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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL staying with us weekly?

221 replies

tokira · 03/01/2019 01:13

NC for this. I need to know if I've lost perspective!

We are moving house soon and will have an extra room at the new place. DS is 3 and my MIL really dotes on him. She lives about 2 hours away, door-to-door.

DH is looking forward to having an extra room at the new place and has been talking about asking MIL come down and stay for 3 nights every week to help look after DS, particularly once he starts school. We both work full-time.

I've had a very visceral reaction to this and am shocked by how violently against this I'm feeling. It's not that MIL and I don't get along, she can be lovely but we are very different people and there is a certain MIL/DIL dynamic to contend with.

On the other hand, I worry that I'm being ungrateful as MIL is been a wonderful grandmother to DS and really goes out of her way to make his childhood amazing (Christmas at the in-laws was a whole production for junior...)

I'm also kind of annoyed with DH for suggesting this arrangement (and being very ready to suggest this to his MIL) without thinking it through from my POV. (in this regard, there are some similarities between mother and son!) Even after I brought it up, he couldn't seem to empathise with my objections, IYSWIM?

AIBU to feel this way? Or am I a snowflake DIL who needs to get a grip and appreciate how lucky we are to have MIL's help at hand!?

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2019 10:05

One other point - did your DH seriously discuss this plan with MiL before discussing it with you?

If so that is outrageous that he is setting her up for disappointment with you carrying the blame. He would be a self centred prat if he did this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/01/2019 10:18

there are some similarities between mother and son! ... Even after I brought it up, he couldn't seem to empathise with my objections

And that's your biggest problem right there

Like the PP, I'd be very concerned that he may have discussed this with MIL in depth and without consulting you, even to the point of them considering it a "done deal"

The other issue is that, once used to spending so long at yours, it would be very easy for her to expect to move in completely if left on her own one day. When making plans, it might be wise to consider this too

Dieu · 03/01/2019 10:27

This would be overkill, but as with most things in life, there will be compromises that can be made.

Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 03/01/2019 10:37

Dear God, no. There is not a single good reason for doing this from your point of view. Once a month for a couple of nights sounds like a more than reasonable compromise.

If your DH needs his DM that much, suggest he goes to hers. That way you’ll have control of the remote and all of the bed.

ineedaholidaynow · 03/01/2019 10:44

I couldn't do this, whether it was my DM or MIL (so no MIL bashing).

If DS is 3 do you get funding for childcare?

Also I would have thought every week when DS starts school would be overkill as DS wouldn't be home for large part when MIL is there. You would probably need more help in the school holidays (unless either of you do term time working), so maybe her coming to stay for part of the school holidays may be a compromise

LavaLampLover · 03/01/2019 10:47

My parents paid travel expenses for my nan to come up from Brighton once a week for two or three nights at a time, but this was when I was a teenager and it was so she could help clean the house as well as see us as she was on her own, and she was a devoted housewife all her life who seemed to thrive on cleaning. She also provided a steady lap for my very nervous cat. She was the only human my cat would go near. We knew she would never expect to move in full-time, she had a granny flat right by the ocean and she liked her own space. But that doesn't mean it would be right for everyone to try these sorts of arrangements. The childcare situation makes it ideal but she might turn out to be a CF who tries to move in permanently on undermine how you run your house.

SushiMonster · 03/01/2019 10:56

3 nights a week, every week?

Not unless you NEED free child care super badly. That is a lot of extra person time in the household.

TheABC · 03/01/2019 11:04

TBH, at 3 years old your son is eligible for the government's funded hours and wrap around care for school is less expensive. It may also be the case that MIL will prefer having your son at their house when he is older (assuming you will be happy about that) for a few days during the school holidays. Once a month is a good compromise as it also gives you time off without impinging massively on her life. Finally, it's no-one's business but yours, but that third bedroom may come in handy as a new office, nursery or au paur's room. It pays to keep your options open.

HazelBite · 03/01/2019 11:08

From my own perspective (and that of many of my friends) our adult children, seeing that we love and adore our Gc's, assume that we want to look after them ad-infinitum.
We are all too nice to refuse! But sometimes we have plans, want a lie in, just don't have the physical/mental energy that day, but hey we don't like to say no.
I think that the OP's OH has probably not considered his Mum, because of her obvious love and affection for her grandchild, he thinks it will be great idea so she can see alot of the GC whilst helping her beloved son out!
I've got news for a whole generation of young parents, we've done our bit, Whilst we love our Dc's and are delighted with our GC's we have got lives of our own and far less energy than you can possibly imagine..
MIL might be happy to do the odd day here and there perhaps a day on a regular basis but 3 days a week, but I doubt if she really wants to do 3 days and is far too nice to say no and also if she says "I'd rather not" she is worried she comes across of not wanting to see her grandchild, which is far from the truth.
I think the OP should have a diplomatic word with MIL I can imagine that MIL does not want to reject her beloved son's suggestion but values her own time as well.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/01/2019 11:13

Can you afford the childcare if she doesn't stay over OP? If so then you have a choice to say no that doesn't work for you. Even those with a good relationship with their MIL would find 3 days a week too much.

