AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

[Moneys2Tight2Mention]

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

I'm still intrigued by how much is in his savings account....

I bet as far as he's concerned that's private.

He seems to think that he's still a guest at OP's house.

Hmm when you say he pays for food, do you mean takeaways and going out or do you mean actual weekly food shop?
If its the weekly shop then it sounds like you'll be in an even worse situation if he moves out if your income is literally just covering the mortgage interest and utilities and nothing else.

It is a rather weird argument though to say "I shouldnt have to pay your mortgage" AND "I'm saving for our future". When does "us today" become "our future"? It's like people saving "for a rainy day" that never happens.

Sounds like the kind of man who likes the socialising and the grand gesture of buying dinner and "spoiling you" etc but is too immature to deal with real life practicalities

Bin him. What a pathetic loser - that he would take advantage of you like that and still feel hard done by.

He should never have been allowed to live with you for free in the first place, so at least you’ve learned that lesson for the next bloke!

Get rid!

He earns a lot more, is happy to watch you struggle so he can live for free, have no financial responsibility, save a fortune for "your" future all in his name do for his future not yours, liar but gets to act like flash Harry while out "put your money away babe, this is on me" - course it fucking is love I pay for everything else!!

Bye bye, see how far £100 a week gets you, the bus to mammys house I'd say!

OP, years ago, when my then DP moved into my house, he paid half of all bills, apart from the mortgage, as I didn't want him to have a claim on the house. That was interest only initially too. He paid for TV services as he wanted them and I couldn't afford them. I didn't charge him rent as he was in debt and i wanted to help him out. We had only been together a few months when he moved in , due to circumstances.

It obviously does cost more for two to live than one. You use more water for showering, laundry, toilet etc. You lose your council tax discount as others have pointed out.

If things are tight then you need to cut out Netflix and Spotify.

As suggested by PP, you need to sit down and list all of your utilities and joint expenses such as food, and then split that cost equally. You pay the mortgage and buildings insurance, you each pay for your own mobiles. He could pay for things like Netflix if he still wants them and has more money than you. All social expenses should be 50/50 so he can't complain that he is paying for everything.

If you want to build a future together and he is saving money, then when you remortgage, you can remortgage together, he can put his savings into it, and then you own the house in shares in the ratio that you have each put in, so neither of you loses out. That is very important, whatever you do don't own it as equal shares if you have put more in.

FWIW, my then DP became DH (now XH) and we remortgaged together on a new house. (He didn't pay anything in to the deposit though as he had nothing, despite living rent free for several years!).

That's cocklodger you have there.
I would kick him out for good, if I were you.

*He earns a lot more, is happy to watch you struggle so he can live for free, have no financial responsibility, save a fortune for "your" future all in his name do for his future not yours, liar but gets to act like flash Harry while out "put your money away babe, this is on me" - course it fucking is love I pay for everything else!!

Bye bye, see how far £100 a week gets you, the bus to mammys house I'd say!*

This ^

But then we are unromantic ratbags who only see life for it's monetary value, apparently.

Funny how it only becomes about money when he's being asked to cough up.

You can get a single person discount on the council tax and save in utilities.
It does cost for him to live there. His reaction is awful.
Does he think he is doing you a favour by living with you?

He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent.

Bye then... off you pop!

Difficult one actually. It does cost more when two people live together - the bills for water, gas, electricity are higher - two people showering, using gadgets etc.What about the council tax? You would have lost your single person's discount or are you still claiming that because he isn't officially there.

In any case, he should be paying half the bills because he is using the services, TV licence, Netflix, internet whatever.
And food costs should be split too but he has been paying those.

I do think that he has paid his way in that he has paid for all food and the majority of the socializing and meals out etc which would add up to a tidy sum per month.

The issue of paying the mortgage is a separate one.
If the two of you are going to live together and have a long term future together this needs to be discussed. The problem would be he would be paying in and should the relationship break up he wouldn't have any automatic right to get that money back.
If you were to marry it would be a different story and the house would become the marital home to which he would be entitled to a share should you divorce.

It's a minefield and to be honest it doesn't really sound like he is in this for the long haul. He has drifted into living with you and may well drift out again.
I'm not convinced he is a cocklodger but I'm not convinced he is entirely serious either.

I'd send him home to his parents where he can live rent-free while you both decide how to proceed from here.

He’s a twat, obviously.

But you do realise you can’t afford to own your house? And that even before the change in circumstances you couldn’t afford to own your house? Unless you also have a separate endowment policy or whatever they are called these days, having an interest only mortgage is a really bad idea. Rather than looking for someone else to prop you up financially whether it be him or a lodger, I’d be going back to the drawing board to review your situation and be looking to live properly within your means in a cheaper property.

But paying half of someone else's mortgage without having any claim on the property afterwards is pure idiocy. Would you?

Yes, because if I didn't pay them, I'd pay someone else (who would possibly also have a mortgage).

Whether it is 'someone's mortgage', or 'rent', or 'paying your way' is all semantics, unless the money goes directly to mortgage co, it's simply a contribution to your keep in the home.

