Whether he chooses to re enter education or get a job he needs to realise that some financial contribution is needed for practical reasons. He needs to temporarily seek benefits so he is able to help pay his way but we all know even this will take time initially.

It may take him a few months to get sorted but with your support he will find this immeasurably easier. If he wishes to go back into education this may not be possible until September so he will need to actively seek employment until then.

If he is unwilling to seek education or employment then he needs to be made aware that this is unacceptable long term and only offer your home on a fixed short term basis. Tell him that you love him and will help him get back on his feet but it will require effort and determination from him and a promise that your home and family will be respected. He has reached out to you and how you respond could quite literally shape his future.

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx · 25/01/2019 10:10

He needs to grow up

Sirzy · 25/01/2019 10:17

And throwing him out to fend for himself is great way for him to grow up isn’t it Hmm

Maverick66 · 25/01/2019 10:19

I would absolutely let him move in.
I would give him all the help I could with regard to helping him get on his feet, finding a job, finding his own place.
He is 19 and has a lot of growing up still to do.

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx · 25/01/2019 10:22

@Sirzy the OP said he has not got a job and is not bothering to look for one... If he doesn't want to be on the street then he needs to get off his backside and find work!

ADarkandStormyKnight · 25/01/2019 10:24

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx you are all heart. Hmm.

Oxytocindeficient · 25/01/2019 10:25

He needs to grow up

That is such a mean and frankly, stupid thing to say. He’s 19. His mother just died. What the hell is wrong with people?

shartsi · 25/01/2019 10:25

I pray my children will always look out for each other when I am dead. If you're own siblings can't share the little they have with you, why would strangers? I would take my brother in and adjust my outgoings to make provision for him while supporting him in finding work or education.

Oxytocindeficient · 25/01/2019 10:26

If he doesn't want to be on the street then he needs to get off his backside and find work!

You might want to consider that the streets are full of men with mental illness, often veterans or those deserted by their family when they’ve gone through trauma. You’re truly being nasty now. Please go away

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/01/2019 10:27

The responses here are Dickensian

Orphaned young man chucked into the streets after his mother dies etc

Oxytocindeficient · 25/01/2019 10:29

Yup. And we wonder why our streets are full of homeless sad people. Show some compassion ffs

Wordthe · 25/01/2019 10:32

I think in your shoes I would do whatever I could to be kind and supportive but I would try and make sure that it didn't cross over into enabling him or stopping him from standing on his own two feet

RiverTam · 25/01/2019 10:38

Yes, his mum has recently died (she was the OP's mum too, let's not forget) but life goes on, you can't just go on 'pause' but expect everyone else to crack on.

I would say 'yes' but with some very firm provisos - he must be actively looking for work and he must help around the house - more so while he's not working. So he can do some babysitting etc. He must contribute to the household in one way or another, he can't just treat it like a doss house.

And put a timeframe around revisiting it - 6 months or a year.

If you do this, though, you must also respect that your home is now his home too, and as such, he gets a say.

What does your DH?P think?