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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL staying with us weekly?

221 replies

tokira · 03/01/2019 01:13

NC for this. I need to know if I've lost perspective!

We are moving house soon and will have an extra room at the new place. DS is 3 and my MIL really dotes on him. She lives about 2 hours away, door-to-door.

DH is looking forward to having an extra room at the new place and has been talking about asking MIL come down and stay for 3 nights every week to help look after DS, particularly once he starts school. We both work full-time.

I've had a very visceral reaction to this and am shocked by how violently against this I'm feeling. It's not that MIL and I don't get along, she can be lovely but we are very different people and there is a certain MIL/DIL dynamic to contend with.

On the other hand, I worry that I'm being ungrateful as MIL is been a wonderful grandmother to DS and really goes out of her way to make his childhood amazing (Christmas at the in-laws was a whole production for junior...)

I'm also kind of annoyed with DH for suggesting this arrangement (and being very ready to suggest this to his MIL) without thinking it through from my POV. (in this regard, there are some similarities between mother and son!) Even after I brought it up, he couldn't seem to empathise with my objections, IYSWIM?

AIBU to feel this way? Or am I a snowflake DIL who needs to get a grip and appreciate how lucky we are to have MIL's help at hand!?

OP posts:
NameChangerAmI · 03/01/2019 06:56

Tokira what are your current childcare arrangements?

Also, financially, are you able to afford to pay for childcare some. or all of the week?

ShalomJackie · 03/01/2019 07:02

So when she lets you down for whatever reason I am assuming he will be the one taking time off to "cover" childcare!!

How about you suggest your mum comes for the other 4 days a week!

NameChangerAmI · 03/01/2019 07:05

...when in reality you both work full time so will only see her in the evenings

But surely that's the only time they see their DC, also, so would like to have that time with their DC to themselves, not with MIL, who has already been with the child all of the day.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/01/2019 07:07

My mum is a very involved and doting granny but if I suggested she did this she’d give me a slap round the head.

A hard one, I hope, Penny - to knock some sense into you!

OP - this is the quickest way to court (divorce or murder - take your pick - that I can think of. As a PP has said, even if you were the best of friends, you wouldn't be for long.

Too much, too often.

Don't do it.

Mayrhofen · 03/01/2019 07:08

One word from me as advice.

NO.

Thewalker75 · 03/01/2019 07:10

Oh and when I posted on here asking what people thought of my mum offering to stay 2 nights a week to help with childcare everyone said do it what a lovely offer from her and I would bite her hand off etc etc! Maybe mils are different though...

echt · 03/01/2019 07:15

Yonks ago my late DH told me what his mother said to him: Never have the MIL live with you. It stole years of her married life that my DH was too young to see.

Now I think of it, my own DM, who lived with her in-laws after the war, when housing went to returning military as a priority and fuck the minersHmm also said how trying it was.

Think on, as my dear dad would say.

OhTheRoses · 03/01/2019 07:15

What are the alternatives and can you afford them? I think two nights might be a compromise. Might she cook dinner and do a bit of ironing? 2 nights and help in emergencies?
Where does your mother fit in?

Hanuman · 03/01/2019 07:23

My aunt and uncle do this for their DS and DIL. It actually works pretty well for them. My cousin and his wife love having flexible childcare for 3 nights. They do date night once a week. Their kids really enjoy it too

Of course it isn't for everyone - I would hate it! - but it can work

cochineal7 · 03/01/2019 07:26

It probably won’t work to do this once a month as it would be very hard to find alternative child care on that basis for the other 3 weeks. I might just about compromise on one night a week but even then with trepidation. All things considered: no. Not on a regular basis.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 03/01/2019 07:29

When your DS at school, what's she going to be doing for those 3-4 days at your house? She'll be there more than you!

mumofmunchkin · 03/01/2019 07:30

Bear in mind that looking after your son for 3 days a week will be very different for her than what she does currently. For 3 days every week, you can’t be the doting grandmother who indulges her grandson, treats him etc etc, she would have to act in a more parental role - enforcing the house rules (and she would have to fall in with your house rules, not ignore some/impose her own) and disciplining behaviour.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/01/2019 07:33

