To expect parents to turn up on time for dinner?

[Journea]

It’s my birthday and my DH and I cooked lunch for us, our three children, my parents, brother, SIL and 12 month old niece. Long story short but my parents are constantly late whenever we cook (we cook and host a lot of times throughout the year.) We’d told everyone we were eating at 4pm. Brother and family turn up nice early - all good here. Parents turn up at 4:30pm. No apology. They just come in and sit down. OH had held off serving up until they arrived but was annoyed as he kept muttering under his breath and to me. In the end, it all came out and he told my parents a few home truths about how he’s sick of being walked on, expected to cook dinner for everyone and them not having the decency to turn up on time or say sorry. He was angry.
Anyhow, DM 5 minutes later storms out, saying she’s going home and slams our front door on her way out, leaving DF here. My brother then receives a text saying to tell my DH to remember that she gave us £10k when my Nanny passed away and how she’s treated us to meals out over the years and that she never wants to speak to him again. So my first AIBU is that does giving people money warrant an excuse for constant lateness and lack of manners?
I received a text message saying that we need to remember that she suffers from fibromyalgia and that being late is part of her everyday life. Tea was at 4pm - IMO, plenty of time to be able to get up and dressed and travel 20 minutes down the road. She had also now text saying she ‘doesn’t need us lot’ who I guess she refers to us lot being myself, my DH and our three children.
What would you do? Was DH being unreasonable to expect them to turn up or at least say sorry?

if they are always late then why tell them 4 for dinner, you should know better

this whole fandango is simply avoided by telling them an hour earlier.

Just serve when you were planning to. And if there's none left...💁‍♀️.

They'll learn.

Yup. My mother is always an hour late so I always tell her an hour earlier. Stops problems.

It’s quite normal to arrive 30 mins after a meal invite, it’s not the norm to eat straight away.

Your Mother is feeling humiliated about being called out publicly. See her privately and reconcile. It is not worth losing your mother over this.

It's very rude to always be late but to be honest I'd be more pissed off at dh for not biting his tongue and ruining my birthday. If they are always so late surely you expect it at this stage and time dinner accounts or tell them a different time?

It was the wrong time and place to address it and should not have been done in anger anyway

*accordingly

Half an hour is nothing! In fact, I'd expect people to be at least 15 mins after the allocated time and would definitely not plan on serving dinner bang on time.
I can't believe your DH got that angry. I though the thread was going to say they came 2 hours late!

This has been building up and come out.

What did your dad say?

They were rude but so was your DH and he was the one who actually spoiled the occasion by speaking to them in a way that was never going to be well received and on your birthday.

You DM is now humiliated and making excuses for herself which is daft but perhaps understandable.

It doesn’t sound as if they will be coming again you time soon but if you do invite them again just say you wil be eating at 3.30 if you know they always run late. Or serve food that sits quietly until everyone is gathered.

What penguinecake said. Definitely not the occasion to go off at her. Your husband needs to apologise.

I do agree. Totally wrong time but I think DH has simply had enough of it. We had told them we were eating at 4pm but to come round early afternoon, as my brother and his family did. Surely if you booked a table at a restaurant for a certain time then you wouldn’t turn up half an hour late or else your table would be given away?
We had told DH that we should just serve up as planned so the toddlers weren’t kept hungry.
I see it from both sides ... I’m annoyed with DH but also annoyed with DM.

DH not being unreasonable. Money doesn’t buy you an excuse to be rude and turn up late. If DM doesn’t want to speak again then it’s a win for you. No more late meals.

If your parents knew you where eating at 4pm they should have planned to arrive 15 minutes early. If they have to manage pain then they need to start getting ready earlier so they can fit in rest etc. I'm sure when they go to hospital/GP they do this so they don't get turned away. I would tell them the wrong time though and/or start eating at the correct time so I was more in control.

Oh it's a bit tricky, it was only 30 minutes, I know I know 30 minutes is enough time for a meal to be ruined especially when you have other guests. I did think though you were going to say they were late by at least an hour or 2. However, it is rude and impolite to ALWAYS be late imo. I have family members like this and I always tell them an hour earlier if I'm hosting. And i always say something like we'll be eating at 4, but do come earlier for a catch up / drink etc etc. Think your mum was a little OTT, but i can sort of see why if she's never been pulled about this before. I think I'd be a bit annoyed my birthday had been ruined !!

Why not tell them an earlier time then? I get it is a bit annoying if you are waiting to serve, but 30 mins after the invitation time does not seem an unreasonable to show up. Your husband sounds like a bit of a twerp - how does he think your parents walk on him, or expect him to make them dinner? Was it really worth you losing your family over? Not his place to say anything if you chose not too!

30mins... Really?

Erm, tbh I don't know why your DH didn't just serve dinner, and parents can get some once they arrive. 30mins late is better than not arriving at all, but I guess it can be perceived as disrespectful, especially if no contact was made to explain lateness.

But is it really worth getting this upset about, especially if she's always late and you've come to expect it? I actually feel bad for your mum, but I can understand how things can get heated in the moment, so your DH felt the need to let off some steam.

The latecomers in my family know the drill, they get whatever is left. Definitely solves the issue of keeping everyone waiting. Perhaps, going forward, this should be a rule for your family.

Its fair enough for your dh to stick up for himself if he feels like he is being treated disrespectfully. He may not have handled it in the best way possible, but it's family and I think he can be forgiven for being annoyed.

Your mums reaction about money and saying she doesn't need you is just nasty. Why couldn't she have apologised for being late, or said that she didn't realise it was a problem but she'll try not to do it in future? That would be the normal reaction to being told that your behaviour had understandably upset someone. Hopefully your mums reaction was just one of embarrassment, people often get immediately defensive when they're wrong.

It's a relatively minor issue though so hopefully with a couple of days space you should all be able to reconcile if effort is made on both sides.

I wouldn't expect a meal.to.be served dead on the time.of the invite. I think if you are invited for 4 then the meal would be served at 4.30..
I actually think your DH was rude and shouldn't have said anything.

Should have added that just because they gave you money this does not excuse their manners.

My Dad agreed with DH. He apologised for being late and said how childish DM was. He said he’d been asking her to get ready to go but she was still in the field with the dogs and then came in and said she needed a shower. She is now making excuses.
I think it all needed to come out as the behaviour isn’t on but it’s a shame it had to be my birthday.

They weren

I never get the pandering to the rude with time by telling them a different time and working around them, if people can't EVER get it together to at least be on time once, it's rude, not an endearing personality trait or quirk.

There is no excuse not to apologise

I think it’s bevause we asked them to come over mid afternoon and that food would be served at 4pm so actually, they were 2 1/2 hours late but turned up 30 minutes after food was meant to be served.