MIL staying with us weekly?

[tokira]

NC for this. I need to know if I've lost perspective!

We are moving house soon and will have an extra room at the new place. DS is 3 and my MIL really dotes on him. She lives about 2 hours away, door-to-door.

DH is looking forward to having an extra room at the new place and has been talking about asking MIL come down and stay for 3 nights every week to help look after DS, particularly once he starts school. We both work full-time.

I've had a very visceral reaction to this and am shocked by how violently against this I'm feeling. It's not that MIL and I don't get along, she can be lovely but we are very different people and there is a certain MIL/DIL dynamic to contend with.

On the other hand, I worry that I'm being ungrateful as MIL is been a wonderful grandmother to DS and really goes out of her way to make his childhood amazing (Christmas at the in-laws was a whole production for junior...)

I'm also kind of annoyed with DH for suggesting this arrangement (and being very ready to suggest this to his MIL) without thinking it through from my POV. (in this regard, there are some similarities between mother and son!) Even after I brought it up, he couldn't seem to empathise with my objections, IYSWIM?

AIBU to feel this way? Or am I a snowflake DIL who needs to get a grip and appreciate how lucky we are to have MIL's help at hand!?

@madeyemoodysmum - that's it though, we have been surviving coping, sometimes barely, for the last few years ever since DS was born and things have gotten better since MIL got more involved. Hence why DH jumped the gun and thought about having her over more often, I think. It pains me that DS can't spend more time with my own parents because they live abroad (we've made a choice last year to buy a new house in the UK and stay here instead of moving abroad, because of the strong bond between my MIL and DS and the fact that it would be incredibly upsetting for MIL if we moved abroad (she does not have any other children or grandchildren here, whereas my parents are not as bothered as they have more family living with them).

There are some complexes I carry over from my own childhood. MIL was a single mum when raising DH and he never had to witness his mum Vs her MIL dynamic play out at home. On the other hand, my dad's mum actually lived with us for years and it caused massive MIL problems between her and my own mum. I guess that's coloured my view of things.

I think the real problem here, following this morning's conversation, is that DH is approaching most things rather clinically when it comes to this new house, whereas I am trying to grapple with all sorts of emotions - it's difficult and tedious to try and connect the two. I guess this is marriage for you!

I think you also need to consider if she's there for 3 days a week, that she'll also expect to have a say in how your son is raised and it'll be "her days, her rules". Is this acceptable for you both? I know for me, it wouldn't

It's a big decision for both of you but does come with a lot of positives so I wouldn't dismiss it, it just needs more consideration before a decision is made - first of all invite her to stay on a trial run, how does it work out? I know plenty of people who do have mil living with them and it's working well. Childcare is a major issue so all solutions need to be considered

Did your DH accept that you absolutely don’t want this to happen?

Point out to DH that there won't be "an extra room" at your new house if MIL stays half the week, every week. It will be MIL's room at your new house.

Every successful Asian woman I know lives with her MIL. How do they manage? Appreciate it's a small sample.

Why can't she just move house to be nearer you? She lives a long way away and I'll that driving must be hard and expensive.

I’d have another baby quick then you won’t have a spare room .

As the DC grew, the GP expected to be invited to everything and have a say in every aspect of their lives

This has struck a chord. Just before Christmas, MIL invited herself to DS' nursery nativity when she found out it was happening without actually asking first (we, her way of asking was to say ,"I can get the train that pulls in at 4pm...". I didn't think too much of it at the time because we thought of course why shouldn't she come. When DH said he was planning on bringing DS to see Christmas lights later that week, she basically said she would come down and join them - again, assuming it would be ok without really asking first. At the time I put this all down to how involved she is with DS, but I can't deny there has been something in my gut that I've tried to just dismiss as a silly DIL gut reaction...

What about MIL? She has her life, friends, social activities where she lives. To give this up (and I imagine your husband has given that no thought because she is Mum) is huge. Also, being with small lively children is knackering and the older you get, the less stamina you have. Parenting to someone else's rules is also hard. I'm nowhere near this yet, but I know if I had a DIL who believed firmly in not saying 'no' and all this endless negotiating and talking through our feelings type of parenting (fine usually but if junior is about to do something daft or is just being an 'I want...' jag then No means No rather than wittering on at them) then I would find that hard. Firm, fair and fun is my style of parenting.

Your MIL has done her years of hard parenting slog. This would seriously curtail her freedom and mean she can't book the cruise/water colour course/karate session she's longed to do because she'd feel guilty letting you down. As ever, this plan is based on two women subjugating their wants, needs, likes for the sake of making things for other people 'easier'. Your MIL will also possibly be of the generation where full time nursery is considered not a good thing so this is playing on her guilt thing too.

I suggest that she would be brilliant when small person is ill. That way she can come and stay for a couple of days. I found that illness is more difficult to deal with once they start school so that would benefit all but not be onerous on anyone. Likewise, perhaps once a month or even during school holidays so you don't have to take time off work.

