MIL staying with us weekly?

[tokira]

NC for this. I need to know if I've lost perspective!

We are moving house soon and will have an extra room at the new place. DS is 3 and my MIL really dotes on him. She lives about 2 hours away, door-to-door.

DH is looking forward to having an extra room at the new place and has been talking about asking MIL come down and stay for 3 nights every week to help look after DS, particularly once he starts school. We both work full-time.

I've had a very visceral reaction to this and am shocked by how violently against this I'm feeling. It's not that MIL and I don't get along, she can be lovely but we are very different people and there is a certain MIL/DIL dynamic to contend with.

On the other hand, I worry that I'm being ungrateful as MIL is been a wonderful grandmother to DS and really goes out of her way to make his childhood amazing (Christmas at the in-laws was a whole production for junior...)

I'm also kind of annoyed with DH for suggesting this arrangement (and being very ready to suggest this to his MIL) without thinking it through from my POV. (in this regard, there are some similarities between mother and son!) Even after I brought it up, he couldn't seem to empathise with my objections, IYSWIM?

AIBU to feel this way? Or am I a snowflake DIL who needs to get a grip and appreciate how lucky we are to have MIL's help at hand!?

Just to clarify,
Is this coming from your MIL or your DH?

If you feel already uncomfortable... it is not a good idea to follow through.

My hubby studies while having a full time job and I made it clear from the beginning that family comes before his studies... So he studies when lo is sleeping or I am out with LO. Honestly it has been working well and our own relationship gained in sharing about his studies :)

That is our arrangement though, hope you find one that helps you out without stress.

Since everything was fine by your own admission pre pregnancy, could you be the problem here?

Sorry, wrong thread.

Poor MIL, it's not a great deal for her either is it?

I think Jane Austen had it right when she portrayed older women as solely valued for their free caring capacity.

YANBU.

Just to come at this from the other perspective - I'm the MIL in a scenario not unlike this one. My DD, her DP & the DGC live 2 hours away, and I travel to them every 2 weeks, arriving on Sunday evening and returning on Wednesday am after taking the DGC to school/nursery. This way, I'm not travelling every week - so can continue to have a life of my own - but I save them a day a week in childcare costs.
It works okay generally - but I have to be very careful to watch myself, as after a whole day of saying, 'No, don't do that sweetheart' etc.. you tend to continue in 'Mum mode' when Mum is there - which I would have hated when mine were small...!
I've also found that, as I've got older, my energy levels are lower - which solves one problem, as I tend to go to bed not long after the kids - partly to rest, read and sleep, and partly to allow my DD & her DP time alone.
I've been doing this for 4 years (since DD returned to work after DGC1 was born - DGC2 is now 2) and (hopefully) I'll be okay to continue until they're both in school. It's allowed me to build a close bond with them, so I'd like to see them from time to time after that.
Communication is the key - OP, can you talk to - and be heard by - your MIL? Maybe suggest a monthly visit at first, with emergency help for sickness etc..??

I feel Sorry for your MIL, bye bye life of her own. Hopefully she will say no.

I know people who have done this for their offspring, it always ends in resentment.

I’m glad you DH has seen sense and rejected the idea. I have just become a DGM but I also still have my own career. I would not be prepared to have life hijacked even after I retire.

Plus I have so many things I want to do. One of them is to enjoy being a DGM, not taking on full parenting again.

I also like the freedom to enjoy sex with my DH when we fancy it, to walk around naked in the evenings when we want to and to be able to slob around watching crap TV in my PJs and be antisocial. I couldn’t do that with a weekly commitment.

Did he actually discuss it with MIL I wonder? I am a MIL, and while I was getting really pissed off with being dumped with DGC on a regular basis, poor DDIL was getting really stressed at her baby being taken away from her..

DS had got carried away, thought he was helping, and having not discussed with anyone had managed to cause everyone major upset. I thought he and DIL were in agreement, DIL thought DS & I had been making plans without her. I now make sure I check with DDIL first before agreeing to anything involving the baby.

You'll probably find that your MIL isn't any more keen on this idea than you are .

There are so many questions I’d be considering first OP:

• What would MIL do with herself all day while DS was at school? Would she be taking control of your household?

• Would she be able to switch off when you got home and wanted to spend some quality time with DS or would she be wrestling control from you?

• Where would MIL spend her evenings after DS is in bed? Will she watch tv in her room, or always be with you in the longe (giving you no private time with DH)?

• How would you feel if DS turned to MIL for comfort when upset instead of you, because he’s used to her being around so much?

My MIL is no longer with us, but not in a million years would I ever have agreed to an arrangement like this.

this will be long but.....my friend has 2 DSs. when the eldest was a few months old she went back to work full time. after FILs death her MIL decided her house was too big for her and she would move into the annex while my friend and her DH (MILs son) would have the large house, mortgage free. She worded it as inheritance early and to avoid penalties and it being taken. Also MIL was retired and only in the annex so would have the children everyday to save money. Friend saved around £2000 a month on mortgage and childcare plus friends high wage. So they bought a small house in Surrey and planned to rent it out as a retirement fund. MIL encouraged this and was really helpful minding DS1 while they went viewing and on weekends to check out areas etc.

