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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable about childcare?

166 replies

lilyboleyn · 22/01/2019 20:09

Mondays and Wednesdays my husband has the kids (3 and 1) until lunch time when he goes to work, and my mum takes over the childcare. I leave for work at 7.15am and am home about 5.30.
Husband has just informed me he’s working 2.5-3 hours away tomorrow so he’s leaving at the crack of dawn to get there.
I reminded him he has the baby tomorrow until lunchtime (big one is at nursery).
He is planning on taking the baby in the car to the far-away city, dropping the baby at his sisters (she lives in said city), doing the work and then presumably bringing the baby back at stupid-o-clock. From somewhere 2.5-3 hours away on a good day.

Apparently I am unreasonable in objecting to this madcap plan. It’s not his fault he doesn’t work in the same place all the time.

My view is this plan is not in the best interests of the baby, it’s appalling notice on his part (again) and it’s all a bit feckless actually.

Presumably we can ask my mom to look after the baby all day, though she won’t be best pleased as she had plans for the morning.

Please advise, Mumsnet jury. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ZogTheOrangeDragon · 22/01/2019 20:37

It’s not a great day for your child but he is aware it is up to him to sort out childcare and has proactively done so. I know lots of women who say they are left to pick up the childcare arrangements when their partners change their working hours and how infuriating it is.

Fightingfit2019 · 22/01/2019 20:40

6 hours in a car throughout the day isn’t ideal but it will be fine.

He had responsibilities for childcare, something has come up and he’s sorted the childcare. What more could you ask for?

starabara · 22/01/2019 20:41

@magpiefeather

And perhaps my experience has clouded mine.

We travel a lot, I did many many journeys with DC from younger than that of that length and a bit more in one day. Mostly, there was enough fun at the destination that they were more tired and did just absorb the sleep, give or take a bit.

Why is it a shit day? Many babies would spend six hours a day strapped in, between a sling, a car seat, a pram, a bouncer every now and again.

starabara · 22/01/2019 20:43

I feel naive, I genuinely didn’t realise so many people don’t travel with their small children.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 22/01/2019 20:44

He had responsibilities for childcare, something has come up and he’s sorted the childcare. What more could you ask for?
this

Frouby · 22/01/2019 20:44

Yanbu OP. No way would I have done a 3 hour trip both ways with a baby because he can't say no to a work trip.

Was he supposed to be working tomorrow? What's changed? Is there a way he can leave later and beg your mum to have baby from 11am? Or a nursery or childminder to go to? Could sister meet him halfway and entertain baby in a shopping centre or softplay place?

I have to be honest and say that it is a completely unacceptable plan. Unless it was for something mediacal no way would I have a 1 year old in a car seat for 6 hours. If it was my baby and my dh I would be saying no chance. And if that meant consequences for him at work then tough shit. He was down to have the baby. He needs to sort a plan B.

Magpiefeather · 22/01/2019 20:45

@starabara - I have no idea what I’m doing, just following my instinct, I’ve never really needed to do that long a trip there and back in one day,and I think we adapt to the baby we have don’t we. If I’d had a chilled “will always sleep in the car” baby I may have been different!

adaline · 22/01/2019 20:45

Not ideal, but not the end of the world.

Would you be happy if you'd arranged childcare and he told you it was unsuitable and that his mum would step in as you clearly weren't capable of arranging care for your own child?

Because that's what you've implied!

mumtobabygilrl · 22/01/2019 20:45

I wouldn't want baby in the car that long if it's avoidable

Magpiefeather · 22/01/2019 20:46

But immediate instinct from me is it is too long in one day for baby in car seat. Accept I may be wrong , that’s just my instinct

Shazafied · 22/01/2019 20:50

My 1 year old would be incredibly distressed being strapped into a car seat for that length of time. And she would not sleep for more than 90 mins total ! Unless you have a very docile 1yo I’d say it’s a bit cruel, and unless absolutely essential, there’s no way I’d do it.

starabara · 22/01/2019 20:52

@magpiefeather

I think we are all just winging it. My DC certainly didn’t always sleep on the way there, and we had thousands of rounds of singing, songs for kids, the lot. We travelled lots as kids, and we have a pro am hobby the D+ have always come with us too as we don’t have any childcare of family support.