Husband needs telling that two women are not giving up their wants to make his life easier. Also tell him no sex when MIL is here. Be wary because the problem won't be with MIL, but he will revert to 'son mode' when with her. My MIL, is lovely. We get on so well (she is incapacitated with dementia now) and she always had my back but my husband always reverted to son mode and MIL word became law when he was around her, which was deeply pissoffing.

OhTheRoses I know many many Asian women who’s divorces have been due to living with in-laws too I really don’t think it’s that simple to say everyone does it and manages...

OP I don’t even understand your DH logic. After school club or a wrap around child minder will be much cheaper than paying nursery fees like you’re doing currently so what on Earth is the need for such a drastic solution?! For her to be sat in your house all day while he is in school makes no sense.
Yanbu to say no and put your foot down!

I would hate this and think for most people it would mean the end of their marriage. I think I'd say you have a good relationship with her and a good marriage now. All that would end if she spent three nights a week with you.

I agree she could be invaluable if your child was ill. She does need her own life, though. What would she do with herself if your son was in school?

Three days a week is too much. But what about one night a week? Could that be a good compromise?

For those who've asked about FIL, yes he exists but is much more chilled about my DS (though is great with him when DS stays over with them). He's a bit of a homebody and doesn't travel down with MIL when she visits us.

We did previously consider moving MIL and FIL closer (as did they). Ultimately it didn't feel financially viable (we live in London, surprise surprise) and also seemed unfairly disruptive on them to pack up their life as they know it (where they live is v v different from London obviously).

So not only will this affect your marriage, it'll affect your MIL's marriage, too! Your husband is incredibly selfish.

She has her life, friends, social activities where she lives. To give this up (and I imagine your husband has given that no thought because she is Mum) is huge

@Flyingarcher - to be fair to my DH, he was the one who pointed out how difficult/unreasonable it would be for MIL and FIL to give up their life, friends, social activities etc when the idea was first mooted. Not to mention the area they live in is much better set up for elderly care (compared to most parts of London) - something one unfortunately does have to consider given their age.

Thank you to all the PP for suggestions on alternative arrangements. I think I will say that MIL staying over once a month for maybe 1-2 nights at a time is a good idea (and in between, DS can go visit as well). This will hopefully not be too disruptive for MIL and also means our spare room doesn't turn into MIL's room!

I just know my relationship with MIL (and DH!) would change for the worse otherwise. As I said, we are just very different people.

We have a very good relationship with my parents. We had a couple of years of them helping us out with childcare (sadly stopped due to ill health). My DM stayed two days per fortnight. That was wonderful - and felt about right. No way would I, or my DP, have been able to cope with three days a week!

Trust your gut. You are entitled to say no to sharing your space, and inviting others into your daily life, to this degree.

I would hate this and think for most people it would mean the end of their marriage

Agree with this

That would be ridiculous if she’s married, for her to to spend half the week with you-hopefully everyone will see that.

No way would I have this, I get on well with MIL but that's because we see each other sparingly. She is always coming up with ideas to live on our doorstep because we get on well, but we wouldn't get on well anymore if she was always here!
Ultimately you get to decide who stays in your house.

is your dh just assuming mil is happy to leave her dh and her life 3 days a week indefinitely? that is very rude and presumptuous of him, surely she wouldn't want that level of commitment, also I doubt fil would be happy with that plan either.
personally i think it sounds a terrible idea, I couldn't do it, but a night or 2 a month sounds a good compromise if everyone's happy with that

I'm all for keeping it in the family but 3 nights a week is a lot. I think one, possibly two nights would be plenty. Do bear in mind whilst your MIL in theory is on board could change her mind after the reality of a 4 hour round trip every week. A friend of mines MIL was going to do the same thing (only 2 nights) to help them out with childcare but reneged after the 3rd week as she felt so tired.

Op, other things to consider (that would drive me mad!)...your spare room will be “her” room, she will probably help out around the house. This will involve things not being put back in the right lace, “helpful” suggestions as to how it might be better to have things, laundry will be done how she wants, shopping will be done how she wants, she will parent your son how she wants and she will know best and your husband will probably take her side (she has done it before/she knows what she’s doing/she managed to bring me up/she’s helping us out so just let it go), she will expect to come to every family day out, she will have something to say on every discussion you have, your son will eat what she thinks he should have (sweets/ice cream/everything on his plate!!) and your husband will revert to Son Mode (and she will revert to Mum Mode and look after and pander to your manchild).

Now, she is helping you out massively with childcare BUT at what cost? You will not feel like your house is yours and you’re inviting another adult into your relationship. Her relationship with your son does sound a bit and I would definitely need her to back off with the “doting” and I’d need to be included in the decision making too!

Hell would freeze over first.

My DM sometimes came for a night or two when ours were all small and was frankly a life saver at key points. But she would be the first to say that she would never move into a child and partner's home (she was speaking from experience of a DGP living with us when we were children).
It changes the dynamic of the whole family unit, and rarely for the better. Like pp, I've known divorces follow from this set up, especially where there is disapproval of the mother returning to work.

Once you start primary school, there would normally be after school clubs to help with wraparound and then perhaps DGM can visit in some of the holidays where the help would be valuable and routine/rules can also be relaxed.