BarbarianMum · 03/01/2019 11:14

Not sure it sounds very fair on your MiL. What happens when ds starts school - does she then get dropped back into her (now disrupted) old life again? Im sure your dh loves his mum but it sounds like he's taking her for granted.

In your position OP Id work out a more sustainable pattern of visiting w your MiL. What about 3 nights/4 days once a month including a weekend so she can see you and her son and be granny rather than free childcare?

Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 03/01/2019 11:15

I presume you have explained to him that this means no funny business on MIL nights nor on however many nights it takes you to recover from her visits?

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 03/01/2019 11:18

Is fil dh's step df?

HauntedPencil · 03/01/2019 11:21

Your compromise sounds ideal. Every week it's too much!

neverdidnt · 03/01/2019 11:22

We had this when I first went back to work. We were so grateful, but honestly looking back should’ve said no. My relationship with my MIL is terrible now, and had been good before she came to stay. And it almost broke our marriage - I think we spent more on counselling than we would’ve on childcare! Don’t do it

Maelstrop · 03/01/2019 11:25

@tokira what did your DH say when you said it was the shittest idea ever? I completely agree, it's a bloody awful idea. Someone else in your house 3 nights a week? Just no, it would drive me mental.

needsleepzzz · 03/01/2019 11:25

Not a bloody chance would i allow this. We'll be using after school clubs when our daughter starts school, thankfully her nursery offer this service and will collect her from school so she'll know everyone

SkaTastic · 03/01/2019 11:28

I loved loved loved my MIL but no fucking chance would I agree to this. When you come in after work you need to remove your bra, doss with the kids, eat tea and go to bed. Not worry about MIL as well.

Tell your husband that oh that sounds fine however that rules out filthy sex on the sofa 3 nights every week. Jokes.

Drum2018 · 03/01/2019 11:32

Not a chance this would happen in our house, not that Dh would even consider it. It's the most ridiculous idea. Why should he expect that his mother give up her time to mind her grandchild? It would be different if she lived across the road. It will be suffocating to have her stay so often. What if she gets sick, or decides she can't be bothered travelling so much anymore after a month of 2 hour trips? You'll be left in the lurch then. Find a creche or a childminder, and let mil have Ds to stay for a weekend here and there when it suits.

Original poster
tokira · 03/01/2019 11:34

@neverdidnt - that's a sad cautionary tale if there ever was one. We get along but after 3 days of Christmas at the in laws' last week I'm afraid we were no longer showing our best selves - that's just family though, isn't it - and I would hate for our relationship to sour.

@Maelstrop - he was stunned into silence for a few seconds then apologised and said he would never mention the 3 nights every week idea again. He also asked if it would help me feel better and less stressed if we got some counselling together (a big deal coming from him, as he's previously said he doesn't see the point of counselling for himself). We generally communicate well and hardly ever argue, so I think this along with other recent disagreements over the new house is new territory for us both...

OP posts:
HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 03/01/2019 11:37

Fuck that!

No way on Earth. It would kill our relationship.

Original poster
tokira · 03/01/2019 11:42

A PP (@HazelBite I think?) summed it up well - DH probably thinking only of upsides for MIL and DS, MIL not wanting to say no or appear less than eager, and meanwhile I've been trying too hard to see it from DH's point of view and finally snapped last night/this morning!

On further reflection it is likely I will benefit from some counselling/CBT - my own mum was a SAHM for decades (I'm one of a few) and I'm sure this has had a deep-seated impact on my psyche around motherhood and parenting....

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 03/01/2019 11:42

Your present arrangement is great. The new idea would be terrible and everyone would be upset when it didn't work. Free childcare always comes at a big price for both the family and the grandma, I know because I have done it and would not make such a big commitment again, I will do the emergency care and babysitting. It would also be awful for MIL

Myshinynewname · 03/01/2019 11:43

It sounds a terrible idea to me. I’m pleased your DH seems to have listened to you and seen sense.
IME holiday cover is far more difficult when you work long hours than after school care. Eg our before and after school club runs 7.30-6. Holiday club runs 8.30-4.30. Why not suggest that MIL either comes to stay or DS visits her for 2/3 nights each school holiday while you’re working? Much more helpful to you, she gets more special time with ds (they can have a day out or ‘Granny time’ rather than just the weeknight drudge of homework dinner bath and bed) and crucially much less often.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 03/01/2019 11:44

Good grief...NO! No matter how well you get on. Stuff of nightmares.