Lots of people on here say it’s too far is you aren’t alone, but I am curious as to why it’s too far? Oxygen levels in small babies not withstanding, I don’t see the issue, but maybe I’m missing something!,

TheOrigFV45 · 22/01/2019 20:52

Sounds like travel home will be late so baby will sleep? Sounds ok to me. I'd quite regularly do a 2.5hr trip there and back with a baby in a single day.

What have you decided?
Is baby just 1 or 18 or 24 months?

Yabbers · 22/01/2019 20:52

Not ideal??? It’s a fucking terrible idea.

I can’t believe we have such low expectations of blokes looking after children that we look at this and say “ahh well at least he tried”

A 6 hour round trip with a baby? Babies don’t just sit and watch the lovely scenery rush past, they cry and get hungry and need nappies changed. He’s going to have to stop at least twice. And what when the baby cries at that point between junctions on the motorway and you’re 20 minutes til you can stop? Not to mention the fact that it’s not ideal for babies to spend that much time in the car seat.

DH would be handed his arse on a plate if he came up with this sort of “plan”

mcmooberry · 22/01/2019 20:53

OMG I cannot believe the early replies!! I agree with every word the OP wrote, utterly feckless to think 2x 2.5 hour at least car journeys in one day and leaving at the crack of dawn was any kind of plan!!

Nicknacky · 22/01/2019 20:54

So yabbers what’s the alternative? It’s not ideal but it’s a one off and not the end of the world. My kids have travelled by car further for holidays and survived.

Bullnoway · 22/01/2019 20:56

6 hours in the car isn’t going to damage your baby. But it will be fucking shit for your husband. I’d make sure he’s got enough milk and supplies so your baby isn’t hungry and let him get on with it. The experience might focus his mind on what’s sensible in the future.

RedDwarves · 22/01/2019 20:57

Even if the baby is in the car for six hours on the same day?

How do you think babies cope in countries bigger than the UK, where travelling these distances by car is normal?

starabara · 22/01/2019 21:00

@Yabbers

This is a child over 1 year old.

Do you never go on journeys at all? How old does your child need to be to go on a trip?

I certainly haven’t done the “oh he tried” routine,, he had a childcare responsibility and he formulated a sensible plan.

I’d have done the same in his situation, and in fact have taken my DC to meetings and put them in the site nursery for the day or whatever. I’d hope no one would have patronised me by saying “ ah diddums, clueless working parent, at least she tried”

AWishForWingsThatWork · 22/01/2019 21:01

I used to do 7-8 hour runs to visit relatives with baby, toddler and 5 year old in the car ...

He organised responsible childcare -his family- and didn't leave you to sort it. Let him carry on.

starabara · 22/01/2019 21:01

@RedDwarves

No one has actually answered the question about what they think the ill effect actually is. Apart from to say that the baby might cry. But that’s true of any journey, no?
.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 22/01/2019 21:02

YABU. He is the one who cannot provide his usual child care, and he has found an alternative for the day. A family member, so I assume not a stranger?

The only exception would be if DC is known to hate car journeys. Two of my three would have been absolutely fine with this amount of time in the car. The other would have been more tricky.

Fairylightfurore · 22/01/2019 21:04

I'm with you op, it's a mad plan. Why put the baby through that, and commuting at rush hour can be dangerous at the best of times without the distraction of a bored crying baby. He needs to be more organised.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/01/2019 21:06

It’s a one off. It’s fine. Yabu.

Nearlythere1 · 22/01/2019 21:08

I can see both sides. I mean, yes he sorted it, but that's very little notice to inform you of it and surely it should have been a joint decision. And depending on your baby's nature, it could be extremely unsettling for them.