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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable about childcare?

166 replies

lilyboleyn · 22/01/2019 20:09

Mondays and Wednesdays my husband has the kids (3 and 1) until lunch time when he goes to work, and my mum takes over the childcare. I leave for work at 7.15am and am home about 5.30.
Husband has just informed me he’s working 2.5-3 hours away tomorrow so he’s leaving at the crack of dawn to get there.
I reminded him he has the baby tomorrow until lunchtime (big one is at nursery).
He is planning on taking the baby in the car to the far-away city, dropping the baby at his sisters (she lives in said city), doing the work and then presumably bringing the baby back at stupid-o-clock. From somewhere 2.5-3 hours away on a good day.

Apparently I am unreasonable in objecting to this madcap plan. It’s not his fault he doesn’t work in the same place all the time.

My view is this plan is not in the best interests of the baby, it’s appalling notice on his part (again) and it’s all a bit feckless actually.

Presumably we can ask my mom to look after the baby all day, though she won’t be best pleased as she had plans for the morning.

Please advise, Mumsnet jury. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MrsRyanGosling15 · 23/01/2019 11:08

Quite! It’s not that they’re inadequate parents. It MUST be the fault of all these “control freak” women

Well from some of the responses on here this really is the most logical conclusion!

Motoko · 23/01/2019 11:51

There are plenty of men out there who think looking after the children is their wife's job. You just need to read the threads on here to see that. Just because you don't know any, doesn't mean that they don't exist, or it's the result of "controlling women" ffs. And if the men haven't had much/any experience looking after their children, they're not going to know what to do, or be able to interpret their child's body language or cries, which only comes from spending a lot of time with the child.

My ex, when forced to change a nappy, used to wear rubber gloves!

MrsRyanGosling15 · 23/01/2019 12:04

But that certainly doesn't seem to be the case with the OP dh and she is just coming over as being controlling. She even said part of her issue was because she wasn't involved!

thecatsthecats · 23/01/2019 12:12

"It's not in the child's best interests"

Well, maybe not. But it would have been a cold day in hell before my parents wrapped themselves in knots about something so minor.

At that age, they took me all around Europe. On trains, on plains, on boats. Occasionally, I presumably cried. Occasionally, I was presumably bored.

I wouldn't know. I was one, they fed me, cleaned me, rasied me to adulthood, and as a child occasionally being in a bit less than perfect circumstances, I think it's not a big deal.

(I wonder how parents like this cope as their children get older and start to experience bigger problems - a crying baby one day is a teenager with a friend problem the next - you can't make everything perfect for them!)

3luckystars · 23/01/2019 15:04

Buy a big calendar for the kitchen, with room to write things in on the dates.

If he is working away, he has to write it on the calendar ahead of time so your baby isnt in a car seat for hours (which is unfair.)

A big family calendar will stop all of this. If it is isnt writren on the calendar, he is not going.

CosmicCanary · 23/01/2019 15:19

If it is isnt writren on the calendar, he is not going.

Its work not a day trip to the zoo Confused

3luckystars · 23/01/2019 15:23

I know. I am very strict about the calendar (especially about work). Grin

OlennasWimple · 23/01/2019 15:24

If he was planning on doing this every week, then it wouldn't be OK

But as a one off? It will be fine. And if it isn't, the baby is with his father, who presumably is capable of stopping the car and resolving the issue

"Feckless" would be assuming that the OP or MiL could step into the breach at the last minute. Or getting next door's 12 year old to look after the baby. Or something like that. Not taking the baby with him and leaving it with his sister

WitchesWeb · 23/01/2019 15:28

People don't usually drive 3 hours to Cornwall in the morning and turn back around the same day.

No but strangely enough people do go to Cornwall that live further than 3 hours away. Hmm

TheCowboy · 23/01/2019 16:06

Man gets shit for having job and independently arranging childcare.

Classic mumsnet.

starabara · 23/01/2019 16:40

@3luckystars

Take it your jobs don’t ever require flexibility?! You can’t plan everything in advance if you don’t know about it!

And actually, many people who participate in sports do indeed travel 3 hours in each direction for competitions in one day.

starabara · 23/01/2019 16:44

@TheCowboy

Quite. Next minute someone will come on and play the cool wives card, and we will nearly have a full card...

londonmummy1966 · 23/01/2019 16:55

Well it's not ideal but it's not the end of the world either, so long as the weather is OK - it's fine here but i know there's been a lot of snow elsewhere. He's taken responsibility, come up with a plan so I'd leave him to get on with it - I doubt he'll repeat the experience though......

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 23/01/2019 18:14

OP what ended up happening in the end?

adaline · 23/01/2019 20:28

that’s genuinely what I think yes. In my experience many have no clue at all and are not tuned into what’s best for their babies. Some do of course but IMO they’re in the minority.

Hmm Do you include your dad in that? Your husband? Your brothers? Will your sons grow up to have no clue and to be completely clueless? If so, why?

PopGoesTheWeaz · 28/01/2019 12:56

Presumably DH being in employment is best for baby...

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