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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable about childcare?

166 replies

lilyboleyn · 22/01/2019 20:09

Mondays and Wednesdays my husband has the kids (3 and 1) until lunch time when he goes to work, and my mum takes over the childcare. I leave for work at 7.15am and am home about 5.30.
Husband has just informed me he’s working 2.5-3 hours away tomorrow so he’s leaving at the crack of dawn to get there.
I reminded him he has the baby tomorrow until lunchtime (big one is at nursery).
He is planning on taking the baby in the car to the far-away city, dropping the baby at his sisters (she lives in said city), doing the work and then presumably bringing the baby back at stupid-o-clock. From somewhere 2.5-3 hours away on a good day.

Apparently I am unreasonable in objecting to this madcap plan. It’s not his fault he doesn’t work in the same place all the time.

My view is this plan is not in the best interests of the baby, it’s appalling notice on his part (again) and it’s all a bit feckless actually.

Presumably we can ask my mom to look after the baby all day, though she won’t be best pleased as she had plans for the morning.

Please advise, Mumsnet jury. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
starabara · 22/01/2019 20:11

I think YABU here.....

He is responsible for child care. He has organised it, and found a solution....no?

formerbabe · 22/01/2019 20:12

He's made a plan...I can't see the issue with it?

starabara · 22/01/2019 20:12

And I don’t quite understand how it’s “feckless”? He’s leaving babu with a family member...

Though I do see how more notice and less travelling would be ideal.

Longdistance · 22/01/2019 20:14

YABU. Leave him to it.

He’s at least put a plan in place and didn’t just say it’s all up to you.

KentUnicorn · 22/01/2019 20:14

I think YANBU. That's not fair for the baby to have to spend 6 hours in the car. I would be annoyed with him and ask my mum to do a favour and have the baby.

Sexnotgender · 22/01/2019 20:14

He’s meant to be responsible for childcare and has arranged childcare.

Is it the best plan? Maybe not, but he’s taken responsibility for it.

Original poster
lilyboleyn · 22/01/2019 20:14

Ugh. I feel bad now.

Even if the baby is in the car for six hours on the same day?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 22/01/2019 20:16

So your only issue is how long baby is in the car? Because other than that there is no issue.

starabara · 22/01/2019 20:16

It’s not great, but there’s a significant break in the middle.... do you never travel to his sister normally?

The travelling wouldn’t bother me personally but I know not everyone feels that way...

Sexnotgender · 22/01/2019 20:16

It’s not ideal and he could have asked for help or an alternative, he has sorted it though.

And a 1 year old isn’t super tiny so will be fine in the car for that long as long as they are fed etc.

starabara · 22/01/2019 20:17

Also, I’m still keen to know how it’s “feckless”?

Magpiefeather · 22/01/2019 20:17

Against the grain so far but I think YANBU.

That’s a lot of time in the car for a 1 year old, mine would go ballistic. If he’d have given more notice you could have asked your mum earlier or sorted something else.

Yes you could just leave him to it as he HAS got a solution, but you know the baby won’t be happy and as you say it’s not in their best interest. I am with you. More notice needed!

xyzandabc · 22/01/2019 20:17

It's his watch for childcare, he's sorted it.

Your mum already has plans, very unfair to ask her to cancel them as she already does a lot for you.

If you think you can organise better at such short notice, go ahead. But I don't think, as a one off, that it's the worst thing in the world.

I'd let him crack on with it, see how it goes. If it's terrible he won't do it again, but nothing bad is going to happen to DC because of 2 X 3 hours in the car.

anotherwearytraveller · 22/01/2019 20:18

I wouldn’t be keen.
It’s a horrible journey for a baby and unnecessary altho tbf he isn’t asking or expecting you to find a solution so I’d give him that.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 22/01/2019 20:18

Not ideal but let him realise the error of his ways. If you jump in now you may end up solving all chid care ‘problems’. Three of my kids would have slept. The other would have wailed like a banshee for 6 hours. Time will tell.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 22/01/2019 20:18

YABU. His responsibility for childcare and he has sorted it. Don’t put your mum out for no reason.

RandomMess · 22/01/2019 20:18

How old is the 1 year old???

I would be disappointed DH didn't think to discuss it with me sooner and see if I had any alternative ideas.

Overall he's sorted it, it's one day and I'm sure a 12 month old will survive fine.

AlisonW1982 · 22/01/2019 20:18

It's not ideal but it's a one off and he's sorted it. If it goes tits up, he won't do it again. Leave him to deal with his part of the responsibilities for childcare.

(This is assuming he's not doing something outright dangerous i.e. a little newborn that needs frequent rest breaks for ensuring slow suffocation doesn't occur in a 3 hr car journey?)

Nicknacky · 22/01/2019 20:19

It’s not idea, but he has found a solution to a short notice problem.

BonBonVoyage · 22/01/2019 20:19

That's a ridiculous amount of time for a child to be in a car. He sorted it but he did a shit job of sorting it.

However, 6 hours of listening to baby cry in the back might buck up his game for next time

Original poster
lilyboleyn · 22/01/2019 20:19

Ach, maybe it’s not feckless starabara and I’m just overreacting based on previous form. It’s good to have some outside perspective anyway... I may need to go eat my words and apologise to him then.

OP posts:
ecuse · 22/01/2019 20:19

So he needs to work away in a city where his sister happens to work, and he's arranged for his sister to look after the baby? I don't see the big deal. Only thing I'd want is for him to give your mum sufficient notice of what's happening, as a courtesy, since she would normally have the baby.

cazinge · 22/01/2019 20:19

Sorry OP, I think YABU. People (women mostly) moan that the other parent (usually a man) doesn't take responsibility for childcare/ household admin/ wifework but when they do, it is criticised. If we want domestic / parenting equality that means trusting the other parent to make decisions and accepting they might not do everything exactly how we want it to be done but as long as the children aren't being neglected/ harmed you have to let your standards go.

I agree, it's not an ideal plan but won't do the baby any harm as a one off.

kayakingmum · 22/01/2019 20:19

6 hours is a lot, but presumably it's a one off. If the baby isn't happy I'm pretty sure he/she will let your husband know and he will stop. If it's a disaster he won't do it again.

Winifredgoose · 22/01/2019 20:19

Yanbu. There is no way it is reasonable for a baby to spend 6 hours in a car.