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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect parents to turn up on time for dinner?

217 replies

Journea · 20/01/2019 19:23

It’s my birthday and my DH and I cooked lunch for us, our three children, my parents, brother, SIL and 12 month old niece. Long story short but my parents are constantly late whenever we cook (we cook and host a lot of times throughout the year.) We’d told everyone we were eating at 4pm. Brother and family turn up nice early - all good here. Parents turn up at 4:30pm. No apology. They just come in and sit down. OH had held off serving up until they arrived but was annoyed as he kept muttering under his breath and to me. In the end, it all came out and he told my parents a few home truths about how he’s sick of being walked on, expected to cook dinner for everyone and them not having the decency to turn up on time or say sorry. He was angry.
Anyhow, DM 5 minutes later storms out, saying she’s going home and slams our front door on her way out, leaving DF here. My brother then receives a text saying to tell my DH to remember that she gave us £10k when my Nanny passed away and how she’s treated us to meals out over the years and that she never wants to speak to him again. So my first AIBU is that does giving people money warrant an excuse for constant lateness and lack of manners?
I received a text message saying that we need to remember that she suffers from fibromyalgia and that being late is part of her everyday life. Tea was at 4pm - IMO, plenty of time to be able to get up and dressed and travel 20 minutes down the road. She had also now text saying she ‘doesn’t need us lot’ who I guess she refers to us lot being myself, my DH and our three children.
What would you do? Was DH being unreasonable to expect them to turn up or at least say sorry?

OP posts:
Journea · 20/01/2019 21:50

@DeRigueurMortis That is exactly it... she would have truly thought that her need for use is time was the most important.

OP posts:
user1474894224 · 20/01/2019 21:51

YANBU nor was your DH. The issue is hers. My really rude DB turned up late for Christmas lunch. We put his on a plate. Then when discussing lateness after eating he had the gall to suggest that people who have a problem with lateness have the issue not him for being continually late. I kindly pointed out he's an a and that's why he can't sustain a relationship and walked away. I've learnt over 44 years you can't argue with self centred narcissist with undiagnosed PDA.

Journea · 20/01/2019 21:52

@JennyWoodentop Good advice. Lesson learnt ... she will always be late and never think she is rude for being so. She will never change. We will carry on and just have to accept it.

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 20/01/2019 21:54

Jenny - I like the "airport" test Grin

Journea · 20/01/2019 21:54

@RandomMess Very true. Ah my head is a mess 😩

OP posts:
Journea · 20/01/2019 21:56

... I’ve just checked and she’s deleted me as a friend, too. Oh my days.

OP posts:
Littleraindrop15 · 20/01/2019 21:58

To be honest the timing is a bit shit however I would be happy that my dh spoke out because.. The shit storm that is following would make me rethink my relationship with 'd' m.. Throwing the 10k that didn't even come from her technically and then sending lots of 'woe is me' texts would hack me off.

She doesn't value other people's time
She just came to eat and not actually spend any social time with you
She was 2.5hrs late wtf!!
She still thinks she's in the right and hasn't apologised
She slammed the door like a child

Let her stew in her own juices, don't text don't engage until you get a formal apology. Ignore everything she says and let her be the diva she will soon realise threatening to cut people off for speaking the truth and being manipulative will get her nowhere. Silence is the best remedy here.

Ps

I know it's been a crap day but happy birthday 🎂 and remember you have a wonderful husband who cooked for you and tried to make it special and took no shit from 'd' m and had your back x

Daffodil2018 · 20/01/2019 21:59

Oh my god Shock your mum is behaving like a stroppy teenager! I am with your DH - it is rude to turn up late with no apology.

pollyglot · 20/01/2019 22:00

Journea - she'll need you before you need her. Let it go. You don't need the stress. Yours is the narrative of my life, though mine is now 95 and still objectionable.

BumbleBeee69 · 20/01/2019 22:01

I hope you're supporting your DH OP Flowers

DeRigueurMortis · 20/01/2019 22:02

I'm not sure why your head is a mess tbh.

Your DM sounds like a self centred piece of work.

Your DH perhaps should have bitten his tongue but I can understand why he finally he snapped - especially if today's events demonstrate not just the issue of lateness but overall self centred and rude behaviour.

Aside from being late and the cause of the issue your DM failed to apologise and worse still escalated the situation still further (on your birthday) by flouncing out and sending awful text messages and now blocking your DH on FB.

It's all about her isn't it? Her time, her wants, her priorities and no one is allowed to criticise.

Tbh I'd pour yourself a drink, give your DH a hug and shut your mother out of your mind.

