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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect parents to turn up on time for dinner?

217 replies

Journea · 20/01/2019 19:23

It’s my birthday and my DH and I cooked lunch for us, our three children, my parents, brother, SIL and 12 month old niece. Long story short but my parents are constantly late whenever we cook (we cook and host a lot of times throughout the year.) We’d told everyone we were eating at 4pm. Brother and family turn up nice early - all good here. Parents turn up at 4:30pm. No apology. They just come in and sit down. OH had held off serving up until they arrived but was annoyed as he kept muttering under his breath and to me. In the end, it all came out and he told my parents a few home truths about how he’s sick of being walked on, expected to cook dinner for everyone and them not having the decency to turn up on time or say sorry. He was angry.
Anyhow, DM 5 minutes later storms out, saying she’s going home and slams our front door on her way out, leaving DF here. My brother then receives a text saying to tell my DH to remember that she gave us £10k when my Nanny passed away and how she’s treated us to meals out over the years and that she never wants to speak to him again. So my first AIBU is that does giving people money warrant an excuse for constant lateness and lack of manners?
I received a text message saying that we need to remember that she suffers from fibromyalgia and that being late is part of her everyday life. Tea was at 4pm - IMO, plenty of time to be able to get up and dressed and travel 20 minutes down the road. She had also now text saying she ‘doesn’t need us lot’ who I guess she refers to us lot being myself, my DH and our three children.
What would you do? Was DH being unreasonable to expect them to turn up or at least say sorry?

OP posts:
SaturdayNext · 20/01/2019 20:54

Im really confused what meal you were serving at 4pm

Me too. Surely that was tea/supper, not lunch?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 20/01/2019 20:54

The £10,000 was a gift rather than a loan?

Gifts are tied with ribbons not strings attached .

Journea · 20/01/2019 20:55

@SaucyJack Thank you.

OP posts:
Journea · 20/01/2019 20:58

@SaturdayNext lol I’ve honestly never thought of it as weird before! We’ve just done it that way the past few years because we have late breakfast, skip lunch but tea at the usual 5pm is too late. 4pm works well as the kids are hungry enough to eat a decent Sunday lunch but not too tired. We don’t need to rush eating it then to be ready for bath and bedtime at 7pm. Just our crazy way!

OP posts:
tillytrotter1 · 20/01/2019 21:00

It’s quite normal to arrive 30 mins after a meal invite, it’s not the norm to eat straight away

If you're told We're eating at 4pm then it's downright rude to be deliberately late.
I wouldn't play with times, if they can't be bothered to get there on time they can eat what's left, cold.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 20/01/2019 21:01

Your dm is a bloody diva!!
Having a medical condition should not make you a rude entitled person.

She gave you granny's cash. Not her own. Your dh sounds ace btw.

Journea · 20/01/2019 21:02

@70isaLimitNotaTarget yes, it was a gift. It came from my Nanny’s estate. I was very close to my Nanny, she was like my mum. She passed away the month before I found out I was pregnant. We had been TTC for 18 months and my mum said at the time, that Nanny would have wanted to help us, which she would have done. She was the type of Nanny whom I’ve always wished my own children had. Saying that, my DC do love my mum.

OP posts:
Journea · 20/01/2019 21:03

@Aprilshowersarecomingsoon he’ll appreciate that 😊

OP posts:
melj1213 · 20/01/2019 21:03

I don't understand the people who expect people to arrive after the time specified by the hosts that the meal will be served.

If I am invited for dinner and told to come round after 5pm then I will aim to be there by 5.15pm at the latest and expect dinner to be served at around 5.30pm. However if the invite is to come for dinner and that dinner will be served at 5pm then I will be aiming to arrive by 4.45pm at the latest.

The invite clearly stated that you would be serving the meal at 4pm, not that they should arrive then. They knew when the meal was to be served and should have sorted their schedule to arrive before 4pm.

BumbleBeee69 · 20/01/2019 21:09

I don't think you DH was unreasonable atall, your Mother on the other hand sounds unbearable. Flowers

however, now you can celebrate your Birthday dinners without anyone turning up late. Bonus Grin

Aragog · 20/01/2019 21:13

It's fairly usual in many places to have a Sunday lunch/dinner around 3-4pm.
Normally there is brunch around 11ish beforehand, then maybe a light supper an hour or so before bed in the evening.

Not everywhere in the country uses the terms lunch, dinner and tea in the same way either.

Dragongirl10 · 20/01/2019 21:13

I'm with you op, l hate lateness it is so rude......your DM is out of order

However not everyone feels like this, l have a good friend who is incapable of being on time so to avoid hard feelings, l always say an hour earlier than l want to meet....and wait for the inevitable text...on my way, ...half an hour after the time we agreed.

lucy101101 · 20/01/2019 21:14

I also meant to say that I felt that it was fine and probably very good that your DH spoke up... your DM was late for the meal he prepared. Just because I believed it wouldn't change anything doesn't mean that he shouldn't say anything. I am sorry if you are being guilt tripped... but it goes with the territory unfortunately.... in my experience you can only move beyond this when they aren't able to guilt trip you anymore! My mother has truly learnt that she can't manipulate me... and if she pulls her stunts then she can't be in our lives... it was very painful but I am much happier now!