And I think he should be paying half the £1,200, OP should be paying half the food and social costs (they might need to reduce their social life if the OP has slightly straitened means temporarily).

As for the OP remortgaging, that seems unlikely if she can't actually afford her current outgoings.

OP you sound incredibly young and honestly you are going to cause yourself huge long term problems by making massive mistakes now.

You are letting your partner walk all over you for fear of being alone. I imagine your partner can see this too and is acting as a massive cock lodger while using the threat of him not being happy, and putting the doubt in your mind that if he’s not happy he might as well go back to his parents, to make you suck up the fact he doesn’t want to give you any money so you’ll have to cope as you have been.

He is showing you who he is, he doesn’t respect you! You deserve an equal partner not one using you until something better comes along.

Two options.

He pays half bills, and you reduce your expenditure on take away a and going out to live within your means.

He moves out and you get a lodger.

I don’t see him continuing to live there for free but paying for the treats as a viable option.

Your bills are pretty fucking high considering it’s an interest only mortgage though!

It cost me 2 grand to live in my house including a repayment mortgage with a high balance.

Have you actually discussed having a 5 year plan with him? It's all well and good you saying that it's an investment to him but is he actually planning a proposal any time soon?

Yabbers.....

I bought my first 2 properties on interest only mortgages and see no reason why it is a bad idea, it should be much cheaper than rent and allowing for job wage increases over the years, makes much more sense than not getting on the property ladder.
Of course it is important to have a repayment plan, by assuming op has that, or is young enough to implement that in the not to distant future it should not be an issue..

It also sounds like she is improving the property with renovations which if done wisely should add equity.

If everyone waited until they could comfortably afford their home most would never get one!

He pays approximately £800 a month, plus ‘everything’ else, apart from the OP’s £1,200. How does this make him a coclodger?

OP was previously happy with this arrangement. OP is no longer happy with this arrangement and has had a discussion with him about HER outgoings and him not living in HER house ‘rent free’.

He has not been living for free. I think I’d be a pissed off with being called a free loader too!

@Dragongirl10 times are different to the irresponsible lending boom years and it is very difficult to get an interest only mortgage now. Precisely because they are a stupid idea unless you are counting on large equity rises.

You have to have a repayment vehicle typically now. I assume her parents have put that in place for her.

Whatever his argument he would be forking out a hell of a lot more if he were living independently. My uni student DS has higher costs than this manchild!

He has never had to fend for himself going from rent free parents to rent free you. He is a user why are you carrying this dead weight? If he were serious about your future together you would at minimum be splitting costs 50-50 but you say he earns more than you!! 😲 Surely you can do basic maths and see the free ride he's on?!

Dragon the Op cannot afford her home. She didn't fund the deposit and she can't even afford the interest only mortgage let alone financing renovations. Also her income is on a downward rather than upward trajectory and she doesn't have a property fit to let out / have a lodger. Also unlikely to be much in the way of capital gains in the UK property market short to medium term.

Op sounds over leveraged and far from helping her on the property ladder and saving her paying rent her parents look to have helped to trap her with an interest only mortgage millstone. If property prices go down they will doubtless be unhappy if they lose equity through a forced sale and will encourage her to stay trapped.

Not what you asked but the thing jumping out at me is amazement that you are paying £1200 a month on mortgage interest/bills yet not paying any capital off when your outgoings are quite high

Agree - this seems so high!

I'm in London and even with paying off the capital on my mortgage (£600pm) my outgoings are just less than yours! OP what on earth are these bills costing you?!

He just isn't ready to commit or marry and that's fine. he should just sleep over less eg once a week and put any spare money he has into buying himself a one bed flat somewhere even if he lets it out and lives with his parents. He was told it was no extra cost to have him there and now he's been told that was a lie. I am not surprised he is not too happy.

You need to reduce your outgoings basically. Stop the socialising. Heat your home less. Use less water. Stop buying stuff.

Do not I REPEAT NOT get pregnant by him. Or get engaged, or marry him.

Kick him out. Use all your spare cash to finish the basic work on the flat and let out your spare room to a lodger. Or two if you have more that one room . You can’t do more than two unless it’s a couple ( or siblings).

Then Change your mortgage to repayment.

My DD has just bought a flat, even though she only works PT as she’s also studying . Her mortgage is £1000 a month and her two lodgers pay £670 between them . They also split all the bills on top of that. So another £100 ( £50 each ).

So they each pay about the same as your BF is now agreeing to pay

BUT my DD gets twiceas much income as you and has much lower outgoings - she only has to pay £330 /month herself whereas you are paying £800.

AND her mortgage is getting paid off. She can make £7,500 a year tax free . She plans to do this for 5 years and then she will have paid off £60k of her debt.

You are not reducing your debt at all.

AND her lodgers don’t think they are doing her a favour. On the contrary , they get a really nice flat to live in at very reasonable rent, she gets the income. It’s a good deal for everyone.

Seriously, trade cocklodging BF for two nice lodgers. Reduce your stress, get financial security.

Find nicer BF.

To be honest I wouldn't want him living in and contributing to the house after what he says. Wondering if he would feel he had a stake in it if the two of you split. G wouldn't be comfortable trusting him at all now