To expect parents to turn up on time for dinner?

[Journea]

It’s my birthday and my DH and I cooked lunch for us, our three children, my parents, brother, SIL and 12 month old niece. Long story short but my parents are constantly late whenever we cook (we cook and host a lot of times throughout the year.) We’d told everyone we were eating at 4pm. Brother and family turn up nice early - all good here. Parents turn up at 4:30pm. No apology. They just come in and sit down. OH had held off serving up until they arrived but was annoyed as he kept muttering under his breath and to me. In the end, it all came out and he told my parents a few home truths about how he’s sick of being walked on, expected to cook dinner for everyone and them not having the decency to turn up on time or say sorry. He was angry.
Anyhow, DM 5 minutes later storms out, saying she’s going home and slams our front door on her way out, leaving DF here. My brother then receives a text saying to tell my DH to remember that she gave us £10k when my Nanny passed away and how she’s treated us to meals out over the years and that she never wants to speak to him again. So my first AIBU is that does giving people money warrant an excuse for constant lateness and lack of manners?
I received a text message saying that we need to remember that she suffers from fibromyalgia and that being late is part of her everyday life. Tea was at 4pm - IMO, plenty of time to be able to get up and dressed and travel 20 minutes down the road. She had also now text saying she ‘doesn’t need us lot’ who I guess she refers to us lot being myself, my DH and our three children.
What would you do? Was DH being unreasonable to expect them to turn up or at least say sorry?

People that are always late are the worst type of entitled CFs that expect the world to wait for them.

Half and hour is hardly a long delay and if I invited people for 4pm, I would never expect to serve food at 4pm. I think YABU and also come across as very dismissive of your DM’s fibromyalgia which can be very debilitating and not particularly grateful for your DM’s 10k present.

They weren’t just 30 minutes late. They knew dinner was at 4 with an arrival for pre-dinner social time prior to that.

It would have been better to speak to them privately about the chronic lateness, but since this wasn’t the first incident and you failed to address it on prior occasions, I’m not surprised that your husband snapped.

I don't think it's normal to be 30 min late for a dinner invitation.
Besides the parents were told they were eating at that time, not to come for that time. They were advised when the meal was being served and to arrive earlier along with the other guests.

Would people show up 30 min late for a dinner appointment at a restaurant? It's no different!

Apologies, I cross posted with your update. If they were 2.5 hours late and your DM was wasting time then YANBU...but you did drip feed a bit.

DMs fibromyalgia didn’t stop her walking the dogs in the field. Excuses. Excuses.

This is my thinking, too. If I booked a table at a restaurant, I wouldn’t expect it to be held for me.

My parents are like this! Everything is done to their schedule. If she gets called out on it she just blames my dad 🙄

YANBU. OK your DH should have bitten is tongue but you did nothing wrong. She knows she’s in the wrong and was embarrassed and that’s why she’s having her little temper tantrum. She was unnecessarily horrible especially bringing up money etc.

Is she usually this melodramatic?

Im really confused what meal you were serving at 4pm
Totally missing the point of the thread btw!

Its very annoying -would it work to say 3.30 andx serve at 4?

God, I'm glad I'm not cooking for those of you who think it's perfectly to rock up 30 minutes after the meal is PLANNED TO BE SERVED.
The OP didn't say "come at 4pm" she said they were serving the meal at 4. Anybody with any manners would turn up at 3.30, or 3.45 at the absolute latest

I also suspect that the OP's dh was frustrated as it wasn't a one off and happens all the time. It must be really annoying, esp if he'd been cooking all afternoon and wanted a special meal for his wife's birthday.

It would annoy me.

Dh didn’t pick a good time but he isn’t U. Why didn’t your dad ring when they were clearly going to be v late? Or why didn’t you ring and check they’d remembered once it got to 2 hours after you were expecting them.

Your mum is at fault though. No excuses for her behaviour.

Your dm was rude. I would even say she was being manipulative. So your poor dc had to wait to eat because she couldn’t be arsed to get to yours in Time?

Nice one gm.

Yes, she’s typically this way and we should’ve known better, but we keep trying for the sake of our children, who do love their grandparents. We have to constantly bite our tongues but enough was enough. We weren’t even going to host a meal today but DF had messaged to ask if we were and so, we did because we felt bad not doing so. Well, that backfired...

4pm is quite a common time for Sunday lunch in our family as we often get up late, eat brunch around 11am then the main meL between 3-4pm.

If someone told me food was served at 4pm then barring unexpected emergency I’d aim to be there by 3.45pm latest. If I was told mid afternoon to eat at 4pm I’d arrive around 3-3.30pm.

It’s very rude to be so late.

YANBU. Some of my family do this and it’s beyond rude. Your parents were probably thinking ‘4pm is far too early for dinner’ and just turned up late deliberately so you would all eat later. This is spectacularly inconsiderate to the host/cook and especially as you have young children who might have a schedule to eat to or go into meltdown. No wonder your DH was annoyed. I don’t think they will be late again! (If there is a next time).

not particularly grateful for your DM’s 10k present.

But is it really a present when it’s trotted out as a guilt trip every time there’s a family argument? How much bad behaviour does £10k buy?

YABU to serve a meal at 4pm unless it's a children's party.

How can so many posters think that OP's DM was NOT being unreasonable? She is being so unreasonable and childish. Do not apologise. Back your DH.

if they are always late then why tell them 4 for dinner, you should know better . . . this whole fandango is simply avoided by telling them an hour earlier.

What Troubador has said. This is hope I dealt with a persistent "latie".

Then they seemed to suss out what I was doing and began to turn up later again.

However, it was good while it lasted - and when it stopped it just meant they got no dinner or a cold dinner, because we served up whether they were there or not.

It was "just their way". (DON'T get me started on people whose appalling behaviour is "just their way". No - I mean it. Just DON'T! )

YABU to serve a meal at 4pm unless it's a children's party.

Why?

If the OP’s mum didn’t like the time she could have just declined the invitation. There is nothing wrong with 4pm on a Sunday.

OMG - OP, are we related?? My "D"M was exactly the same. The only difference is that nobody dared call her out on it, and she continued to create chaos with mealtimes and cooking. She was, and is, rude, entitled and inconsiderate. Your DH was absolutely right to tell her how it is. She will never learn unless some home truths are laid on the table.

Being late is a form of control, and attention-hogging. Everyone is waiting around for important you to arrive.

Oh, and @Vivaldi1678, is that necessary? No. Go crack on with your own dinner then.

I tell me dh 30 mins, even an hour ahead of when he's really needed as he's always late - saves a lot of arguments. For our European friends we do similarly as we know about their timekeeping (3 different countries all consistently late) but of the same friendship group we tell the English ones the real time!

Not worth fighting over however annoying