To expect parents to turn up on time for dinner?

[Journea]

It’s my birthday and my DH and I cooked lunch for us, our three children, my parents, brother, SIL and 12 month old niece. Long story short but my parents are constantly late whenever we cook (we cook and host a lot of times throughout the year.) We’d told everyone we were eating at 4pm. Brother and family turn up nice early - all good here. Parents turn up at 4:30pm. No apology. They just come in and sit down. OH had held off serving up until they arrived but was annoyed as he kept muttering under his breath and to me. In the end, it all came out and he told my parents a few home truths about how he’s sick of being walked on, expected to cook dinner for everyone and them not having the decency to turn up on time or say sorry. He was angry.
Anyhow, DM 5 minutes later storms out, saying she’s going home and slams our front door on her way out, leaving DF here. My brother then receives a text saying to tell my DH to remember that she gave us £10k when my Nanny passed away and how she’s treated us to meals out over the years and that she never wants to speak to him again. So my first AIBU is that does giving people money warrant an excuse for constant lateness and lack of manners?
I received a text message saying that we need to remember that she suffers from fibromyalgia and that being late is part of her everyday life. Tea was at 4pm - IMO, plenty of time to be able to get up and dressed and travel 20 minutes down the road. She had also now text saying she ‘doesn’t need us lot’ who I guess she refers to us lot being myself, my DH and our three children.
What would you do? Was DH being unreasonable to expect them to turn up or at least say sorry?

I received a text message saying that we need to remember that she suffers from fibromyalgia and that being late is part of her everyday life.

I have fibromyalgia, CFS and arthritis. I am NEVER late. We have a family member who always does this, they even dictated what time they wanted me to serve Christmas dinner one year. They were still late. I dished it all up anyway and they came in and started eating when we were halfway through ours.

I don’t blame your DH For being annoyed, I always think those people who are late feel they are more important than you are and that you should wait for them. They aren’t, they are just rude. Sorry it ruined your birthday

I don't understand pandering to folk who are late. Especially if they are consistently late. They are grown ups ffs if they can't time manage how did they ever manage? Fwiw i have fibro & another condition that causes chronic fatigue & brain fog...you plan ahead if you know it's a rough day so that you aren't late!

I'm with your DH. Okay your birthday was a bad time to broach it but it has clearly been building up. I'd let her stew a bit. The bringing up the money thing is just crap

YABU for 30 minutes. All the underbreath muttering and snapping is v bad natured and over the top.

So your father knew 1/1.5 earlier that they would be late and didn't let you know?

Having grown up with a mother like this I can only echo a PP who said

"Being late is a form of control, and attention-hogging"

My (a narc beyond doubt...) does this to make sure she gets more control/attention. I now have a horror of being late thanks to a childhood where you were constantly embarrassed.... I am sure your DH has just had enough but unfortunately you have had the flounce and the 'poor little me' number... I don't think he did the wrong thing but I would be surprised if it changed anything....

There are small children eating at this meal.

Being late for a meal with adults is rude. It's not fashionable, or reasonable, or understandable it's just rude.

Being late for a meal where small children are expecting to eat is inexcusable.

Being late is rude. No ifs or buts or whining. It's rude.

**MyDcAreMarvel

It’s quite normal to arrive 30 mins after a meal invite, it’s not the norm to eat straight away.**

^Don’t talk rubbish. It is NOT normal and it is incredibly rude!

I thi k your dh over reacted and was quite rude. Sounds like your parents have given and done quite a lot for you.
Why not just tell them to be there 30 mins or an hour before you actually plan to serve food? If they are late every single time then would that not solve the problem?
But then I wouldn't call my parents and definitely not dh parent our for being 30 mins late because so wouldn't want yo start a whole big fall out over something so trivial, they are our parents after all.

It's like not RTFT is rude and then commenting. When you have not read the full thread. That's rude too.

Really interesting reading the points of view... can see both sides.
FWIW we eat at 4pm on a Sunday as we have a late breakfast, skip lunch then we can have tea an hour earlier and be done in time for bath and bed for the children. Just our thing!

