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Original poster

To ask for advice re PILs?

222 replies

Stormwhale · 13/01/2019 08:33

Just a disclaimer, I am pregnant, hormonal, tired and there is a long history of us making an effort with the PILs, but it not always being an easy relationship. I can go more into that if necessary, but it will be very long.

Dd (5) is fond of PILs, but is wary of fil as he can ignore her boundaries when it comes to tickling, or rough play to the point where she is upset. He just doesn't seem to naturally know how to relate to her without all the rough play. I will always stop him when I see this happening, same as I would with anyone else.

Over Christmas he asked dd (without talking to us) if he can come and collect her from school and walk her home one day a week. She agreed. This then escalated to him telling her that she could then come home with him sometimes and stay over (this has never happened before) to which she said no, that she didn't want to. We told her that was absolutely fine, and she didn't have to go anywhere she didn't want to.

Last week we got a phonecall to tell us that on Friday pil will be coming with to collect dd from school, and will then start on his own the next week. There was no question, it was an order. This put our backs up and dh said no, that hadn't been arranged and wasn't convenient.

At the same time I started to feel very anxious about the whole thing. I'm worried that dd has been struggling at school a bit since going back after Christmas and seems quite emotional at the minute. Dh and I ended up having a disagreement as he feels we have already agreed to it. We have since spoken more and are more on the same page. He understands that I'm struggling a bit with anxiety at the moment, my hormones are all over the place and this is a stressful situation.

So yesterday Dh starts getting repeated FaceTime calls from fil. He didn't answer as it wasn't convenient. We were out for two important birthday celebrations. He also received messages from mil asking what day fil can come with to the school so he can start collecting her the next week. He replied briefly, explaining where we were but didn't specify a day. He did pop over there yesterday evening though, but unfortunately was met with a barrage of abuse off of fil about him not answering the FaceTimes and how he wants to see his grand daughter, he hasn't seen her in two weeks. Dh replied that he will have to wait as we have been busy. I will just point out that they saw dd 3 or 4 times over the Christmas break including on Christmas day.

I don't know where to go from here. I want a good relationship with them, but it feels like our wants and needs are being trampled all over, and they are being far too pushy. I don't feel comfortable about the pick up situation, but it feels like there is no way out. I'm worried he will use it as an opportunity to convince dd she should be going for sleepovers when she doesn't want to.

The FaceTime issue is getting to me as well, as it feels so intrusive and if we ignore it fil clearly kicks off. It's not always convenient or appropriate depending on what we are doing.

I know it's easy to say just say no to what they want, but it will cause a rift. We have worked hard at the relationship with them while trying to keep our own boundaries, but this feels like it's pushing too far.

Any outside insight would be great.

OP posts:
werideatdawn · 13/01/2019 08:46

This would ring so many alarm bells for me. I would say absolutely no to pick ups for now. Ignore his tantrums.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 13/01/2019 08:49

Why is he so keen to have DD on his own? Sounds creepy to me

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 13/01/2019 08:49

How do school let kids out at the end of the day? Could you make it clear that he does not have your permission to remove her? Someone who feels so entitled might turn up anyway/early to collect her.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 13/01/2019 08:52

I hope i am way off here OP but this needs to stop and stop now...Your daughter is signalling to you that something is not right here..You say she is unsettled and emotional,yes she could be tired and out of kilter since returning to school after the christmas excitement (my daughter certainly is!!) or she could be displaying signs of something she can't tell you about...For any adult to seperate a child for their own reasons and demand alone time is highly concerning...Your FIL may have the best intentions or may not ,,there are so many red flags for me in your post.If it doesnt sit right with you there is a reason..listen please to your inner voice its telling you this isnt right.He is not getting his own way alone with your daughter and he is kicking off about it...dont you find that slightly odd and very worrying?? I so hope i am wrong in my assessment of your post but I can tell you from what I have read from you I would be protecting my daughter taking back full control over where she is and I would be keeping her away from FIL totally...It just isnt right what he is doing or suggesting...Please stop it now ...I feel your daughter is trying to tell you something ..she is uncomfortable and not happy for some reason ....If he is acting like an arse with you whats he subjecting her to ?? Please stop collections from him ..do not let him take her ...Like I say I hope I am so far off with my theory but it sounds like a classic grooming pattern to me it genuinely does...If a friend told you a man wanted to collect her little one on his own ..demanded he was doing it regardless of anything anyone said wouldnt you be worried?? what would you advise your friend to do? apply that to your daughter please...

SenoritaViva · 13/01/2019 08:53

You need to put your DD first. If it causes a rift then do be it. It seems very odd to me.

SenoritaViva · 13/01/2019 08:53

So be it, sorry

Yulebealrite · 13/01/2019 08:54

They need to realise that you are the parents and they need to rely on your goodwill to see their gd.

