AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

[Moneys2Tight2Mention]

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

Ah, the 'saving for our future' line

When/If you split you wouldn't see a penny of that money

YANBU. He's a Cock Lodger.

Get a lodger. One that actually pays rent. Tell him you're doing it as you can't survive financially without the extra income.

Every now and again, suggest you both go and stay over at his place (ie, his parents) for a change and use their hot water, leccy etc.

Not what you asked but the thing jumping out at me is amazement that you are paying £1200 a month on mortgage interest/bills yet not paying any capital off when your outgoings are quite high.

My outgoings are roughly £800 but that's all bills including paying off mortgage capital. I'd be in a cold sweat if I wasn't chipping away at the capital.

It suggests that the house is well beyond your means which is a long term problem that needs careful management.

In terms of the boyfriend, if he can't see that by making a small contribution to bills of £4-500 per month he is on a brilliant deal then he strikes me as a manchild who has never had to support himself and doesn't understand the cost. That would be a red flag for me as this may well seep into other areas as well like expecting to be looked after in terms of housework etc. if he has been at home too long.

COCKLODGER🍆

Also agree with PP's £100 is nothing. I paid £100 month "board" when still living with my parents 28 years ago!

This man is laughing at you and making a fool out of you

You Op say you would be willing to knock the socialising side on the head but would he? That would be a big change in your relationship and not what you have been doing previously up TIL now. Also I'm guessing you may get the £100 out of him once but not again. He doesn't seem to agree and once he goes home and speaks to his parents or friends I'm guessing he's either going to start staying there more, and hope you let the money side go or he will be expecting you to chip in more for the social side to regain the money.
Simple more heating, lights etc are used when he stays and when you solely stay at yours and don't have a few nights at his. More wear and tear on carpet and sofas, so there is a huge difference to one person and two.
You say he offered before, but it seems he likes to buy the fun stuff and know you say no so keeps offering. As a partner he should want to help even for a little time because your together and using the future as a reason not to because one day you will buy a pay together at the same time saying if I help and we break up I get nothing doesn't make sense.

I was clear when we had the conversation that I wouldn't be expecting him to pay for going out/food etc solely any longer and that it would become a shared expense as and when.

Sorry, but the word, 'cunt' springs to mind.

He has a very immature attitude to money. So, no more treats then ? Is that right ? Sounds like tit for tat to me. He gives you an asked for but still derisory £100 housekeeping money and you forfeit being treated like a partner by him ?

Listen - you have no:

Joint bank account
Joint saving account
Joint mortgage

Please tell me it's only your name on the deeds of your house ?

He's cruising/coasting financially because you let him. Look what's happening/happened already.

It's time for an almighty row with him about money. Is that what you are scared of ? Because the outcome might be that he leaves ? At a certain level, are you funding him to keep him by your side ?

He is an arse. Get rid. He has a huge sense of entitlement. Anywhere else he lived he’d have to pay rent, bills etc etc.

But I agree with other people- living in a house where you’re only paying the interest of with a huge mortgage and high outgoings is madness. Do you have a plan for how you are going to pay the capital back eventually? If not I would seriously look at either renting somewhere smaller and using the difference in outgoings to save for a house where you can afford a repayment mortgage or get a proper lodger to boost your income and see if you can remortgage to a repayment mortgage. Before you know it the interest period will be up and you’ll be expected to pay back the capital. Time goes faster than you think!

I'm in the minority here but I don't think he's a cocklodger. I had a similar set up to him when I started living with DP...

I was renting a flat that cost 4 x his mortgage, but his house suited us better and inevitably I started spending all my time here. We gave up my flat when my contract expired and I moved in here. He still pays the mortgage and bills; I pay for socialising and food. It works out; most of the time - but I was always aware of the costs! I paid 50% of the council tax too, as he lost his discount. I earn more than DP does. I also pay storage costs for the things I own that we can't fit in the flat!

It seems you've not discussed costs and previously said that he costs you no more to be there, which is true if you haven't officially told the council he lives there and are still getting the 25% discount. If you're out more with him, you're probably saving on bills, too.

To then suddenly ask for £100 a week seems quite a change. You've said you'll split food costs and go out less so you can afford half, but that's quite a big life change. I don't think you can automatically brand him tight for not being too happy with that straight away. If you want him to contribute, it would be fairer to make him moving in official, and look at all the bills and things together. Then work out what is fair. You probably also need to discuss what you are doing about your reduced hours, and whether you're both happy to change the amount you eat out and socialise. That's big for some people, it might not be a change he wants.

If you can't figure this out, you're incompatible and he should bugger off back to his parents for free and let you get on with things. I do think it's worth reframing how you approach this though. He could easily be paying £600 a month in food and nights out; and although you'd rather have that money for bills, you can't really present that as a fait accompli.

