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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

608 replies

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 09:39

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

OP posts:
JanuarySnowdrops · 09/01/2019 10:08

Starting to wish I had never brought it all up

That's what he hopes so the next time you have to ask for anything you'll remember how bad he made you feel and hesitate.

Wallywobbles · 09/01/2019 10:09

Go on a proper site with him like money saving expert or whatever. Work out a proper budget. If he doesn't contribute to the mortgage that's one thing but he should be paying 50% of the bills. And you should personally live within your means. If that means one night a month so be it. The current arrangement is fairly absurd to be honest. He does all the good will spending and you have taken over the toll of his parents.

And why do you say that it costs no more for one than 2? That's clearly incorrect.

Waytooearly · 09/01/2019 10:10

Going against the grain, I don't think we're in "cocklodger" territory necessarily.

Am I right in assuming you're both kind of young? It sounds like you have both fallen into this situation where he ended up staying with you long-term, and as you mention he was generous around day-to-day living expenses, and you were both just flowing along in this arrangement. I get the sense that both of you were just assuming that everything was working out finance-wise so no need to delve into it.

Until suddenly you had a change of circumstances and you told him so.

My sense is that he's embarrassed to be in this position and so the nonsense about not wanting to pay your mortgage is him being defensive.

Why don't you try drawing a line under it, sit down together and work out finances properly? I wouldn't want to pay toward's someone else's mortgage either (interest-free or not), but then again I wouldn't expect to live somewhere for free indefinitely just because I paid for some dinners out or groceries. Decide how you're going to arrange all of this, in whatever way that works for you, and then take that forward.

LuluMelons · 09/01/2019 10:11

Ask for a contribution. If you had his child and he asked you to pay for rent, you wouldn't like it would you.

PregnantSea · 09/01/2019 10:12

Also I think @CatnissEverdene 's idea is a really good one. That way you're both sharing equally. And he'll either embrace it with open arms as an opportunity to start fresh together, or be really pissy about having to actually start paying rent. At least then you'll know what he's really like.

Annabel7 · 09/01/2019 10:13

Well I think it depends how much he is paying for food and your going out costs. If you eat out a lot, drinks, taxis and nice food and wine at home, that adds up pretty quickly. Ideally, he would contribute to household costs and you'd share food and social costs. If you did that, would you actually save any money?

He's had a cushy arrangement at home but if he officially wants to live with you he needs to contribute fairly and you should pick up your social costs...

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 09/01/2019 10:13

What the Hell
Get shot OP . Let him go live with his parents as they don'[ seem to care he lives there rent free .

I don't use this word , but its apt here, he is a cocklodger

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/01/2019 10:13

He doesn't want to build a future for you both, he is madly saving to feather his own nest.
Get him out, he is a cocklodger, and he's playing on your emotions.
Send him home to mummy and daddy.
You'll be fine !

PinkHeart5914 · 09/01/2019 10:13

Well yes he should be contributing to household bills and food is he is living at the property full time. Although I wouldn’t be paying a mortgage I was not named on, but food, council tax etc fine.

However you’ve not helped yourself with the well it costs the same if your here or not guff, so this problem is of your own making really.

Claw001 · 09/01/2019 10:16

£1200 is mortgage, council tax, water and sewerage, gas and electric, broadband, contents insurance (all his stuff is here!), netflix, spotify and TV licence.

And how much does he spend roughly a month on food shopping, eating out, days out, nights out etc? His ‘half’ would be £600?

Nomorechickens · 09/01/2019 10:16

You should pay the mortgage interest.
He should pay rent - maybe £300 - £400 a month? a similar amount to what you would get from renting out a room to a lodger - this is tax free under the Rent a Room scheme - plus half the bills including all the things you listed as included in the £1200 and half the food shopping. Then you both pay your share for going out. Then you can both see where you are and it is all open and fair.

