I’m the worst mum ever and don’t know what to do

[Endofwitsend]

My kids are out of control and I can’t do anything about it. I’m at my wits end. I can’t make up my mind if we’re too soft or too strict.
They never follow instructions, can’t reason and don’t respond to removal of privileges or talking about things, family rules, sticker charts, routines. They totally rule the roost.
My partner and I never go out because I’m embarrassed to leave them with a babysitter because their behaviour is so bad. They play up every bedtime and short of locking their bedroom doors I don’t know what I can say or do to get them to go to bed. I get so exasperated sometimes, I cry. And sometimes I’m so tired from a day of having them I just ignore it and let them crack on.
They display behaviours that aren’t in any of the books so I don’t know how to deal with them, and I’ve read many many books!
I’ve had many outbursts at them, manhandled them especially when trying to get them in the car/ off something dangerous and I’m ashamed to admit it but smacked them on occasion. All to no avail.
They are 6/5/3
I wish they could go and live with parents that actually know how to provide stability for them and I feel like a shit mum every day. I can’t believe how disrespectful and badly behaved they are and I know it’s all our fault but can’t find a way to get them to stop.
Please ask me for more info if I’m drip feeding but I don’t want to write an essay (I could)
And please help

Op sounds like you could use 123magic as a pp mentioned.
FWIW in this scenario:
I’m going to try the dreaded rapid return tomorrow night and binge watch super nanny tonight.
They are taking the complete piss, you are right and I think Christmas didn’t help.
Thank you for all your advice I am going to sift through with pen and paper and write a battle plan.
Can I just ask one more thing? This situation.
Child- Mummy can I have X?
Mum- No, we haven’t time/ you’ve had enough/ too messy etc
Child- Oh, that’s not fair I WANT X
Mum- I said No
Child- (kicks off) I want it NOW, you’re mean, I hate you bla bla (at this point I’d be saying ‘that’s a One’ not ignoring it.)Mum- i(ignores)
Child - I want etc (thats a two)
Mum- ignores
Child begins to grab mother and follow about the house crying and repeating I want X
(*thats a 3, time out- (x minutes on the step)) so it wouldn’t get to this point vvv. No emotion or speaking directly afterwards, but if they do come for a cuddle after you can freely give it, without giving them mixed signals.

Mum- ignores
Child- Mummy why are you not talking to me, why won’t you answer? You won’t even speak to me you’re mean
Mum- ignores
Child-(still kicking off) I WANT a cuddle
Mum- ignores
Child- You said cuddles come for free and you’ll always give me a cuddle
Mum-(wearily cuddles child)
Child-(sobbing) Mummy? Can I have X now
Mum- No
Rinse and repeat

Can I actually deny him a cuddle even if he’s begging for one and am I a liar because cuddles shouldn’t be earned or conditional should they?

Following my cathartic post at the start (and they really were total nobs yesterday!) I’ll try to offer some actual advice.

You have a 5 & 6 year old as do I, and they are basically ‘dysfunctional twins’ as someone once said to me. Very close in age, best of friends most of the time (except when they are fighting) but also complete allies and a double act of shitty behaviour on a daily basis whilst the 2 year old destroys the house quietly in the background.

The book ‘how to talk so kids will listen’ genuinely helped. I’ve had it for years, and re-read it recently, and it did help.

My 5 year old is a prize manipulator and cries about EVERYTHING so if anyone has any suggestions I’m all ears. Every time you say no to him or move him away from the others for fighting he wails - and I mean WAILS. He opens his mouth and out pours this extremely loud ‘waaaaaahhhhhh’ sound with no tears, just noise, that goes on until you finally crack and say ‘STOP!’ (Or shut up in my case this week, I was pissed off after a day of it!) - my record of ignoring this week was 20 minutes. 20 minutes of very loud WAAAAHHH. Nob.

My biggest issue is how loud they are and run around screaming.

Anyway bedtimes were a nightmare too for us but we did crack them and here is how:

Eldest goes downstairs alone with a book and waits in the lounge.

Youngest has milk with DH then he puts her to bed.

Middle has a story just with me - ‘special mummy time’ and a chat then I stay with him on his bed, reading mumsnet or whatever, whilst he falls asleep and tell him ‘ssshhh’ every time he opens his mouth. I’ve sat right up on his pillow when I started this and he just ignored me.

DH goes downstairs and gives eldest ‘special daddy time’ with a great book (currently Roald Dahl series). She then comes up after 20 minutes.

