I’m the worst mum ever and don’t know what to do

[Endofwitsend]

My kids are out of control and I can’t do anything about it. I’m at my wits end. I can’t make up my mind if we’re too soft or too strict.
They never follow instructions, can’t reason and don’t respond to removal of privileges or talking about things, family rules, sticker charts, routines. They totally rule the roost.
My partner and I never go out because I’m embarrassed to leave them with a babysitter because their behaviour is so bad. They play up every bedtime and short of locking their bedroom doors I don’t know what I can say or do to get them to go to bed. I get so exasperated sometimes, I cry. And sometimes I’m so tired from a day of having them I just ignore it and let them crack on.
They display behaviours that aren’t in any of the books so I don’t know how to deal with them, and I’ve read many many books!
I’ve had many outbursts at them, manhandled them especially when trying to get them in the car/ off something dangerous and I’m ashamed to admit it but smacked them on occasion. All to no avail.
They are 6/5/3
I wish they could go and live with parents that actually know how to provide stability for them and I feel like a shit mum every day. I can’t believe how disrespectful and badly behaved they are and I know it’s all our fault but can’t find a way to get them to stop.
Please ask me for more info if I’m drip feeding but I don’t want to write an essay (I could)
And please help

Mine are 6,5 and 2.

They have been utter nobs today. I’m very consistent but still they yell, screech, fight, run around like loons and DO NOT listen to me. I end up screeching like a banshee just to get heard. DH and I would generally be pretty level people but they drive us berserk.

My life is that meme ‘when you hear me yelling at my kids please know that I asked nicely the first five times’. I’ve read the books on parenting and employed the strategies, they get lots of time and attention, DH & I split it up give them one on one.....but mostsome days they are just arseholes. Today has been that day.

I even sat them down in the holidays and made a list of all the ways in which we as a family had to RESPECT each other. Because they keep ignoring and behaving badly, we end up yelling or roughly handling or using time out 80 billion times and it’s just a cycle of disrespect. I hate it! I hate how much they wind me up and how I react to it. But they really have been the most selfish intolerable little shits the past few weeks.

And breathe.

That was cathartic.

Aww sounds pretty hard work, have u tried staggered bedtime i.e 3 yr old in bed 7pm ,5 yr old 7.30 and 6yr old 8pm, I have used this method and it encouraged the older DC to feel more mature I often told each child that the others werent going to bed if they weren't asleep , that was definitely a good incentive 😂 ps ur absolutely not the worst mum, it's hard going being a parent x

Their diet is really good they eat home cooked meals with the odd bit of crap like crisps once/ twice a week. They will eat absolutely anything so no problems there.
They are all nt to my knowledge apart from youngest who has slight developmental delay (undiagnosed)
If I were to sit outside the room and return them as suggested they would just open door, jump over me and start running round the house then it would be a ridiculous fight with me putting them back 100 times + for hours on end.
They’re not sleep deprived because I put them to bed at 6.30 to counteract all the pissing about so they’re asleep by 8.30 very latest and up by 7 latest. 8.30pm is rare. Usually an hour of madness before bed.
I know you’re going to say no wonder they play up they’re not tired but I’ve tried every bedtime and they still do it for the same amount of time and get up at 7 which means overtired and worse the next day. I

It sounds like you’re doing well OP!
My only question would be exercise - if they’re messing about for ages at bedtime they don’t actually sound tired - could you take them to the park or swimming etc after school? How much activity do they do?

have you watched supernanny videos on YouTube. She does lots of videos on bedtime

You have my full sympathy 💐💐mine were an absolute nightmare and spent a lot of their time been sent to their rooms with strict instructions not to open the door. 25 years later their inseparable and the best of mates. Me and their dad however are knackered

What if you stand outside the door and block them? Don't get angry, pretend you're a piece of furniture.

No advice OP but it can be so hard.
Hugs
Bad mums don't post for help or worry they are not doing well

You are a good mum, you are working so hard at it. You got this

I feel for you. I have no practical advice but you sound worn out with good reason. Hope you get them bedtime nailed soon xxx

The morning thing. No TV until all dressed and sitting nicely then they can't messing about and holding you up. I would stagger bedtime too with a routine such as bath then quiet time before bed for each of them.
Be a bit kinder to yourselves. They have been off school/nursery, it's sometimes too miserable to go out. I used to.find winter school holidays tough. Many people replying on this thread too do.

No advice
I have two brothers and by all accounts we were horrendous.
Good luck!

if I staggered the bedtimes (which I’ve tried) whoever was in bed would spend the whole time crying and upset that the other was downstairs havisng fun with Daddy even though it’s only usualy school reading/ sitting in the kitchen. It just feels like I have fully tried everything and my kids are a fucking nightmare.
Yes to those of you who have said that the age gap is difficult. I don’t think I ever spent enough time with any of them individually as I always had a baby to deal with and now they do anything for my attention but I’m there ALL THE TIME. With them. Telling them how wonderful their bloody pictures are and duplo models look. How grown up they are getting their own tights on and how lovely it is to see them paying nicely and they just DGAF!!
I’m so happy to hear from those of you that have similar situations because it makes me feel less of a failiure.
It sounds mean but I feel so envious of parents who are like “right, chop chop, off to bed you go” and their kids go upstairs bathed and brushed and go to sleep!!!

How much time to you spend playing with them and giving them 1:1 time with either you or oh? I know it's hard to fit it all in but children need play time with adults. Bored games, water fights (maybe not in January!), crafts, cooking, role play etc Take it in turns to choose an activity where they get you not worrying about housework, cooking, washing, work etc and just play.