Today is about you, not her.

Let her tantrum without an audience....

BackforGood · 20/01/2019 22:08

Of course Y (and your dh) ANBU

Can't believe how many posters find it difficult to read an opening post either. The OP clearly stated to eat at 4.

Even if she hadn't, this: It’s quite normal to arrive 30 mins after a meal invite, it’s not the norm to eat straight away. is not, and never has been true in my world. That is incredibly rude. Hmm

As for the 'unfriending' - that demonstrates she has the maturity of an 8 yr old. Honestly.

The only thing YWBU (or your dh) was in not going ahead and eating at the time you had planned / the meal was ready.

I would still invite them to things, (after all, I feel for your DF in this), but make it clear that - if they aren't there on time you will go ahead and eat, or go ahead and leave (if you are going somewhere) if they aren't well mannered enough to turn up on time.

She can hardly blame her illness today if she was out with her dogs.

randomchap · 20/01/2019 22:14

Tell her that you're going to go round tomorrow at 6pm to discuss. Then turn up at 9. See how she likes it.

WitchDancer · 20/01/2019 22:20

Plain rude of her, I'm sorry that it happened on your birthday. For what it's worth I have Fibromyalgia and I never run late for anything, in fact I tend to run early as everything has to be really carefully planned.

TinyTimsCrutch · 20/01/2019 22:26

Let her stew in her own juices, don't text don't engage until you get a formal apology. Ignore everything she says and let her be the diva she will soon realise threatening to cut people off for speaking the truth and being manipulative will get her nowhere. Silence is the best remedy here
This
Happy Birthday x

Journea · 20/01/2019 22:29

@pollyglot I am sorry you have had the same. It’s very sad.

OP posts:
Journea · 20/01/2019 22:36

Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice. It has truly been thought provoking.

To be told by your own Mum that ‘she couldn’t give a s**t’ and ‘good riddance’ is hard to take but especially so because it’s my birthday and also because she obviously doesn’t care an ounce that this will ultimately mean that she doesn’t care about seeing her GC again. This is what I need to think about now. Do I bother to make contact and talk it out (but I truly believe she would never understand why DH was so upset) or just move on with my life and cut her out?

OP posts:
Miane · 20/01/2019 22:43

You Mum is having a tantrum.

Great it just like you would treat a toddler. Ignore. Don’t reward bad behaviour.

Next time - serve when you say you will. They can heat their plates up when they arrive.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 20/01/2019 22:43

She's unfriended you on Facebook.

Let's just take a moment to let the absolute childishness of her behaviour sink in....

I'm sorry OP. Clearly, mothers (and grandmothers) are not supposed to behave like this. Some people aren't good at being parents, and she is one of these people.

Littleraindrop15 · 20/01/2019 22:48

I would take a step back.. Emotions are running high and yes lots of horrible stuff by her has been said. Ignore her for a week don't reply to anything complete radio silence.. See if she tries to text and make amends by the end of the week if she doesn't you know your answer.

Personally, I would be going low contact until I know whether or not I want to be in this toxic relationship

FairlyConstantNameChanger · 20/01/2019 22:55

Really interesting to read all these replies. Sorry OP, it is really shit for you to have to deal with this on your birthday.

Going against the majority I would be absolutely furious with my DH and would consider him to have been very unreasonable. I would do everything I could to keep the peace on my birthday and would have briefed my DH and kids sternly not to do anything to upset my parents even though this is unavoidable.

Especially with children around. Especially if DM has given money in the past.

That said, my parents can be a nightmare and I find it so, so stressful trying to keep the peace when they visit.

MzHz · 20/01/2019 22:56

Sweetheart, don’t panic.

This is a petulant child kicking on the floor in a massive tantrum

Ignore
Ignore
Ignore

Let her get on with it

When you don’t pander to her, she’ll back down

You were not being unreasonable

Neither was your dh. He just wanted a nice day for you on your birthday!

shortgreengiraffe · 20/01/2019 23:01

OP you need a bit of time to think which sounds like exactly what you are doing.

This isn't about her being late for dinner any more, it's about her lack of care.

She is like a fire and you need to decide if you want to douse her in water or starve her of oxygen.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 20/01/2019 23:06

Do NOT pay the money back. It won't make her a nice person. It won't make her on time. It will give her another thing (ingratitude) to add to her list of your "crimes".

Maintain your (presumably good?) relationship with your Dad and let her stew.

Happy birthday Flowers

RedTulip86 · 20/01/2019 23:08

Your mother is bonkers, rude and values you less than her dogs. She couldn’t even get herself sorted on your birthday. Happy Birthday OP

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