So each of the elder two has had their ‘special’ time. I also play a lullaby for the youngest on the iPad so they can fall asleep whilst all of this is quietly going on.

It has worked, and they were utter shits at bedtime before this. They all need to get that one on one I’ve found before bedtime to make each feel special but once they’re in bed that’s it - no chat, nothing. And I sit there and enforce it.

I remove favourite things if they don’t comply. I’ve tried positive with the eldest but it doesn’t work, she only responds to losing her bike for a week or her special daddy time or a pudding or something!

And when they’re being sods, time out sat staring at a wall each separately.

Make them clear up all their own mess and don’t baby them. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be praising a 6 year old for putting their socks on - just get on with it and then you can watch tv / eat breakfast etc but until you have done it, neither one is happening. Don’t budge.

Set your expectations higher and if you say NO it’s no. Follow through. I’ve found where I’ve been weak and ‘given in’ they’ve started to expect it!! My eldest would be very naughty, consequence, then come to me later expecting the consequence to be lifted because she was now being good. Because I didn’t like the bad feeling I had relented a few times and the little monkey had come to expect to be able to get around me.

I need to get mafia on them today. I feel you OP.

Strong coffee, let’s kick some mob butt!

My eldest lad did it a few times as he worked out it was worth a timeout for the pleasure of shoving his sibling.

Hah my eldest was the same, when she was 3 she got the time out chair out and I asked if she was putting herself in time out and she said yes but first I have to kick you!

OP Sounds like you have a solid plan now, I really hope it goes well.

One thing that I actually started to enjoy was a real grey rock ultimate boredom episode.

Mine are 22m apart

So if something very insane was going down. I would become completely silent and non moving (so stop the car and sit in silence) sometimes up to 30 minutes. This initially drove them BONKERS and they would scream and yell to try to make me stop doing it. But I did not stop. Oh no I did not. Once it was all calm again usually at least one of them was saying ‘I’m sorry mummy can we go now?’ And I would spring back to life

Eventually of enough times of doing this it would only take me to indicate and stop the car randomly for them to stop the behaviour quicker.

I did also stand silently outside their bedroom whilst they had tantrums stopping them leaving the room. I wasn’t abandoning them but wasn’t responding. Me turning myself to ‘off’ did seem much more effective than yelling!

also audio books YES I USED THESE FOR 7 YEARS TO MAKE THEM GO TO BED

Pookie that's encouraging, I'm trying it but I'm not there yet!

I actually had a callback from Supernanny production team. But exDP said no to us appearing

I was that desperate

Also play the game I’m Calling Your Bluff

Won’t get dressed?
Then we go out in just our pants (usually makes them put clothes on quickly once they realise you are ok with them not having any on)

Want to throw yourself on the floor?
Well go on then but I won’t be watching you do it it’s boring. No audience usually makes them follow you but as it’s so boring you just ignore them

Want to throw your food around?
Then you can help clean it up afterwards

I have DC aged 4/3/1 and OP I can relate absolutely.

I feel like a shit mum, most of the time.

It’s the manipulative behaviour and they know which buttons to press. You have my sympathy and you are doing a great job.

They are ok at school, middle is the least problematic. Youngest behaves at nursery but has a few issues with slight speech delay and teacher says that he can’t follow instructions but she also told me he couldn’t talk about a month ago which he certainly can so I’m taking with a pinch of salt.
Eldest will do enough to get by but the teacher is very negative and will always look for the bad in every situation so dc1 doesn’t bother because there’s no pleasing her. E.g homework was to write a piece of work over October half term but left book at school. We did homework on a piece of paper. It was good work and dc1 tried hard. I explained to the teacher myself, first day back that we had been away for the week so had to do it on paper, with a biro. The teacher held up work in front of class as an example of what not to do which I imagine humiliated dc1. When we received the homework back marked she had written “you were Meant to do this homework in pencil and where is your book?”
I get we didn’t do it entirely properly but I imagine that there were at least a handful of children in the class that didn’t do any homework at all. If I were a teacher I would have written something like “Great work X. I’m pleased you managed to get your homework done even though you didn’t have your book or pencil”
It’s difficult when the teacher makes a big show of the children who are above average and makes them the benchmark. Dc1 went up a couple of reading levels in about a month and we made a massive deal out of it. DC was beaming, all smiles, looked up at me grinning and said Mummy, maybe one day I’ll be as good at reading as X eh?

