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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL staying with us weekly?

221 replies

tokira · 03/01/2019 01:13

NC for this. I need to know if I've lost perspective!

We are moving house soon and will have an extra room at the new place. DS is 3 and my MIL really dotes on him. She lives about 2 hours away, door-to-door.

DH is looking forward to having an extra room at the new place and has been talking about asking MIL come down and stay for 3 nights every week to help look after DS, particularly once he starts school. We both work full-time.

I've had a very visceral reaction to this and am shocked by how violently against this I'm feeling. It's not that MIL and I don't get along, she can be lovely but we are very different people and there is a certain MIL/DIL dynamic to contend with.

On the other hand, I worry that I'm being ungrateful as MIL is been a wonderful grandmother to DS and really goes out of her way to make his childhood amazing (Christmas at the in-laws was a whole production for junior...)

I'm also kind of annoyed with DH for suggesting this arrangement (and being very ready to suggest this to his MIL) without thinking it through from my POV. (in this regard, there are some similarities between mother and son!) Even after I brought it up, he couldn't seem to empathise with my objections, IYSWIM?

AIBU to feel this way? Or am I a snowflake DIL who needs to get a grip and appreciate how lucky we are to have MIL's help at hand!?

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 03/01/2019 11:48

Would your mil be even interested in doing this.Theres being doted on but you can give them back.

I think your dh has got ahead of himself here.

ClarabellaCTL · 03/01/2019 11:56

Hell no, a million times no. YANBU. Don't get sucked into this. If it all goes wrong it will be very hard to change it.

Mymadworld · 03/01/2019 12:02

My Dm used to arrive early evening Sunday, have Ds all day Monday and then DH once finished work (earlier than me) Dm would drive home. On the odd occasion we were home later she would stay a 2nd night and drop ds at nursery then head off.

It worked for us in many ways but only because:

Dc is very independent and easy going
DH & I got to go out any Sunday night we wanted
Ds adores her and she was respectful of our parenting
DM knew we would work something else out if she wanted to go away/have a week off with a bit of notice plus our in-laws would stay for the weekend every couple of months and give her a break as well
1 night was plenty for all of us and the times it was 2 nights I think we all recognised this.

TheKurgan · 03/01/2019 12:04

My MIL very generously did this to look after our first child for a year. She stayed over one or two nights every week. I will forever be grateful to her for this but I have to say it was a blessed relief when the arrangement came to a natural and amicable end. She drove me bonkers at times and I'm sure the feeling was mutual. DH was, of course, oblivious to all undercurrents, veiled criticisms, etc.

Stormy76 · 03/01/2019 12:10

Perhaps you could give it a try, my parents helped massively with childcare in my home and theirs. We have had my parents living with us for 6 months or so and you would be surprised at how quickly you drop into a routine and how much help you get. If this is because of financial reasons then you may have to do it whether you like it or not. I honestly don't see a problem with GP going to a nativity or to Xmas lights being switched on, if she is being informed about the planned event then she see's that as the invite to attend. don't turn your nose up to support from a GP, speak to her yourself and express your concerns, and the house rules.

DarkLikeVader · 03/01/2019 12:14

@tokira I’m glad your husband has listened to you on this. But earlier you posted “ I think I will say that MIL staying over once a month for maybe 1-2 nights at a time is a good idea (and in between, DS can go visit as well) . I don’t think this is a great idea either. A precedent will be set very quickly and once your DS is at school you’ll live for the weekend - will you really want 50% of them already booked up for you and him? He’ll be tired and that’s before you add in the endless round of parties and honework projects that seems to exist. I think you’d be better not committing to anything too regular until you find out how school goes for you all...

famousfour · 03/01/2019 12:31

I think this could only work if you are totally happy with their parenting style and for your MIL to have significant involvement in your family life. You can hardly accept three days of childcare and then start excluding her from things like nativities and school shows. Even then I would put a time limit on it.

From what you have posted i think it would not work. But you have already dealt with that!

harrypotterfan1604 · 03/01/2019 12:34

I love my MIL and when my baby arrives I know she will be super helpful and thoughtful but no way I could have her staying with me 3 nights a week. One night a week would be too much!

InDubiousBattle · 03/01/2019 12:37

You say you both work ft op, what are you hours in terms of commute etc? I think 3 over nights a week is too much (for all involved)but 1 or 2 nights a week sounds good if it would mean your ds could have 2 'short days' where he went straight home from school with grandma. A friend of mine has had a similar set up for 4 years now, her parents (initially only her mum but both now her dad's retired) go to theirs on a Sunday night and stay until Tuesday. It has worked well but wasn't open ended, it was an arrangement for whilst the dc were little to avoid ft nursery so there will be a natural end to it when her youngest goes to school, your situation seems much more open ended.

What would you MIL do during the school day at yours?