Ethel36 · 20/01/2019 21:14

If they're always late just tell them to be there an hour before, the real time. I don't think your husband should have told her off. It ruined your birthday and made your mother go home. I've had guests arrive an hour late but I wouldn't say anything. It's not worth falling out over, just make up.

diddl · 20/01/2019 21:15

I should imagine that your husband was also pissed off for you Op.

How humiliating that your mum can't even make an effort for your bday,

Is it some attention seeking/every event must be about her/them thing?

adreamofspring · 20/01/2019 21:17

OP it’s your birthday and your mum sent you a text saying ‘good riddance’ could you ever do that to your own child on their birthday? She’s beyond help and I think your DH is a saint for putting up with things as long as he has. It sounds like there is much more to the poor treatment and controlling behaviour than being late. Happy Birthday! I hope you can enjoy it now that you know you’ll get some peace and quiet for a bit!!!

RandomMess · 20/01/2019 21:18

Why do you think it will be good to inflict your DM bad behaviour on your DC? They will grow up knowing she doesn't really love them, like you know she doesn't really love you...

She will spoil their birthday celebrations try and steal the limelight etc. Her text messages are very revealing.

nocoolnamesleft · 20/01/2019 21:19

If I had an invite for dinner at 4pm, I'd probably assume that the plan was for drinks/chat/nibbles for an hour or two before eating at something resembling a mealtime. 4pm is too late for the middle of the day meal, and too early for the evening meal, so I'd be completely confused.

Bloodybridget · 20/01/2019 21:25

The invitation was not to arrive at 4pm, it was to eat at 4pm. Honestly, is it so hard for people to read and understand an OP?

diddl · 20/01/2019 21:25

Tbh, I hate this "if they are always late tell them the wrong time.

No-they're bloody adults, they can get their fucking arses into gear as I should imagine that they do for work or appointments that they deem important enough.

DeRigueurMortis · 20/01/2019 21:30

If your DM is always late, I'd suggest the reason your DH finally snapped was because it was your birthday.

I know the timing was poor and he should have probably adopted a different tactic (as per PP's I'd have served the meal on time and made them wait until everyone else had finished, pudding included, before giving them microwaved leftovers they could eat by themselves in the dining room whilst everyone else retired to the drawing room) my guess is that he took the view that not making an effort on this special occasion was really extremely rude (which it was).

Your DM reacted like she did because she knows she's in the wrong and using anything she can think of to deflect from her rudeness (illness/money etc).

Truth is she valued her time and what she wanted to do over everyone else. Illness wasn't a factor here.

She wanted to be in a field playing with the dogs and then have shower on her schedule and didn't care if a meal was spoilt and if 7 other people went hungry (including children) waiting for her.

If someone is kind enough to shop and pay for food, then prep and cook it, the very least you can do is turn up on time.

Ideally you turn up on time and bring a small thank you gift.

I don't agree with pandering to behaviour like this by stating a time an hour earlier.

Adults should (emergency or unforeseen traffic issues excepted) be able to get somewhere on time. If you can't based on reasons above you ring ahead and say why. Then you apologise for being late/unable to attend.

Happy Birthday OP and I know whilst it might seem a bit odd your DH might have actually (in the long term) given you a gift by calling your DM out on this. Thanks

JennyWoodentop · 20/01/2019 21:31

I would have served the meal at the planned time, and I would do that on each & every time they are invited but late - if I ever invited them again. I don't buy into the telling them an hour earlier trick as I don't want to play games with people who are already playing games with me by choosing to be persistently late - and it is a choice, she wasn't stuck in traffic, she wasn't ill, she was playing with the dogs & then taking a shower. She wants to have the power trip of making the big entrance , having made everyone wait for her & she wants her daughter to know she doesn't prioritise her enough to arrive on time for her birthday meal - nice.

With people like this, I do the airport test - they don't keep the planes waiting for you if you are late to the airport, so has she ever missed a flight by not getting to the airport on time through her habitual lateness? ( rather than a genuine reason like missing a connection beacause the first flight was delayed) If not, she can be on time when it matters to her.

When the dust settles if you decide to make plans with her again, follow other posters' advice above to minimise the impact her lateness has on you. A meal at home - serve when planned. A meal at a restaurant - order when you are seated, don't wait for her. Meeting at the movies - buy your ticket & go in at the start, don't wait and miss half of it. Coffee in town, have your coffee & go when you are finished. Don't put yourself in the position of having to wait for her to get there before you can do things - never let her be the one booking a play & bringing the tickets etc. Just quietly get on with things whether she turns up late or not at all. If she calls or texts to say she's arrived after you have left a meeting place because she didn't show up, don't go back, just say it's too bad she was late & missed you, then get on with your day. If she's coming to your house to get a lift somewhere, leave on time without her if she's late. She will try & change her behaviour if it matters enough to her to do so to avoid missing out on things, or she won't change but at least you won't be inconvenienced or stressed.

Just to say, I know people can be genuinely late for reasons out of their control, but that does not seem to be the case here. If someone has been unavoidably delayed & has tried to warn you I realise my strategies are a little harsh!

Angrybird345 · 20/01/2019 21:44

Your dh was nbu. Your dm is selfish and a drama queen.

Next time tell them 1/2 earlier than real time , serve at the right time and if they are late, tough.

Journea · 20/01/2019 21:46

@BumbleBeee69 Very true... DH says he is never cooking for them again!

OP posts:
Journea · 20/01/2019 21:47

... and DH says she has now ‘unfriended’ him on Facebook 🤔

OP posts: