MIL staying with us weekly?

[tokira]

NC for this. I need to know if I've lost perspective!

We are moving house soon and will have an extra room at the new place. DS is 3 and my MIL really dotes on him. She lives about 2 hours away, door-to-door.

DH is looking forward to having an extra room at the new place and has been talking about asking MIL come down and stay for 3 nights every week to help look after DS, particularly once he starts school. We both work full-time.

I've had a very visceral reaction to this and am shocked by how violently against this I'm feeling. It's not that MIL and I don't get along, she can be lovely but we are very different people and there is a certain MIL/DIL dynamic to contend with.

On the other hand, I worry that I'm being ungrateful as MIL is been a wonderful grandmother to DS and really goes out of her way to make his childhood amazing (Christmas at the in-laws was a whole production for junior...)

I'm also kind of annoyed with DH for suggesting this arrangement (and being very ready to suggest this to his MIL) without thinking it through from my POV. (in this regard, there are some similarities between mother and son!) Even after I brought it up, he couldn't seem to empathise with my objections, IYSWIM?

AIBU to feel this way? Or am I a snowflake DIL who needs to get a grip and appreciate how lucky we are to have MIL's help at hand!?

My mum helped with childcare staying with us 2 nights a week, arriving late Wednesday and leaving Friday lunchtime. It was OK but I'm (and she's) glad to be done with it. I couldn't even consider the same set up with my mil, a couple of hours every few months is more than enough time.

From my own experience, if a mother or mother-in-law offer to substantially help out with childcare in your own home, they end up convinced that it gives them the right to interfere in your family life and they way you do things - in short, to be the boss of the household. Endless advice (and upset if you try to dispute or ignore it), infuriating petty things (such as rearranging your wardrobe their way, or stealthily seasoning the dinner you're cooking because they like it more salty) and generally controlling behaviour will end up with major resentment and mental breakdown for all of you. Your relationship with your husband will take a major hit as well.

The life described above is my sister's - my mother took over her life, and made her dependent on the childcare she provides (my sister has two young children and can't go part-time; changing a job in her line of work is very tricky). As a result, my mother's overworked and feels she's sacrificing herself for the grandkids despite insisting on doing it, and my sister is at the end of her tether. It continues.

I live abroad so no such problems, but my mother tries to control me whenever I visit twice a year with my kids. She's great with kids, by the way and they adore her.

So no, YANBU.

Could you perhaps suggest to your husband that there will be no sex during the weeks your mother is staying with you?

Are people seriously manipulative enough to withhold sex to get their own way?

Familiarity breeds contempt. YANBU.

@rhinosorosorosorus I couldn't read and run, the story you've shared sounds absolutely horrific but at the same time there are some eerie commonalities.

Before anyone things I am MIL-bashing - I want to say my MIL is lovely, absolutely lovely; I hope this isn't outing but she used to bring me orange juice in the morning whenever we woke up. That said, she also used to bring it up to me, sometimes when we were still in bed half asleep, and she wouldn't really knock and wait outside the door to hear if we were up yet! I found it really awkward but didn't say anything as didn't want to seem ungrateful.

I mentioned upthread about the nativity and Christmas lights, when she didn't ask us and just assumed she would come along. A PP suggested it didn't seem a big deal and we must have sounded like we were inviting her when we first told her about it - but that's precisely it, we weren't and we didn't! (even we were happy to have her along! but it does take her 2 hours each way to get to us) It's fair to say she sometimes reads into things a certain way and makes assumptions about what other people would like - more than most. Usually it's done with best intentions but it does make me feel awkward at times when it's the wrong assumption (e.g. "You must feel disappointed about missing out on going to X with us" when actually no I've never said I wanted to go to X and am rather happy to be doing Y instead, thankyouverymuch...) That said, I've recently put it down to harmless clash of styles; I don't respond well to the passive-indirect style of questioning and prefer much more directness like "Are you disappointed to miss out on going to X with us?"

PPs have also asked what she would do all day at ours while DS is at school. It's a good question. I suspect she would pursue some hobbies (e.g. gardening?) but also spend a lot of time preparing materials for his enrichment and enjoyment - she is very educational and often provides us with lots of material for fun, education activities for him that she's actually made herself (e.g. printed and constructed). She invests so much time and effort and DS benefits a lot. At some point, if he hasn't already, DS will realise that MIL offers more fun activities and toys for him than we do!

@Gina2012, thankfully DH is anything but controlling. He genuinely was just trying to come up with childcare solutions for us both.

@Bluelady - yes I'm also by the number of similar suggestions!

Just reread my update above - to be clear, the 3 nights a week idea has been firmly put to rest and is being contemplated no further!

I should also add that there is a world apart to having your mum vs MIL stay with you. Usually mum has seen you at your best and at your worst growing up, including when you were a minor, and has had to deal with it and accept it for better or for worse - that's the parent/child dynamic. MIL hasn't been through that, and staying in close proximity round the clock is bound to create some tension as both DIL and MIL navigate round each other at their best and worst moments.

I found it really awkward but didn't say anything as didn't want to seem ungrateful.

This was exactly what happened with my friend. How can you say "stop making our dinner" or "stop doing our ironing". Especially if theyre doing a very good job of it. They tried the whole "oh, you dont need to do that". and moving the washing etc. But when MIL had full run of the house for 5 days a week there wasnt much they could do/say. And it was all done with a smile and love, its only a few years on my friend basically realized she had been replaced and there wasnt anything she could say to stop it by then!

PPs have also asked what she would do all day at ours while DS is at school. It's a good question.

I would imagine cook, clean and the usual things she would do at her house. which is where it would stray into difficult territory and blur lines.

No way would I entertain this on a permanent basis.

Just had MIL staying here for 6 days over the holiday so glad to see the back of her. Have early/mid teen DC. DH ok with it kids ok with it nightmare for me. She went yesterday I think she has been dripping poison in kids ears as they are super defensive and protective about DH and MIL and both seem to have a sudden downer and sarcastic weird attitude towards me.

Trust your instincts OP you want to be number one in your DC’s life.

Get yourself a live in au-pair instead?

Op. Your MIL is not lovely.
A lovely person doesn’t judge you for going back to work. They don’t invade your privacy by walking into your bedroom unannounced on the pretext of giving you a glass of orange juice. They do not presume to be invited anywhere.

OMDB

@rhino that story actually made me feel physically sick!
I love my MIL but that would be a massive nope for me.

My mom has lived with us for four years. It has benefitted everyone involved and been mostly positive. That being said, four years down the line and now I wish I had taken more time to consider. Like I said, everything has been great but once you do something like that, you can't take it back. You are having a visceral reaction and boundaries are going to be changed. Coming from the good place where I am, I say don't do it. If things go downhill, how are you going to scale back if it comes to that should things go south?. You don't want this. My children are older (teens and other one out of the house), I am not saying I regret Mom moving in, but I cannot ask for her to move out. We are on the other end of the spectrum-getting ready to be empty nesters but we can't because she is here. I would never ask her to leave. You need to shut this down gently. Say you need time to consider it, tell your partner you thought it would just be the three of you in your own little world for a while (this does not diminish the grandmother's contributions and kindnesses), or show her my response. My Mom living with us has been a huge blessing countered with the fact that once it happened, it cannot be taken back without hard feelings. I suspect the reason your reaction was so visceral is because you have the life you want now. Don't let convenience of childcare, magical moments provided by grandparents, or what seems to be a good idea to everyone else take away the life you want now. Don't do it because you can't go back without years of hard feelings which your child will pick up on as he grows. Let him keep the magical relationship with his grandmother he has now.

Be careful listening to people that don't have or value family. They envy and are ignorant to understanding what a loving, caring and supporting family means

Be careful listening to people who are looking for someone to look after them in their old age. They manipulate family ties for their own advantage.

@Amazonian27 your comment has struck a nerve. I actually worry about MIL saying things to/around DS when he's older that unintentionally paint me in a bad light. But does feeling this way mean that I am the controlling one!?

@texasheelerdog thanks for sharing your story, this is something I hadn't previously considered but is a really important point (not being able to cut back). I saw how things went south between my DGM and my DM when DGM lived with us for a few years.