Everything was great at first. She had another DS and went on maternity. It was then, when spending large amounts with her DS1 that she noticed odd things. He wouldnt eat her pasta as "grandmas is better". He wanted grandma to bath/play/cuddle him. She took him to his usual playgroups and was a bit confused when people were a bit off with her but lovely to DS1. Turns out they thought he lived with grandma. Which he did I suppose. But grandma had given them the impression he lived JUST with her and his parents werent around had dumped him and ran.
MIL had obviously never said those words, just alluded to it, so it was just "silly gossips getting it wrong".

Friend went back to work after second sons birth and MIL had him too. There was nothing she could put her finger on as to why it felt off but something did. She had a high mortgage on the surrey house so giving up work wasnt an option. MIL then got worse. Things like taking letters out of the childrens nursery bags before friend could see them. So first she would hear of a "dress up day" would be when MIL posted a photograph on social media or text it to her, with DS stood dressed like willy wonka in a costume she had never seen before. or pictures of DS with "star of the week" certificate on MILs social media with nobody even telling friend. her husband had a word and her argument was "well i raise them. why does she need to see a letter about something im sorting? its me who dresses and takes them every morning. If you two want to take them and pick them up youre welcome to.". Not an option. Also would remove nativity letters and only tell them the day before. Usually resulting in one of them not being able to get time off and MIL getting the ticket. It ended that friend had to contact the school and get the letters given to her via a friend.

MIL also started doing the food shopping during the day and loading their fridge. Despite their protesting she did it "to give you more time". So she was slowly taking over feeding the family. She would often leave a shepherds pie as "i was making it for the babies dinner anyway". She did all packed lunches, breakfast and dinners so knew all their favourite things and would embarrass friend in front of people. I remember being round one day and DS wanting a snack. MIL went to do it and, when friend put her foot down MIL said "ok, well i bought bits today and his snacks are in the jar". friend brought back a jaffa cake and MIL announced "oh he doesnt like jaffa cakes". thats all that was in the jar.

She literally took over. Was there every birthday and christmas. Did the boys clothes shopping "sainsburys had a sale". All lovely items as well so nothing you could really complain about or ask to buy your own. Everytime they had friends over she would pop round. they couldnt sell the house as MIL had a legal right to be in there until she died (plus you morally cant turf your own mother out). They tried to use paid childcare but MIL threw a hysterical fit everytime. She had paid for their house, done their washing/ironing/housework/shopping (literally everything) until the boys were 5/6 and now they were excluding her. the 2 DSs adored her as well.

my friend is now in the process of selling the surrey house. her DH doesnt realize but when its sold her, and the proceeds, will leave him and his mother and buy a house for her and her boys. She is terrified about the prospect of sending her DSs to see their dad every weekend and she knows MIL is going to get him to fight for full custody. Without giving up her job she has no idea how she will financially cope and what she will do for childcare. Also her children only know Grandma as their carer so no idea how thats going to all work.

Just no.

Well glad that your DH has taken your views on board. It would have been a no from me too.

Rhino that is just horrific

YANBU.

My MIL stays one night a week and that's only because she works with DP and has a long commute so stops over one night in the week to save the drive. And that's fine. But three nights? no way.

@berylstreep thing is, MIL is a lovely woman. shes minded my kids a few times when Ive been absolutely jammed. Always the grandma to take ALL the kids outside to play at parties etc. She just figured that she had raised these boys and so they are hers. Which I can sort of see her theory. friend should never have allowed things to happen but they were done so slowly and "helpfully". who wouldnt love having their dinner made for them or their washing done! And always with a smile and a "oh, you go put your feet up and I'll make a cup of tea". She also did things like spoil them all on their birthdays. so it wasnt out of place when she bought the boys large items as she had also spend that on DIL. she was just generous. except now shes the first one in there with the bikes and the lego sets!

I’m trying to think of there is anyone I’d be happy doing this with. Even up to my sister who I see rarely because she lives so far away and who I miss dearly and is my best friend. Nope, couldn’t even do this with her.

I agree with Missnevermind's point and I would also ask if you have a Mum too? How would it work if the Mum's alternated turns? That way your child is having access and quality time to both grannies and that one will not have an overbearing influence and say over the child to the other's consternation (which you will certainly get to hear about ''that woman'').

She's not some stranger or acquaintance she's family. Remember that. You have to do a cost benefit assessment. Would her presence be an overall benefit to you? You have to express in greater detail why you have such an aversion to hear presence or assistance. Just remember loving helpful family is a blessing. Be careful listening to people that don't have or value family. They envy and are ignorant to understanding what a loving, caring and supporting family means.

I’d agree to something like a Thursday and Friday every second week. Definitely not every week for three days. I would go mental and we would be heading for divorce if that was the case.

Tokita,. Do not agree to your MIL moving in, it took me four years to get my MIL out of my house.

DH is also lovely but has an occasional tendency to troubleshoot and arrive straight to a decision/conclusion without bringing people along with him through his thought process.

So a controlling arsehole, then?

I'm MiL's age and I'd rather eat my own liver. I'm astonished she's agreed.

I wouldn't want anyone in my home for 3 days a week except immediate family..

Plus, I'm pretty sure that shed end up moving in full time and you'd end up her carer

We do this although my parents. It works but we have a lot of space and it's only two nights. Fact is by time I get home at 8pm and be in bed 10pm it's only two hours. We actually see them less because we don't do any weekends.

I think when you are on maternity leave it feels like a lot but when you are back at work having someone here rather than another two days of pick up make life just so much easier