Nomorechickens · 09/01/2019 10:17

Also to make it clear that he is not paying towards your mortgage and isn't building up a claim to a share of your house

EssentialHummus · 09/01/2019 10:18

think you have both allowed it to be messy and unclear because of all this him picking up food ad hoc and paying for you when you go out.

It would be much better if he paid for half of all bills, including food, plus a nominal "rent amount". Then it is all clearer. If he doensn't want the freedom of moving away from mum and dad then that is his problem.

This. Big chat needed. Though more generally, going through a tough financial time and cutting into savings to service an interest only mortgage doesn’t seem compatible with what you’ve said about your lifestyle.

EssentialHummus · 09/01/2019 10:18

Otherwise get a lodger in and you can see BF out - he can go back to his parents.

mirialis · 09/01/2019 10:18

Agree with the pp - 25% of council tax, half of everything else except mortgage and buildings insurance, including the joint food and socialising.

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 10:20

I appreciate that I have made a rod for my own back with the "costs the same if you live here or not" but as I said, this was when I was earning well and didn't have the extra personal expense that has cropped up.

Another thing is my house is in the middle of being renovated (work on it has stalled due to lack of finances) so is not in the position to be rented out to someone else or suitable for a lodger etc.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/01/2019 10:21

Tell him you are getting a lodger because of your financial situation. It's up to him if that is him or not. If not then he goes home to mummy and daddy. Adults don't freeload.

79andnotout · 09/01/2019 10:21

My boyfriend lives in my house (and has done since I bought it). We hadn't been together long when I bought and he wasn't in a position to join me on the mortgage, so this is what we do.

I pay the mortgage, all costs associated with maintaining the house, insurance etc.

We split everything else 50/50 - bills, car, food, entertainment, holidays, etc.

This way it's nice and clear - he has no entitlement to any part of my house. It also means he is not paying any rent, so can build up his savings.

Viviennemary · 09/01/2019 10:22

I think you should ask him to leave. This informal arrangement isn't suiting either of you from what you've said. What do you do re Council Tax. Are you claiming as a single occupant or not. If he covers most of the food and pays the £100 a week that does seem quite a reasonable contribution. And pays for most of your evenings out. But there is resentment on both sides which isn't good.

mrsm43s · 09/01/2019 10:22

He should be contributing to household bills. But equally you should be paying your fair share of food shopping and socialising. Personally I don't think he should pay towards your mortgage unless his name is on it, and he is getting a share of any increase in equity.

I think if you are serious about each other, then you need to consider putting his name on the mortgage (he could out some of his savings in to equal out your initial deposit), and pooling your funds and setting a joint budget.

Mildmanneredmum · 09/01/2019 10:22

It sounds as though you've both fallen into the living together bit accidentally, which sounded fine as long as you're both going out, having fun, etc, but it might be time to have The Conversation about the relationship as a whole. I don't think it's only about the money.....

Claw001 · 09/01/2019 10:23

OP how much does he spend a month?

Food shopping, regularly eating out, night outs etc are not cheap!

Calvinsmam · 09/01/2019 10:23

Why does he feel entitled to live somewhere for free?
How come he was living with his parents?

I think you might be dealing with a spoilt man.

Threewheeler1 · 09/01/2019 10:27

I agree with the lodger comment.
Proper help towards the mortgage, rather than a whiny bloke who begrudges paying below market rate for a nice home.
He should be paying rent, it's ridiculous. Nobody gets to live for free, particularly if it's increasing your costs or preventing you from getting a lodger in to actually provide a solution to your problem.
If he can't understand the financial realities of living (and clearly doesn't care about the impact he's having) you might be better off putting him out to pasture.
Sorry OP, but I'd send him right back to his parents and put yourself first.

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 09/01/2019 10:27

I have no idea how much he has been spending on going out/food etc. I can't imagine it's anywhere near to £1200 a month though. Besides, I would be quite happy to knock all this on the head so that I can afford to live without being in the red. Socialising isn't a necessity to me.

OP posts:
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