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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

608 replies

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 09:39

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

OP posts:
Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 09:41

Begrudgingly £100 a week, not a month! Sorry.

OP posts:
CallMeSirShotsFired · 09/01/2019 09:42

You know the answer to this.

x2boys · 09/01/2019 09:43

Well obviously yanbu why does he think he can live for free?

Adversecamber22 · 09/01/2019 09:45

Time to say goodbye to him.

ShockedHorrored · 09/01/2019 09:45

Tell him to fuck off back to his parents house then. You will save money as he won’t be using your water, you’ll only need food for you and I bet you he doesn’t turn the lights off when he leaves the room. not a bug bear of mine oh no

DonnaDarko · 09/01/2019 09:45

To be honest, I don't think you can ask him to pay a share of the mortgage itself, but I think he should contribute to the bills. Work out what half is and see if he will pay that.

If not, ask him to move out. He sounds like a bit of a cocklodger to me.

User758172 · 09/01/2019 09:46

No, you should ask him to sling his hook. He sounds like a nasty, selfish piece of work. You obviously know YANBU. I sincerely hope you tell him to fuck off out of your home.

PinkFizzz · 09/01/2019 09:47

Tell him to fuck off back to his parents and get ypurself a lodger that will actually pay their way.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/01/2019 09:47

He should be paying half the bills and food costs. That’s what adults in partnerships do. If he refuses to do that, he’s a using asshole and I’d kick him out.

Whether he should contribute to the mortgage is contentious. Yes, there’s the view that he’d have to pay rent elsewhere - but on any thread where the roles are reversed and it’s a woman moving into her male partner’s home, the general consensus is that if he asks her to pay half of or towards the mortgage he’s “profiting” from her and she should insist he’d name is put on the deeds before considering it.

x2boys · 09/01/2019 09:47

She could ask him for "rent" money though Donna ?

Jimjamjong · 09/01/2019 09:47

He could move back and you take a lodger. Ultimately you need the money and he is using space in the house.

CashBunny · 09/01/2019 09:47

His arguments are bizarre. Renting is not throwing away money, it's a cost of living and a payment for a service (similar to an interest only mortgage where you are renting from the bank).

He sounds like he's a sandwich short of a picnic.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/01/2019 09:48

I can't understand why you used to say he didn't cost you anything living there. Of course he did - although to be fair, if he was paying for nearly all the food shopping that would account for a lot of it. The difference was you could afford it in those days. I wonder whether he offered a token sum then because he knew you'd refuse it. Now you actually need money he's gone all tight-arse on you. How much do you really need a boyfriend?

TooTrueToBeGood · 09/01/2019 09:50

You are living together. You should both be contributing to the costs associated with the home including rent/mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, groceries etc. It doesn't need to be 50/50 but it needs to be fair and equitable to both.

The argument that it would cost you the same if he wasn't there is childish nonsense. He's an adult and should expect to have to pay his own way in life.

Frankly, given his attitude, you really don't want to get into a commited relationship with him. He's selfish and immature and will struggle to change.

CoffeeRunner · 09/01/2019 09:50

Of course a wage earning adult should be paying their way in life.

He would prefer to squirrel away money for “your future” would he? But what if you split up? Do you get half of this pot of savings that you have gone without rent to accrue?

JoeLycettsSparklyArmSling · 09/01/2019 09:50

He’s basically told you he wants to live for free, wherever that might be. Why would you want to be with someone who is determined not to pay his way?

blackteasplease · 09/01/2019 09:50

Get rid. He doesn't get to freeload from you. He can live at his parents rent free if they are happy to have him. £100 isn't enough anyway!

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 09:52

So he lived rent free with his parent and thinks he can do the same with you? He’s a massive free loader and I’d dump him.
But why on earth did you say it cost you nothing to have him live with you?

JennyHolzersGhost · 09/01/2019 09:52

I think you need to add up how much he spends on food, going out etc and include that in total household spending. Then look at what you each contribute and figure out from there what further contribution he should make.

But tbh it sounds as though it would probably be better to send him back to his parents and rent a room to a lodger to bring some more money in. Also if work have cut your hours can you look for a second job elsewhere ?

regmover · 09/01/2019 09:52

You don't need to ask us - pack his bags!

Chamomileteaplease · 09/01/2019 09:53

I think you have both allowed it to be messy and unclear because of all this him picking up food ad hoc and paying for you when you go out.

It would be much better if he paid for half of all bills, including food, plus a nominal "rent amount". Then it is all clearer. If he doensn't want the freedom of moving away from mum and dad then that is his problem.

You will know exactly how much you have for your essentials and if you have to cut down on going out then so it be. But I think you should start paying your way going out.

And it is nonsense that it doesn't cost any more to have him there, it always does.

HundredMilesAnHour · 09/01/2019 09:53

I do think your boyfriend is being unreasonable but I also think some of this problem is of your own making.

You say it costs the same whether he's there or not? Is this true or was this bullshit?

You said he covers most of the food costs.

You seemed happy with your set-up until your outgoings have increased and your work hours have reduced. Is this increase in outgoings related to your boyfriend? If yes, he absoloutely needs to pay his share.

I don't understand how you can go from "it costs the same whether he lives here or not" to "my boyfriend is crippling me financially". Which one is it? What has changed?

Angrybird345 · 09/01/2019 09:54

What a CF! But you seem naive. Of course it costs more for him to live with you! You can't get single person council tax, increased water, sewage, electricity, gas bills etc. More washing powder... it all adds up.

He needs to be paying more or tell him to go jump.

reallybadidea · 09/01/2019 09:54

Get a lodger and ditch the boyfriend.

Seriously though, how much could you realistically rent a bedroom out for? Show him this to demonstrate how much he would be paying in rent if he didn't get free accommodation with you.

I might speculate that this is the end result of allowing your adult children to live rent free - a sense of entitlement. What else has he been taught by his parents and what might that hold in store for your future?

ThePants999 · 09/01/2019 09:55

If he's been saving money for your future, fantastic. He needs to find a place for you both to move into while you rent out your property, and it's his turn to pay everything for the next year while you replenish YOUR savings "for the future".