Next time he gets arsey with you, tell him that that attitude is putting you off agreeing to any of his requests and ask him to think about how and what he is saying.

cheeseislife8 · 13/01/2019 08:58

This rings massive alarm bells for me. Trust your instincts, if it doesn't feel right there's a reason. Plus, being dictated to like that would put my back right up!

Rainagain1 · 13/01/2019 08:58

So many people go on about red flags and issues- surely this is nice that grandparents (both of them I presume?) Want to collect your DD? Once new baby comes along you might welcome that help and best to get it established now so it dosnt seem like she is being pushed out because of new baby. Also who is looking after current DD when you have baby? It could be very handy to have her used to sleepovers with PIL. But it does need to be agreed with you rather than her.

Inertia · 13/01/2019 08:58

Make sure that you email school to reiterate what the collection plans are for each day, and be explicit about PIL NOT collecting at any time unless you contact with specific instructions.

Otherwise let him tantrum and ignore.

Hedgehogblues · 13/01/2019 09:00

Anyone who repeatedly ignored my child's boundaries in regards to tickling and rough play wouldn't be spending anymore time with them anyway.

Thesuzle · 13/01/2019 09:00

Goodness me this is creepy, is he grooming her, is she the only grandchild, if not why has he singled her out ?
5 is a bit young I think to be off overnight, and yes shes trying to tell you something but does not have the language to do so
GET HER AWAY FROM HIM

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 13/01/2019 09:01

To add your concerns about him making DD agree to sleep overs possibly when she doesnt want to ...no adult who loves and cares for a child would ever place a child in a position to do some thing they dont want to do...unless there is a very dodgy ulterior motive...the above you discribed ..the tickling is inappropriate ,,,when a child says stop thats what you do....grooming of children begins like this its done in plain sight of everyone..as is sitting on knees in a certain way...so it begins...like I say I so hope this is wrong but in my assessment it is pointing towards it ...begging you OP stop it all now ....keep your daughter away

Original poster
Stormwhale · 13/01/2019 09:02

He hasn't collected her at all yet. I spoke to dd about it on her own a few days ago. I asked her how she felt about fil collecting her from school, and made it clear it didn't have to happen if she didn't want to. She said she is ok with it. I then explained that if he does collect her and asks again about the sleepover, she can say no, and that we are absolutely fine with that.

I guess this is where I'm conflicted. She is saying she wants him to collect her, but my gut says no. But then you are all right that she clearly isn't 100% happy as she doesn't want to stay there. In contrast she begs for sleepovers at my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormwhale · 13/01/2019 09:03

To clarify it would just be fil, not mil as she works. If it was both I would feel better about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormwhale · 13/01/2019 09:04

At the moment dd is the only grandchild. It has been very intense from the get go with us trying to allow a relationship, but while protecting her from that intensity. I think it comes from a good place, but it is just way too much. He can be controlling and it took dh a long time to get out from that control.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 13/01/2019 09:05

Hell no
TRUST YOUR GUT
Anyone who doesn't respect physical boundaries should not get unsupervised contact!!!
Plus his behaviour is very concerning, asking her without discussing it with you first, insisting and then having a tantrum when you say no....
Just NO

Seeleyboo · 13/01/2019 09:06

Massive alarm bells. Sounds awful to say but she is signalling something is very very wrong. Could he be touching her inappropriately.

StripeyDeckchair · 13/01/2019 09:06

I wouldn't do this while pregnant as I wouldn't want DD to somehow feel the new baby was the reason her routine was being changed.
That will give you a year before the issue might come up again ...

And I would definitely make clear to the school that the PIL are not allowed to collect DD, he sounds like someone who would do what he wanted irrespective of what you said and,as a PP said, I could see him turning up early to collect DD.

Aaaahfuck · 13/01/2019 09:08

Alarm bells for me too. You need to work on the boundaries thing first before anything else.

Hoppinggreen · 13/01/2019 09:08

Rain it’s fine to ask to do these things with your grandchildren but to demand them and get angry when you don’t get your own way is NOT acceptable.
Perhaps there are no sinister intentions but if you are uneasy OP then say no. As women we are taught to be nice and not say no ( especially to men) but you can and should. Your fil at the very least has an issue with respecting boundaries.
If you refuse your fil one to one access with your dd the worst case scenario is that he gets annoyed and it causes some tension in the family.

Original poster
Stormwhale · 13/01/2019 09:09

Absolutely 0% chance of him having abused her. She has never been left alone with pils.

OP posts:
hoochymama1 · 13/01/2019 09:12

Alarm bells. Trust your gut. Call all arrangements off and blame it on the hormones.

Vika1985 · 13/01/2019 09:13

Sounds like the backstory might be relevant here? Why has she never been left alone with them? It is a pretty big leap from nothing to school pick ups and sleepovers?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 13/01/2019 09:13

Unbelievable - granddad wats to pick up grand child from school, like millions of other grand parents do, immediate implication is he is a kiddie fiddler .

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