Agree with 7yo7yo OP - your MIL isn’t lovely. Sounds as though she’s planning a take over tbh.
On another note - friend of mine has her DM and MIL stay alternative weeks for a night or 2 at a time when she went back to work and regretted it. It’s been hard to stop even though she isn’t working now. Her MIL was a fan of doing their laundry when asked not to; making food when asked not to and lots of other things too. Sounds silly when you write it all down but adds up to a loss of control. Meanwhile her DH didn’t understand her frustrations with it all (and still doesn’t now years later).
I wouldn’t have anyone staying for 3 nights a week.

Yes MIL was only here 6 days for a visit with no expectations on her and although elderly. She couldn’t help poking her nose into any and all conversations however trivial and irrelevant between me and the DC and me and DH etc etc. She told me how she made x like this, did y like that or used to do z this way but the way she said it meant that my way was wrong. She emptied the tumbler once and folded the contents up including my knickers and took the towels out the washer and put them on radiators so they were horribly rough and crumpled myself and DC have mild Excema. On the day she was leaving she was left on her own with teen DC for half a day as I was at work in the morning and she had said she was cold so asked the kids turned the heating up and she had gone into our bedroom and turned our radiator on full. I like a cold room to sleep in and haven’t had the radiator on in there for years so it stank and was overly warm. DH was with her on his own the day before she left as I was working and of course he did far more around the home than usual to show off to his mother including cooking. She had no doubt praised him to the heavens to the DC and I would say subtly slagged me off and emphasised how lucky I was bigging DH up etc. It all sounds so trivial written down but she’s been gone two days and I can still feel the effects and can hear her speaking the comments the kids have made etc.

OP, I'm glad the 3 nights a week idea when DS goes to school has been discounted now and DH agrees. BTW school wrap around care after-school club and breakfast club is about £14 a day. It'd cost you far more in extra food & heating for MIL to stay plus that bottle of Gin a week you'd need to go through to survive it!!

You do know once at school DC have 13 weeks school holidays a year, plus 4 inset days . It's a half term /school holiday break every 6 weeks. And DC might get sick & need day off.

So, your MIL will find herself being needed and wanted! And have plenty of opportunities to come stay to look after DC during holidays (if you don't book holiday clubs for every week you can't cover with yours or DH's AL). Maybe that's a nice compromise. That's what my DPs do, 4 weeks a year & weekend visits every 6 weeks or so in between.

Keep it adhoc so that your PIL still get their lives and so do you, with family privacy.

My DPs(DParents) do 4 weeks *spread across the year: So 1 week at Xmas, Easter, 1 or two separate weeks in summer holidays, the odd half term.

5 nights is the maximum stay I'd suggest, so MIL or DM "can get back home/to FIL/DF whom she must miss"

Whilst staying more than 2 nights, my parents rearrange my stuff, cook potato heavy dishes for tea, interfere, spend 1.5 hours in the bathroom each morning between them, and do those kind of things that can be annoying - but come from a good place, which is far easier to recall when it's a short visit . I love my DParents and we love seeing them , especially on the shorter visits, even DC relax more once they've gone home.

But be warned - our spare room is "theirs". They have made a stake in it , slowly nested bringing their own stuff they've left behind and they get grumpy when we have visitors (even other family/ siblings), stay in 'their' (MY!!) (Guest) bed when they aren't here.

So don't let MIL leave stuff behind...Or you might have same issue over your guest bedroom.

It’s s great idea during school holiday times. But not every week. And that’s a good compromise to offer your dh.
And then you and dh could always use a night she’s there to go out to dinner, or you can go out with a friend?

Three days a week can lead to a full time resident eventually. Depending on age and if on her own there may well arise a situation where "oh why bother with the 2 hour trip every week" you may as well live here. Make alternative arrangements for childcare. When DC is at school contact with other children will be more appealing than being with GP.

Three days in a row is too much as far as I’m concerned, let alone three days every bloody week!!! No way could I
Put up with this arrangement. Especially as I’m sure it would just be a stepping stone to moving in permanently.

fair to say she sometimes reads into things a certain way and makes assumptions about what other people would like - more than most. Usually it's done with best intentions but it does make me feel awkward at times when it's the wrong assumption

Isn’t that what your husband did?

I’d agree with the holiday cover but 3 days every week is far too much

3 days would be great if you got on well and agreed about house rules & child rules.
but sounds like you don't.

Having her to stay for inset days and school holidays when you are both working would be brilliant
and would give her plenty of quality DGC time, without making her a permanent household fixture.