I’m the worst mum ever and don’t know what to do

[Endofwitsend]

My kids are out of control and I can’t do anything about it. I’m at my wits end. I can’t make up my mind if we’re too soft or too strict.
They never follow instructions, can’t reason and don’t respond to removal of privileges or talking about things, family rules, sticker charts, routines. They totally rule the roost.
My partner and I never go out because I’m embarrassed to leave them with a babysitter because their behaviour is so bad. They play up every bedtime and short of locking their bedroom doors I don’t know what I can say or do to get them to go to bed. I get so exasperated sometimes, I cry. And sometimes I’m so tired from a day of having them I just ignore it and let them crack on.
They display behaviours that aren’t in any of the books so I don’t know how to deal with them, and I’ve read many many books!
I’ve had many outbursts at them, manhandled them especially when trying to get them in the car/ off something dangerous and I’m ashamed to admit it but smacked them on occasion. All to no avail.
They are 6/5/3
I wish they could go and live with parents that actually know how to provide stability for them and I feel like a shit mum every day. I can’t believe how disrespectful and badly behaved they are and I know it’s all our fault but can’t find a way to get them to stop.
Please ask me for more info if I’m drip feeding but I don’t want to write an essay (I could)
And please help

Do they have SN?

Can you identify what you're doing wrong? Do you give in too easily?

Have you watched any of the Nanny programmes?

Okay, deep breath. First thing first, is your partner on board with getting this sorted?

Have you looked into parenting support at a local children's centre?

First of all I doubt you are the worst mum!

We had this but only have two of them, we started to crack this by taking the kids out separately where possible to get them behaving better as they had 1:1 and over many months increased their time together.

I know it's simple but really worked for us - but know it's not always possible. Take care and good luck!

This sounds really hard but they're quite young yet and maybe as you have three it's easier to feel 'ganged up against'. Dh and I always said that we'd stick at 2 so as not to be outnumbered and outgunned!

My two are 16 months apart and when they were between 3-5 that was definitely the hardest time. As the youngest hit 6 they suddenly became much more biddable and actually listened to what I asked them to do.

Do you find that you're following through with things? - Not punishments exactly but just doing as you say you're going to? I found that if I said something like 'if you don't stop shouting/ jumping around/ making a mess/ whatever, then we're not going to the playgym' was far more effective the second time if I actually followed through the first - even if that sometimes felt like I was cutting my own nose off to spite my face.

I feel the same op, mine are 7/6/4 so quite similar to yours as in how close they are in age. I honestly believe that is it, Mine fight constantly, every day is a fight. It gets embarrasing taking them out and they dont listen. 2 do have asd though not that its an excuse. Just letting you know your not alone

You're not the worst mum ever, you recognise that there is an issue and you want to solve it, the worst mum ever wouldn't care.

You say they play up at bedtime, does this mean they don't get enough sleep do you think? I ask this because DD had pretty bad behaviour issues when she was 4-6 and part (not all, there were other issues involved but still a significant part) of the problem was that she wasn't sleeping well and so she was chronically tired which made her behaviour so much worse. Once she was prescribed melatonin and actually started to sleep (along with instituting a strict routine, any playing up meant loss of tv time which was her biggest pleasure - try to think what your kids value the most, that is their currency) things started to improve and it made it much easier to work on other behavioural issues.

Another important thing to do is change the way you respond to them, outbursts and smacking don't help as I'm sure you know, and changing that isn't easy when you're fed up and frustrated so it would be a good idea to learn some calming techniques to calm yourself down before you respond to them when they are naughty.

I reckon the real problem is that you have 3 of them and they can overwhealm you with numbers (and wind each other up). Can you divide and conquer? One of you do bedtime w 3 year old whilst your dh keeps the other two downstairs?

What behaviour do they display that's not in the books?

What consequences have you tried?

You aren't a shit mum- you're just overwhelmed and demotivated. I've been there. For my children, routine and clear boundaries are the key and I follow PACE parenting techniques.

It can take a while to filter down, but I'm so much more relaxed and they are too.

Op aibu can be quite harsh. Maybe move to parenting ? Speak to your school or local children's centre as they often run parenting classes. You are not a shit mum a shit mum would not be looking for answers.

What probably is going on is that you had three close together and during the years when you needed to set boundaries you were... understandably...very tired and distracted.

