Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable about childcare?

166 replies

lilyboleyn · 22/01/2019 20:09

Mondays and Wednesdays my husband has the kids (3 and 1) until lunch time when he goes to work, and my mum takes over the childcare. I leave for work at 7.15am and am home about 5.30.
Husband has just informed me he’s working 2.5-3 hours away tomorrow so he’s leaving at the crack of dawn to get there.
I reminded him he has the baby tomorrow until lunchtime (big one is at nursery).
He is planning on taking the baby in the car to the far-away city, dropping the baby at his sisters (she lives in said city), doing the work and then presumably bringing the baby back at stupid-o-clock. From somewhere 2.5-3 hours away on a good day.

Apparently I am unreasonable in objecting to this madcap plan. It’s not his fault he doesn’t work in the same place all the time.

My view is this plan is not in the best interests of the baby, it’s appalling notice on his part (again) and it’s all a bit feckless actually.

Presumably we can ask my mom to look after the baby all day, though she won’t be best pleased as she had plans for the morning.

Please advise, Mumsnet jury. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 22/01/2019 20:19

What am I reading here? Six hour car journey for a one year old baby in one day when it's not necessary? Absolutely not! YANBU OP at ALL!

AlisonW1982 · 22/01/2019 20:20

Agree with PP who said if you dive in to "fix" it you'll just be making a rod for your own back (it basically means your share of the childcare responsibility is yours ... And his share is too.. not ok)

Shazafied · 22/01/2019 20:21

I wouldn’t let my baby be in the car for 6 hours in one day, no.

But I don’t think it’s your husbands fault. I think he’s done the his best to solve a problem ....

But I do think you need to ask your mum to take the baby in the morning.

mindutopia · 22/01/2019 20:21

I wouldn’t be happy with 6 hours or more in the car unless it was necessary. My office is 3 hours commute from home (6 hours a day total) and no way would I bring either of my kids on that. I would plan in advance to arrange childcare that suited my hours.

Will he be the one putting the baby who has slept 6 hours in the car to bed though when he gets home at stupid o’clock or will that suddenly be your job because he’s had a long day at work?

starabara · 22/01/2019 20:21

@Magpiefeather

Has the OP said baby won’t be happy?

It’s not a tiny baby, and presumably will sleep on the way home having been tired by aunt, and sleep on the way if they are leaving early?

Do those if you saying it’s too far never do that sort of journey for a day trip? I’m surprised. Obviously daily would be too much but this is a one off...

formerbabe · 22/01/2019 20:21

If he had asked your mum instead, your aibu could have read...

My dh is working tomorrow morning and we have no childcare. His sister lives in the city he's working in, so he could have dropped our baby off at hers...instead he's asked my mum who already had plans for tomorrow and has had to change them. Aibu to think his sister would have been a better option?

LotsToThinkOf · 22/01/2019 20:22

Well my reaction would have been the same as yours: it's far away, it's not expected, I don't have a hand in the planning. So I'd be saying it's a bad idea. However; this would be my anxiety reacting and not me and it's very UR.

YABU - your DH has realised he has a change of plan, he's organised childcare for the baby so that you haven't had to rearrange anything at all. He's thought it out, it's doable and you haven't had to have any hassle. If it was every day then I'd not agree but it's a one off and a long journey won't do the baby any harm.

I think your DH has been great! Don't worry about the baby, everything will be fine.

starabara · 22/01/2019 20:23

Seriously? I think I’m missing something....hat do you all think will happen on a one off six hours in the car in one day? It’s not six hours straight......

FirmlyRooted · 22/01/2019 20:24

Definitely not in baby's interest! Baby will be ok but certainly not the best option and it sounds like it could have been avoided with more notice. I'd find his sloppy planning impacting the child very off putting and not be impressed. YANBU.

Notmorewashing · 22/01/2019 20:24

Couldn’t one of you booked a days leave. I wouldn’t want baby in car for that long.

Lemoneeza · 22/01/2019 20:24

it's a one off. baby will probably sleep most of the way. it's not six hours in one go. don't see a problem at all.

couchparsnip · 22/01/2019 20:25

A one off car journey won't hurt the child and presumably his sister will enjoy having her niece or nephew for the day.
He has sorted child care, YABU.

BirdieInTheHand · 22/01/2019 20:25

As an occasional solution I think it's absolutely fine

cricketmum84 · 22/01/2019 20:26

Well he has taken the initiative and organised the childcare. There's a lot of men out there who would leave it to their wife to sort which is what I was expecting when I read the first part of your post!

Chill out, it's a lovely opportunity for the littles to have some time with his auntie.

starabara · 22/01/2019 20:26

Did he definitely have more notice!? I often have to work in different locations with little notice, it’s not unusual....

CinnamonToaster · 22/01/2019 20:26

I expect you are probably right, but mention about the time limits on car travel for little ones and leave it at that. If you can hold back from taking charge and "fixing" this, it will pay back in the future.

He will probably have a really long, difficult day. Resist saying "I told you so", just be nice to him. It'll be your turn to do the juggling act often enough.

rhopotomac · 22/01/2019 20:27

It’s a one off with a big break in the middle. It’s no big deal. Yabu and should apologise..

Dixiechickonhols · 22/01/2019 20:27

I thought you were going to say he had just announced he was working away and hadn’t sorted childcare. It seems a sensible plan to me. he accepts mornings are his responsibility and has made arrangements. I don’t see the fuss with baby in the car, presumably they will sleep. Baby gets some 1-1 with auntie. If they are back Late does it matter? Baby can have a more chilled day at home with dad the morning after.

starabara · 22/01/2019 20:31

@CinnamonToaster

How long do those guideline limits apply For? I genuinely don’t know, is it still applicable for a child over a year old?

PixiKitKat · 22/01/2019 20:33

Is he prepared for being stuck on the motorway due to bad weather or an accident? If he's insistent on the drive with the baby I'd be making him pack supplies and blankets just in case!

Magpiefeather · 22/01/2019 20:34

@starabara she didn’t, I’m just basing this on my own experience.

My child at one would have gone ballistic. It’s not fair to inflict that. No, we’d never travel that far in one day with the baby in the car. We’ve done 3 hours one way, stayed overnight and then 3 hours back the next day. But day trips have been max 1.5 hrs each way I think.

If baby is one that will just sleep all the way there and back (different kettle of fish I suppose!), as a pp says, who is going to deal with bedtime? An “extra” few hours of sleep isn’t just absorbed? Unless some babies just do take extra and then sleep fine at night, maybe my crap sleeper has skewed my judgement.

CatnissEverdene · 22/01/2019 20:35

That's a pretty shit day for a baby, though, spending 6 hours strapped in a car seat............

QueenieInFrance · 22/01/2019 20:35

6 hours in one day in a car with a one year old.... break or not in the middle. He might well nit do it again tbh.

If he is coming back late, I will assume he will be organised enough to ensure 1yo will have their evening meal and then drive after (so they can sleep all the way through).
The morning trip might be more entertaining!

Charlie97 · 22/01/2019 20:36

If he's coming back at stupid o'clock surely baby will sleep anyway?

QueenieInFrance · 22/01/2019 20:37

I also suspect he is planning for baby to sleep all the way in the car.
My experience is that they won’t. Not for 3 hours straight after a nice of sleep!