AIBU?? Partner living in my house for free but it's crippling me financially

[Moneys2Tight2Mention]

This may be long!!!!

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but the reaction I have received from my boyfriend makes me feel like I have been!

I live in a mortgaged (interest only – this is relevant) house. The deposit was given to me by my parents and I cover all bills/mortgage etc. I went through a really tough time last year and my boyfriend of three months ended up staying over a lot. That has gone from “staying over a lot” to never actually going home and he has lived in the property rent free for the best part of a year now. He used to live with (and is officially registered at) his parents rent-free at their large house. I have never asked for a penny in rent etc and I have actually said to him on occasion when he has offered me a token gesture that it costs me the same whether he’s there or not and I don’t want his money.

He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion! He is self-employed and takes home a good wage. He puts a lot of money into savings every month.

Recently I have had an increase in outgoings elsewhere in my life. My work have also cut my hours and it’s got to the point where I am struggling financially. Yesterday I wrote down all of my outgoings and realised that they total a lot more than my take home wage therefore I am cutting into savings every month just to get by.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, I worked out that all in the house costs me £1200 a month (interest only mortgage and bills) and asked him for a small amount of money (suggested £100 a week) to help me out so I’m not always dipping into savings every month.

What ensued was really surprising to me!! He said that essentially he didn’t want to hand over money like that as he would be “paying off my mortgage” (interest only for the record – however he did not know this) for me. He threw back in my face that I always said that it costs the same to have him here than to not, and that he could just live at home for free so why would he pay me rent. He also said that if he paid me £100 a week and we had an argument, that he wouldn’t be entitled to anything back and would have essentially “lost” that money and be “throwing it away”.

I explained that my house is actually on an interest only mortgage as that’s all I can afford currently, so I am essentially not paying off my mortgage either, however have been “throwing away” £1200 for the pair of us to have a roof over our heads for the last year. I said that even if he gave me £100 tomorrow, he would have still had a year of “free living” from me so would no way be out of pocket. He also said he didn’t want to rent so that he could save money every month for “our future” – which is very well and good however I am draining my savings just so that he can live rent-free… I am going into the red every month whilst he furnishes his savings account.

We argued back and forth about this for about an hour and in the end he begrudgingly agreed to pay me the £100 a month. I can tell he’s unhappy about this and I am therefore unhappy about this too. There’s a huge elephant in the room today and we both have a bitter taste in our mouths and a sense of unfairness.

AIBU??? Should I just ask him for half the bills instead?

Thanks all

If he goes back to living with his parents you won't have anyone to pay the food bill or pay for all your outings. You will still have the same outgoings on your property. You will be worse off and without a BF who you say only started staying over to help you out / support you.

He will be back living rent free with his parents and saving for the future, which may or may not include you.

Have you both considered adding him to the mortgage and making it a repayment? Could he contribute his savings to match your parents' deposit and cut the monthly repayment? Would you consider downsizing to something you can afford or taking in a lodger?

I think this part of your post is relevant

"He is very generous with me, when we go out he pays for absolutely everything. He often picks up dinner etc on the way home and I rarely have to pay for any food shopping. We have a good social life and are always out and about, he will rarely let me pay for anything despite the fact that I insist on occasion"

If he's paying for all your going out and for all the food shopping then there's a good chance he is ALREADY paying his fair share.

Why not sort this out properly. Split the costs when you go out/shopping (rather than him paying it all) and split the bills in the house (rather than you paying them all). Bearing in mind the cost of renting these days £100 pcm is actually very reasonable but it might not seem that way if he's been living rent-free at his parents.

What about the council tax? Is he topping up the extra from the single person discount?

I would end things, before you start to think about marriage and kids. He sounds really selfish when it comes to money. Food for two adults who work ft can't have cost £1200 a month, every month, even with a few meals out or takeaways.

His money is his, yours is "ours" already, that attitude will get much worse if you have kids, that way lies misery!

I doubt he's spending £1200 on food, which is what the OP is spending on mortgage interest and bills.

OP, he's being unreasonable but you were a mug to let him live with you for a whole year without asking him to contribute. He should have been paying half the bills. I also think he should have been paying half the mortgage interest because presumably it's lower than market rent.

In any case, he's not a keeper so I suggest you kick him out and get a lodger.

Try MoneySavingExpert for excellent budgeting advice.

Seems like you know the answer already, OP. A working adult male should have to pay for his living costs no matter where that is, parents or girlfriend. He's saving for 'your' future? - but in his name only no doubt ... he needs to grow up and realise that adults have to pay for mortgage/rent, utilities, council tax, insurance etc and it all costs.

yanbu but he is not your partner. he is a cocklodger and you need him out of your life.

Basically you're using your savings to prop up his savings

I'd kick him out back to his parents house and get a lodger to help you with bills

What does the £1,200 you pay cover? Does it include your ‘personal’ expenses such as expenses for travelling to work, mobile phone, car insurance, clothing etc?

You say he pays for all the food, nights out and pays for ‘everything’. How much roughly?

Are you still expecting him to pay for all the food, nights out and everything? Plus pay £100? Or does the £100 replace his paying for everything?

Well it costs you more in council tax for a start (so single occupier discount) and in bills (from a little more in electricity to twice as much on food). Where does he think that this money is coming from?
What does he intend to do with his substantial savings whilst you live hand to mouth?