Hi op. Your local sure start centre might offer Solihull style courses in ‘understanding your child’. They really help you to figure out and respond to your kids.

we started to crack this by taking the kids out separately where possible to get them behaving better as they had 1:1 and over many months increased their time together.
This has really helped us and a lot of what you say has resonated with me.
Consequences need to be immediate and mainly positive. For something like a good mealtime or bedtime we give a marble, after about 30, we have a family day out. We use time in bedroom for unsafe behaviour but you must prioritise - what is really important to deal with now, and what can be ignored.

I struggled with one of my children in particular OP.I reached out to the children center and I've been going once a week for a 2 hour class. It's called incredible years toddlers. I felt I was doing most of it anyway but even just a few tweaks with the way I speak or phrase things has made a world of difference and I feel like I can actually enjoy my kids again. ( I have 4) It may be worth a try. You can check the children's center facebook page. Or just ring them , see what they've got coming up. Im sure you're not a shit mum at all. I bet most of us struggle at times. Mine used to set one another off . :)

What is their diet like?

What does a typical day look like for you/their routine?

Oh and for bedtime:
Both parents outside rooms if necessary.
Sit quietly, no shouting.
Any leaving room = "go back to bed, it's bedtime" on repeat. Take them back if necessary. We say in bed = door open and landing light on, and any "I need X" or "mummy can I tell you..." is met with the above on repeat.

Let's just focus on one thing - bedtime. What is the routine?

We always had bath, story time with low lighting and story was low level, not involving too much interaction, and then bed where we sang 4 songs to them. Then we would go downstairs. Sometimes they would play up, I would go up, remind them it was bedtime, take them back to bed. If they got up again I'd just be the most boring person ever and not react. At times when they were anxious, I would sit at the entrance to their bedroom reading my book, then gradually over the next few nights move further away.

Kids like routine as they then know what is coming next, it cuts down on any anxiety they may have. You can make it into a visual timetable too, so they can see what is happening next.

Well we usually we have a pretty normal routine in a school day. The children come up to us in the morning as the youngest wakes super early and we watch a bit of tv together in bed until about 7. Go downstairs, breakfast, uniforms, maybe a little play if there’s time and out the door 8.30ish. The routine is the same but they piss about every day. Saying they need help with dressing (they don’t apart from 3yo with some things) chucking spoons on floor
3 yo comes home with me at mid day and plays/ colours/ watches tv/ we go shopping etc until after school.
As soon as I pick up the others from school the madness starts, I want this, I want that. Going completely overboard about things I say no to to the point where they’re hysterical.
Bedtime is hideous. They have dinner, brush their teeth and get into pjs. The older ones have reading time whilst the younger one is read a story. Then it starts....
Younger one gets up again and again and again
Older ones calling out to me if I ignore them they start banging the walls, kicking doors to get my attention. I end up shouting. They will also get up a million times for the toilet, a drink, a tissue. I provide all these things at bedtime and have had to take drinks away because they olay with the water. Wetting bed which means I have to change....
Saying they’re scared if I try to turn off light, stashing stuff under their pillows to play with, shouting to each other (separate bedrooms)
My dp is on board but is as clueless as me when it comes to what to do.
We might say to them if you go to bed nicely you can do such and such tomorrow then they never do so they never get to do anything nice and I spend all the next day listening to “I want to do X”and I feel like I’m just horrible for dangling the carrot in the first place. Shattered

We might say to them if you go to bed nicely you can do such and such tomorrow
That's probably a bit too long term/big for them to manage. Once they've been silly once they might as well carry on.
But as we do above - be right there, ignore any nonsense, one loo trip and that's it.

Could have written this myself about my six year old. I'm at breaking point. Following.

Oof, bedtime sounds hard work🍷 - have you tried staggered bedtime as a pp suggested? Get the 3 yr old to bed around half six, five year old at seven and the 6 year old at half past maybe? Really ham it up so the older ones think they’re getting a real treat, keep them separate the whole time if possible.

Dreading ettingto this stage, 2 boys on my own. Can you do the 3yr olds bedtime first? Concentrate on getting that sorted , keep other 2 downstairs til he's asleep, then take them up and deal with 1 each? I don't know what to suggest 're how to deal with them though. Other than pick a routine and stick to it rigidly. Toilet just before bed, no more drinks, rapid return to bed. Stars /whatever for compliance?

Divide and conquer! If there are dgps, can they help, maybe by taking one at a time? I have dgs5 on his own but not dgd2 as well, because they drive me crazy with their fighting. But separately, they are so much better and easier to manage. You could say " the best child goes to spend time with dgps" (or the worst child, depending on whether they like going)!