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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable about childcare?

166 replies

lilyboleyn · 22/01/2019 20:09

Mondays and Wednesdays my husband has the kids (3 and 1) until lunch time when he goes to work, and my mum takes over the childcare. I leave for work at 7.15am and am home about 5.30.
Husband has just informed me he’s working 2.5-3 hours away tomorrow so he’s leaving at the crack of dawn to get there.
I reminded him he has the baby tomorrow until lunchtime (big one is at nursery).
He is planning on taking the baby in the car to the far-away city, dropping the baby at his sisters (she lives in said city), doing the work and then presumably bringing the baby back at stupid-o-clock. From somewhere 2.5-3 hours away on a good day.

Apparently I am unreasonable in objecting to this madcap plan. It’s not his fault he doesn’t work in the same place all the time.

My view is this plan is not in the best interests of the baby, it’s appalling notice on his part (again) and it’s all a bit feckless actually.

Presumably we can ask my mom to look after the baby all day, though she won’t be best pleased as she had plans for the morning.

Please advise, Mumsnet jury. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
0lapislazuli · 22/01/2019 21:12

Yanbu. He’s not thinking about the baby’s best interest. Being stuck in a car for up to six hours and way past bedtime as well? Could possibly be quite stressful for the baby (and husband if he ends up being stuck for hours with a crying baby while driving). He should have sorted an alternative that would be better for the child’s wellbeing.

coconutpie · 22/01/2019 21:12

YANBU. Inflicting a 6 hour round trip on a baby in one day is not in baby's best interests. And since he'll be commuting during rush hour, that 6 hours could turn into 7 hours or longer. I would be telling him this is not happening. He can come up with a solution that has baby's best interests at heart.

Kindlethefourth · 22/01/2019 21:13

My in laws live 3 hours drive away. Have been taking DDs since they were both a month old to see them. Sometimes there and back in a day. Both have survived to be teenagers. Am impressed with oP's DH's logic TBH.

Surfingtheweb · 22/01/2019 21:14

He's doing the best he can in the situation you are in. So yes YABU, life is not perfect & with demanding jobs & a family needs must. Unless you want to override & enlist your mums help for the day & get agreement to her being "on call" for such occasions moving forward, otherwise you will need SIL again perhaps. It's not ideal, but he's doing the best he can.

CarolDanvers · 22/01/2019 21:19

For a one year old, the options are a six hour plus round trip or stay at home with grandma. I find it incomprehensible that the six hour plus round trip would be the favoured option.

CinnamonToaster · 22/01/2019 21:22

@starabara yeah fair enough, like all these things the guidelines tend to draw an arbitrary line but the reality is it's a very gentle curve. A baby is wildly unlikely to have ill effects from weaning at 5m28days but be completely fine at 6m0days. The difference between a 12 month old and a 23 month old is huge.

Even if you insist the one year old would be fine for 2x3 hour stretches without a break, many 3 year olds' bladders won't allow that, so it's a moot point. Yes we travel these days, but we build breaks in more than we ever did pre-DC.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 22/01/2019 21:24

I don't think YABU to be annoyed. Unless you have a great traveller for a baby who absolutely loves sitting in the car for hours on end. Yes he has come up with a solution but sitting a child in a car for 6 hours to me sounds like a last resort / emergency childcare and not a plan. Our baby would last an hour before screaming her head off and then falling asleep at the wrong times and be a nightmare later. Presumably he knew about it before and you could have made a better plan together if he'd mentioned it beforehand

Maryann1975 · 22/01/2019 21:26

He is meant to be doing the childcare. He has sorted an alternative plan. It’s far from ideal having baby sat in the car for that long, but he is the one who is going to have to listen, so I’d let him crack on. Next time, he will either ask your mum if it was a disaster or do the same again if it went well.

As others have said, don’t step in and change the plans or you will end up being expected to sort everything and that is so far from ideal, so don’t go there!

JamAtkins · 22/01/2019 21:28

Yabu. It’s not an unreasonable journey as a one off. He isn’t proposing to do it daily. My parents live 3.5 hours away and when the dcs were pre school I would frequently visit and often come back in the same day. Most people wouldn’t think twice about driving that distance for a holiday or wedding. He can always leave 30 min early and take a break if he thinks the baby needs it.

Pixie2015 · 22/01/2019 21:28

I am with you OP 6h car ride in a day for 1y old to be then left with a relative that may not do regular child care for you sound a bit much - hope you get sorted

Yabbers · 22/01/2019 21:30

@NickyNacky

The alternative was to sort out more appropriate childcare, that doesn’t involve dragging his kid half way across the country for his own convenience.

The alternative was to ask MIL in plenty time so she could maybe change her plans, or before she even made them.

The alternative was to say to his employer/client “Sorry that doesn’t work for me” when asked to do something on one of the two mornings it is his responsibility to provide the childcare, as us working mums do all the bloody time. Unless he is travelling to save someone’s life, he doesn’t need to go.

