Is husband being unreasonable about childcare?

[lilyboleyn]

Mondays and Wednesdays my husband has the kids (3 and 1) until lunch time when he goes to work, and my mum takes over the childcare. I leave for work at 7.15am and am home about 5.30.
Husband has just informed me he’s working 2.5-3 hours away tomorrow so he’s leaving at the crack of dawn to get there.
I reminded him he has the baby tomorrow until lunchtime (big one is at nursery).
He is planning on taking the baby in the car to the far-away city, dropping the baby at his sisters (she lives in said city), doing the work and then presumably bringing the baby back at stupid-o-clock. From somewhere 2.5-3 hours away on a good day.

Apparently I am unreasonable in objecting to this madcap plan. It’s not his fault he doesn’t work in the same place all the time.

My view is this plan is not in the best interests of the baby, it’s appalling notice on his part (again) and it’s all a bit feckless actually.

Presumably we can ask my mom to look after the baby all day, though she won’t be best pleased as she had plans for the morning.

Please advise, Mumsnet jury. Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU
6 hours in a car for the baby, with the weather probably more.

I agree with PP that while this solution isn't great, it is more important to recognise that Wednesday mornings are DH's responsibility and it's better to accept his solution rather than criticise its imperfections.

HOWEVER the important thing is to ensure that he isn't insulated from the consequences of this plan. if the baby is cranky and cross and a nightmare generally on Thursday, due to having spent 6 hours in the car on Wednesday, then he needs to understand that he did that (and presumably that will not be a day when he has childcare responsibility so it will be him making someone else's time more difficult). hopefully that will then inform his planning next time something like this happens.

If you don’t like how he does things then maybe you should get a more flexible job?
Oh yes,or not work at all?
What a ridiculous idea

Ffs this has actually really annoyed me.

How patronizing are you lot that you think it appropriate to question whether he knows his child will need nappies and snacks?

Bollocks to the “how sad we face such low expectations “ ... the low expectations here aren’t to do with his organization they are to do with some women clearly assuming a man, who cares for his own child solo regularly won’t have thought about changing the baby!!

And no.
This isn’t only a plan a man could come up with. How rude.

I’ve already said, as have others, that as women this is something I would have thought a sensible plan.

Yes @planespotting

About as ridiculous as the previous suggestion that the father just tell his boss that “it doesn’t work for me”. This isn’t a CF friend asking for a lift home, it’s his job!!!

I agree star

Turn the whole thing around with it being the Mum who'd made this arrangement and the Dad not liking it.

How patronizing are you lot that you think it appropriate to question whether he knows his child will need nappies and snacks?

I thought this too! Come on - he's an adult. He knows his child wears nappies and that they need changing. Presumably he's also aware enough to realise that children need feeding too

I married my husband knowing he was a perfectly capable human who could make decisions without me writing him lists and holding his hand every step of the way

Bollocks to the “how sad we face such low expectations “ ... the low expectations here aren’t to do with his organization they are to do with some women clearly assuming a man, who cares for his own child solo regularly won’t have thought about changing the baby!!

I wouldn't consider anyone who proposed this to be parent of the year regardless of gender, unless they had absolutely no other choice.

I commented on the issue of nappy changes as DH and I took 1 year old DC on a 2 hour car trip while on holiday. There was an accident on the road and it made the return take 3.5 hours. She woke up from a nap hungry and irritable, there was nowhere to pull off to as we were in the middle lane of a jam packed carriageway. I had to go into the back seat and take her out of the car seat to change as DH had to remain on the road. Despite having sole care of my children on a regular basis, had I been in that situation alone it would have been a struggle.

So it's not patronising, it's just asking if he's thought it through completely.

I think YABU.
I don't think 3 hrs in a car for a one year old with a gap in between will do the DC any harm.

About as ridiculous as the previous suggestion that the father just tell his boss that “it doesn’t work for me”. This isn’t a CF friend asking for a lift home, it’s his job!!!
not quite @starabara
He has the children on that morning usually, the OP works usually. Hence, his boss is asking him to work outside normal hours, how is then is it you propose is the woman the one that finds a flexible job?

Are you a mum? Did you work when children were small?

