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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable about childcare?

166 replies

lilyboleyn · 22/01/2019 20:09

Mondays and Wednesdays my husband has the kids (3 and 1) until lunch time when he goes to work, and my mum takes over the childcare. I leave for work at 7.15am and am home about 5.30.
Husband has just informed me he’s working 2.5-3 hours away tomorrow so he’s leaving at the crack of dawn to get there.
I reminded him he has the baby tomorrow until lunchtime (big one is at nursery).
He is planning on taking the baby in the car to the far-away city, dropping the baby at his sisters (she lives in said city), doing the work and then presumably bringing the baby back at stupid-o-clock. From somewhere 2.5-3 hours away on a good day.

Apparently I am unreasonable in objecting to this madcap plan. It’s not his fault he doesn’t work in the same place all the time.

My view is this plan is not in the best interests of the baby, it’s appalling notice on his part (again) and it’s all a bit feckless actually.

Presumably we can ask my mom to look after the baby all day, though she won’t be best pleased as she had plans for the morning.

Please advise, Mumsnet jury. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 23/01/2019 00:41

I don’t live the long drive, but he made a plan for coverage. I would respect that. Odds are next time he will come up with a different plan since babies and long drives often go poorly.

HauntedPencil · 23/01/2019 00:42

I've driven a round trip of 6 hours in a day with a baby. I left early had one stop and drove back late after tea.

It's hardly abominable, people aren't saying it's fine because it's a man FFS.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2019 00:46

Does he realise how often he needs to stop and get the child out the car even without the inevitable hungry baby 5 minutes after he's pulled off?

Travisandthemonkey · 23/01/2019 00:57

Just let him get on with it
People only learn through trial and errod

I mean how did anyone on this thread learn that their child can’t do more than an hour in a car... or are they just making it up

Topseyt · 23/01/2019 02:14

I don't get the issue. We had to regularly travel that distance and more to see family when our three were that age.

It will be a long day, but as a one-off it will be fine. At worst DH will learn a valuable lesson if baby does give him grief. That is how most of us learned this sort of stuff.

Not at all feckless. Leave him to get on with it. Maybe if the need arises again he will make better arrangements further in advance.

brookshelley · 23/01/2019 02:40

A 2.5 hour drive with a 1 year old could require multiple stops for food and nappy changes. Has he factored that into his timing?

RCohle · 23/01/2019 03:23

Well it is a bit feckless and disorganised of him, but leaving him to suffer the consequences is surely the best lesson.

6 hours in the car with a screaming baby and probably being late because he hasn't factored in nappy changes etc, will do wonders for his ability to forward plan in the future.

Provided it isn't happening every week it won't to the baby any harm either.

I do somethings think constantly criticising how your DP parents can make him/her want to throw in the towel and leave it all to you, "because I never do it right anyway". Leave him to figure out his own strategies and coping mechanisms without you as a safety net.

Handprints2018 · 23/01/2019 04:57

Its not great but i wouldn't consider helping him, he will learn if the baby is upset. Otherwise these things he keeps doing will be repeated. So not great, but he will learn from this.

Although if its snowing in the morning and bad on the roads, he should find another way anyway.

Butteredghost · 23/01/2019 05:22

Sounds fine to me. If he has to make extra stops for baby's needs, how is that OPs problem? I bet her DH doesn't fuss over her on the mornings she is taking DC to childcare, asking if she has enough petrol, if she has left time to stop for nappy change, if she's packed spare clothes etc.

Imagine DH was planning to take DC to his sisters house just to visit. And OP came on here saying she refused as 3 hours each way is too far. She would be told she is being very UR.

Shoxfordian · 23/01/2019 05:31

It seems ok to me, he's made a plan so it doesn't disrupt your day. Baby will probably sleep in the car anyway

Pernickity1 · 23/01/2019 05:51

YANBU OP and I’m guessing your DH will be sorry when your one year old screams the car down! It’s the sort of idiotic move my own DH would pull - they don’t have the best interests of the baby in mind and expect them to slot into their plans - regardless how daft. It can be exasperating. Part of me thinks let him do it and he can deal with the repercussions (baby could be fine and sleep most of the way if there’s a good break in the middle?) but honestly I wouldn’t like the idea of my baby being hysterical in a car for hours or leaving them with someone they’re not familiar with (im guessing your baby doesn’t see your SIL often if she lives 3 hours away?) all good work out swimmingly of course, but I wouldn’t be happy about it to be honest.

Shazafied · 23/01/2019 05:58

Can't believe some parents clearly never take their 1-2 year old anywhere that involves a 2-3 hour drive

It’s a six hour round trip, 2 x3 hours and we don’t know if that includes stops!

I’ve done 2.5 hours with dd when she was 10m. Times so that she would sleep. She slept for an hour and cried the rest of the way. I didn’t have to travel back that day (we were going on a short holiday). Can you imagine doing that for 3hours then, just a few hours later, making them do it again ?!

No way. It’s a shoddy solution that doesn’t meet the babies needs. Hope the grandmother is helping today !!

