AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

[Moneys2Tight2Mention]

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

To me it seems you would like the dynamics to change. You say you would like to stay in more, to save financially.

You pay £1,200. He pays for all the food shopping, eating out, nights out etc, which possibly amounts to half of the £1,200.

He isn’t actually living for ‘free’, he is just contributing in a way you were previously happy with!

Why would you want your future to be with someone who thinks it's perfectly acceptable to live rent free, and to live off the earnings of a women - there is a name for men like that - cocklodger or ponce, take your pick.

Send him home to mummy and daddy since they are responsible for his freeloading attitude.

Then look for another job, re-mortgage as soon as you can to a repayment mortage and look to rent out a room in order to maximise your earnings and help towards the mortgage. Now is the time to do these things while you are single and childfree.

Also, did you want him to move in permanently - did you both discuss this and make that decision together, or did he just move in by stealth.

The moving in after three months and the fact he thinks he thinks it is acceptable to live without paying rent are big red flags for me. You were very foolish to let this happen, of course it costs more for two people - you lost your council tax single person discount for a start.

You need to start taking ownership of your life & future and not just letting someone else dictate what that should be.

So he has never had to pay his own way effectively ?

You have let this go on for too long if you're committed to stay together in that house mortgage aside if you don't want him to have a claim you need to cost up everything else budget properly plan your incomings and outgoings much better and have it be much more even

If he'd really rather move back to his parents so can live cost free then he's a wrong un and you should get rid

His reaction shows you that he doesn't think you're a team though, he doesn't want to contribute more. He absolutely saw you coming op. Third time I've said it today on here but stop being a mug.

So he gets to
Have sex with you , have a companion when he gets home & live rent free ?

Tell him to go back to his parent's house. It's because he knows he's got a rent -free option with his parents that he doesn't recognise that contribution to the roof over his head is not 'throwing money away'

He sounds incredibly selfish.

Also he earns 3 to 4 times what I earn if that makes any difference to things.

He definitely doesn't pay £1200 a month in going out etc though, which would be what he would have had to been paying to make it half and half. I'm not even suggesting he pay half, just 30/70ish and then we split going out/food etc and only do so when we can afford it.

I can sort of see why he reacted (not that it was justified.) He was living for free with his parents and probably wouldn't have moved in as readily if he'd been presented with a rent bill up front.

With hindsight it was a mistake not to have a proper agreement from the start, in which he made a fair contribution to household expenses.

I would ask him to imagine he lives with his parents now, then (knowing details of OP household finances) what he would propose as a fair arrangement for moving in with someone else as an equal. If he had actually thought things through before having an unexpected conversation he might not have felt the emotional shock that resulted in an argument.

I have no idea how much he has been spending on going out/food etc. I can't imagine it's anywhere near to £1200 a month though.

Let’s say £600? So he is paying half? However, you do not pay half of food, going out etc!

He is paying his way, just not in a way that suits you now!

Cocklodger alert.

Suggest he moves out and you go back to dating until you find out whether you can be on the same page financially.

Being financially compatible is one of the biggest issues in relationships being successful IMO.

Thanks for your replies. I am really shocked as he genuinely isn’t normally tight at all. Won’t let me put my hand in my pocket if we are out etc.

This is usually what happens when people are, 'just dating' and not living together. But not always of course.

As has already been asked, how many times per month does this happen ? Would this be for the pub ? A meal ? A day out ? Shopping ? Etc ?

Sounds far cheaper and lot more fun and 'look at me being the supportive, generous partner' than the functional boring grind of all the other bills as you have calculated.

Also, a pp remarked that he is letting you use your saving so he can increase his savings. If they were for both of you, your name would be on the account. Ask him how much is in this account that is supposed to be for both of you. I bet you won't. Or if you do, see how much, 'attitude' you get off him to include a row about money.

If so he is about to call you grasping and penny pinching or words to that effect. Which will be ironic because he knows what he's doing, down to the last penny. He will remark that, 'you already get enough off me.' Whether that means him paying when you go out or now there's an extra £100 for him to fund. It will be interesting to see if he's as keen to pay when you go out now that he's paying housekeeping. I'm not calling it rent.

His head and his heart is not in the relationship.

Him paying when you go out is pretty much pocket money because you pay for everything else.

Him grudgingly agreeing to pay £100 per week, even then you had to ask, says it all.

Also, please formalise what the payments are for, from him. If they are considered to be rent, it might be awkward to get rid of him. He might also want a sum of money from you if you kick him out.