If he does leave, you'll have the same mortgage and bills but also food costs on top - have you got a back up plan?

Are you kidding, he agreed to only pay you £100 a month? Or is that per week?

I can see his point about not wanting to pay towards your mortgage,but paying his half of the bills is the minimum he should do. How much would he spend on grocery shopping?

He sounds like he has been spoiled by living for free with his parents for too long, but if he wants to be in a grown up relationship then he needs to pull his weight financially.

Yes he's a cocklodger.

This doesn't bode well for your future (he's probably one of those men who expect their partners to pay all the childcare when they go back after maternity leave).

If he earns more than twice as much as you and you can just about afford £1200 mortgage interest then you have a joint income of close to £4000. In his shoes as the major breadwinner I wouldn't want my DP dictating where I live, how much I pay for it, when I get engaged, how often I go out and at what cost.

Also if you have an interest only mortgage your DP's deposit contribution must have been about 40% (?) so you are also effectively living rent free from your parents in just the same way he was.

If you truly want to move to the next stage then you have to have the conversation not just start dictating terms. In his shoes I would likely be looking to buy somewhere else jointly rather than moving into my future PiL's doer upper.

He is being unreasonable, he should be paying rent and bills as well, like every other adult does. (And £100 a week is nothing! I'm In London so maybe has some bearing on why I think that 😭)

Okay, he pays for dinners out etc, but that's his choice. And it doesn't help you financially as if you couldn't afford it you wouldn't go out. And it takes no burden off you financially - you are still having to worry about money and struggle. TBH he should want to take that burden off you if he can (and sounds like he can).

Some people are saying he shouldn't be paying your mortgage. I don't agree, he should be paying rent to live in YOUR house. (Just as a lodger would) and Like he would be if he were living anywhere other than with mum and dad 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'd have told him to sling his hook back to mummy and daddy!
How old is he if you don't mind me asking? Perhaps he's only ever lived
With mum and dad and doesn't know how
It is in the real world?

If he really is a partner, then I'd analyse all costs and living expenses with him, including his finances (particularly to figure out how much the extra is costing).

Be careful that he doesn't get entitled to part of the house, unless you want to. Make sure he doesn't contribute towards the work being done, apart from normal maintenance, with money or his own work.

Having said that, and re-reading it, he's really a boyfriend of 3 months who moved from living rent free at his parents to living rent free with you.

I would want to have a proper talk about where the relationship is going and about how to deal with expenses in general.

He is too used to mummy and daddy paying for everything and doesn’t realise that’s not how it works in the real world. £400 a month is an absolute bargain and he should be grateful that’s all you’re asking for. Going by his reaction, I would ditch the CF in all honesty.

AnchorDownDeepBreath

But that’s a different situation. You had rent on a flat to pay and you could have split your time as a couple between there and his house but chose not to.
OP’s partner isn’t paying rent anywhere.

OP says He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about

So not really a cocklodger is he?

Yes they need to sort something out money wise but he hasn’t been paying for nothing

I do think the problem is that he gradually started living with you without the important questions being asked. If I was saving for my own place, I would probably stay rent free with my parents than rent. He needs to make that choice first and then the conversation on a reasonable cost.

If I bought a property, on an interest-only mortgage and rented it out, then effectively my tenants are paying my mortgage in order to have a place to live. Why does your partner find this difficult to understand?

You never had the let's live together talk. He moved in by stealth. He should have offered rent but he didn't so I'm not seeing him as a thoughtful generous type tbh.

Perhaps you need anothet difficult conversation. This time it is, You still officially live with your mum and dad but sleep over a lot. If you want to officially move in with me then we need to have a proper arrangement around finances, housework, savings, maybe me selling my house and us buying or renting together etc. To keep things clearer you should stay at your own place, i e your parents, until we decide if and how to move onto the next stage.

Does that scare you?

He should pay his own own way. £100 per week sounds fair. He should also pay half the bills so food, gas/electric, council tax. If he doesnt want to do this then tell him to go back to his parents house, no more eating and sleeping over. Get a lodger to help pay the bulls (but set some ground rules first).

The house wouldn't be half his if it's an asset you had before and is in your name. You can change that by putting him on the mortgage, now or later but protect your share that your parents worked hard for. Take legal advice, it's easy to do an agreement when you remortgage or add someone in to ownership.
I think you just haven't communicated properly, if you are a team start working together. Does he think you would be married and still keep all his money. Would you think you should benefit from his income, be sahm etc etc

Op the bigger issue here is that he is not being a true partner to you....someone who loves you and sees a future with you would unhesitatingly take up the slack when you need help through no fault of your own......without being asked.
He should be more than happy to contribute as your circumstances have changed and you are worried about not paying the bills.
I would really seriously question planning a future with a man who has no desire to help and support you......that does not work in a marriage....at different times each has to support the other without angst.

What would happen if you accidentally got pregnant?