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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect parents to turn up on time for dinner?

217 replies

Journea · 20/01/2019 19:23

It’s my birthday and my DH and I cooked lunch for us, our three children, my parents, brother, SIL and 12 month old niece. Long story short but my parents are constantly late whenever we cook (we cook and host a lot of times throughout the year.) We’d told everyone we were eating at 4pm. Brother and family turn up nice early - all good here. Parents turn up at 4:30pm. No apology. They just come in and sit down. OH had held off serving up until they arrived but was annoyed as he kept muttering under his breath and to me. In the end, it all came out and he told my parents a few home truths about how he’s sick of being walked on, expected to cook dinner for everyone and them not having the decency to turn up on time or say sorry. He was angry.
Anyhow, DM 5 minutes later storms out, saying she’s going home and slams our front door on her way out, leaving DF here. My brother then receives a text saying to tell my DH to remember that she gave us £10k when my Nanny passed away and how she’s treated us to meals out over the years and that she never wants to speak to him again. So my first AIBU is that does giving people money warrant an excuse for constant lateness and lack of manners?
I received a text message saying that we need to remember that she suffers from fibromyalgia and that being late is part of her everyday life. Tea was at 4pm - IMO, plenty of time to be able to get up and dressed and travel 20 minutes down the road. She had also now text saying she ‘doesn’t need us lot’ who I guess she refers to us lot being myself, my DH and our three children.
What would you do? Was DH being unreasonable to expect them to turn up or at least say sorry?

OP posts:
costacoffeecup · 20/01/2019 20:28

Happy birthday by the way!

Whisky2014 · 20/01/2019 20:29

Wow she sounds unhinged.

LooseSeal2 · 20/01/2019 20:29

Happy birthday OP, birthday twin! It’s my mil who is always late. Xmas day was her last offence, like yours she arrived 2 hours late. She didn’t even try to make an excuse, said she was visiting people but should have set off earlier - she lives 5 minutes away.

FunshineCareBear · 20/01/2019 20:31

Yanbu. It's rude and entitled. It is NOT your responsibility to tell them an earlier time blah blah blah.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 20/01/2019 20:32

we need to remember that she suffers from fibromyalgia and that being late is part of her everyday life

It is part of HER everyday life and no doubt there will be days when she is in too much pain to do much.

But this wasn't just any old "everyday" . So either make an effort to get there on time or be civil enough to let you know she was running late . And you could have decided wether to serve up keeping theirs back or put the time back.

I have very little patience with bad time keeping but , in my line of work I do have to work round people who turn up late . I will work round them though. Chances are they have to wait for me to see them (which may well be in my lunch break)
I don't have a truck with this telling them 30 minutes earlier , I've had people who are serial late comers who miraculously turn up on time or even early ... then get the hump. They never seem to think "Oh , I've kept someone else waiting often enough , " .. Hmm

Your DH was a tad unreasonable but maybe this will be the Epiphany?

eddielizzard · 20/01/2019 20:32

I also have family, and a couple of friends who turn up late. We are brutal now. We tell them when they're expected and when we'll eat and we stick to it. They've gotten better. But it's much more than that in your mum's case. She has reacted out of proportion. Completely. Your poor dad.

FunshineCareBear · 20/01/2019 20:33

Even ruder when it was a special occasion

Moussemoose · 20/01/2019 20:34

This has really annoyed me!

She didn't have to buy, she didn't have to chop or prepare, she didn't have to cook, she didn't have to lay the table, she didn't have to tidy the house, she didn't have to sort drinks out, she had to do nothing but arrive on time!

I'm with DH he had every right to be annoyed.

And all the posters excusing this, when you are late no one thinks you are reasonable and cute, no matter how polite your hosts are you are just being rude.

countrygirl99 · 20/01/2019 20:34

YANBU peoplecwho are habitually late are my pet hate. Just reply "ok" to the text.

Journea · 20/01/2019 20:37

@Mummyshark2018 I agree with all you say there. I wish we’d never accepted the money 7 years ago when I was pregnant with our first DS. She’s always going to throw it back in our faces so I think the best thing to do would be to come up with a repayment plan to pay her it back so we can’t be guilt tripped anymore. The thing is, money to her is just paper. She has a diabetic dog whom she’s spent £15k on in the past year with vets bills (no insurance due to the diabetes she’s told us.) She’s maxed out credit cards to find this. I just don’t understand her and this is going away from the OP, but I just want a mum who cares enough about her daughter to want to come over and spend time with me on my birthday.

OP posts:
Journea · 20/01/2019 20:38

@LooseSeal2 Happy birthday! I hope you had a better day...!

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 20/01/2019 20:38

No im with your DH on this one,hes allowed to be annoyed.
Your DM sounds like my mam,lists all the things shes ever done for you,but cant remember to be on time.

