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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL staying with us weekly?

221 replies

tokira · 03/01/2019 01:13

NC for this. I need to know if I've lost perspective!

We are moving house soon and will have an extra room at the new place. DS is 3 and my MIL really dotes on him. She lives about 2 hours away, door-to-door.

DH is looking forward to having an extra room at the new place and has been talking about asking MIL come down and stay for 3 nights every week to help look after DS, particularly once he starts school. We both work full-time.

I've had a very visceral reaction to this and am shocked by how violently against this I'm feeling. It's not that MIL and I don't get along, she can be lovely but we are very different people and there is a certain MIL/DIL dynamic to contend with.

On the other hand, I worry that I'm being ungrateful as MIL is been a wonderful grandmother to DS and really goes out of her way to make his childhood amazing (Christmas at the in-laws was a whole production for junior...)

I'm also kind of annoyed with DH for suggesting this arrangement (and being very ready to suggest this to his MIL) without thinking it through from my POV. (in this regard, there are some similarities between mother and son!) Even after I brought it up, he couldn't seem to empathise with my objections, IYSWIM?

AIBU to feel this way? Or am I a snowflake DIL who needs to get a grip and appreciate how lucky we are to have MIL's help at hand!?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/01/2019 02:47

That sounds like moving her in by stealth. It would be me or her frankly. This is massively restricting you. Not to mention the influence she will have on your ds. He is your child. Even if your mil is lovely to him and all your family, it’s just too much.

My reaction would have been very strong as well. The assumption you would be on board must be very frustrating. Has he not cut the apron strings?

Racecardriver · 03/01/2019 02:48

Well I think it depends on what your MIL is like and whether you actually need the help. If it was my father it would be a godsend because he is so helpful and we really need the help. If it was my mother in law it would be ok but not ideal. We really need the help but she is flaky and enjoys stirring up drama. Other grandparents would be more trouble than they are worth.

HeebieJeebies456 · 03/01/2019 02:57

she may as well move in with you at that rate!
Or perhaps that is the long term plan in their minds for as she gets older.......

I'd put my foot down about this, absolutely no way!
Having to share your personal space and your son with her for what will feel like the majority of the week will be hell.
I doubt your sex life will fare any better or the rest of your relationship.

It's great that she dotes on dgs but she's too over invested in him and it's crossing boundaries.
3 days and nights a week with your son in your home plus having him at hers twice a month for sleepovers is waaaaaay too much - it'll just encourage her to be even more overbearing.
He's YOUR son - not hers. She can't play pseudo-mum with him.
There is fuck all wrong with being a working mum and she needs to accept this.
You will be judged everyday for going to work.....and this will feel even worse when she tells you about all ds 'firsts' that she has been there for/saw/did etc.

Tell your husband if he's that intent on living with his mother again he can move in with her.

ThousandCows · 03/01/2019 02:59

Good grief no, YADNBU!

Laserbird16 · 03/01/2019 03:01

YANBU. If you were interested in this arrangemention at all why do you have to go straight to 3 days a week? Why not try Mil stays over one day a fortnight/week depending how up for it you are and see what happens?

Your DH is being quite unreasonable assuming you and mil are happy for your lives to change significantly with no consultation. luckily you don't have to agree to it!

SilverBirchTree · 03/01/2019 03:04

Good relationships involve healthy boundaries. Some relationships are better with some distance between the parties.

You should tell your DH that it is in the interest of everyone's relationship with MIL that she not live half the week with you. It's just too much. Especially if you feel she judges and undermines you as a parent at times.

BetsyBigNose · 03/01/2019 03:23

YANBU!

However, if you did want to take advantage of the free childcare on offer, how about compromising on having MIL to stay one night per week, with her providing the childcare on the days either side?

My DM used to have DD1 for 2 days per week when she was a baby, alternating one week at ours (when she would sleepover for the night in between) then taking her to stay at her house the following week (so DH and I would have a 'night off' once every 2 weeks!) - it worked for us!

Pockybot · 03/01/2019 03:35

Find an after school club for him to attend once he starts school

Get MIL to come stay the occasional weekend so you two can have time to go out together
Keep her as a babysitter

These things can go very wrong and DHs can side with MILs and once she is living in your house you are stuck
Keep it as occasional- it’s win win!

Ellie56 · 03/01/2019 03:51

No no no!

Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2019 03:54

You and your husband are both adults. You do not need your MIL to "help" care for your child for half the week. That's fucking ridiculous.

kateandme · 03/01/2019 04:07

3 days a week isn't childcare though.she isn't stepping away at the end of the day.3 days a week that share of responsibility/authority I think will still be kept up with ur ds.
I wouldn't do this with a best friend (or would have to think hard)nevr mind mil.
I think shed have to be relaxed and into her role as you see fit.and from what you've said it doesn't sound like shes oing that.or doing it in a way you feel comfortable.and that ok.you feel how you feel and so then it warrented.
once your home its lovely for it then to be your time with ds and family.3 days a week she will always be there.and your realtnionshop doesn't sound great enough to stand her stepping back.or you not feeling overshadowed by her being there all the time.
on the other hand...well I cant think of some from reading your post but im sure from your dh side there must be the good points.
talk to him.
out of interest sorry to ask but do you have a mum?how would he feel if you wanted her to come do you think.?

RosaAbsolute · 03/01/2019 04:09

Paying for childcare is IMO better than having regular childcare done by family members because you are still in control and the parents. As soon as you accept favours of the level your DH is suggesting your MIL effectively becomes a co-parent. You'll never be able to criticise anything she does with your DC because "she's helping us so much already".

