MIL staying with us weekly?

[tokira]

NC for this. I need to know if I've lost perspective!

We are moving house soon and will have an extra room at the new place. DS is 3 and my MIL really dotes on him. She lives about 2 hours away, door-to-door.

DH is looking forward to having an extra room at the new place and has been talking about asking MIL come down and stay for 3 nights every week to help look after DS, particularly once he starts school. We both work full-time.

I've had a very visceral reaction to this and am shocked by how violently against this I'm feeling. It's not that MIL and I don't get along, she can be lovely but we are very different people and there is a certain MIL/DIL dynamic to contend with.

On the other hand, I worry that I'm being ungrateful as MIL is been a wonderful grandmother to DS and really goes out of her way to make his childhood amazing (Christmas at the in-laws was a whole production for junior...)

I'm also kind of annoyed with DH for suggesting this arrangement (and being very ready to suggest this to his MIL) without thinking it through from my POV. (in this regard, there are some similarities between mother and son!) Even after I brought it up, he couldn't seem to empathise with my objections, IYSWIM?

AIBU to feel this way? Or am I a snowflake DIL who needs to get a grip and appreciate how lucky we are to have MIL's help at hand!?

Rhino your friend will be the one having the children at the weekends, as she'll most likely lose custody of them. As MIL has been the children's (almost) sole carer, the courts will rule to keep to what the children are used to.

Rhino I agree with @Motoko. Your friend would be better off quitting her job or at least going part time and becoming a SAHM for the next year or two while staying with her husband. She should do the main childcare to rebalance things before she leaves, and then move out after that. As things stand, the courts might see her husband as having the better and more stable living arrangement which would make him likely to get custody, while she gets weekend visits etc.

Whatever she decides to decides to do I wish her the best of luck. Unfortunately her MIL took over by stealth and boiled her like a frog, now your friend has realised what was happening it may be too late

I wouldn't have a best friend stay with us 3 days a week every week. That's asking way to much of anyone except your DH who clearly wants mumykins on hand to look after him too

No f"ing way would I agree to this. The OTT Xmas stuff would pee me off too & would ring alarm bells. He's yours & DHs child not hers, she shouldn't be stepping on your toes to over do xmas for your DS, that's your job & in my experience it doesn't bode well at all fir the future

asking MIL come down and stay for 3 nights every week to help look after DS, particularly once he starts school. We both work full-time.

I understand the boy is your son as much as your DH's son so you as a family discuss this and include your DS what he has to say.

Your DH perhaps feels his mother should stay with his DS rather than another woman? How would you feel wih another female in your house as opposed to the Granny been there? Children want their granparents and is best to ask the advice of a health visitor or a GP in your surgery because they have experience in Child Development. The suggestion of your DH that his mom stays with you is because she is older and gets tired moving and if she has a rest she will be in better form to take the boy out.

Families views vary and some live as extended but others live without parents and away from them.

How would you feel wih another female in your house as opposed to the Granny been there?
There doesn't have to be another woman in OP's house. Her DS can go to a childminder, or nursery, and wrap around school care. They are the professionals.

Hi Motoko I agree here are profesionals to look after children but may take time to get one and the child might respond in different ways with different people. I was school governor and we provided a good scheme for after school care but was not there always due to shortages of people. When children become 5 our surgery calls the parents for a Development test and issues are discussed - i do not know if this is avalaible n all areas.

No no no!

@ID81241 & @motoko i fully agree and have said this to my friend. i think i said earlier in a post that i can kind of see grandmas reasoning of "i raised them - my kids". shes done EVERYTHING. but not because friend was lazy or unable - because grandma stealth ninja'd her way in! if she had been a bitch in the beginning alarm bells would have rang but she is the sweetest grandma ever and has been very slowly and patient in taking over. so sweet in fact that i have questioned whether she even realises shes doing it (friend is adamant she does due to recent 1-on-1 comments and looks).

Unfortunately staying there isnt an option. MIL has made friend feel so uncomfortable and isolated. Everytime the boys need ANYTHING they scream for grandma. the more friend says "no, im here, not grandma" the worse it gets. and they dont stop screaming! MIL also has no other children and goes nowhere so the children KNOW shes 30 seconds away. and years of being "helpful" and on my friends side and saying "Oh, i'll sort them, youve had a hard day, let me do it" has conditioned the children.

She is also at breaking point with her DH. he is no support. He just sees all this free help his mother gives. all the childfree weekends away she encourages they take. he then gets mad at friend for not wanting to go. friend despises him now and (my personal opinion) is near a breakdown. she feels like a spare part in her own home and his "oh just let my mum do it" attitude doesnt help. plus she does sound slightly jealous and mad if you hear "Oh my MIL makes me dinner and does my ironing - poor me". However shes not and its taken years of small things to see it and stack it all up. if she quit work MIL would just be round everyday shadowing her and making her feel shit. plus her DH wouldnt support that decision as the children are now in school so he would see it as her just wanting to sit around now the hard parts done (age 0-5).

also, and i havent witnessed this bit, she says MIL is recently making comments and being a bitch. apparently over Christmas there was quite a lot of "leaving me out" comments from MIL passed and a lot of emotional blackmail aimed at the children, which they then took out on friend because "grandma is sad". Also MIL has started doing things like, for example (and item changed as this is outing), DH commented on liking a sofa while out before christmas. friend hated it (it is awful) and said it wasnt worth the money (over £1000). MIL bought it for him for christmas. It cant go back as its a large item of furniture. so MIL and DH are now ganging up.