Send the entitled twat back to mummy and daddy, and let them suffer the financial consequences of their failure to teach him about real life.

Thanks for your replies. I am really shocked as he genuinely isn’t normally tight at all. Won’t let me put my hand in my pocket if we are out etc.

You're correct that it is my personal circumstances that have changed (not to do with him) and my work have reduced my hours so that I have a huge increase in costs. I did used to be able to afford it and it was never an issue. We were out all the time, he got the food shopping and paid for our outings etc and I paid for the house, all seemed fair. However now I would rather not go out so much and have him help towards the house.

I haven’t asked him for half the mortgage, I worked out that at £100 a week he would be paying £433 a month and I would pay £767 out of the £1200. I am hoping to re-mortgage soon to a repayment mortgage which should actually lower the cost and have said we can re-look at costs then and maybe just have him pay bills if he’s not happy to contribute to the mortgage.

Like I say, he has begrudgingly agreed so he can’t understand why I am still a bit grumpy about it all this morning, but as he’s so unhappy with the arrangement I would rather him just pay me nothing now. Starting to wish I had never brought it all up.

Is your good social life, eating out, always being out and about - fully funded by him every time?

It's not generous to pick up the bill for food shopping and some meals out. How much do you reckon that comes to in a month? No he shouldn't be paying your mortgage, he should be paying you a realistic rent. Then sort out how you'll split essential bills for food and going out separately.

Kick him out. He is shameless.

You've got yourself a cocklodger OP.

To all those people saying he should be paying half the mortgage.

Does that mean he should also get 50% of the increase in the property price once the OP comes to sell???

Anyone - male or female - who pays someone else's mortgage without accruing the benefit of the investment is a total mug. The advice being given here is appalling.

Yes - a contribution to cover the fact that he's not having to pay rent elsewhere is fair. But paying half of someone else's mortgage without having any claim on the property afterwards is pure idiocy. Would you?

Your housing costs are the same whether he lives with you permanently or not. However, asking him to make a contribution called "rent" or could be construed as such could make him entitled to a share of an increase in whatever equity you might have acquired. Although he'd need to try and enforce that in court. As he appears to have plenty of savings, thanks to having no housing costs of his own, he might have the resources to do it.

If he's with you full-time then it would not be unreasonable of you to ask for a share of Council Tax, utility bills and groceries. In his mind, he could consider that he's contributing equally already. Your own cut in hours and consquent reduction in income is not his fault.

I'd look at how much it would be costing you to live there alone and how much it costs with him living there. Would also be looking at how much he actually contributes. Food bill is probably the most expensive thing in our house. Would you be able to afford it all if he moved back in with his parents?

don't brush this under the carpet, get rid!

Well, if he doesn't like £100 a week rent than he can go back to his parents or he can rent a room in a shared house or a bedsit, which is likely to be far less cosy for much the same amount of money. YANBU

His being in your house does cost you money. You won't be entitled to your single occupancy discount for your council tax for a start. He uses water which will cost you if you are on a meter. He uses gas/electric assuming he ever has a shower, a cup of coffee, or charges his phone at your house He is causing wear and tear on your household furnishings and goods. All very small, almost negligible amounts, but still costing you money.

The biggest load of bollocks is the claim he is saving for your future so shouldn't pay rent. Assuming you have a future (and I very much doubt it), he will benefit from the house you're buying, so paying rent to you is equally providing for your future.

Bout time you told him in soma basic Anglo Saxon terms to Fuck Off!

£1200 is mortgage, council tax, water and sewerage, gas and electric, broadband, contents insurance (all his stuff is here!), netflix, spotify and TV licence.

You've allowed the situation to happen by not addressing it in the first place.

If you want to keep the relationship going, rent your house out and rent somewhere together where the split is even?

But don't be a doormat and let him save when he's living rent free!

If the relationship is serious enough that you've lived together for over a year, and he's saving for your future together, then you should be sharing all the financial burden. Especially considering he earns so well and you've admitted to him that you are struggling. I'm shocked he's not been paying rent, he should have offered a long time ago.

You've already made an agreement regarding that £100 a week so keep your resolve and stick with it for now, but I would find a lodger to move in as well as you need the financial help. As he's repeatedly reminded you, it's your mortgage and your responsibility, so it's your choice if you need an extra person to help with rent. If he doesn't like it tell him he can fuck off back to his parent's house. I don't mean to be rude about your partner but it sounds like his attitude is really childish, as if he doesn't truly understand the financial burden that comes from running a house. Which isn't surprising since he's been living at mummy and daddy's and they've been bearing the financial burden.

first if you were single you would be getting 25% reduction on council tax so he should be paying that 25% at least,
half of broadband/landline, gas water and electric and contents insurance as well as food toiletries etc
the mortgage and buildings insurance only benefit you unless at some point this will be both your homes
if you are living together and earn roughly the same living costs should be 50/50 however if someone is on 30k and the other on 10K 50/50 is not really fair
so explain he needs to pay lodging costs not rent
do not accept going out as part of the bills as if you are earning less you need to go out less, you need the 50% to pay bills and see if anything is left after bills for entertainment him paying 100% of entertainment while leaving you to pay 100% of water is not fair as one is discretionary, one month he could not go out but you have no option but pay water bill
it maybe that the £15 he paid to take you to a restaurant would be better spent on gas or you could save by shopping at aldi