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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect parents to turn up on time for dinner?

217 replies

Journea · 20/01/2019 19:23

It’s my birthday and my DH and I cooked lunch for us, our three children, my parents, brother, SIL and 12 month old niece. Long story short but my parents are constantly late whenever we cook (we cook and host a lot of times throughout the year.) We’d told everyone we were eating at 4pm. Brother and family turn up nice early - all good here. Parents turn up at 4:30pm. No apology. They just come in and sit down. OH had held off serving up until they arrived but was annoyed as he kept muttering under his breath and to me. In the end, it all came out and he told my parents a few home truths about how he’s sick of being walked on, expected to cook dinner for everyone and them not having the decency to turn up on time or say sorry. He was angry.
Anyhow, DM 5 minutes later storms out, saying she’s going home and slams our front door on her way out, leaving DF here. My brother then receives a text saying to tell my DH to remember that she gave us £10k when my Nanny passed away and how she’s treated us to meals out over the years and that she never wants to speak to him again. So my first AIBU is that does giving people money warrant an excuse for constant lateness and lack of manners?
I received a text message saying that we need to remember that she suffers from fibromyalgia and that being late is part of her everyday life. Tea was at 4pm - IMO, plenty of time to be able to get up and dressed and travel 20 minutes down the road. She had also now text saying she ‘doesn’t need us lot’ who I guess she refers to us lot being myself, my DH and our three children.
What would you do? Was DH being unreasonable to expect them to turn up or at least say sorry?

OP posts:
Onecabbage · 21/01/2019 08:31

Just say dinners at 3 if you want to eat at 4

ReflectentMonatomism · 21/01/2019 08:31

your DM is always late, do what most normal people do in these situations, pretend your meal
Is at 3. Or serve it at 5.

It’s always easy to tell in these threads who the persistantly late are. Normal people turn up in time, and expect the same from others.

Ultramic · 21/01/2019 08:38

Your DM was childish. Fine, lateness happens, but if she'd just apologised then your DH wouldn't have bought it up.

Sounds like she expects the world to revolve around her.

Hsmumma · 21/01/2019 08:47

I don’t understand why people are not understanding why it’s annoying. I invite my parents/in-laws all the time and I say what time we’re having tea as it’s generally to suit the toddler in the house. They then arrive 30/60 min before to spend time with us all. I don’t get why they don’t just say oh we are running late sorry. I definitely think In the future you tell them an earlier time. It’s really difficult to entertain a hangry toddler.

VoteForPedrosLlama · 21/01/2019 08:51

Leave her to stew, then keep contact to a minimum and no more invites.

LakieLady · 21/01/2019 09:17

We give the time dinner will be served- and this is the time the meal is going on the table. We normally turn up couple of hours before anyway-

I think turning up early, especially that early, is just as rude as turning up late.

Anyone rocking up at our house 2 hours before the appointed time would likely find the house like a pigsty and me still in my pyjamas prepping food.

greenelephantscarf · 21/01/2019 09:21

tbh I wouldn't have waited with eating.
so rude.

NewPapaGuinea · 21/01/2019 09:24

Sunday roast in our family is always about 16:30. It rarely happens but it someone is late, I encourage the meal to start and they can just have theirs when they arrive. I’m not waiting for anyone.

Pretty terrible for them to be 2.5 hours late. If I was invited where it started at 14:00, I’d be there about 14:15.

FairlyConstantNameChanger · 21/01/2019 09:27

Hsmumma, I totally understand it is annoying. However, I would have sucked it up. Meals with my parents and my kids are all about trying to get to the end of it without having an argument, eyerolling from my parents etc. Basically my aim is for us all to get along until they leave and I would be beyond annoyed if my DH deliberately picked a fight. Especially with people who had given us money Shock.

That said I would not have waited to eat with toddlers either. I would at least have fed them.

DontdoitDoris · 21/01/2019 09:32

If you read the OP -everyone was invited to come earlier Lakie and still the dm rocked up late .
She didnt forget and rush there 20 minutes late -she was deliberately late .
On her DDs birthday Hmm

dustarr73 · 21/01/2019 09:37

Your DH is wrong to create or exacerbate problem during your birthday meal

No hes not,he stood up for his wife.And he didnt create the problem the DM did by being 2 1/2 hours late

Barreleyefish · 21/01/2019 09:42

Your DH says he won’t cook for her again. That’s a very good idea. If someone has made you a meal the least you can do is show up on time to enjoy it. Your DM is pulling the whole you don’t understand/appreciate/value me nonsense and shouldn’t be pandered to. Fibromyalgia is nothing to do with her lateness but inconsiderateness and manipulation are. Your DH should have bitten his lip as it was your birthday and it wasn’t fair on you to tackle it then but I think he has every reason not to cook for her again and she did need to know how rude her lateness is. If you are running late then at least phone to apologise and tell you to serve up as the kids will be needing to eat etc.

diddl · 21/01/2019 09:45

"Meals with my parents and my kids are all about trying to get to the end of it without having an argument, eyerolling from my parents etc."