DH is a very laid back man on the whole and I think parents have come to expect him to cook and clean up after them. Today, for some reason, was the straw which broke the camel’s back... possibly my fault as we weren’t going to host but ended up doing so.

DM is just a head case in many ways... she lives for her dogs. Last year, she came round to tell us all that she was leaving DF and kept coming over and saying so for several months and what her plan was etc then all of a sudden, she ‘couldn’t be bothered with the stress’ and was staying with DF after all.

Deep down, I’d just love a genuine DM.

If I were told that the meal would be served at 4pm, I'd plan to arrive around 3:30pm so that all the chit-chat and coat-shrugging is well done and dusted before the meal is served.

But I learnt to tell XMIL a time at least 30 minutes, often an hour, early - she was one of those people who are habitually late through bad planning. She'd still be ironing her outfit, that kind of thing.

@lucy101101 so very true... this is why I’m annoyed with DH in many ways, as it simply wot change anything.

I don’t understand the ‘tell them an hour earlier’ type of thinking. They are adults who can presumably tell the time, it’s incredibly rude and I agree, controlling to be late for everything. The fact that your mum is not owning this and making ridiculous excuses makes me think that she has control issues.

I reckon whatever you say to her, she won’t back down and this argument will be added to her list of things to hold against you.

@Moussemoose Thank you. I wish I’d put in my OP that we’d asked them to arrive at 2pm, knowing they’d be late and hoping they’d arrive by 3pm to spend some time with their grandchildren before eating at 4pm. I just needed to get it all out quickly. Lesson learnt there.

This annoys me. I just serve at time agreed. If you're not there then hard luck.

DM has text to say; I could not care a shit. Leave me alone. I am fed up with people thinking I am to blame. One day I am just going to disapear and leave you all to chat about your petty little lives. I'll turn my back on the lot of your squabbles and be out of it all. Good riddance.

Ok.

YANBU. And it sounds like for your OH it was the straw that broke the camels back. We have all been there haven't we? You spend ages working on something and want it to be nice then someone else's selfishness ruins it and they don't even care.

Telling them an hour earlier will not help. They will quickly learn that's what you are doing. Best thing to do is tell them the plans then carry on without them. So turning up at 4:30pm they would have missed on dinner. Having to deal with the consequences is the only way they might have a chance of learning.

@IWentAwayIStayedAway agreed. I think DH didn’t want them to miss out but then would himself up.

Some parents get to be real control freaks and feel they can call the shots as if you are still six years old. It's very disrespectful to arrive late for a meal and fybro is no real excuse. If she lives with it, she knows how long it takes to get ready to go out. DH spoke his mind inopportunely but the real fault is not with him but with DM who still wants to be Queen Bee.

My MIL is incapable of turning up anywhere on time and we just end up eating/going without her. Usually she is in our house at the time. After a couple of near misses with the children's stuff, we now just tell her we're leaving at xxx and if you're ready come with us. She probably makes it 25% of the time.

She's a grown woman and I'm not going to any further lengths to get her to be on time, its just rude, arrogant and inconsiderate to to be late.

@shortgreengiraffe Thank you. This is logical.

Hmm your updates have changed my opinion, your mother sounds unhinged. Still think it wasn’t your husband’s place to say anything to her, but her reaction does now seem disproportionate!

She's very childish isn't she. And a drama queen. If she's always like that I'm not surprised your dh finally cracked and told her a few home truths - good for him. All she had to do was turn up on time after all.

You're not being unreasonable. And I can well understand your husband being pee'd off that your parents couldn't show you and your birthday enough respect to get there in reasonable time

Agree with @shortgreengiraffe.
I would start without them, enjoy your family meal, leave theirs in the oven (to dry out) and then downplay the fact they're late. If they want to be part of the family meal and fun then they should make more of an effort. Your dh was right to be annoyed but I would've been annoyed at my dh if he dealt with my parents like this. I would've wanted to do it in a way that would get the best results and not cause a horrible atmosphere. Failing that just stop inviting them. Your dm was very unreasonable for throwing money in your face- I hate when people do that.