To expect parents to turn up on time for dinner?

[Journea]

It’s my birthday and my DH and I cooked lunch for us, our three children, my parents, brother, SIL and 12 month old niece. Long story short but my parents are constantly late whenever we cook (we cook and host a lot of times throughout the year.) We’d told everyone we were eating at 4pm. Brother and family turn up nice early - all good here. Parents turn up at 4:30pm. No apology. They just come in and sit down. OH had held off serving up until they arrived but was annoyed as he kept muttering under his breath and to me. In the end, it all came out and he told my parents a few home truths about how he’s sick of being walked on, expected to cook dinner for everyone and them not having the decency to turn up on time or say sorry. He was angry.
Anyhow, DM 5 minutes later storms out, saying she’s going home and slams our front door on her way out, leaving DF here. My brother then receives a text saying to tell my DH to remember that she gave us £10k when my Nanny passed away and how she’s treated us to meals out over the years and that she never wants to speak to him again. So my first AIBU is that does giving people money warrant an excuse for constant lateness and lack of manners?
I received a text message saying that we need to remember that she suffers from fibromyalgia and that being late is part of her everyday life. Tea was at 4pm - IMO, plenty of time to be able to get up and dressed and travel 20 minutes down the road. She had also now text saying she ‘doesn’t need us lot’ who I guess she refers to us lot being myself, my DH and our three children.
What would you do? Was DH being unreasonable to expect them to turn up or at least say sorry?

yes Cough , I don't think most "normal people" would blindly ignore the fact that they were around 2 hours late for the visit and around 30 minutes late for the meal itself! Why should she not be chastised just because she is the mother?

I think that’s exactly what the mother has been relying on. If the OP had ever called her up on her behaviour I bet she’d have got the ‘How could you speak to your own mother like that?!’ routine. Her son-in-law obviously didn’t have the same qualms and she’s taken umbrage as a result.

We weren’t even going to host a meal today but DF had messaged to ask if we were and so

Your dad asked you if you were hosting/cooking dinner on YOUR birthday?

Do they host you and DH on THEIR birthday?!

And do you think hink DM put DF to asking you if you were hosting?

I would stop hosting them at all, they sound bloody ungrateful.

Some people are just incapable of keeping track of time

Of course they can, unless they have severe learning disabilities which would see them unable to read, write or form coherent sentences. It’s not that they can’t, it’s that they can’t be bothered. They are lazy and controlling. If have on a couple of occasions had people turn up late without apologising for events. I never organise anything with them ever again, and get rid of them socially as soon as possible. They are either complete fuckwits or they are rude beyond belief; why waste time and energy on either?

No one's time is more important than anyone elses. I hate lateness of any kind. It's disrespectful and rude.

I might not have used exactly the same words but agree with the OPs DH for objecting to the persistent lateness.

I'm with you DP. Good for him for sticking up for himself. And for you, in a way, because it was your birthday yet your mother tried to make the day about her.

Out of interest, what happens if you're late to anything she's invited you to? I suspect you're always early / on time, but I bet she'd be fuming if you held her up!

I planned to give this to my own habitually late to everything mother - Amazon.

My late DF was (Type 1) diabetic, and the severity of the condition meant that timing of meals was as important as correct quantities etc. My DM took this on board, and most wider family got the hang very quickly. A few habitual latecomers soon learned that she meant business! She was immune to huffing!
It's one thing to be unavoidably delayed; happens to the best of us, but deliberately creating drama is another matter.
I'm sure your DH would have reacted differently if 1) this wasn't a habit, 2) catering for them on this occasion wasn't your idea in the first place, 3) no apologetic text along the lines of "sorry, we're on our way, domestic emergency, just start without us, be there as soon as we can".
A really loving GM would also feel some concern about hungry toddlers and their growing grumpiness!
I'd count the unfriending on Facebook as a blessing in disguise; bet it's not long before you're reinstated as supplier of attention.

I serve at the planned time. If anyone is late, they are late and end up eating either nothing (Sorry, we thought you weren't coming) or microwaved food ( if they bother calling) oh and I do not get up and sort it for them either.
I got fed up of trying to accommodate everyone's poor time keeping whilst juggling two hungry kids and a hangry husband.
As to the money, just roll your eyes and say "You gifted us some of grans money because you thought that was what she would have wanted. Has she come to You in a dream and changed her mind or are you trying to deflect attention away from your behaviour?"
I'm with dh on this one.

People who give gifts do so for their own reasons. They should not expect unspecified payback which they can call on later. It is not a transaction or unwritten contract.

Also her health issue doesn't seem to be related. She is chucking all sorts of emotional blackmail and false reasons out there because she does not have the maturity to accept that your DH told her she was unreasonable to keep everyone waiting without warning.

YANBU

Your mother is obviously a very selfish, self absorbed and rude individual. Good on your DH for (finally) calling her out on it.

Don't run after and pander to her nonsense. It is up to her to make this right, so enjoy the bliss while it lasts.

It’s quite normal to arrive 30 mins after a meal invite
Only if you're incredibly rude, selfish and lacking in basic common decency.

I'd reply with "whatever". If it's good enough for teenagers...

Well done on your DH.

I hate lateness - by that I mean avoidable habitual, “it doesn’t matter does it” type lateness.

YANBU
People who are constantly late are just downright rude. I cannot abide it. Obviously sometimes it can’t be helped but it’s annoying and terribly rude.

My mother is someone who is always late.
I got fed up so if she wanted me to take her somewhere and I turned up and she wasn’t ready, I’d drive off.
If we’d planned to go for lunch or shopping and she wasn’t ready, I’d go alone.
I had a childcare issue once when my childminder was on hols. She offered to take DS to school. She was very put out when I told her my mil would do it because I couldn’t rely on her getting him to school on time.
It soon got better.

You should have eaten without them and not answered the door. Don’t bother calling these people out, just don’t tolerate it and carry on without them.

I once said on Reddit that I had no time for the permanent late and as you, just left them standing there. You wouldn’t believe the howls of cheeky fuckerdom from people blaming a wide range of ludicrous excuses for their inability to be on time and also their inability to phone ahead. If they spent as much effort learning to tell the time as make excuses think how much better their lives would be.

I don’t give late people a second chance. It never gets better.

So DM is having a tantrum.

Two can play at that. Wonder how that would go down

You could play her st her own game:

Send a guilt inducing woe is me text about how you expect family to be there for you, how a birthday of any family member is important to share, but that her behaviour has ruined the experience for you, and upset your dh and kids.

Then I’d get your dh to call her/your dad and lay it on thick about how disappointing and ungrateful after all the effort you’ve gone to for them only for them to rock up late - yet again.