BlueWonder · 23/01/2019 06:06

I think you're being a bit mean. He has sorted it without any inconvenience to you. It would have been nice to discuss options beforehand; baby goes with him; baby goes to your mum all day; you yourself take a day off work. But for whatever reason (work meeting arranged at short notice, he forgot or you have criticised in the past?), he has just sorted it himself. He's not doing it your way, but he's doing it - maybe he's even looking forward to the road trip with the DCSmile

We all talk about the 'mental load', here is one thing that hasn't been dumped on you. I would be grateful that you have a responsible and resourceful DH tbh.

WorriedMum11 · 23/01/2019 06:10

Personally in this situation. And I have been in this situation with my kids I've travelled up evening before at bedtime so PJs on at around 7am and put baby in car - gone up to mum's slept over she's had baby for the day and then I've come home had tea after the work I needed to do and then done the same PJs on and driven back - often DC taken an hour to go to sleep but generally fall asleep and DH on hand the other end to lift them out and put straight to bed.

WorriedMum11 · 23/01/2019 06:10

Sorry 7pm!

Arkos · 23/01/2019 06:21

Yanbu. We regularly travel 5hr journeys to visit family... but...we have regular lengthy stops and i sit in the back to provide entertainment and comfort. They might sleep a good stretch but when they wake they'll want a toy... which they'll drop... and then scream etc.
Then they'll want a snack/food... which they can't safely eat while driving. Or it'll be a messy snack.
Then they'llhave a poo....
No... not a good idea solo

CosmicCanary · 23/01/2019 06:41

Its a couple of hours with a decent break inbetween. I can't see what the issue is.

Does something horrible happen when children are in the car for more than 5 minutes?
He cares for his children every day so I would think he is aware of their needs and can manage to stop feed and change his child should he need to.
YABU OP.

bellabasset · 23/01/2019 06:43

It's a very cold morning and icy conditions. I think it's also about the baby's routine, being woken and put in a car with a parent who had to get to work, being left with someone they might not be used to, then a long journey home.

I don't think OP's dh has thought it through, and I would be concerned if it were my baby. I'd probably end up taking time off.

CosmicCanary · 23/01/2019 07:02

Concerned for what?

Seriously are babies so delicate that if their routine is not followed religiously they will break?
Children are put in nursery to be looked after by people they do not know at first but nobody seems to bat an eyelid then. The aunt may be a weekly visitor for all we know.
As for the weather unless there is a ""don't drive unless absolutely necessary" and DH does not drive like Lewis Hamilton why is it an issue?

Cliffdonville · 23/01/2019 07:24

I think it’s fine as long as he factors in stops if needed and has a well stocked baby bag.

I must have been really lucky with DD, at that age I would put an audio book or music on and she would be fine. We regularly traveled in the car for 2-3 hours at a time and I’ve never had any issues.

JamAtkins · 23/01/2019 07:40

We know that the ops dh has sole charge for his smaller dc at least 2 half days a week. Why on earth would anyone think that he doesn’t know that sometimes nappies need changing or loo breaks are needed for potty trained babies or he may need to stop for a break or the baby might not sleep the whole way? The op works too, would anyone like to remind her that babies nappies need changing for when she is looking after them? He also presumably knows how to drive and that it is cold in January. The OP had not said that the aunt is a stranger or unsuitable in any way either.
Look at the holiday threads. Full of people talking about driving to Scotland or Cornwall from their homes miles away and an absence of anyone saying “you can only holiday with a 60min radius if your dc are small”.

Booboostwo · 23/01/2019 07:47

It’s not an ideal day with one’s child and he may well have an awful time in the car but needs must. He has to work, he has to look after the DCs, so what else is he expected to do? I am sure millions of parents make these kinds of decisions every day.

brookshelley · 23/01/2019 07:55

Look at the holiday threads. Full of people talking about driving to Scotland or Cornwall from their homes miles away and an absence of anyone saying “you can only holiday with a 60min radius if your dc are small”.

People don't usually drive 3 hours to Cornwall in the morning and turn back around the same day.

I don't think small children enjoy being strapped into a car seat for hours on end, if there is an alternative to subjecting them to that I would also seek it . When it's unavoidable then you make do but OP says they could have asked her DM if her DH had given reasonable notice.

Hereiamitsme · 23/01/2019 07:59

I think the people saying it's OK are crazy! We travel back and forth to London and the North regularly and have done since my kids were babies, visiting family, but the differences are:
You have both parents (and sibling) in the car to entertain, pass snacks, chat to the baby etc.
We always have at least 1 good stop off to have a proper lunch somewhere with a garden, playground, somewhere to run around. If the DH is going for work then presumably he wouldn't have this luxury.

Of course we have travelled about 6 hours in a day (my parents live 5hrs away) but during a holiday/weekend where we could recover afterwards, because.. It's NOT fun.

Like a PP I think the standards of dad childcare are ridiculously low. Just "sorting something" is not good enough.
Does the baby know the aunt and has she looked after before?

greendale17 · 23/01/2019 08:03

YABU

Your husband has made alternative arrangements to accommodate his job. If you don’t like how he does things then maybe you should get a more flexible job?

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