MIL staying with us weekly?

[tokira]

NC for this. I need to know if I've lost perspective!

We are moving house soon and will have an extra room at the new place. DS is 3 and my MIL really dotes on him. She lives about 2 hours away, door-to-door.

DH is looking forward to having an extra room at the new place and has been talking about asking MIL come down and stay for 3 nights every week to help look after DS, particularly once he starts school. We both work full-time.

I've had a very visceral reaction to this and am shocked by how violently against this I'm feeling. It's not that MIL and I don't get along, she can be lovely but we are very different people and there is a certain MIL/DIL dynamic to contend with.

On the other hand, I worry that I'm being ungrateful as MIL is been a wonderful grandmother to DS and really goes out of her way to make his childhood amazing (Christmas at the in-laws was a whole production for junior...)

I'm also kind of annoyed with DH for suggesting this arrangement (and being very ready to suggest this to his MIL) without thinking it through from my POV. (in this regard, there are some similarities between mother and son!) Even after I brought it up, he couldn't seem to empathise with my objections, IYSWIM?

AIBU to feel this way? Or am I a snowflake DIL who needs to get a grip and appreciate how lucky we are to have MIL's help at hand!?

I wouldn't be having anyone to stay in my house for 3 days a week! YANBU

Blimey yanbu, even if we got on like a house on fire I wouldn't commit to this.

No chance! That's your gut telling you it's a very bad idea. You get on well, don't push it!

YANBU!

Dotty - you've hit the nail on the head - this would be asking MIL and us to make a commitment that would be very difficult to change (she would be committing to changing her lifestyle quite drastically - though this is something she has said she would be happy to do for DS).

I've been so stressed about other things recently that I wasn't sure if my mind has been overreacting to this.

3 days a week, every week is a lodger.

Is your MIL onboard with this? My mum is a very involved and doting granny but if I suggested she did this she’d give me a slap round the head.

Another yanbu. That's asking for trouble.

Of course YANBU.
Massive change of dynamics to have someone staying in your house 3x a week.
Quite frankly, what makes your dh think this would even appeal to his dm?
Presumably she has her own lofe to live, 2 hours away, however much she loves your ds ?

Perhaps ask him to clarify which 3 days of EVERY week she will be coming so you can ensure that your relative (choose an annoying one) can make sure their 3 days don't clash!

It's not unreasonable for him to have her over, but a rigid weekly arrangement sounds suffocating. Maybe once a month, or every other week? Is it possible his imagination is rubbish and he can't see how much it'll feel to have his mum around for every single Wednesday, Thursday and Friday for the foreseeable future?

Regardless of whether you get on or not, we move out of our parents houses for a reason.
It's allows you to grow and find your own way of living. It would be very hard to go back to being a child in your own home almost half a week every week.
Dh is being very thoughtless for not seeing your pov.

@Penny - yes she is actually, though obviously not as ideal as if we were to move closer to them (which was what they previously suggested a number of times - went as far as looking up local school options for DS). This is what I meant by doting, she is doting on DS to the point where I actually sometimes feel uncomfortable myself (and frankly there are times when I know I am being accidentally judged by in-laws for prioritising being a working mum over going part-time/being a SAHM in order to more time at home with DS, but that's a whole other skeleton of worms in the closet that I keep firmly shut in order to focus on the positives all-round).

but that's a whole other skeleton of worms in the closet that I keep firmly shut in order to focus on the positives all-round).

You shouldn’t be ignoring this when it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Your recent update is a bit “Single White Female-y” behaviour from your MIL.

This idea needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP.

Er going to upset people here but,
If you need childcare as you will both be working ft, isn’t it great that you have a family member who loves DS very much and is willing to contribute to child care?
I do understand the horror at having mil stay that much on a regular basis and if she does ground rules must be laid down firmly.
What other plans do you have?
Are you upset that DH didn’t really discuss it with you before getting all excited?

There is NO way I would even consider this. I like things, routines in our house done my way. I like to parent our way. I would hate our parenting choices to be challenged as MIL parents differently. Nope just nope

@Loving, yes your first sentence is actually what I have been telling myself which is why I feel sucky for reacting badly.

Other plans would involve paid childcare.

Re DH, I got upset because he spoke about it in a "well this is an obviously ideal solution why wouldn't we" kind of way, instead of approaching it in a more discursive way. DH is also lovely but has an occasional tendency to troubleshoot and arrive straight to a decision/conclusion without bringing people along with him through his thought process.

I should add that DS already stays over at Mail's once or twice a month, for which we are very grateful.

This new arrangement however feels a step too far?

Thanks everyone for sharing your views. This has been keeping me up!

That should say "MIL's"!

Looks like you’ve got to weigh up your choices.
If you really hate the thought of mil living with you and having all that control over your child (can’t give responsibility without authority) then you have to find alternative options.
If you can afford it fine.
Sounds tho that you are going to have a fight on your hands if you decide mil care is not for you.
If DH is all for it, it’s free and it’s his mum you may have to fight your corner.
Good luck!

Sorry. Don’t know if I missed it or not but is there a FIL?

3 days a week could easily go to ‘Mum doesn’t really need the expense of her own house for a few days a week’
And you could find that spare room is no longer spare 😀

I think the thing is that you have a great relationship with your MIL and moving her in for three days a week sounds much too risky. You need to have a good relationship with her for as long as you are her son's wife and frankly that kind of setup would be tempting fate.

I'd lay odds he's suggested this in hopes his mother provides the support he'd otherwise be expected to provide!

I also think this could lead to mil moving in fully by stealth.

I would actually get murderous after two weeks. Toss up at who, likely DH.

DH tried to suggest FIL living with us at one point. I said he was welcome to live with me or FIL but not both.

He hasn't asked her yet, so you need to talk with him. What did you say when he mooted this?

I agree, no way would I have MIL live with us

Three nights a week is a bit much but maybe three nights every three or four weeks would be extremely helpful. Not a bad compromise, I think. Why not suggest that? It will lovely for her to help with her grandchild and you'll feel good about yourself.