I would be quite happy to knock all this on the head so that I can afford to live without being in the red. Socialising isn't a necessity to me

So you know the answer then - as said, split all living costs but you need to take on mortgage and buildings insurance.

He is still living rent free and should help you with general maintenance wear and tear costs but not those which are done to add to the value of the property. Otherwise, he can pay you a bit of rent too to help towards maintenance costs.

As pps have said, it's time for "the conversation" about the future and it may be that it is best for the relationship that he moves out if you d

So he's happy to live with you, appear generous when out, but not actually pay his way in the adult world? Been so difficult and unpleasant about it that you're thinking of backing down?

Oh dear. This is not healthy. He should have offered money straight away, you should learn to be assertive and not let tantrums impact you or work (toddlers, grown men - it's all the same).

It sounds like things moved too fast. I'd send him home, 'date' and only move in together again once you're both able to talk about money in a grown up manner. Get the refurb done asap (loans, remortgage) and get a lodger.

Get a rent paying lodger or two. That will improve your financial situation.

Do you want to live with this man? If you do he needs to contribute. Whether it is rent/food/bills is immaterial. But you need to look at the costs of your lives and decide/agree what is reasonable.

I don't really understand how you find yourself living with someone inadvertently without having had a conversation about what that means. But it seems you did. So you need to back up and have those conversations now.

He doesn't have a right to live anywhere rent free. And if his objective is to do so then you should send him back to his parents. Lucky them!

It's not about the amount of money, it's his attitude that stinks.

What would you do if you split up and you can't have a lodger?

Yanbu but tbh if he was paying for food and all your other expenses it does sounds as if he was paying rent in kind. I can understand his reluctance to pay more for "your" house, especially if he didn't realise it's interest free.
However circumstances have changed. You need to communicate and ask him what he thinks would be a good solution. You need to work as a team. His ongoing reaction will be a test of his commitment to you.

Hang on...just seen update.

He earns 3 or 4 times more than you!????

Ye Gods...kick him to the curb now. What a dick.

I'm guessing he will saved up enough and when it come to 'buying' a property he will insist that it will be in his name as he 'put in more' and he will insist that you use any and all of the equity you have on your property and you cover half the bills.

Yes he should be paying rent for the property he living in, and he should pay towards some of the joint bills. So what if he pays when you go out that his choice but that doesn't mean he shouldn't pay household bills.

I would seriously reconsider this relationship and how you want it going forward. How much did you really know him when he conveniently moved himself in after 3 month of knowing you.

It's not about the amount of money, it's his attitude that stinks.

Yeah this is kind of how I feel too. It's made me worry that he doesn't see a future. I was hoping that we would get engaged this year or next, with the 5 year plan to get married have children etc. Then the house would be half his anyway. And £100 a week seems a nominal amount to pay for something that is potentially an investment into your future.

His reaction has made me rethink everything. I was clear when we had the conversation that I wouldn't be expecting him to pay for going out/food etc solely any longer and that it would become a shared expense as and when. So I can't actually see how he's any more out of pocket, the money just goes to a different place.

He earns significantly more than you and yet has been happy to live off you rent free for the last year? What a catch...

Food, going out, etc, will cost a fraction of the mortgage, so it's not comparable.

He's massively unreasonable and if I were you I'd tell him to leave and you can rent out a room.

I wouldn't do it like that. Is he your partner, do you see a future?
Have a joint account for bills and household expenses including food and routine meals out but not big expensive outings. Decide whether to include mortgage, holidays etc. £1200 seems a lot, would you want to put him on the mortgage eventually.
Look at your personal incomes and outgoings to decide whether to put the same amount in, so you have similar spending money. This should concentrate his mind. If not he's a lodger and should pay rent.
This should have been sorted out before, I'm not surprised he's fed up, he thinks he's been generous, you haven't made a decision for him to live there and on what basis or given him any say or responsibility.
Time to have a serious talk about where you both see this going.

If you break up - you'll still be paying the £1200 plus buying the food he's paying for now. How are you going to afford all that? Sounds like regardless you need to find somewhere cheaper.

I’m not understanding why everyone is saying he is not paying his way! Just because his contribution is not labelled ‘rent’?

He pays monthly shopping bill, let’s say £400. Eating out regularly, let’s say once a week, £200 a month. He pays for nights out, OP says they socialise a lot, once a week, £200 a month. And he pays for ‘everything’ apart from the £1,200.

Fucking freeloader! Get rid.

He’s moved in by stealth really.
He’s showing you who he really is, believe him.

£100 is nothing - that would be quite a cheap rent for a room in a shared house around where I live.