I still feel like a shit mum. Mine are 14 and 16. I was in A&E last night alone till 10pm. They had to ‘fend for themselves’ which meant I came home to a huge mess and they are still in bed now. I need them to go to the shop for food - I have to wait in for a washing machine repair man.
They are still in bed and won’t get up. Thanks for the sympathy and support kids 😂 although I do anything for them without a second thought!

They were ok this morning as they knew daddy was taking them out. They got up, dressed and ready fine and we’re out the house by 9.30.
No telly this morning.
Hopefully they will be worn out when they get back.

I’d be complaining about that teacher to the head. That kind of singling out is unacceptable and if a teacher did that to my child they’d only do it once. If they want to be respected then they need to treat the children with respect.

I know this sounds stupid but I really believe it (and see a difference in my eldest when we do consistently implement it), when you are connected to your child emotionally they behave better because they want to please you.

That's the reason (IMO) that the 1:1 situation improves behaviour also.

Our daughter is very headstrong and goes through stages where I think A/I am the worst Mum in the world & B/She is the worst child in the world, neither of these things are true

What is true is that at these times there are often things going on in my life and when I am stressed or really tired I tend to revert to yelling rather than reasoning, expecting her to do stuff by her self rather than me help her (she is almost 6).

I have to admit that I recently got to the point of being fed up and I rang a parenting helpline, the counsellor helped me reaffirm the belief that connection with your child is the basis of a good relationship, simple things like

avoiding an after school melt down by saying 'here, let me help you unpack your bag' and then unzipping her bag and passing her lunch box to her rather than insisting she do it alone

avoiding being sucked in to the yelling by not taking it personally and trying to thing about why the child is yelling in the first place, are they angry/hurt/scared or over tired (end of term/year tiredness etc)

when they do get worked up, staying calm and de escalating things by avoiding getting worked up is such a big one around here, when I stay calm I instantly notice the day is smoother and she calms down almost instantly if I say something like 'darling, I am not talking to you like that, please don't yell at Mummy' rather that 'Right! That's it! I have had enough!! Go to your room!!'.

I have had occasions where I have yelled at her and sent her to her room and she has drawn all over the wall in anger or cut things up etc so she is by no means an easy kid but when I talk calmly to her, even if she receives the exact same punishment (sent to her room) she actually quite often will write a 'sorry note' rather than act out in anger.

Is there someone you can reach out to for help/to give you a break for a bit and let you recharge for an hour or two of R & R?

Things I have done (that might help).

Seat belts - if not done up we stopped (as soon as possible) and sat until all seat belts done up. I'd play on my phone, read a book - whatever.

Can I have a drink - offer water.

Getting out of bed - do something physical, and then calming - maybe try Yoga with them? Then in bed. If youngest objects, then explain how they get "special time" when the other are at school.
But basically ignore/grey rock after bedtime. But don't let them get away with anything, just minimal interaction. (But if they really can't sleep then later bedtime, early wake up time, or occupy self in bed.)

Make sure you are spotting GOOD BEHAVIOUR! This is really key. Praise them whenever they are good. Set yourself targets eg. spot each one being good 10 times a day, start of with really easy 'good things".

Also get sometime to yourself. Try to spot when you can cope better. Do you need a nap?

I also found behaviour improved when we stopped screens for one reason or another (1 or 2 days of madness followed by relative calm).

Oh my goodness, I don't really have much good advice but I just wanted to say I doubt you are a shit mum it sounds like you are doing your best. Let me guess are they 3 boys?

I think the main problem is that they are so young and close in age, so they're winding each other up constantly. You're outnumbered.

My main advice would be that when they're playing up to make everything as boring as possible, ignoring as much as possible. Don't ask them, tell them what's going to happen, consequences must be immediate e.g if you're fighting over the tv it goes off, if you're playing with water at bedtime it is taken away.

I would not be offering water or yoga - anything that is more fun than lying in bed will be taken in preference - we also have tipping water on the bed (but we don't change it, they are small and their beds are big so they can find a dry spot!)

Reading all of this is starting to make me feel dare I say it.... kind of normal!!

I spent the full summer out in the garden with the children repeatedly calling Ds name telling him to calm and basically stop doing dangerous things!! It’s recently been flagged up he has some SENs issues which perfectly explains me saying the same thing a million times to him with no response or acknowledgement make sense!!

But during this the little one has found her voice!! We have been so focused on Ds that we have basically let her away with murder! Now she does this high pitched screaming for the slightest thing like being told no to another sweetie.... she did this in the garden a few months ago and I then had a neighbor shouting over telling me they would be calling social services as my child was in distress and that she had seen me push her!! I was down on her level trying to talk to her when she attempted to bite me so I moved her back to arms length as she was kicking too!!