Are you willing to parent your DC with your DH and MIL?

As for her living with you for 43% of your life- no no no! Why would anyone want that? Why isn't she seeing that's far too intrusive?

mummmy2017 · 03/01/2019 04:18

Ask him how he feels about his home being invaded by your mum for the other 3 days....
Tell him he can do the cleaning on change day...
Oh and tell him you will imploment a sex ban on days anyone lives with you.

AGHHHH · 03/01/2019 04:27

Oh god.

I'd be too stunned to say anything rational.

I'd just about manage "no".

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/01/2019 04:28

A house guest three days a week. Every week? In whose world is that reasonable?

Would your DH be happy with someone other than his mum staying with you three days a week, every week?

Just because she's his mum doesn't make this OK, and I say this as someone whose MIL comes to stay every year for 5 weeks at a time (so no MIL axe to grind).

How can a decent person possibly think it's OK to make a unilateral decision about something so impactful on both of you? This is not OK behaviour from your DH.

VioletBedframe · 03/01/2019 04:28

YANBU
MIL lived with us for 2 years. I lost my mind. Don’t do it.

kmmr · 03/01/2019 04:45

I think you need to have a think about it.

There are lots of benefits, and surely there is a middle ground. Plus it depends what MIL does. My mum does childcare one day a week and magically manages to do half my laundry for the week, often including ironing, plus some other task for me. Like cleaning the oven. I'd love her another day! But, not 3 days a week, every week. Plus remember you will likely see her weekends and other times too, so it will be more than 3 days a week.

As PP suggested, how about 1 night a week? Or 2 nights a fortnight as it would be impossible for her to drive down 2 hrs for your work departure time I assume. Its lovely that she wants to be involved, and if you have a good relationship hopefully you can be open with her as to why.

Need to be delicate of course, but most reasonable people will see that families need their own private space, despite still loving and appreciating wider family support.

LightDrizzle · 03/01/2019 04:58

Go with your gut. There is no one on this earth I would want to stay in our house with us 3 days a week. With the probable exception of my adored adult daughter, - although even she gets on my tits a bit after a while.
You will feel invaded, and lovely as it is that she dotes on your son, you could end up feeling you are in a matriarchal power struggle. This happened with my own mother after I moved in with her and my girls after flitting the marital home. I’m so grateful for her being there at that time, but she started to get possessive over my youngest and it drove me mad.

I also don’t like have to be bright and chatty at all times, and what about if/when you and your DH have the snippy exchanges that most couples have? Are you going to feel judged? How will you feel if she takes up some of his domestic load, but not yours “because he works so hard” etc. He is her boy, you are not her girl, even if she likes and respects you. It’s a very hard situation to reverse without causing a lot of upset and hurt feelings all round, so just don’t go there.

kshaw · 03/01/2019 06:04

I have my in laws one night a week to look after dd one day a week. It's challenging!!! Think I could cope with just mil but both is a bit much for various reasons. Maybe compromise for a shorter time than half a week!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/01/2019 06:33

Yeah, that would be a big no from me.

We moved to be near to MIL - 15 mins, actually - and she started coming over EVERY day. After a couple of weeks of this (we'd only just moved in, there was lots to be done and I had a 22mo child) I asked DH if this was how he planned on life continuing, because I wasn't prepared to put up with it. I said "no more than 3 times a week, if that".
So she came no more than 3 times a week. There were LOTS of boundary issues, not least that she just thought she could run this household like her own - uh, no - and just take over the garden etc., again, no.
She'd never had to deal with an older female in her marriage - her mother had died when she was young and her MIL lived overseas - so I don't think she realised just how MUCH she was treading on my toes (being kind). Had to get DH to tell her to back the fuck off though or our relationship would have been in tatters.

Patienceisvirtuous · 03/01/2019 06:34

Nope. Bad idea all round. Use paid childcare instead.

I have big mil issues so am biased - but still nope!

PixiKitKat · 03/01/2019 06:42

I wouldn't have this.
Can you suggest childcare in a nursury, childminder etc is better for your child from a socialisation angle? If he's only with you 2 and then MIL he might like making some friends his own age.

Surfskatefamily · 03/01/2019 06:47

Yes its a bit much. Personally my limit would be 1 night every 2weeks. More is a bit intrusive

SarfE4sticated · 03/01/2019 06:51

my mum does this for us, comes down on Thursday lunchtime, picks DD up from school and puts her to bed, then takes her to school the next day and picks her up from school Friday, going home Friday evening when we get home from work.
It's bloddy ace! One night a week were DH and I can go out, plus two days where we can get to work and back without that awful feeling that you might be late for pick up. Mum and DD have a really close relationship and DD goes to her house for a week during the summer holidays.
If you can do it, and you get your ground rules in place, and she only stays over one night, it could be a really good set up. Just get an arrangement set in stone.

Thewalker75 · 03/01/2019 06:55

We are about to start a similar arrangement with my mum but our children are much younger, im not sure how much of a difference that makes but by having her stay for 2 nights a week she's saving us 2 days of nursery fees.

However, as soon as we get home we will take over all normal duties and she will keep herself to herself leaving us to it.

Only you know how your mil will behave and if you can cope with It, it sounds like you can't but I am surprised at everyone saying absolutely not when in reality you both work full time so will only see her in the evenings and she could be doing you a favour.

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