I like having guests, and my parents who I'm close to come to stay when my husband is away for a few days. However it's nice to have your own space back, you can't eat what you'd normally eat, go out, watch what you'd normally watch on TV (I can but would feel rude) or walk around with few clothes on and it's just hard work and don't feel truly relaxed til they've gone even though we are quite similar.and I love them.
I think having Mil to stay for almost half the week, every week is almost having someone living with you and will really change the family dynamic. I don't think you will truly relax. I'd change it to one day or more ad hoc

Monty27 · 03/01/2019 07:35

So he had this planned whilst you thought you were buying a home for your little family? Shock

Cokezeroisyummy · 03/01/2019 07:41

This would be my worst nightmare and I'd be telling Dh a firm NO!

BertrandRussell · 03/01/2019 07:41

My mum came to stay with us for 2 days one night every two weeks when ours were little (came early one day, left late the next). It was fantastic- it gave us a break, gave her and the children time with each other and they all knew when they were going to see each other. She was also a massive help as she was a demon cleaner/cook/housekeeper!

But 3 days a week would have been truly awful!

madeyemoodysmum · 03/01/2019 07:43

Once a month maybe but no no no.

Why do you need help anyway your coping now right?

safetyfreak · 03/01/2019 07:54

Oh and when I posted on here asking what people thought of my mum offering to stay 2 nights a week to help with childcare everyone said do it what a lovely offer from her and I would bite her hand off etc etc! Maybe mils are different though...

Of course they are different. Honestly I wouldn't want my mil staying 3x a week. I am a huge introvert however OP you could try and encourage her to move closer to help with childcare.

Original poster
tokira · 03/01/2019 07:55

Thanks everyone for posting - some of the questions have given me food for serious thought.

To answer the background questions - DS is at nursery 5 days a week already, when he's not staying up at Grandma's the once or twice a month. My parents live on the other side of the world so not an option. My DH is thinking ahead to primary school when MIL might realistically help with wraparound care.

This morning I got a bit worked up when we were talking about the new house and told DH that the 3 nights of MIL a week proposal was the "shittiest idea ever" (not my usual choice of vocab but that was the best I could muster!) Sad

OP posts:
cptartapp · 03/01/2019 07:56

PIL live next door to SIL and 'co-parented' for several years. As the DC grew, the GP expected to be invited to everything and have a say in every aspect of their lives. Now teens, there is no hoped for special grandparental relationship. It's been too much. The boys even leave the key in the door so the GP can't get in. PIL are now ageing and SIL is finding the expectations for help have reversed and she is massively beholden. Don't do it.

Rachel0Greep · 03/01/2019 07:56

It's great that she dotes on dgs but she's too over invested in him and it's crossing boundaries.
3 days and nights a week with your son in your home plus having him at hers twice a month for sleepovers is waaaaaay too much - it'll just encourage her to be even more overbearing.
He's YOUR son - not hers. She can't play pseudo-mum with him.

Agreed.
OP, no, no, no. YANBU.

Holidayshopping · 03/01/2019 07:59

It would massively worry me that your DH seems to have this planned. Is she expecting it? It’s a bit ‘The little House’ by Philippa Gregory!

What’s to stop him saying that she might as well sell her house if she’s at your anyone half the week!?

Holidayshopping · 03/01/2019 08:02

I suspect she is aware of this proposal and thinks it’s a good idea?

Is there a FIL?

chocolateshortcake · 03/01/2019 08:03

My mum is doing this. Staying 4 nights a week for a time limited period to help us with childcare after maternity leave. She lives 4 hours away. We have baby twins and an under 3 so all of us are looking at it as a way of my mum helping me not to lose my footing in my career path just because child care costs are extortionate. She offered, I didn't ask her, and dh and I talked about it first and agreed we'd be stupid not to take her up on it because we don't have a spare 3k a month for childcare. I am very grateful to her.

No way would I ever suggest or agree to an open ended agreement. We are over halfway through now and I think we are all looking forward to nursery, not least my mum is looking forward to having her life back!

chocolateshortcake · 03/01/2019 08:06

Just seen your post that he is already in nursery so presumably you are managing just fine...I would have said exactly the same - shittest idea ever!