This has really made me feel like not just a shitty mum but also that I am being watched and judged now!! My headge at this side is a good 7 feet high but she was looking through a small gap in the corner!!

Now I feel like the little one has me cornered as the minute she starts screaming I am giving in just to keep her quite thanks to nosey neighbor! 🤦‍♀️ She screams a lot some times she’s doing it for fun and having a little giggle to herself in between!!

@million your neighbour sounds like a twat!

I spent the full summer out in the garden with the children repeatedly calling Ds name telling him to calm and basically stop doing dangerous things!!
The first summer we moved into our house I basically expected the neighbours both sides to move out.
At least in the winter my voice is inside.

Agree with @Bekabeech about the screens. Mine have their iPads removed when they get mardy about them. For up to a week.

I haven't rtft but I've read your posts op. heres a couple of things that have worked for me. I have 3dc 6, nearly 3 and 10 month old.

I think you need a positive behaviour reward system in place along side the new discipline regime. i find this quite difficult as im naturally no nonsense and can get shouty if the kids dont listen. So I've implemented a token reward system... as much for me as them as it reminds me to be positive and praise good behaviour. Google it for ideas and devise a system that works for you. but essentially give tokens for good behaviour and dc can choose a reward from a menu of options. extra story, stickers, small packet of sweeties and if they get into it you can add larger rewards if they save up their rewards.

until they're behaving better consider stopping or minimise screen time, especially in the mornings. it can really impact behaviour. if you need to use screens in the morning make it an incentive.... no screen time until you're dressed etc and breakfast eaten. i was really mean and didn't let them watch tv for ages and only used screens for activities like kids yoga (cosmic kids yoga on you tube is brilliant) or dancing. they're back watching tv now but only later in the day for a short spell when they need a rest.

finally, I know its so hard to feel like you're giving them enough attention but an easy way is by giving them lots of affection through out the day. kiss & cuddles even tickling games or jokes. i notice if i let this slip so does behaviour.

its exhausting keeping in top of it all but it's worse when they're being terrors so it's worth it.

hope it goes well and you notice a difference in them soon.

I have an almost 7 year old, who from being about 3, has been a little turd (politely putting). Both children (eldest is 10) have always had routine, in bed by 7 on school nights and up until youngest being 3, all was fine.

She turned 3, and it was like the devil appeared. Bedtime became a nightmare, eating became disruptive and she was keeping my eldest up at night with the constant kicking of walls. So...I did a super nanny. Baby gate on door, and completely ignored her. Yes it was hard work, and yes it took its toll, but it payed off. Things got easier, I'm not saying we're over it as she still argues the toss at bedtime, talks constantly at dinner to the point her dinner is cold, but I say nothing back, not a word.

Behaviour isn't great with her even today, but when she starts playing up, I just walk away from her. I've told her when she's older, she needs to be a lawyer, as she could argue with her own shadow!

Hang on in there, you are by no means a bad mum!

I'd be offering Yoga as a calm down to some vigorous exercise. Water was had in non spill cups until I could trust them not to spill.

@Millionsofthings Ignore your neighbour - she seems like a noisy cow. To be honest my DC used to scream so much when I brushed their hair that I was always expecting SS to call. Don't let threats like hers get you down.

It’s so comforting to know I’m not the only one going through this so to all of you dealing with the same pain. I’ve read threads about certain behaviour types being a problem but what I think many of us are dealing with is multiple problems in many areas.
I always thought it was “those other kind of mums” that had children that were ferrel.

With regard to screens were not a tablet family and I think that in some way I let them watch more tv to compensate. Also, sometimes they will sit and watch a whole movie in silence which gives me time to get on but, as with many things it has now become an argument as each one has certain things they want to watch and it’s almost like one of them wins if I’ve chosen what they want. So I’ll say- I’m choosing what to put on- cue squabbling, the hump, tantrums.
This can also lead to other behaviours which exhaust me like not giving each other personal space on the couch, squabbling over blankets/ cushions.
Wrapping each other in blankets and dragging each other around in said blankets- they also do this with their bedding too, getting inside it and flying down the stairs urgh.....
The tv is not going on now unless at certain times and it will be general tv (luckily they are all still young enough for CBeebies)
Our neighbours on both sides have one young child each and I swear I can feel the judgement in their stares as I struggle to load them into the car. I know they can hear me shouting at them daily and am surprised that neither have called SS especially when doors are being slammed or I am stomping down the stairs to break up another fight.