Why oh why does SHE need to change? They had an agreement and arrangement.

brookshelley I wouldn't think of anyone who took a baby out of a car seat in the middle of a carriage way as parent of the year either
Do people genuinely think men have no clue? Sometimes shit happens. Sometimes kids do have to sit in a car for 2.5/3hr there and back. No one have family that lives that far away? No one go on holiday that far away? All these precious children that couldn't possibly travel that long. So what if they are cranky, need fed, don't sleep. It's not the end of the world! It's just part of the annoying crap that comes with parenthood. It's his dc too. He has sorted something. I'm sure he's not looking forward to it either but I'm sure the world won't end. I would be seriously pissed off if I made arrangements for work and child care for 1 day and my dh felt the need to get involved and moan about it or remind me of how a 1 year old needs changed or snacks.

Just let him get on with it
People only learn through trial and error

Yup. PP - I'm sure he knows about nappies and feeding. I don't think he'll be attempting a change one handed at 90mph in the outside lane.

Stop acting like the child will be travelling in a box in the boot of a Model T surrounded by bootlegged whisky.

No one is asking her to change anything plane not her job, not her shifts or even asking anything of her. He has sorted his day and childcare. Why on earth would you think she needs to change her job Let alone anything about her day?

I wouldn't think of anyone who took a baby out of a car seat in the middle of a carriage way as parent of the year either

It was non moving bumper to bumper traffic which is why we couldn't move to the side of the road, and she was sitting in shit and wailing.

@planespotting

No I’m sorry I was agreeing with you, I didn’t word it well!

Yes this is outside normal for him but his contract may account for that.

I firmly believe she shouldn’t change and through this thread I have cited several times that I worked around small babies.

If it was bumper to bumper stationary then I’d youd been alone you could have taken the keys from the ignition and done it yourself. If it wasn’t stationary I also wouldn’t consider it parenting if the year to remove a child from a car seat in moving traffic.

The whole thing is ridiculous. Our lives are absurd. When the hell did we get the idea that work should take priority over the health and well-being of our children?

That said, your husband has responsibility and he's come up with a plan so technically he's doing the right thing. Though I'd hate to be that kid being dragged about.

People don't usually drive 3 hours to Cornwall in the morning and turn back around the same day

No, but they do drive 6 hours to Cornwall. They do drive 3 hours to an event or day out or visit relatives and back in the same day. Many times I have driven over 3 hours to take my mum to a hospital appointment and back on the same day. ‘Dragging’ my pre school dc with me as I am a ‘shower of shite’ according to this thread. I’ve also driven that far for locum work as it suited me to be able to leave dcs with their gradparent while I worked. Admittedly in this case I didn’t return on the same day but it’s stil a 3.5 hour journey so I can do something as feckless as work.

I think people are suggesting that the OP find more flexible work as she is the one whose childcare standards are not being met by, what for many people, is a perfectly normal arrangement.

Agree entirely JamAtkins.

I cannot understand the outrage. And still no one has told me exactly what they think will be the I’ll effect on the child’s health/well being. It’s not the best way to spend time, but it’s not exactly “ cruel”either!

I feel like I exist in a parallel universe. We fly, we take trains, we drive, I go alone, DH goes alone, DC always come with one of us because we have no one else.

Do people genuinely think men have no clue? that’s genuinely what I think yes. In my experience many have no clue at all and are not tuned into what’s best for their babies. Some do of course but IMO they’re in the minority.

Of course they could have a clue if they actually did their fair share of parenting - it’s not that they’re inherently stupid, it’s that they don’t have the hands on experience.

Then you know the wrong type of men! These feckless men that don't do child care, change nappies, do housework etc I have yet to actually come across one in real life. Maybe it's overly controlling women, picking holes in perfectly reasonable issues?

Sure, all men's deficiencies must be the fault of the women 🙄

I read so much crap on here, mumsnet in general but especially AIBU

^^ these children are 50% their fathers after all. Women don’t have a manual on child rearing because they have a uterus.

Completely agree with MrsRyanGosling.

I don’t know any men who can’t look after their own children perfectly well. This is just mind numbing. Do mothers genuinely do nearly everything in your world whilst the men run around clueless on what they should be doing with their babies? Why don’t they do half the parenting? Maybe because when they do, the women spout that they know better, that the man’s plan which does not endanger the child or involve leaving the child with a complete stranger, or interrupt the mother’s day, is reckless and stupid.

And I’m not talking about OP here really any more who has long since gone, and who accepted she might be UR long ago.

Sure, all men's deficiencies must be the fault of the women 🙄

Quite! It’s not that they’re inadequate parents. It MUST be the fault of all these “control freak” women.