Let your dm stew,dont engage.Treat her like a toddler.

wheneverythinggoestitsup · 20/01/2019 20:39

We have dinner at my parents every Sunday or they here. We give the time dinner will be served- and this is the time the meal is going on the table. We normally turn up couple of hours before anyway- but would never turn up after the time given barring an emergency.

I agree with posters that you should have just served the meal at the time stated whether they are there or not.
I can fully understand why your DH was annoyed- especially as this isn't a one off.

IsItThatTimeAgain · 20/01/2019 20:41

"Journea

I think it’s bevause we asked them to come over mid afternoon and that food would be served at 4pm so actually, they were 2 1/2 hours late but turned up 30 minutes after food was meant to be served."

In that case your mother was being rude and unreasonable. As long as your DH didn't call her an entitled cunt then I don't think he was out of line. Tbf though she does sound like a selfish entitled immature cunt. I'd just block her, she can talk to herself.

LagunaBubbles · 20/01/2019 20:43

I take it this is a pattern of bad behaviour from get, it's not just about being late? She sounds histrionic.

shortgreengiraffe · 20/01/2019 20:43

@Journea it's really tough dealing with persistently late people. I was married to one and I never managed to change him. The only way I could cope was by, as far as possible, not letting it impact on my plans. So if he wanted a lift into town and didn't get ready before I wanted to meet my friends I wouldn't change my plans, he would have to sort himself out..etc

As for the immediate situation which must be very sad for you on your birthday (Happy Birthday, btw!). Your mum is clearly very angry and nothing is going to fix that today. If I were you I would ignore her messages for how and let her calm down. And then, once the dust has settled, you and your DH contact her jointly and say that your DH is sorry for speaking the way he did but that you were both very upset that they had arrived so late, without warning, and spoiling the meal for others and that you would like her to make more effort to rectify that in future.

mcmooberry · 20/01/2019 20:44

It's horrible when something like this happens, you feel all shaky and rubbish and I hope some of the replies are making you feel better. It was the height of bad manners for your DM to turn up late and no wonder your DH was pissed off. Hopefully your DM will reflect on her part in this, bringing up the 10K was ridiculous!!

Journea · 20/01/2019 20:44

@dustarr73 Yes. Exactly this. She just tries to now guilt trip me. She’s 63 for heaven’s sake. She simply has never grown up. I love her because she’s my mum and have always tried to bite my tongue and be polite but inside, I am deeply saddened by how she acts.

OP posts:
cstaff · 20/01/2019 20:45

I have to say OP that being late for anything is one of my pet hates in life. It just shows a complete lack of respect for other people and their time I.e. our time is much more valuable than yours. Good on your husband- this was obviously a build up of this happening numerous times over the years and tbh I don't blame him one bit.

Your mother on the other hand sounds a bit controlling-it's her way or the high way. Don't be too hard on your husband.

Journea · 20/01/2019 20:47

@shortgreengiraffe yes, this. This is what needs to happen. It feels like a make or break situation ... do we just agree that she will never change and keep her in our lives for the sake of our children, who are 5, 3 and 1. Or, do we say enough is enough and no more? She’s my mum and I’d feel so guilty if the latter option but actually, would I feel relieved?

OP posts:
quizqueen · 20/01/2019 20:48

Your DF has admitted your DM was late on purpose as she didn't plan her day accordingly so it's about time she was called out for her regular poor behaviour. I'm sure she'll calm down but, if not, then just invite your dad next time and let her stew for a while. In future, tell your guests an hour earlier and serve the meal when you intended to and, if people haven't arrived then, let their meal go cold. I had guests arrive 3 hours late once with no apology. I never invited them again as I had rearranged the day to suit them in the first place.

SaucyJack · 20/01/2019 20:48

Quite honestly, she sounds like a horrible horrible person to send that last text to her own child on her birthday.

I’m sorry you didn’t have a nicer Mum.

Happy birthday dude xx

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 20/01/2019 20:50

YANBU OP, you invited them over early afternoon with a meal at 4pm. To turn up later than 4 was extremely rude.

DH should have served the meal at 4 and assumed that they weren’t coming and left theirs on the side.

My dad would order my mum to get dinner at 1pm then turn up much later, sometimes 2pm. When I got older I told her to serve dinner at 1pm regardless of whether he came in or not, as why should the rest of us be kept waiting? He soon amended his ways when he realised he had lost the control over her.

Your mum is selfish, expecting the world to revolve around her. The fact she gave you money is irrelevant to any other issue.

Workissueshelp · 20/01/2019 20:51

I agree with DH he’d obviously had enough.

Poloshot · 20/01/2019 20:53

The height of rudeness being late. She's embarrassed about being called out on it. Leave her to it.