Maelstrop · 03/01/2019 23:56

Counseling, @tokira? For what? Are there other issues going on?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/01/2019 09:55

It’s a bit ‘The little House’ by Philippa Gregory!

And we know how that ended . . .

MummyMayo1988 · 04/01/2019 17:48

YANBU - I love and adore my MIL; we've always had a close relationship HOWEVER I could not have her in my home 3 night's a week (pretty sure she wouldn't want to be here either 😆)
That kind of situation would cross soo many boundaries in your marriage/relationship. I think your partner is being a bit of a mummies boy and needs to get over the fact that - while you love his mother - you don't like the idea he is proposing! X

castielchace · 04/01/2019 17:59

Omg I actually had to read this twice!!! Your hubby wants to ask his mum to stay in your house,three nights a week every week to look after your son[grin..bugger that,I'd be sending hubby to live with his mother instead😂

Solange1973 · 04/01/2019 18:01

Three days a week is excessive! One day a week maybe but three...I wouldn’t have my own mother stay that long every week so MIL...no way!

LouH1981 · 04/01/2019 18:02

YANBU and I would absolutely hate this. Your home is your sanctuary and you should always feel comfortable there and this will be impossible with MIL around.
Nice offer but no!

Juells · 04/01/2019 18:05

HRTFT but if your MiL stays 3 days a week and is there while you're working she's going to arrange the house to suit herself, and will be put out if you move anything or put something back where you like it.

Petalflowers · 04/01/2019 18:07

I would hate having mil staying half the week. It changes the dynamic of the house.

If you both work f/t now, you must have childcare arrangements in place. Why can’t they continue?

If you are fine as you are now, i wouldn’t change anything. Maybe when dc starts school, then reconsider the situation.

Obviously invite her over to stay, but not on a regular basis.

IrisTs · 04/01/2019 18:14

It really depends. My mum lives abroad and comes and stays 2 months on 2 months off to look after ds. When she goes back the other grandparents have him. It saves us thousands on childcare until he is 3 and we get the 30hrs. I find it more stressful to drop ds to other grandparents as it adds another 1.5 hrs to my already busy day. Having mum here is great. She cooks for Ds, helps with my household chores, picks up few bits of shopping when we are running short. Yes I do miss the space a bit but the positives outweigh negatives for me atm.

cheminotte · 04/01/2019 18:18

Yanbu.
Friends of mine have had their mothers staying one or two days a week to do child-care / school run. One had twins, the other was a single mum so having her mum doing some of the school runs meant she could actually have a career.
But it was their own mother rather than MIL in both cases.

Have you considered how you and your husband will manage school runs and holiday childcare? That is a discussion worth having in any case.

ichifanny · 04/01/2019 18:22

No way I’d struggle with anyone in my house staying for 3 days a month never mind weekly , it means she lives at yours 40% of the time FUCK THAT

angelfacecuti75 · 04/01/2019 18:29

Dh won't be concerned with it as its his mum so obviously won't see the problem. I would however be pointing out that a)he'd be being very cheeky expecting mil to give up 3 days a week for the rest of her life and b) no you categorically don't want her to stay and you're not budging on it and explain why. Ask him how he'd feel if you moved your mother in for 3 days a week? I think men just see a solution to a problem and think "that's it that's resolved" and steam roll on with their plan , no matter what everyone else feels or thinks. So they need it in big neon capital letters, skywritten

Hector2000 · 04/01/2019 18:35

I would NOT want my MIL staying with us regularly, but then to be fair she is an emotionally frigid, uninterested grandparent who barely does her “duty” by seeing my two DSs once or twice a year, so the scenario would be highly unlikely 😂

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/01/2019 18:57

I love the way it's proposed that a grandparent comes to provide a lot of (presumably free) childcare, and straightaway everyone's banging on about 'ground rules'.

Has anyone asked the granny whether she actually wants to give up so much of her time? I hope - for the OP's sake as well as hers - that she says, No way, thanks very much!

canadianbanana · 04/01/2019 19:01

"she has said she would be happy to do for DS" This part screams to me -- she will intrude on your relationship. The fact that your DH suggested it, and can't see your side is a RED FLAG. I predict that when there is an issue between you and his mom, he will take her side and think you are being unreasonable. Lovely husbands can become such blind idiots where their mothers are concerned. Don't do it, it will end in tears, and be very difficult to back out of.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 04/01/2019 19:09

I'm glad your DH backtracked immediately after you expressed your gut feelings on the subject. It would indeed be a terribly idea if you weren't happy with it.

AS for this: frankly there are times when I know I am being accidentally judged by in-laws for prioritising being a working mum over going part-time/being a SAHM in order to more time at home with DS -- I would pull her up immediately if you ever feel this way from her by asking her why it's ok for her son to do so. Unacceptable for anyone to treat women as lesser for not wanting to be home with their children doing more for them while men blithely carry on doing whatever they want to do.