I also really think 1:1 time is important. Especially for the older ones at school. It doesn't need to be every week but maybe every month. They need to see the fun side of you as well as the cross side.

No advice as I’m in totally the same boat as you OP.

To the poster who said that children can be “right little nobheads” I salute you.

I have 3 and today has been an umitigated disaster Stuff dry January!

Have you tried 123 Magic?

This helps with our spirited middle child.

As soon as he’s fucking about - (FIRMLY) “That’s a ONE”
That gets his attention, then we say “if you do that again then...(some sort of natural consequence)
If he repeats “That’s a TWO”
Then if necessary, “That’s a THREE so. ...(consequence).

This works well against the basics of:

1. Ignore annoying behaviour, reward good
2. Pick your battles, use discipline for what really matters so that your firm voice is used only occasionally and doesn’t become background noise
3. Spontaneously praise good behaviour e.g, politeness, good table manners, especially in oldest to give younger ones something to aspire to.
4. Give each child daily 1-1 time, tell them how much you’ve enjoyed their (hopefully) good behaviour at these times
5. Avoid punishment; it’s often reinforcing, daring children to see how bad they can be. Try to emphasise natural consequences only. E.g. too loud “on THREE you’ll need to go to another room so we can hear each other”, not getting in car seat “I won’t be able to take you out safely”, running around, being rough, breaking things etc “we don’t like that, it’s dangerous, so you will have to stay in your room”. We have elimated door slamming by explaining how dangerous it is -an immediate THREE and door will be removed. They believe us because we do follow through.

Whenever things get out of control we realise we have strayed from 123 into pointless reasoning/negotiation or not following through...and get right back to it.

Do they like audiobooks? Our kids will listen for ages and with headphones on they don't disrupt each other. Gets everyone quiet for bedtime.

PS my DH finds it hard to think of natural consequences quickly when giving his 3 warning. A useful tip is to start saying “People/we don’t like that...then you can give brief reason why and then what will happen naturally follows.

You sound like you’re doing an excellent job re diet, routines, etc. Could you come up with whatbis allowed at bedtime with your dh, for example no toilet trips or just one, no leaving the room once in bed or allowed for a drink etc. Whatever works for you. Then sit down in the morning and tell your dc new rules that will start that night. Then stick to them rigidly. I really think that your biggest problem is probably your tone of voice. You need to practise sounding like you mean it. Not shouting but firm. Sounding authoritative. Say it like you expect it. If you don’t get what you expect then they get a warning. Mine is a countdown from 5. If you get to 1 there is a consequence. Try to make it something immediate and fair. For example if they are running riot and continue to do so after your countdown or warning the consequence wouldn’t be that they miss a party or trip to the park but maybe that they miss their bedtime story that night or get less reading time. But really tone of voice is everything. I hear people practically beg their children or plead or sound so sad when they’re asking them or screaming. The kids don’t respond as they can sense that they don’t mean it or that they haven’t got the strength to see it through or just that they know the parent doesn’t really expect them to comply. Good luck and it definitely doesn’t sound like you’re an awful parent at all!

I am glad I read this thread because I am in exactly same boat, I honestly thought it was just me, it looks like there are a few of us! My sister has a saying that parenting is hard and those people who say it's easy are lying! I am going to watch some supernanny.
Op you sound like you're doing a brilliant job.

Honestly guys I don’t think you understand 😂 they don’t care if something is dangerous or if I take the door off. In the summer they kept taking their seatbelts off on the move (yes I bought locks but was scared of not being released in an accident so stopped) I kept telling them what would happen if we crashed, which turned into if the police stop us mummy will get in trouble, maybe arrested. Nothing. I had to pull over all the time to replace seatbelt and it was just a game to them!
I drove to the police station once in a state of pure desperation and asked if an officer would speak to them thinking it would shock them and they would tell them and off we’d go.
Well, we got the most stern traffic cop you’ve ever met and he frog marched them into an interview room and was like “WHO HAS BEEN TAKING THEIR SEATBELT OFF??” They all pointed to each other. He went on to tell them in less than child friendly terms how naughty it was and dangerous and that they could die and he’d seen dead people. The kids were in stunned silence.

I had to practically BEG him not to get out his portfolio of pictures of head injuries from road traffic accidents and I was genuinely petrified leaving there. The kids shat themselves, bearing in mind younger was only just 3.
I shit you not, on the way home I heard the click....

So with bed time, I think you just have to go through the pain of rapid return until they get the message. Focus on 1 child at a time til youve cracked it.

Try and catch one (or all) of them being good - then praise, praise, praise and treat (little treat).

I'm sorry I have nothing constructive to add as I'm pregnant with my first at the moment so don't have any experience however I can say you are absolutely not a shit mum!
The fact you are even posting on here and thinking like that shows you aren't so be nicer to yourself.
Hope you manage to get some advice that will help xx

God it feels good to vent. Tomorrow we are coming up with a sergeant major style plan with every base covered. Thankyou for making me feel I can do this, even if it’s just whilst I’m upstairs, hiding from my kids!!

The youngest is following the behaviour of the older two. Work on the 7 year old first. Give them a later bedtime and responsibilities. Tell the 5 year old he will get a later bedtime once he is behaving going to bed.
Talking books when you leave them (I had stories for 3/4/5 year olds set).
Praise and seek help

If I were to sit outside the room and return them as suggested they would just open door, jump over me and start running round the house then it would be a ridiculous fight with me putting them back 100 times + for hours on end.
I suspect that is what it would take, maybe for 2, 3 or 4 nights before they realise you mean it.