@starabara

Of course I travel and have done since she was born, which is why I can say it’s a fucking bad idea. Travelling that distance for a holiday, on no fixed timeline is entirely different to heading somewhere for a work deadline, leaving at the crack of dawn. Also entirely different to dropping at a site nursery unless there was a 6 hour trip involved.

We have family all over the U.K, journeys with a 1 year old were not fun for anyone, least of all for the 1 year old.

I used to do 7-8 hour runs to visit relatives with baby, toddler and 5 year old in the car

Well done you. And nobody cried, and nobody felt sick and nobody had to stop to pee or have a nappy changed, those journeys were like flying through rainbows, right?

Nicknacky · 22/01/2019 21:33

It was last minute. MIL had plans.

AnotherEmma · 22/01/2019 21:35

I'm with Yabbers. Especially this:
"I can’t believe we have such low expectations of blokes looking after children that we look at this and say “ahh well at least he tried”"

Chocolateheaven123 · 22/01/2019 21:41

YANBU. I would not be happy for a baby to be stuck in a car seat for 3 hours each way. It's not fair in the child and not in their best interests. Being stuck in that one position for so long isnt right. Plus what if they get stuck in traffic due to the bas weather or something? It's even longer for the little one.

adaline · 22/01/2019 21:45

A 6 hour round trip with a baby?

Why is that a problem? It's not everyday, it's a one-off. How do you think babies in Australia or America cope, when that kind of distance between towns is perfectly normal?

MintCassis · 22/01/2019 21:51

How well does your baby know it’s aunt? If they do get upset on the journey will she be able to comfort them?

starabara · 22/01/2019 22:54

@Yabbers

That’s precisely
What I meant. I took the baby to sites up to five hour drives away and put them in the site nursery.

Similarly, I’m well versed with travelling to deadlines. This is not the drama some are making out. It’s not a tiny baby; it’s not dependent upon milk alone, it’s going to family. And I’m only saying it because Op hadn’t specified sex.

RandomMess · 22/01/2019 22:58

Can't believe some parents clearly never take their 1-2 year old anywhere that involves a 2-3 hour drive Confused

starabara · 22/01/2019 22:59

I take the point Cinammon and I agree, more breaks are needed, but I don’t see that the Father here is not intending to stop?

And yes, we stopped morewith the just toilet trained 23 month old than the 20month in nappies days!! Gosh I remember those.

I’d agree it was all mad if he was planning this regularly, but he’s not.

Oh and @Yabbers I don’t think people do regularly say to their employers “no sorry I won’t do that”. Most of us are contracted to work.... therefore if our contract states XYZ and we sign it, saying later on “no that doesn’t work for me” doesn’t tend to cut it!!

Perhaps her DH, like me, has an obligation to location and time flexibility. OP indicates he does have to change location and not by choice..... I’ve never just said no. It’s my job.

bottleitup · 22/01/2019 23:11

YaNBU but might be overreacting. My DC is not great with car journeys and has always been rather intolerable on car journeys over 1hr long.

But if your DC is quite amenable to long car journeys then maybe as a one off it's fine?

CinnamonToaster · 22/01/2019 23:28

Actually my bad, he's leaving the bigger one in nursery. Anyway, my basic point of leaving him to get on with it stands.

CoastalLife · 22/01/2019 23:49

Do those if you saying it’s too far never do that sort of journey for a day trip?

No. Never. I absolutely would not consider making a 6+ hour round trip for a day out. I'm amazed that anyone would.

It's no fucking wonder that there are so many useless men out there when everyone is so impressed with this "solution". A one year old spending 6 hours couped up in a car FFS. I don't know many mums who would have come up with this shower of shite as a plan. All the mums I know would have arranged for additional childcare for the morning, probably in the form of asking MIL in advance if she could come earlier on that day. If not they would probably have asked their partner in advance if he could take the morning off to be with the baby. If not, they might have tried asking friends or arranging a babysitter. If none of that was possible, they would have rearranged the work thing or told their manager that as they were unable to arrange childcare, they would not be able to work the additional hours. This idiot just left it until the last minute, didn't prioritise his responsibility as his child's carer, and then came up with a half arsed solution that is not in his baby's best interests.

But it's a man so "ah bless him, he tried!"

Rachelle3211 · 23/01/2019 00:02

We visit family once a month that are a three hour drive each way. I have never considered that a big deal. I traveled 22 hours on the plane with him when he was 15 months. I don't get the issue with a car ride where the baby will be visiting with their aunt?

If we want men to step up more we have to let them. Not everything needs to be critiqued. He is perfectly capable of taking his child in the car for 3 hours at a time.

GunpowderGelatine · 23/01/2019 00:08

YABU sounds like a good solution to me, feel a bit bad for him that he's been bollocked for it.

HauntedPencil · 23/01/2019 00:39

It's a long time in the car but he's sorted what needs to be sorted.

I doubt he'll be in a rush to do it again but I don't think it's awful. He could hang on at his sisters until after dinner & hopefully the baby can be transferred on the way home.

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