Why bother then-doesn't sound as if anyone wants to be there?

hellsbellsmelons · 21/01/2019 09:51

Ignore her now.
Getting in touch will just be giving her the green light to carry on being inconsiderate.
Stop enabling that.
As and when she is ready to talk then you can do that.
When she comes round again then don't wait for her.
Just dish up as you would at 4pm and if she misses it and has to have re-heated dinner without you lot then that is how it is.
She'll soon learn!
But for now - block her on FB and ignore!

MoreCheeseDear · 21/01/2019 09:52

Leave her to wallow in self pity. She doesn't enhance your life at all.

Weenurse · 21/01/2019 09:54

Happy birthday 💐🍾

Pissedoffdotcom · 21/01/2019 09:54

Another struggling to see why you would invite your family round for a meal if you don't actually enjoy it 🤔

ChangoMutney · 21/01/2019 10:05

I think the best reasonable reply to her text is “ok, we’ll be here when you’ve grown up. Don’t loose contact with your df but don’t let her use him as a middleman. I understand the desire to have a normal Mum, I tell myself to let that go because it’s when they do or say things that prove they’re not the Mum you’d like it hurts you again and again. Easier said than done of course.

Pinkblanket · 21/01/2019 10:24

Wow, that sounds awful, and on your birthday.

She was actually invited to come at 2pm, with the meal to be served at 4pm? If we're getting together for a family meal we would also normally arrange to get together an hour or two before the food is served. No stress then if someone is running late and plenty of time to catch up before we eat. I am one of the perpetually late in life and have never yet managed to arrive after food has been served.

I'm shocked by her further responses, I hope you aren't too upset.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2019 10:29

I do sympathise. My DM is one of life's eternal 'late' people. I just tell her earlier times to get her where she needs to be on time. Some people are just incapable of keeping track of time, as infuriating as it is.

Shame she couldn't have made more of an effort for your birthday. Next time (if there is a next time), serve up when you say you're going to. If they walk in and everyone has finished, then tough.

I'm not sure your DH ranting at her in front of everyone else was called for though.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 21/01/2019 10:32

A dh who sticks up for his dw!! And he is getting called for it!! His house, his meal, his dw. Op he is a star!!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/01/2019 10:39

I am rather proud of your DH OP! I don;t blame him a bit...he was right she was totally rude. Have you got 10k? can you get 10k? I would rather be skint forever than have that chucked at me ..I would raise it somehow and give it back and tell her to sort herself out as you will not be held to randsome by her or anyone else. Please ignore her and her tantrumming it will only fuel her and in my opinion you have nothing to apologise for...She sounds a complete waste of space...However keep up relations with your father as the poor man seems embarrassed and mortified by her behaviour and its not his fault....She will either come round or not ,,and that is not your problem to take on....however do not engage with her in the meantime just ignore and carry on your life as before...

MaMaMaMySharona · 21/01/2019 11:02

One of the things that I cannot stand in life is lateness. Fair enough if you get stuck in traffic or something else comes up which is unavoidable, but to be late just because you can't manage your time - and especially without letting someone know you're going to be late in advance - is rude.

I've read all your updates and personally would ignore her texts - she wants you/ your DH to apologise and she will never stop behaving like this if you do. She will realise her error soon enough and I expect will reach out in a few days to resolve...

CoughLaughFart · 21/01/2019 12:04

Oh my God, I cannot believe your husband chastised your mother😱 if your DM is always late, do what most normal people do in these situations, pretend your meal
Is at 3. Or serve it at 5. Your DH was being VU - actually he was very rude.

I would be beyond annoyed if my DH deliberately picked a fight. Especially with people who had given us money Shock

I’m struggling with how many people think the OP’s husband is the one in the wrong. As for suggesting the money prevents any criticism of bad behaviour, I wonder how you would react if, every time you had an issue with someone who’d been generous to you in the past, they shut you down with ‘But I did this for you’. It’s not like they turned up late and said ‘By the way, here’s ten grand’, only for the husband to say ‘Go fuck yourselves - you shouldn’t have been late’.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 21/01/2019 12:46

yes Cough , I don't think most "normal people" would blindly ignore the fact that they were around 2 hours late for the visit and around 30 minutes late for the meal itself! Why should she not be chastised just because she is the mother?

I would think that most "normal people" would be mortified to be late for a meal, and would text in advance to give their apologies. Seeing as DM did none of those things, it is quite clear that she did not give a toss about the fact that she was ruining her DD's birthday meal.

There is no way that DH is in the wrong here, it was about time that somebody called DM up on her repeated bad manners and attitude.

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