Also, and i dont 100% know if this was on purpose but friend demands it is. They had a family holiday in summer. friend begged DH for "family time" just the 4 of them. It caused a lot of trouble but off they went. MIL made a big scene of "facetime me everyday! let grandma know your havnt forgot her and show me what youre doing without me". Her DSs were horrific while away, crying for grandma and saying how sad she must be on her own. Also other choice phrases that primary school children wouldnt really come out with unless coached. on day 4 of a 7 day stay MIL fell and went to hospital. They rang friend and DH, who all flew home early. To be fair friend had seriously had enough of the holiday by then anyway due to daily crying fits, but they got home. No broken bones but hospital kept her in as she was "confused". No proof she was lying but just an example.

i think if friend was 100% mentally competant she could fight this. but she isnt. she feels her children hate her and shes a visitor in "MILs home" (her words).her DH does not support her and she feels a complete prick constantly complaining about the "kind" things MIL does for her. Also she doesnt have the strength to fight when shes done a 9 hour day, come home to 2 kids who dont really want her there and DH whose annoyed at their whining for grandma. And while grandma is sat 300 feet away it is more of a struggle to fight it. Plus then when they tell grandma the next day that they wanted her they get "Oh, i was only next door. why didnt mummy just call me?"

so shes fighting a losing battle while already being very weak and weary.

@tokira if there's more of a backstory to your DH suggesting counselling then fair enough, but that rings alarm bells to me the way you've said it.

You have an objection to something he wants, so he'll sell it as the best idea when it inevitably comes up, and all of a sudden you'll be talked into it without even realising... sounds rather sneaky to me

hi tokira I don't know if this helps. May be MIL could be talked to consider doing something creative and find in herself a talent in doing somehing that fulfills her. People at some age usually retire or take early retirement and become active with hobbies or other things like art, crafts, writing and courses of their interest. There are thousand opportunities and courses fllled with evey age and some might suit MIL and may be at close distance to her home. The good thing is that she has no mobility problems. If she stays regularly in your home then as the children grow in just a few years - time passes - she will find herself all alone. So one way is for her to built her own interests away from your home.

The counselling is in relation to things other than this MIL thing.

@rhinosorosorosorus that is just so so sad but it would seem that your friend has more of a DH problem really, if her DH can't see that DCs crying for grandma instead of their mum is just messed up. Her MIL is not lovely if she has been emotionally crippling the DC and making them overly dependent on her to the detriment of their relationship with your friend.

@WholeFoods I agree. The good thing is that before DS was born she was already very active and had other pursuits/hobbies. Can't specify as would be rather outing but some of these arguably have gone on the back burner (out of choice) since MIL got more involved with DS. No other DGC in the picture and so DS is blessed with a lot of attention from MIL. I like PP suggestions to position to MIL that we would most need her help when DS is ill/unexpected school closure/school holidays etc., but would not wish for her to commit to anything super regular. At the moment it's true that DS is hard work as a toddler, very active and very keen on adult engagement, but as he gets older no doubt his needs and wants (and consequently ours, and MIL's) will change too - would be interested to know whether others have found this to be the case....

hi tokira. I understand. Some children are gifted and have an ability of the top 1 % so they find adults more close to their intellectual ability and their peers uninteresting and boring. From what you say - he likes adult engagement - probably a sign he is gifted. You then would need a properly university educated helper or special nursery that are trained for gifted children. You might have a gifted child and that is very good but the question is how you find out? Usually gifted are tested at 5 and 7 and I did so for my DS privately. I have a gifted DS and have experience of that. But you can work miracles if you try and read yourself you will discover signs of his ability and ways to go. Look up how they deal with gifted children in America. There is a centre in Dublin CTY - I do not know here in UK any. There was one but closed.

DS needs intellectual stimulus all the time that is why he likes granny. I wish to be clear DS needs foremost a top education from this age! So the issue I see is how to help DS develop his intellectual capacity.

My mother lived nearly 2 hours away and would come to stay every 3rd week for about 48 hours.

Arrive on Monday late morning, ....leave mid morning on Wednesday. It was very nice. If we needed her, she would come then vut it wasn't encouraged.

My brother, however, dropped dn's off Friday evening and didn't pick them up until Sunday afternoon. EVERY WEEKEND.

My mother truly resented that and was afraid to say anything for fear sil would stop allowing her to see them.

I think every week would be far too often. Once a month like my dm seems more reasonable

Best wishes.

Thump me if you must, but some pp are truly picky about mils.

My mil hated me. Accused me of stealing and tried to end our marriage but she died in October and i am sad for my DH.

Not all mil are trying to take control and not all comments are critiques. Try to put children first bc they need lots of love.

I would probably do half the things that people are unhappy about bc it's boring doing nothing and helping so laundry or meals help fill up the time.

Put children first instead of control and set how that goes.

Thanks @Catsinthecupboard, helpful to hear how you found the arrangement with your DM.

I agree it's important to think of DC's needs first. But it would be a shame to always put DC first at the expense of one's own relationship with DC or DH or MIL - children can be remarkably sensitive to how adults around them are feeling.

I would probably do half the things that people are unhappy about bc it's boring doing nothing and helping so laundry or meals help fill up the time

You’d purposely visit another persons home and take over the cleaning? How rude is that? Get a hobby, meet friends, do a cross word, watch a tv series or read a book and stop making others feel like shit because you’re bored.

Yes, don't make your boredom another person's problem.

How long til ds starts school? One thing I would consider is how many school holidays there are compared to your annual leave. MIL may be very useful then!